We're All Screwed Up

Sarcasm seems to be one of my few strong points in life. That is, unless you’re not counting the numerous amount of times I’ve annoyed the ever loving shit out of Syn. I find it to be quite relaxing, really. Not to mention it’s funny as fuck getting him all riled up over something ‘’terrible’’ I’ve done. God, I love pissing that man off. Brian deserves all the shit I give him though; he should’ve known it would be a matter of time before his enormous ego finally pissed somebody off enough to challenge him. That someone just happened to be me, not that I’m complaining. At least he has his looks going for him. But as far as I’m concerned, Brian Haner Jr. can go suck my nonexistent dick.
Unfortunately for me, said asshole happened to be seated right next me, tossing marshmallows into the fire and watching them melt among the flames. God damnit, the idiot was going to end up burning our entire stock of marshmallows. And why the fuck were these logs so damn small? I found it kind of sad that my body was too lazy to get up, even when Brian was practically on top of me.
Someone out there really fucking hates me. Oh wait, it’s most likely just him. God’s probably involved in there too somehow.
My brother Zacky decided we should all go camping for the weekend. Did I think it was a good idea? Fuck no, I’d rather chew my own arm off and jump into the Pacific Ocean than spend an entire weekend with Mr. Egotistical. I guess it wasn’t as bad since Jimmy, Johnny, Matt and Val were here too, but one could only take so much testosterone before their final piece of sanity went bye-bye.
I was dragged out of my thoughts by an overtired Jimmy.
‘’MATT AND VAL ARE MAKING OUT BEHIND THAT TREE!!!!’’ he announced, jumping up and down and pointing to the tree in question. I was wondering why it had been making kissing noises. A stick came flying out from behind it and hit Jimmy smack in the forehead. He looked like he wanted to cry.
‘’WAHHHHHH MATT DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE!!!!!’’ he wailed, running over to me and burying his face in my shoulder. I wrapped a blanket around him and patted his back comfortingly, laughing when I heard Val yelling at Matt for being mean to Jimbo.
‘’Don’t worry, Jimmykins, I’ll take care of Matt once my leg wakes up,’’ I yawned, stretching a little bit. My brother, who had been asleep in one of the tents, came running out with a sleeping bag wrapped around him. Only his head was visible. Somehow he reminded me of a nun.
‘’I heard yelling,’’ he said, looking around at our tired faces, ‘’where the fuck is Johnny?’’
If he hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t even have noticed Johnny was missing. He isn’t exactly hard to lose, being 5’4’’ and all. Jimmy stopped pretending to sob on my shoulder, Matt and Val peaked out from behind the tree, even Brian stopped glaring at the side of my head. He was still mad that I dunked his sleeping bag in the lake nearby. Fuck him, he’ll get over it. Right now we had a missing midget to deal with.
‘’JOHNNY!’’ I got up with everyone else, searching around Central Park and calling his name. He wasn’t near where we were camping, that much we figured out. Matt decided we should just split up into pairs and look around the woods. Johnny had to be insane to wander around at night time, especially here. Central Park was huge, and at night it’s full of crazies. And not the good kind of crazies, I’m talking about people who’ll try to gang rape you or skin a baby and dip it in salt.
I’m pretty sure none of us wanted to have to deal with a skinned and salted Johnny.
‘’I’m gonna go with Val and look around by the lake,’’ Matt said, pulling a blanket around him and his girlfriend, ‘’Jimmy, you can go with Zack, which I guess leaves Ana and Brian.’’
I hadn’t really been paying attention to what they were saying until heard my name and Brian’s name in the same sentence. Everyone was looking at him and I, waiting for one of us to protest their decision in making us search partners. I wasn’t really complaining; this would just be another opportunity to torture Brian to no end. He, on the other hand, didn’t like the idea at all.
