Love, Aspen

I spit out a mouthful of foam into the white sink in front of me. I raised my face to see a shitty teal paint job. I’d gotten so fucking used to seeing that paint job over the last few months; it was no longer a shock that when I looked up, I wasn’t seeing myself looking back at me. I wiped my mouth with the arm of my orange jump suit and tossed my disposable tooth brush in the trash can just across the room. I was checked slightly as I walked out of the bathroom by the new guard. As I came into the lunch room, I had a slight smirk stretched across my lips. I grabbed my tray of shit lunch and sat down with Cassie and Alex at the table.

“Did you see that new bathroom guard?” I laughed. “Fuckin’ butch dyke.”

Both of them looked at me for a moment before they started cracking up. “She probably thinks you’re fucking hot.”

Cassie put her fork down. “She ’s going to grab you around the waist and throw you against the wall, she’s going to take your clothes off and frisk you.” She grinned as she looked at Alex and then at Tara who was sitting down. “Then she’s going to get on her knees and put her tongue right in your twat—“

“Jesus Christ Cassie!” I laughed nervously. “You’re fuckin’ sick dude.”

Cassie merely shook her head and shoveled her food in her mouth, smiling with her lips closed. The table was quiet for the most part now, just slight comments about the butch guard and me and other things.

Most of the girls were being released today. They were just one or two week kids, getting released early. I had been in juvie for over five months now and was supposed to be released within a couple of weeks. I’d met so many girls who were only in for being out past curfew or getting caught with a dirty UA or something. They were all just waiting to get out so they could get wasted and fuck their boyfriends or get some X and get whacked out of their minds for a night or two. Cassie had come in two months after I had and was supposed to be getting out sometime today or tomorrow and all she could talk about was getting a god damn cigarette. I had been aching for one ever since I got thrown into this shit hole.

Seriously, anyone who’s ever been in juvie would know what the hell I’m talking about. It’s disgusting. I’m stuck in here using disposable tooth brushes, wearing underwear other girls have worn and only being able to wash my jumpsuit once a week. I shower in cold water and brush my teeth once at night and once in the morning. I have to be escorted to the bathroom and checked every time I leave. I’m not saying it’s not my fault; because it is. But it gets hard to blame yourself for shit when you’ve been living in some fuck all place for almost five months.

My sentence was supposed to be up in a couple of weeks and I should be getting out, but I still have to meet with my fucking probation officer next week before I hear any word about that at all. I shoved my fork into my mashed potatoes and moved it around a little bit when Cassie’s voice found its way into my ears.

“Hey, Aspen you fucking retard.” She snapped. “Quit playing with your food and listen to me.”

“What?”

“I think I’m getting out today—“

“I know. You’ve only been talking about it for the last fucking week and a half.”

She scoffed. “Will you quit being pissed off that I’m getting out before you and fucking listen to me?”

“What?” I snapped, looking up at her.

“I’m going to write you a letter tonight and I’ll leave it in the third stall in the bathroom behind the toilet paper roll.”

“They’re going to check me when I walk out.”

“Well, all you have to do is fold it up and stuff it between your tits.” She grinned, groping herself with both hands.

“Yeah, great plan.” I paused, reaching for my almost nonexistent chest. “Slight problem there. I have no tits.”

The officers started yelling that dinner was over and we were to drop out trays and get to our sessions.

Cassie stood up and leaned towards me across the table. “Fold it up like a fan and stick it between your ass cheeks.”

“What if they ask me to bend over and cough?” I smirked.

“Well then I guess they’ll know everything about us.” She smiled at me, just barely running her fingernail underneath my chin. “Won’t they?”

I swallowed nervously and nodded at her. “I guess they will.”

“See you around, outside of this shit hole.” She said, grabbing her tray. “Sound good, Doll?”

I smiled at her. “Yeah.”

As I picked up my tray and walked away from Cassie, my stomach started to ache. It was that weird ache, like the longing ache for a cigarette. Not that I was addicted to Cassie, but there was definitely something between us that I was going to miss once she was gone. I’m still not entirely sure what went on between us, besides the fact that I took my sexual frustration out on her.

