Please Just Let Me Go

I don't think anyone will ever understand the pain I've went through. People always say, "Teddy I understand but you can't do this." "Teddy you can't do that." But they don't fucking get it. I try to be happy, I do. Someone I depend on always let's me down.
I'm not even going to start on the pity I get because that, that's a whole other story. I honestly can not help living in fear, it's the only thing I know. That sad part is that I don't have any hope of getting out. The fear keeps me held hostage. I'm a prisoner in my own mind and I think it's a life sentence. The fear leave me in a big dark hole I call Depression. In this beautiful disaster of a hole I sit alone, consumed by thoughts, letting them slowly eat at me. I let out a breath slowly trying to keep from breaking down. With an aching back I attempted to straighten myself up getting ready to make the first incession.
Guess who can get me out?
Me.
Guess who's not home.
Me.

Look's like I'm back to square one. Funny to think having a friend like Leah could actually help. I sighed as I watched the blood bubble up out of the arm. The little wound spilled out the red body fluid. I watched them formed together. There was a loud knock from my door and I quickly jumped up from my bed. Panicked, I jerked down the sleeve of my shirt and slipped the blade under my pillow. Shaking violently I rubbed my clammy hand over my forehead and stepped toward the door. I opened it a crack.
"Teresa, it's been 3 days. You need to get out of your room. I'm begging you." To my surprise it was Leah. I started to close the door again. "Please Teddy." from the tiny crack in the door. I could tell how anxious she was. She had her arms across her chest and she could barely look me in the eye.
"Everyone's worried." She said. Nobody cares a voice echoed in my head. Leah's right, go on get out, another voice said.
"Seth's ready to come and break the door down. I bit my bottom lip and closed the door shut and locked it. I sighed in squeezed my aching wrist. I sat down the edge of my bed to admire my arm as usual the wound was already closing up. When my door literally busted opened I let out a scream and back myself up the head of my head with my knees in my chest. I was at a loss of word as I breathed in and out at a rapid pace.
I watched Seth breath heavily as he stared at me with a wild look in his eyes. My bedroom door was hanging my the top hinges. The door its self had a enormous indent from where his body collided with it. "What the fuc-" I stared. The room was quiet but I could feel myself screaming on the inside.
"Easy way or the hard way?" he interrupted. There was an edge in his voice that I never heard before and it kind of frightened me. I didn't answer I got up and started to leave my room. I stood at the doorway and looked at Seth. He turned and began his way out. He flashed me a smile before passing by me. I relaxed to see the old Seth.

It was far past breakfast time when I got back down to the kitchen but there was breakfast food all over the place. I glanced over at Seth. "Breakfast the only thing I can make." I pulled myself a seat at the table. I hadn't realized I was actually hungry so I piled things on my plate and basically at like a starved animal.
While I ate Seth chatted away like a little chimp muck. It really amazed me how well he was doing at this one sided conversation. I was just now tuning into his words.
"So I say shut up Mom, and she kicks me down the stairs." Seth's eyes caught mine and he grinned. "That's why I'm the way I am." At this point Sue was behind Seth she gasped then proceeded to slap Seth in the back of the head. "How could you say that? No such thing happened." She said suddenly really angry. I had to laugh.
My laughing brought attention to me because obviously I can't do anything without it having to go under a microscope.
"It's nice to see you out and about Teddy." she smiled at me warmly. She placed her hand on the top of my head and rubbed her fingers into my scalp.. I merely grunted. Sue then went back to lecturing Seth about the consequences of lying.
As Sue continued to go on and on I watched with a slight smile on my face. It actually cheered me up a little. It only cheered me up because a part of me wanted to believe Seth said what he said knowing he'd get into this situation.
I noticed eyes on me again, I glanced at the doorway and saw Leah leaning in the doorway with a small smile on her face. For the first time in a while I felt like someone actually..cared about my well being. I glanced away from Leah to Seth who looked completely miserable. I shot him a wink.
I sighed and stuck a bagel into my mouth. To early to get weak Teddy.
After the food I went back to my room. Of course everyone got concerned and thought I was trying to barricade myself in my room again so I said I was inviting Kim over. I was laying on my bed listening to my iPod when I heard a heavy knock on my door or, whatever the piece of wood was suppose to be. Just as I was about to get up and let her in the the damn door fell in. Kim screamed. I sat up quickly rolling my eyes, removing the headphones from my ear and approaching her.
"What happened to your door?" she held a hand to her mouth looking at the door on the floor.
