You're So Pretty On the Outside

I glanced at my phone and noticed that I had several missed calls. I tossed the thing back into my purse as I pulled up to my house. I knew that I was in trouble when I opened the door to see Gena tapping her foot with her arms crossed and the house phone in her hand.

“Guess who I just got off of the phone with?” she demanded cryptically.

I started slowly backing to my room with wide eyes. “A bill collector? Your new boss? The neighborhood pet store?”

She threw the phone onto the couch and I squeaked.

“Sarah. Sarah called me to tell me what you said to poor Oli.”

“I-“

I was cut off when my head suddenly whipped to the side. Placing my hand on my cheek I looked at my sister in shock.

“You said that you were going to keep it a secret. You never told me that you were going to rip his heart out, crumble it into tiny pieces, and then throw it into shark infested waters!” she exclaimed.

“I’m… I didn’t mean to! It just slipped out and I didn’t know how else I was going to make him hate me forever and never want to talk to me again!”

“Angel…” she sighed. “It was bad enough that you told him that you found another guy, but why would you even think to tell him that you were having the guy’s kid? And that it happened right after you last saw him?”

“I don’t know. And why would you slap me? I’m pregnant!”

“Yeah but your face isn’t,” she replied smugly.

“I don’t see why I couldn’t have gotten a nicer sister.”

I went to my room and good into bed. Thoughts of how bad Oli must have been after I left plagued my mind. I tossed and turned for hours, randomly fingering patterns in the sheets. Glancing over at the place that he would have been sleeping had we lived together, I wondered if I made the right decision to keep him away and lie to him. I knew that it wasn’t, but at the same time I knew that everything was practically irreversible from that point.

Finally in the wee hours of the morning I was able to pass out.

“I’m a fucking moron,” I said to Gena when I got up the next morning.

“This is why you should listen to me. I told you that you should have just told him that he got your eggo preggo, but you just wouldn’t listen.”

“Could you not… do the analogies?”

She just rolled her eyes.

“So what are you going to do about him then? Are you going to tell him the truth?”

I glanced up at her sadly. “No. No, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” She seemed a bit shocked.

“Because every time we get together I end up screwing up his world and I don’t want to do that to him anymore. The whole time I wouldn’t let him tell anybody about us because I was too scared that it wouldn’t work out. The first time we really split up it was because I couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted to be with him. We ‘broke up’ several times before that but always ended up getting back together. And then this last time I completely screwed up. I just think that he deserves somebody who isn’t going to leave him with his heart in shreds.”

“I don’t think that you would do it again though. You know that what you did was wrong so you won’t make that same mistake again.”

“But I will Gena. You’ve known me my whole life. Since when have I ever learned from my mistakes?” I said pointedly.

“Like when?” she scoffed.

“Let’s see. Back in high school when I was with Tom. He cheated on me with half of the girls in school and I still got back together with him. Then there was that time when I tried to make cookies but I set the oven to 550 and left them in for an hour and then did the exact same thing the next day. And then-“

“Okay I get it. But those things never hurt other people, just you. And your oven. This time it’s hurting the people that you love. And like you said, I’ve known you for your whole life. I know you well enough that I can tell that if you had another chance, you would do the best that you could to keep from hurting him again.”

“Gena, I’m stupid, impulsive, and a bitch. I would end up hurting him no matter what. It might be an accident, but it would still happen. I know that he’s hurting a lot right now, but in time he’ll feel better and he’ll find a girl who’s better than me, a girl without commitment issues. He’ll be able to find a girl with some common sense. He obviously didn’t get that when he found me.”

“Just… go get ready for work, Anna.”

“It’s Sunday.”

“Then go lay around and listen to music or something. I think you need some time to evaluate what’s going on in your life.”

I scoffed. “So what? You’re putting me in timeout now?”

“Basically. Now go.”

I glared at her as I made my way back into my bedroom. Putting my iPod on shuffle, I groaned at the song that blared through my speakers. It was So Long Utah by Divided By Friday.

“This fucking song,” I muttered as I changed it.

*Oli*

Everything was happening so quickly that it made my head spin. It would have killed me no matter when Angel told me, but why did she have to do it at such a bad time? Venita was in the hospital and dying when she had to go and spill all of that. Then not long after she was dead. It was hard to believe that she was gone and I had barely known her. I didn’t even want to think about what Mathieu and Jennifer were going through.

Somebody knocked on the frame of the door and I looked up to find Jennifer. I took in her tear stained face and immediately beckoned her to me.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I pulled her into a hug and patted her back. “Not even close, but I think the better question would be are you okay?”

“No, but things can only get better from here right?” Her voice cracked causing me to grimace.

“I hope so Jen. I hope so.”