‘’Are you all out of your fucking minds?!’’ he yelled, throwing his arms up, exasperated, ‘’do you know what she’ll do to me?! She’ll probably find something to knock me out with and sacrifice me on a giant rock to the gods of insanity! I’d like to live a little longer, thank you.’’ He turned his attention towards me. ‘’And I didn’t appreciate that whole ‘let’s throw Brian’s sleeping bag into the lake because I’m a raging cunt’ stunt you pulled. I’m probably gonna wake up covered in leeches tomorrow,’’ he growled, taking a step closer to me. I just laughed and crossed my arms over my chest.
‘’Good, then maybe you’ll know how I feel, having a life sucking leech around. Don’t worry, Syn, I’m sure you’ll still be able to get laid covered in slimy vampire fish. Although, any girl who does decide to fuck you must be pretty desperate. Either that or she needs some fucking prescription glasses.’’ My laughter grew harder when he let out an inarticulate yell and started pulling on his hair.
‘’You are going to drive me over the edge, literally,’’ he sighed, pacing back and forth in front of me. ‘’Once Johnny’s found, I’m just going to find a nice high cliff and drive my car off of it. I hope you’re happy.’’ I was about to reply to that, when I noticed everyone had already left to find Shorty. God damnit.
‘’I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me, Mr. Egotistical,’’ I pointed out. When he noticed we were alone, I could swear I saw steam come out of his ears.
‘’When I find those fuckers, they’re so dead,’’ he groaned, rubbing his face. ‘’Alright, let’s try to be civilized people and work together. Johnny’s missing and we need to find him, so for the moment, truce?’’ He looked in pain when he put his hand out for me to shake.
I looked at it and rolled my eyes, but shook it nonetheless. ‘’Fine. Truce. But once Johnny’s found, I get to start messing with you again,’’ I smirked. He just glared and dragged me to the edge of the woods.
It was even darker in there than it was in the open field we were camping in. The grass was over grown, with the trees pretty close together. Before we left the camp ground, Brian had grabbed a flashlight. I was pretty sure he was more afraid than me to go in there, considering he was standing behind me, the light from the flashlight shaking unsteadily.
I snatched the flashlight from him. ‘’Quit being such a fucking pussy, it’s not like a bear is going to pop out and eat you alive. Coyotes? Maybe. Bears? No.’’ I turned around to see the look on his face. It didn’t look like I’d helped his fear at all. In fact, I think I made it worse. Oh well, more points for me.
‘’I’m not a pussy!’’ he said, quite unconvincingly, ‘’give me that back.’’ He took the flashlight back, grabbing my hand and pulling us into the woods. I didn’t even realize he was holding my hand.
We wandered around in the woods for a good half an hour, seeing nothing but overgrowth, litter and the occasional animal. We hadn’t said anything to each other the entire time, only hearing the sounds of the others yelling for Johnny. All had gone pretty well until something dark dropped down from a tree branch, right in front of Brian’s face.
‘’AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!’’ we both screamed, tripping over our feet and falling to the ground, Brian on top of me. The flashlight had a big enough field of view to show what had scared the living shit out of us.
It was a fucking possum.
I pushed Brian off of me and picked up the flashlight. The possum was kind of cute, all gray and black and fluffy, until you looked at its tail. It was like a combination of a mutant chinchilla and a rat.
‘’What the fuck is that thing?’’ Brian asked nervously, picking himself off the ground and brushing off his shirt. I looked at him like the idiot he is.
‘’It’s a possum, dipshit,’’ I rolled my eyes, grabbing him by his muscular arm, ‘’come on, we’ve got to find Johnny.’’
The woods seemed to never end, every direction you looked there were trees or some sort of plant. I was getting tired, it had to be super early in the morning. From what I knew, no one had found Johnny yet.
Brian had been itching to say something the past few minutes. I noticed that when he kept opening and closing his mouth like some retarded fish. If he didn’t say it within the next few seconds, I was going to beat it out of him with this fucking flashlight. I was cranky and overtired, I just wanted to find Johnny already and pass out.
