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You're So Pretty On the Outside
Risky Business
*Oli*
“That fucking bastard!” I exclaimed once I had recovered from the blow. I stormed toward the door but Curtis grabbed my arm and pulled me back roughly.
“Where are you going?” he demanded.
“I’m going to hit him,” I said simply.
Mattie sighed. “Just leave it, Oli. It’s upsetting, but it won’t kill me. I’ll learn to deal with it.”
“That’s the thing though. You shouldn’t have to deal with it. He’s your father, he raised you. He should accept you the way you are and not disown you because you prefer pickles to tacos!” My voice rose with every word. I barely cracked a smile when everyone slightly chuckled at my metaphor. “Really though, Mattie, you shouldn’t have to live like that. Nobody should be abandoned for something as little as that. It’s not as if you’re choosing to be gay and even if you were, what does it matter? If it makes you happy then he should be fine with it.”
“Oli, we all know that. We do, but beating the shit out of his dad won’t solve anything,” Curtis said, always the reasonable one.
“It would make me feel better.”
“You aren’t the only one who’s pissed off about this, Oliver!”
I sighed and sat on the couch in defeat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? It just reminds me too much of Angel’s story since her dad left and all. It makes me mad that somebody could do that to the girl I love and now one of my best friends. I don’t see how anybody could do that to their own kid. If I had a baby I wouldn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. I wouldn’t care if it was gay, bi, or straight. Hell, I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t even biologically mine. If it was my baby then I would love it unconditionally. Love couldn’t come with rules, it should just be there.”
The guys, Sarah, and Jennifer all nodded in agreement.
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*Angel*
Gena sat in front of me with her arms crossed. I had paid for her to fly out and stay with me for the next few months hence why she was sitting on my couch.
“Why won’t you just tell him?”
“Because it’s all or nothing, Gena, and he can’t give this baby his all if he’s going to be on tour 9 months out of the year. It’s just not possible unless we both went with him and I wouldn’t want my baby growing up around all of the smoking and alcohol, but at the same time I wouldn’t feel right telling them to stop because of me.”
“Anna, you drink. You could probably drink all of those guys under the table.’
I shook my head in denial. “That was before. I’m going to do this the right way. I might not have planned for this and I might not particularly want a baby, but I’m not going to get an abortion because, although I don’t want him around her, she’s Oli’s baby and I couldn’t do that. Plus, you know how I feel about giving kids up for adoption. If I’m going to go through with this, I’m going to do it the right way. No more drinking and I’m going to stay away from smokers as much as possible.”
“She?”
I just shrugged. “I want a girl and I’m sick of calling the baby an ‘it’. It confuses me.”
“If you really don’t want the responsibility of a baby, I don’t see why you’re so against adoption, Angel.”
“You don’t get it, Genevieve. When you put a kid up for adoption you have no security. You have no idea if he or she is going to end up with a good family or in a good neighborhood. You don’t know if they’ll even be adopted for sure. I mean, yeah, most babies get adopted but there are always some that stay in the system until they’re 18 years old going from one family to another. I wouldn’t ever do that to anybody. Plus, if you decide in the future that you want to see if the kid is doing okay, there’s no set law that allows you to do that. Sure, you can find people who will agree to an open adoption, but once the baby is in their custody, they can choose whether or not they want you to see him or her. It’s not your kid anymore so you don’t have any right to see them.”
“But-“
“There are no buts. You should be proud of me for taking responsibility for my actions for once.”
“But I shouldn’t be proud of you for doing something wrong. You need to tell Oliver,” she said firmly.
“You really don’t get it do you?”
“No, Antoinette, I don’t get it. Why don’t you explain to me why you would want your child to grow up without a father? You know what it’s like to go through that feeling of abandonment. Why would you want your baby to feel that way? You told me yourself, Dad leaving was one of the main reasons why you couldn’t have a real relationship with Oli. Do you want your little one to go through the same thing?”