When we showered, she’d stand a little closer to me than she would anyone else. Her eyes would trail to my tits and I’d catch her staring at me. She’d often comment on the fact that she liked how my carpet matched my drapes, that she was a sucker for red heads. And things just started happening. Guards weren’t all that watchful at times, especially at night when lights were out and both of us were supposed to be in separate beds. Every room had two beds and big metal door that slammed shut. Only a small square window was at the top of the door where the guards would look in every few minutes. If they saw anything suspicious, they’d open up the door. A few pillows could always substitute for a body and as long as one of us was between the legs of the other, we didn’t have a problem hiding anything. I was quiet when I really needed to be, and it seemed that I never had to worry about getting Cassie off because she was always the one to initiate the sex (I guess that’s what you’d call it) and she never seemed to be upset that she was the one doing all the work. We’d always joke about it in front of the other girls just to scare them away, and at first it was just jokes. But it was a hand there, a mouth here, a finger there, and then it was mouth everywhere, fingers traveling and a tongue wherever it wanted to be.

I guess I just let her do it because I was so sexually frustrated by the time that she showed up, I could care less who was getting me off. She had this confidence about her, this arrogance that just made her hot. Her hair was dyke short, bleached blonde with dark roots and she had multiple holes underneath her bottom lip that indicated she did have piercings. She had stretched ears and shitty tattoos covering her stomach that trailed down her legs. I’m not sure I was really ever in love with her. I think I just liked the fact that someone found me attractive, that someone wanted me, and the fact that her tongue never got tired was a plus. When I was moaning for her to stop, she’d tease me just slightly and then lean in again. When my thighs shook, she’d run her fingers across my skin and continue pressing her tongue against me.

I found myself tearing up slightly as I walked towards my session. Cassie was probably going to end up leaving today and I was going to miss her. Not because she’d fucked me senseless on several accounts or because she was sexy, but just because she was my best friend. I told her things that I hadn’t told most people and I really cared about her as a person. I found myself hoping that she would find some girl to fall in love with, some girl who actually was attracted to other girls, and not some girl who was merely infatuated with her.

I sat down in a chair that was part of the circle. The girls that were part of my session were a bunch of psychos. Because of my crime, I was placed in the psych ward sessions, so that interns who were training to be therapists could sit around and take notes on me and all the other nut jobs.

I was the only girl in my group who wasn’t fucking insane, but I guess my crime was reason enough to keep me here. I was stuck here even though I was showing no signs of violence or talking about my crime like it wasn’t wrong. I knew my crime was wrong, I just chose to ignore the fact because I could really give a fuck how wrong it was. The bell sounded and the session started. I sat there and waited for the minutes to tick by until it was over. By then, we headed out for a quick game break and I walked to mine and Cassie’s spot, hoping to get one last touch from her, one last sneaky kiss that we’d get yelled for, but she was gone.

My stomach had that aching feeling again and I asked if I could go use the bathroom. I walked into the third stall and pulled my jumper off, reaching forward with two hands and yanking the toilet paper roll forward, watching as a piece of paper fell on the ground. I picked it up quickly and my hands shook. I wanted to read it now, but I knew that would cause suspicion if I did. I tried sticking it in my cotton bra, but that was no use. I could see it sticking out of the jump suit. So, taking Cassie’s joke seriously, I folded it up and stuck it in the front of my underwear.

As I walked out of the bathroom, the new guard looked at me and I felt like she fucking knew everything about me. She was just giving me this look like I know you fucked Cassie and now you’re upset she’s leaving. I know, I’m a big lesbian so I know how you feel.

As she leaned down and ran her hands up my thighs, I couldn’t help but let a small smirk come over my face. It was always inevitable that I would sit there in front of Cassie and make fun of lesbians. It was something I’d always done and I never thought much of it. That was another reason she had for finding me so irresistible.

”It’s one thing to make a lesbian moan, but to make a straight girl moan? That means I’m a fucking demon in the sack.”

Moments later, we were ushered to bed and I was removing my clothes when the note fell from my underwear. I quickly picked it up and stuffed it underneath my mattress before the guard could knock on my door and verify that I was dressed. By the time I laid down that night, it was too dark to see anything, much less read the fucking note Cassie had left. For the first night in three months, I was the only person in my cell. No other breathing to accompany mine and not another girl to sneak into my bed, running her cold hands over my body.

I was completely alone in my cell. That was how this whole thing had started and this must be how it had to end. Me alone. For the rest of my fucking life.