Will You Come to Me?

Tears were streaming down my face as I stared at my boyfriend, wanting so badly to be able to climb inside his mind and to understand exactly what was going on. I didn’t understand what he was saying to me. I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. I didn’t understand anything. All I knew was that he’d had another argument with his step-dad but I didn’t know what it had been about.

It had to have been something bad by the way Zacky was reacting.

I’d never seen him this frantic before and I certainly had never seen him this incoherent before, not when he was still completely sober. It was like his thoughts were running a mile a minute and none of them would stop long enough for him to grasp firmly. I wasn’t even sure if Zacky knew what was going on.

“Please baby,” I pleaded with him once more, my hands grabbing for him as I chased him out of my house. “Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

Zacky shook his head and ran out of my front door. I followed him, not caring that I was in just a thin T-shirt and jeans and that the usual warm Californian weather had turned, rain coming down thick and fast. I could hear thunder rumbling in the distance and I knew that soon the storm would be completely over Huntingdon.

I shook all thoughts about weather out of my head, mentally smacking me for thinking about something like that when my boyfriend was obviously distressed about something.

My shoes hit against my front path before sinking into the mud of the lawn as I raced over to Zacky’s car, his hand on the driver’s side handle. I took his arm in my hands and turned him to me, squinting behind my glasses as I tried to pull him back to my house.

“Please baby,” I whimpered.

Zacky shook his head determinedly and cupped my jaw in his hands, his thumbs brushing my tears away but they were replaced quickly by others.

“I’ve got to do this,” he told me. “It’ll make everything better. I’ve got to make everything better.”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand. I don’t...please baby, let’s just go back inside and talk about everything. Let me back inside.”

“I love you Sarah,” he told me, looking me in the eyes so I knew that he was being sincere.

I looked at him, really looked at him, not missing that he didn’t look a thing like he did even just a few months ago. Something had been happening, something that had been sucking the happiness from him. It didn’t matter what I did to try and make things better, I knew that even when he would smile it wasn’t his true smile. It didn’t reach his eyes like it used to.

I swallowed as I brushed some of his wet hair off of his forehead, my fingers trailing down the side of his face. I ran my thumb across his bottom lip, feeling his rings bump against my skin and I shook my head once again, wanting Zacky in the safety of my home.

“If you love me, you’ll come back inside,” I begged him. “Please baby, please.”

“I have to do this.”

“Do what?” I cried, my hands curling around his forearms, his hands still cupping my jaw. “What do you have to do? Zacky, what has happened?”

I could feel my body begin to shiver and Zacky must have noticed as well because he pulled away and pulled his hoodie from his body, making me put my arms through it and pulling it around me. I didn’t want to tell him that his soaking hoodie wasn’t doing a thing to warm up my already soaked body, so I pulled it closed, crossing my arms around my waist to keep it closed.

“Everything will be better, I promise,” he insisted, stepping forward and curling his fingers gently around the tops of my arms. “It’ll be better.”

“What will be?” I asked quietly.

“Everything.”

I frowned a little and took a deep breath, trying once more to convince him to come indoors with me. I took my arms from around me and took one of his hands in mine, our fingers instantly lacing and I stepped closer to him, our bodies mere inches away from one another’s.

“Why don’t we go inside?” I suggested and looked up at him. “We can get ourselves dry and I’ll make us some hot cocoa? We can watch a movie or something?”

I could see hesitance in his eyes as he glanced at his car before looking at me and I had a feeling that I was winning him over.

“And then maybe...later,” I paused and swallowed. “We can talk and...”

Zacky shook his head and I knew that I’d lost him. Mentioning us talking had pushed him completely away and I cursed myself.

“Or not,” I rushed out. “We don’t have to. Baby, it’s up to you. We can do whatever.”

“I need to do this,” he told me, taking his hand from mine and cupping my jaw once again. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whimpered, my whimpers cut short as Zacky crushed his lips against mine.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat as Zacky pulled at my bottom lip gently but with urgency. I kissed back, parting my lips and losing myself slightly in the kiss, my fingers curling into the bottom of his T-shirt.

“I love you,” he muttered again, pulling away quickly and climbing into his car before I could even react.

As the engine kicked in to life, I moved to the front of his car, blocking his way of driving off my driveway. I had quite a bit of faith in the fact that he wouldn’t run me over. I stared at him through his windscreen, my vision a little bit blurry now due to the combination of my crying and the rain that was building up on my glasses but I could still see how unimpressed Zacky looked that I was trying to stop him from doing whatever it is that was going to make everything better.