Her words were rushing through my head and making my mind spin. She was just throwing questions left and right and finally I just burst. I let it all out for the first time with tears and everything.
“It’s because I can’t trust him, okay? I mean, sure he says he loves me now, but what happens when he’s on tour and he gets ‘lonely’ so he decides to shag a groupie? What if he finds some girl on tour that he loves more than he loves me? Somebody nicer and prettier and with less issues. How am I going to measure up to that? Just be like, ‘Oh yeah, I had your first kid but I’m perfectly fine just standing around while you screw some other girl and want the kid to come to your house every other weekend and holiday’? What if one day he decides that he doesn’t really want to be tied down to one girl and a baby and he just up and leaves? And what if he decides that he doesn’t think I’m a good mother and he has the baby taken away from me? What happens then? It would tear me apart.”
My older sister pulled me into a tight hug before pulling back and looking into my eyes.
“Anna, you have to realize that those are all ‘what ifs’. There’s a possibility that maybe something like that could happen, but it’ll be like that in any relationship like that. Even if you’re with some geeky little tech boy, he could decide that he wants to cheat. Even the nicest guy in the world comes with those risks, but if you love somebody enough then you will take those risks because if you really love each other, nothing like that will happen.”
“But I can’t just wait around growing attached to him hoping that one day he doesn’t find somebody better. I can’t… I just can’t do that and I don’t know how you’re able to do it with Ryan on tour all the time, but I just can’t do it.” My voice cracked at the end and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to say anything else without sobbing like a baby.
Pregnancy came with some nasty mood swings and it didn’t help that this situation would have been emotional even if I was in a normal mental state.
“Fine, Angel. I’ll stop pushing you to tell him and everybody else only because I love you too much to see you go through this, but in the future when you regret your decision, don’t come crying to me and saying that I should have just forced you to tell him. Deal?”
I smiled sadly and nodded before pulling her into another hug.
“That fucking bastard!” I exclaimed once I had recovered from the blow. I stormed toward the door but Curtis grabbed my arm and pulled me back roughly.
“Where are you going?” he demanded.
“I’m going to hit him,” I said simply.
Mattie sighed. “Just leave it, Oli. It’s upsetting, but it won’t kill me. I’ll learn to deal with it.”
“That’s the thing though. You shouldn’t have to deal with it. He’s your father, he raised you. He should accept you the way you are and not disown you because you prefer pickles to tacos!” My voice rose with every word. I barely cracked a smile when everyone slightly chuckled at my metaphor. “Really though, Mattie, you shouldn’t have to live like that. Nobody should be abandoned for something as little as that. It’s not as if you’re choosing to be gay and even if you were, what does it matter? If it makes you happy then he should be fine with it.”
“Oli, we all know that. We do, but beating the shit out of his dad won’t solve anything,” Curtis said, always the reasonable one.
“It would make me feel better.”
“You aren’t the only one who’s pissed off about this, Oliver!”
I sighed and sat on the couch in defeat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? It just reminds me too much of Angel’s story since her dad left and all. It makes me mad that somebody could do that to the girl I love and now one of my best friends. I don’t see how anybody could do that to their own kid. If I had a baby I wouldn’t care if it was a boy or a girl. I wouldn’t care if it was gay, bi, or straight. Hell, I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t even biologically mine. If it was my baby then I would love it unconditionally. Love couldn’t come with rules, it should just be there.”
The guys, Sarah, and Jennifer all nodded in agreement.
-------------
*Angel*
Gena sat in front of me with her arms crossed. I had paid for her to fly out and stay with me for the next few months hence why she was sitting on my couch.
“Why won’t you just tell him?”
“Because it’s all or nothing, Gena, and he can’t give this baby his all if he’s going to be on tour 9 months out of the year. It’s just not possible unless we both went with him and I wouldn’t want my baby growing up around all of the smoking and alcohol, but at the same time I wouldn’t feel right telling them to stop because of me.”
“Anna, you drink. You could probably drink all of those guys under the table.’