He opened and closed his mouth again, which set me off. ‘’If you don’t fucking tell me what you’re trying to say right now, I’m leaving you here for the coyotes or bears or whatever the fuck lives in these goddamn woods! Now talk before I make you into a midnight snack!’’ I yelled, crossing my arms and glaring at him impatiently. He let out a sigh.
‘’I was going to ask why you’re such a bitch to me all the time,’’ he said quietly, looking away. It shocked me a little that he looked sort of hurt. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I felt a bit bad. Wait, what the fuck was wrong with me? Don’t tell me this past hour I’ve spent with him was making me soft or something.
I just shrugged. ‘’I don’t know, it’s just too much damn fun messing with you, I guess.’’ For some odd reason, I was now starting to rethink what I’ve been doing to him. All the times I’ve tortured, threatened or hurt him physically, it did seem quite…bitchy. But why is it so fucking fun? God, we’re all screwed up.
From what I could see of Brian’s face, he didn’t look too happy with that answer. ‘’Did it ever occur to you that maybe, oh, I don’t know, I might hate it? And why do you think I hate it? Maybe it’s because I fucking like you! Yes, I like you! I fucking have feelings for you, Ana Baker, feelings other than anger and hate. I don’t know why I do, but I do, and I can’t fucking hide it any longer.’’
So I didn’t expect to hear him say that at all.
As soon as he said that, I tripped over something. I realized I’d tripped over Johnny’s legs; he was wrapped around a tree, sleeping and hugging it like it was a teddy bear. How he got there, I don’t know. But right now, I had an insane man who apparently has feelings for me to deal with. This night was never going to end.
‘’I don’t know what fucking crazy pills you took today, but you’d have to be insane to like-‘’ My words were cut off when he grabbed my face and kissed me like his life depended on it. My body went stiff at first, but something inside me said to just go with it, so I did. My mouth moved with his, allowing his tongue to enter my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck and stood on my tippietoes, smiling a bit when I felt his hands move down to my waist like a good boy.
I was the one who finally pulled away. ‘’Um, we should probably get Johnny back and tell everyone we found him,’’ I said quietly, still a little flustered from the kiss. He was blushing slightly, but nodded anyway.
The walk back to camp was awkward and quiet. The only sounds being made were the grass and sticks under our shoes and Johnny, who was thrown over Brian’s shoulder, snoring quite loudly. The guy sleeps like a fucking dead rock.
I was thankful when we finally made it out of the woods. Everyone else was already back, either sleeping or waiting for us around the fire. The only one up was Zacky, still wrapped in his sleeping bag like a nun. He jumped up as soon as he saw us.
‘’Thank god, I thought you guys got lost or something,’’ he sighed, relieved when he saw we had Johnny. ‘’Where did you find him?’’
‘’Well, he gave a whole new definition of the word ‘tree hugger’,’’ I sighed. Zacky gave me an it’s-too-fucking-late-for-your-sarcasm look. I rolled my eyes. ‘’He was hugging a tree while sleeping, fuck face. Now can I please go to bed?’’ I yawned as Brian came back from putting Johnny in his tent.
Zacky nodded, pulling his sleeping bag tighter around him and heading to bed. ‘’Sure, I’m just surprised you two didn’t kill each other before you found him. Night guys.’’ The tent zipped closed, leaving Brian and I by the fire. He sat down next to me, looking like he was trying to be cautious about what he said next. I rested my head on his shoulder. Really, I wasn’t in the mood for small talk, I just wanted him to be my pillow for the moment. He seemed willing to comply. I even let him wrap his arms around me.
‘’So…that kiss back there…’’ Damnit, I just wanted to go to sleep already. Leave it to him to ruin the silence. I shut him up with a peck on the lips.
‘’Go to sleep, ass face,’’ I smirked, cuddling in closer to him.
He laughed lightly. ‘’Maybe I won’t have to drive my car off a cliff later after all.’’ In all honesty, I was kind of hoping he would. Or maybe that possum would find him again and eat him in his sleep or something. Hey, just because I might possibly be fond of him a smidge doesn’t mean I can’t still wish bad things would happen to him. It just wouldn’t be any fun.