"Seth happened." She stood there from the doorway looking at me trying to look for an explanation. I looked away from her. "So come in." I said gesturing toward my room. I rolled my eyes at her outfit. She was so dressed up heels and all, like there was someone here to impress. Her bright outfit contrasted my room which was very dark.
"It's kind of dark in here don't you think?"
She easily stepped over the door and looked around my room and set her bag down. I pretended not to feel her gaze on me as I lifted the door and placed it over the the gapping hole.
I took a place on the bed beside her.
She adjusted herself so that she was sitting on her legs. I copied her position sensing she was about to go on and on about something.
"What happened Teddy? Talk to me." her gaze was intense her brown eyes bore into mine.
"What do you mean?" I plastered on a smile. "Can't I take a break from you."
"No, Jared told me something." she glanced then and played with her fingers.
"What did he say?" I held my shaking hands in my lap.
"He told me, about what happened with Paul." She glanced up at me again. My breathing hitched. "Teresa, are you okay?" she grabbed my hands and looked down at them.
"You're shaking. It's okay." I looked down at our fingers intertwined.
"It's Teddy. I'm fine, Kim." I continued to look down at our hands feeling so much more calm then I was seconds ago. The pads of her thumb stroked the surface of my hand.
Suddenly the soothing motions stopped. "What happened, to your wrist?" she asked slowly. I looked down at my arms and noticed some blood had soaked through the light green long sleeve shirt I was wearing.
"Nothing." I said slowly pulling my hands away from hers. It surprised me how come I was, this moment was just so surreal. I didn't want anyone to find out about this, disgusting habit it scared the shit out of me. Now it's all out in the open and I feel, relief. I glanced at her face, feeling numb waiting for her to lash out like my mom did. She never understood this...
"Don't tell me you.." she trailed off biting her lip.
"And if I do." My voice was low and calm and sounded foreign to me.
"And if you do you shouldn't." Her voice raised in volume. "How can you do that to yourself Teddy?" I noticed tears filling her eyes. My mouth parted slightly as I watched her confused.
A humorless smile slipped onto my face. "You wouldn't understand. You're happy." I laughed and glanced up at her. "Why are you crying?" I said choking on later. Suddenly her arms were around my neck and she was sobbing quietly into my neck. I awkwardly stroked her back. "Isn't this my job?" I felt my neck get moist from a warm tears.
She tried to speak but I didn't really understand. Then she pulled away.
"I'm sorry. I've been a bad friend." she said wiping her face. Her eyeliner made a trail down to her chin
"What are you talking about crazy?" I watched her amazed. Just literally shocked.
"I didn't -try to listen to you." her shoulder trembled lightly.
"I never had anything to say. Kim" I said folding my arms across my chest in amusement. "It's not you're fault."
As quickly as the tears came they left and turned into anger. I watched her face redden. "I'm going to kill Paul." She stood on a knee and swung another leg over the side of the twin bed.
"Slow down Tiger." I pulled on her arm. She glanced at me and sniffled. "If anyone going to kill him it'll be me." I paused "It's not his fault either."
"So it's your fault Paul lost his temper and almost punched your head in?' she asked fiercely jerking her hand away and sitting back down again. I swallowed quickly.
"Well if you put it that way.." I said smirking at her.
"You need to take this seriously Teddy! This isn't a joke." She screamed. Her voice rose an octave as she grew even more frustrated with me. I stared at her stunned. "Its better to think of it as a joke." I said softly.
She sighed and laid herself back on the bed. "You know it's okay to cry right? It doesn't make you seem weak." I rolled my eyes and was happy she couldn't see. I rested my back on the bed frame. "Yeah, I know. But I can't. I don't have any tears." I said honestly.
"Everyone has tears."
"I guess I ran out when I was a baby." I said shrugging.
"Haha." She sat up on her elbows "I don't appreciate your sarcasm Missy."
"Yeah, learn to cause that's all you'll get."
"But seriously Teddy. You can't..do that anymore." her big brown eyes bore into mine I looked away.
"I know." I rubbed my wrist.
"That means you have to stop. Or I'll tell." I quickly looked up at her.
"What are you five?" Fear suddenly coursing through my veins.
"No, I'm you're friend.
"Friends don't tell on each other."
"Friends don't keep secrets that can potentially hurt each other." She said with a look on her face like she's so smart. "Haven't you red Pretty Little Liars?"
"What?" I said confused. Kim rolled her eyes and then sat up completely. "I'm begging you Teddy. You have to stop." her eyes began to fill up again and I had to resist the urge to roll me eyes.
"If I say no will you cry again?" Her facial expression turned somewhat stoic. I looked away from her scrutiny.