But I didn’t care how unimpressed he was. I wasn’t exactly feeling great about what he was doing right about now.

I slammed my hands on his bonnet, an awkward pain shooting up my arms from the force I’d done it with.

“Get out of the car Zacky,” I shouted, feeling the rain begin to fall even heavier than it was before.

He revved the engine and honked, the sound making me jump a little bit but I didn’t want to be the one that backed down.

“If you don’t get out of the car then let me in!”

He shook his head and honked that bloody horn again. We stared at each other for a few more moments and I knew that he wasn’t going to back down. He revved the engine again and I sniffed, closing my eyes as I stepped away from the car.

My heart sank down into my stomach as I heard the car drive past me, a horrible hollow feeling spread through me as I opened my eyes. I watched Zacky drive away from me and all I could do was hope he wouldn’t do something stupid.

My shoulders shook with each heavy sob that fell from me as I watched the casket that held my boyfriend lower in to the ground. I wrapped my arms around my body as if it would stop the feeling of breaking that was tearing through me but it did nothing. Pain was still ripping through me, slicing at every single fibre that made me up.

It had been three days since Zacky had driven away from me. It had been three days since he had deliberately driven into the side of a building, going fast enough to win the Grand Prix. It had been three days since my whole world had shattered around me.

I felt movement around me and glanced up to see that people were beginning to walk away, going back to their cars so they could go on to the wake. I chewed my lip and rubbed my cheek quickly as I felt arms wrap around my shoulders. I looked up and saw Matthew Sanders looking down at me, a worried look in his eyes as he held me tightly against him.

“Come on,” he urged, turning me away from Zacky’s grave.

I felt like a zombie as Matt led me to his car and drove me back to Zacky’s parent’s house where the wake was being held. I felt like I was just on auto as I tightly smiled at people during the wake but I didn’t feel guilty at the short way I was treating people.

I took a deep breath and slipped out of the side door, finally getting a breath of air. I had felt suffocated inside, between the crowding from my parents and from Zacky’s to the crowding from the guys...I just had to get out. I knew they were only looking out for me and I knew that they were all grieving too but I just...everything was just too much.

I pulled my glasses off and held them loosely by my side as I wiped my fingers across my eyes, trying to rid myself of my tears and not caring at all that my make up was now smudged across my face. Let it smudge. I wasn’t even sure why I had even bothered with make up today; it wasn’t like I had anyone to look good for now anyway.

I heard someone call my name out and I hissed in a breath, pulling my glasses on and quickly slipping through the side gate just as Jimmy stepped out of the house. I hastily made my way down the front garden and practically ran down the street, turning the corner and running down to my house. I pushed open the door, letting it slam against the wall and then slam shut as I shot up the stairs and through to my bedroom.

I sniffed and sank down to my knees, sobs falling from me for what seemed like the millionth time. I felt broken and I felt completely defeated, not understanding why Zacky would leave me like this. With that thought in my head, my sorrow suddenly did a completely 180 turn and I became angry.

“Why?” I shouted up at my ceiling, thumping my fists onto the floor as I pushed myself to my feet. “Why did you fucking leave me Zacky? Why would you do this to me? Why would you put me through this pain? Your parents? Your fucking friends! Don’t you care?”

I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair, curling my fingers and holding my fists against my head as I let out a scream.

“You were eighteen,” I growled. “Eighteen! What the hell were you thinking?”

I sank down on my bed and sniffed as sadness crept through my bones again and rooted deep inside me. I looked around my room as tears fell down my cheeks, my eyes landing on the hoodie that Zacky had given me that night. I stood up and walked over to it, shrugging out of the jacket that I had been wearing, letting it fall to the floor and not caring.

I pulled it on and zipped it up, snuggling in to it and bringing it up to my nose, inhaling the faint scent of Zacky that still lingered. A fresh batch of tears shook my body as I sank down to my knees again, my hands covering my face as I moved forward a little, my knees still against the floor as I leant my forehead against the floor as well, my whole body shaking as I cried.

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” I whimpered, bringing my hands down to lean against the floor as I picked up my head. “Why didn’t you just let me go with you?”

At least if I had died that night with him then I wouldn’t be going through the hell I was being subjected to right now.

I slowly sat back on my knees as millions of thoughts rushed through my head, all of them seemingly crazy and frantic and I suddenly understood how Zacky had felt that night. I took a deep breath and pushed my hands in the pockets of his hoodie, frowning as I felt something crumple against my hand. I pulled it out, turning the envelope over in my hand and seeing my name written on it in Zacky’s handwriting.