I shook my head in denial. “That was before. I’m going to do this the right way. I might not have planned for this and I might not particularly want a baby, but I’m not going to get an abortion because, although I don’t want him around her, she’s Oli’s baby and I couldn’t do that. Plus, you know how I feel about giving kids up for adoption. If I’m going to go through with this, I’m going to do it the right way. No more drinking and I’m going to stay away from smokers as much as possible.”
“She?”
I just shrugged. “I want a girl and I’m sick of calling the baby an ‘it’. It confuses me.”
“If you really don’t want the responsibility of a baby, I don’t see why you’re so against adoption, Angel.”
“You don’t get it, Genevieve. When you put a kid up for adoption you have no security. You have no idea if he or she is going to end up with a good family or in a good neighborhood. You don’t know if they’ll even be adopted for sure. I mean, yeah, most babies get adopted but there are always some that stay in the system until they’re 18 years old going from one family to another. I wouldn’t ever do that to anybody. Plus, if you decide in the future that you want to see if the kid is doing okay, there’s no set law that allows you to do that. Sure, you can find people who will agree to an open adoption, but once the baby is in their custody, they can choose whether or not they want you to see him or her. It’s not your kid anymore so you don’t have any right to see them.”
“But-“
“There are no buts. You should be proud of me for taking responsibility for my actions for once.”
“But I shouldn’t be proud of you for doing something wrong. You need to tell Oliver,” she said firmly.
“You really don’t get it do you?”
“No, Antoinette, I don’t get it. Why don’t you explain to me why you would want your child to grow up without a father? You know what it’s like to go through that feeling of abandonment. Why would you want your baby to feel that way? You told me yourself, Dad leaving was one of the main reasons why you couldn’t have a real relationship with Oli. Do you want your little one to go through the same thing?”
Her words were rushing through my head and making my mind spin. She was just throwing questions left and right and finally I just burst. I let it all out for the first time with tears and everything.
“It’s because I can’t trust him, okay? I mean, sure he says he loves me now, but what happens when he’s on tour and he gets ‘lonely’ so he decides to shag a groupie? What if he finds some girl on tour that he loves more than he loves me? Somebody nicer and prettier and with less issues. How am I going to measure up to that? Just be like, ‘Oh yeah, I had your first kid but I’m perfectly fine just standing around while you screw some other girl and want the kid to come to your house every other weekend and holiday’? What if one day he decides that he doesn’t really want to be tied down to one girl and a baby and he just up and leaves? And what if he decides that he doesn’t think I’m a good mother and he has the baby taken away from me? What happens then? It would tear me apart.”
My older sister pulled me into a tight hug before pulling back and looking into my eyes.
“Anna, you have to realize that those are all ‘what ifs’. There’s a possibility that maybe something like that could happen, but it’ll be like that in any relationship like that. Even if you’re with some geeky little tech boy, he could decide that he wants to cheat. Even the nicest guy in the world comes with those risks, but if you love somebody enough then you will take those risks because if you really love each other, nothing like that will happen.”
“But I can’t just wait around growing attached to him hoping that one day he doesn’t find somebody better. I can’t… I just can’t do that and I don’t know how you’re able to do it with Ryan on tour all the time, but I just can’t do it.” My voice cracked at the end and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to say anything else without sobbing like a baby.
Pregnancy came with some nasty mood swings and it didn’t help that this situation would have been emotional even if I was in a normal mental state.
“Fine, Angel. I’ll stop pushing you to tell him and everybody else only because I love you too much to see you go through this, but in the future when you regret your decision, don’t come crying to me and saying that I should have just forced you to tell him. Deal?”
I smiled sadly and nodded before pulling her into another hug.
♠ ♠ ♠
Pregnant lady=HormonesSo I was just informed that I'm going out of town again starting on Friday. But it won't be nearly as long as last time. I'll be back on Tuesday or Wednesday so it's all good.
Anyway, who else thinks that she should just take the risk? That's no to say that she will. It's also not to say that she won't. You'll never know! Not until the end that is.