"Fine. I'll stop, okay you little brat?" She grinned and hugged me. I smiled at hugged her back. Apart of me was extremely annoyed to have someone up my ass like this but the other part of me was kind of happy she cared so much. The thing is Kim it isn't as easy as you think. I squezzed her tight.
"Okay. That's enough of this lesbian love fest."
"So get dressed! Let's go get some ice cream and do some shopping."
I groaned "Do I have a choice?"
"Nope. Come on you haven't left this house like 8 billion years"
"3 days Ms. Exaggerator."
"Fine, fine, but I'm not going anywhere with your face like that raccoon eyes."
She touched her face. "You're so mean." she pouted. I chuckled. "Go fix your face beauty queen." she stood from the bed muttering about how it's was my fault she looked like a raccoon.
After about 20 minutes she finished freshening up and we were on our way. We drove down to Port Angeles and I watched Kim shop and chatter away about things I wasn't really paying attention to. After that...pleasure we went down to the ice cream parlor.
We quickly ordered and finally sat our aching feet down. "My feet hurt!" Kim whined. "No one told you to wear those shoes." I said eyeing her heels.
"The fashion god told me." She licked at her ice cream cone.
"You're a freak." I lifted my feet and rested them on the bench in front of me. "I'm exhausted." I let my eyes flutter shut and my head droop to the side. I tried to let my brain relax and not travel to any restricted territory. I thought about how Kim and I had walked into Victoria's Secret and how she forced me to buy this ridiculous thong. It was red and I don't think it should be characterized as clothing but I bought it anyways, mostly because it was kind of sexy.
Then I remembered going shopping with Paul, and how he kept giving me ridiculous bras to try. Heat rose all over my skin and I let out a sigh. I thought about how he almost hurt me. How he said he wouldn't hurt me. I felt a sharp pinch on my ankle and my eyes shot open.
"Adrian, just walked in! Act normal." Kim said in a hushed tone. She flipped her hair and adjusted her top, one would thing she was trying to get his attention. I rolled my eyes. I watched Adrian chat with the cashier before scanning the room. His eyes caught mine and he grinned and started this way. I forced a smile on face and a tiny wave. He's coming over here I mutter between bites.
Kim ran a hang through her hair and licked her ice cream her body looked calm but her eyes didn't.
"Relax crazy eyes." I said under my breath.
"Kimmie!" Adrian said hooking his arm around her shoulder and kissing her cheek. My eyes widen and I looked away while stuffing a bigger spoon of rasberry ice cream in my mouth. "Okay then." I whisper "Hey Teddy." Adrian chirped slipping into the seat next to Kim. Kim sat frozen I resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of my nose.
"Hey Adrian!" I said with mock cheer.
"How have you girls been?" The question was directed at both of us but he only looked at me. I glanced at Kim who sat there really awkwardly, not moving, or speaking. "Great? you?" I asked not really caring of the answer. Adrian grinned tilting his head to the side looking through me now. "Really?" You look like you haven't been getting much sleep." he smirked at me licking his lips. "You need to take better care of yourself."
I slowly reached a hand up and scratched my nose. "Okay.." I said kind of weirded out. He grinned. " I got to go my girlfriends waiting in the car! See you in school next week?" he slowly got up from the bench.
"See you in school next week." I said with crinkled eyebrows. He nudged Kim in the arm and she looked up at hiim. "Bye Kimmie!' he smiled at her. I watched him exchange money for a bag and leave the store.
"That's why Jared doesn't like him." I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah." She said wiping her ice cream that was dripping down her hand
"You're such a dork." I said looking at her. "So pathetic."
"It's not my fault he makes me nervous." she said looking flustered.
"You have a boyfriend. He should be the only one making you nervous Kim."
"Yeah, I know." she said swirling her tongue around the ice cream sadly.
"Anyways..can we leave now?"
"Uhuh." She was a little quiet now her change of mood effected me.
"I won't mention this to Jared, Kim. I don't even talk to that fool." Kim shurgged as she gathered her stuff. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say..
"It's okay he's..really cute. It makes sense that you get all stupid around him. But you shouldn't let him do that to you."
Kim shimmed out of the bench and smiled at me. "You're right." she licked her ice cream again. "Let's go home!"
"Home?" I asked confused as I brought my legs down.
"Yeah, I'm sleeping over." she said with a stupid smile on her face. I kept the smile that wanted to come on my face away.
"Yeah. Three cheers for Kim!" I said in a monotone. "Jerk." she whispered. In reality I was happy I wouldn't be alone.