I sniffed and sat a little more comfortable, ripping the envelope open and pulling out the note that was in it. Tears fell down my cheeks quickly as I read the letter he’d written me, explaining how he was feeling and why he was feeling it. It was all down to his step-dad.

I knew that things were tough between them. Zacky hadn’t liked him the moment he came into their lives and from what I could gather, his step-dad wasn’t fond of Zacky either. He didn’t want someone like Zacky for a son. He wanted an all-star athlete who wasn’t going to waste his talent on something ‘ridiculous’ like music and being in a band.

If it wasn’t for the band, Zacky might just have been a golden boy for his step-dad.

But then Zacky wouldn’t have been Zacky.

Though from what was in his letter, Zacky didn’t see things like that. Zacky saw himself as a failure. He had begun to second guess himself and wonder if he was disappointing his mum as much as he disappointed his step-dad.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I cried as I scrunched the letter up in my hand.

I could have done something. I could have talked to him, made him realise that his mum loved him for who he was. That I loved him for who he was.

I shook my head and took a shuddery breath, wanting to be with Zacky right now. He was the only person who had ever been able to comfort me when I was in any sort of pain. He always knew the words to say to take away my sorrow. He was always there to hold me and to kiss me, erasing all feelings of hurt with his gentle touches.

But he wasn’t here and I knew he couldn’t...but still, all I wanted was to be with him again.

The millions of crazy and frantic thoughts came rushing through my mind again, taking my breath away from me for a second as a truly scary conclusion hit me hard. I pushed myself to my feet, stumbling a little as I left my bedroom and ran downstairs, going through to my dad’s den. I practically ransacked the room, looking for something that I knew he had in his possession though I also knew that if you asked him, he would firmly deny owning one.

An almost panicked smile twisted my lips as my fingers curled around the cold metal of the handle and I lifted it from the drawer. I slowly made my way out of the room and back up to my bedroom, turning the gun over and over in my hands as the idea of Zacky and I being together again hit me over and over again.

I chewed my lip and put the gun down on my dresser as I smoothed the letter Zacky had written me out and scribbled a quick note of my own on it. I stepped away from my dresser, my fingers gripping the gun tightly as I closed my eyes.

“I love you Zacky,” I whispered. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

Matt’s P.O.V

“She probably just wanted to be alone,” I pointed out to Jimmy as we walked up to Sarah’s house.

Sarah had left Zacky’s wake about half an hour ago and Jimmy was worried about her. I was too but I knew that if Taylor had done what Zacky did, I would be a complete wreck and would want to be alone for a little bit.

Sarah had been surrounded by us guys or by her family for the last three days and I could only imagine how suffocated she had felt.

Jimmy shook his head. “There’s something else. When I saw her before the...before the funeral she looked frantic and, I don’t know,” he shrugged and pushed his hands into his pockets. “She just doesn’t seem quite with it.”

“Do you blame her?” I sighed as I pushed the front door open of her house.

It was very quiet in her house and I took a wild guess and headed to the stairs, thinking that she was more than likely in her bedroom. I anticipated that we would find her curled up on her bed, probably wearing a hoodie of Zacky’s and holding tightly to a teddy he’d given her.

My heart jumped as a shot ran through the house and my blood turned to ice as I turned my gaze to Jimmy who looked just as panicked as I felt. We both took the stairs two at a time, the sound echoing heavily through the house.

“Sarah?” I shouted, wanting...needing her to answer me. “Sarah?”

I stumbled to a stop, hitting the side of her dresser as I took in the sight before me. Jimmy hissed as he came to a harsh stop beside me, a string of broken curses falling from his lips. I felt bile rise up my throat as I tore my eyes away from Sarah, my gaze falling on something on her dresser. It looked like a letter but it was slightly scrunched up, as if it had been crumpled into a ball and then someone had tried to smooth it out again.

My fingers shakily reached for it and I read it quickly, realising that it was a letter from Zacky to Sarah, one that he must have written the night he had died.

“Oh God,” Jimmy choked next to me but my attention was solely on the few words Sarah had scribbled in the top right corner of the paper, her writing a little sloppy and the ink a little smudged.

I blinked a few times, not wanting to believe that in the last three days we had lost two of our closest friends. I pushed Jimmy out of my way, only vaguely noticing that he was on his phone as he left Sarah’s room. I staggered to a halt just down the hall from her room and slid down to the floor, my hands running over my face and over my hair as I closed my eyes and tried to get the image of Sarah out of my head, the few words that she’d written flashing across her image.

I can’t do it without him.