Love, Aspen

My eyes shot open and I breathed in heavily, clutching my hand to my chest. My first instinct was to jump off the couch and run into Matt’s room, but I couldn’t get off the couch. The living room was so fucking dark and I could only see light through the slits in the blinds. I closed my eyes and pulled the blanket over my face, but that did nothing to diminish my fear. I sat up and clutched the blanket around my shoulders, looking at the clock. It was four in the morning and wouldn’t be light for at least two more hours. Tears started to spill from my eyes and my chin trembled. I tried to keep quiet, but my voice was at a bare minimum as I tried covering it with the blanket.

Within minutes, Matt’s bedside light was on. I was able to calm down even for a moment because the light was on. I looked around me and there was nothing around. Just like any other night that I had woken up crying. I heard him shift around in his bed and I did not move.

“Aspen.” He murmured. “Get in here.”

I ignored him, lying down again quickly and pretending like I was still asleep. I closed my eyes and my heart pounded relentlessly in my chest. I was not going to go in his room. I didn’t want him to think I needed him to comfort me. I needed him for room and board, that was it. Nothing else. I didn’t need his fucking emotional pity if he was going to give me shit about it later.

“Aspen.”

I continued ignoring him. And I heard him throw his blankets to the other side of his bed, his bare feet scratching against the carpet as he walked to his doorway. He stopped, leaning against the side of it. I looked at him.

“Are you coming in here?”

“No.” I said quietly.

He sighed loudly and continued to make his way out to the living room with me. He sat down on the coffee table and rubbed his hands together, linking his fingers together and then looking over at me. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier, Aspen. I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s okay.”

At this point, I just wanted him to get the fuck away from me. I could feel the tears resurfacing as I thought about Ryan, as I thought about how I told Andy, and he did everything but ignore me, I thought about how I had almost told Matt earlier.

“I just don’t understand why you felt like you could tell Andy. Do you feel like you can’t trust me or something? I’m not going to laugh at you; I’m not going to see you any differently. And the only reason I wanted to know was because I thought maybe I could figure out a way to get rid of your nightmares or something.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Will you talk to me?”

“About what?”

“Your nightmares.”

I pulled the blanket closer to my chin now. “I’ve been having night mares for almost a year now, Matt. There’s nothing you can do to make them go away. I had a traumatic experience, okay? That’s what happens, you have nightmares.”

“There’s nothing I can do to help?” He said. “Nothing at all?”

“Nope.”

He was getting irritated with me now, I could tell. “Aspen, it’s not like I want to know this because it’s fucking juicy gossip or something.”

“Then why the fuck do you want to know? What’s it to you? You knowing is not going to make my nightmares go away, Matt.”

“I just wish there was something I could do to help.”

“You have.”

He was quiet for a long time and then looked away from me. “Why won’t you just tell me Aspen?”

“Because.” I snapped, “I don’t fucking want to.”

“Fine, I’ll just go ask Andy.”

I sat up on the couch now, “Go right ahead! He wasn’t fucking listening anyway!”

“Is that why you told him?” He snarled, “So you could go and complain about being ignored some more?”

Without thinking, I stood up and leaned down in Matt’s face. “I told him because I thought he would listen!”

Matt stood up now, coming face to face with me. “I’m all fucking ears Aspen, I’m listening. Let me fucking hear it!”

I shoved him hard into the entertainment center, but before he fell, he grabbed a hold of my shoulders and held me in place. I squirmed in his grip and tried to shove him away, but my efforts were fruitless as he held me against him, my face pressed against his chest, my attempts at getting away from him meaning nothing.

“Let me fucking go.” I whimpered.

“Tell me.”

“Fuck off.”

He squeezed me closer to him now. “Just tell me Aspen.”

I could no longer form words anymore. My body was so weak, my emotions so shot. I was fucking tired and I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was like a never ending battle with him. He just had to know, and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him that night that I went to his house; there was no way I could tell him now. I couldn’t. Not after Andy completely ignored me last night, pretending like he didn’t even hear me. What if Matt thought I was fucking lying? What if he thought I was trying to make a joke out of it all? I went completely limp in his arms and I could no longer cry.

“Aspen?”

My voice was so quiet, it was below a whisper. “Ryan and I got really high that night. We went to that playground,” I swallowed. “And we were up in that slide and I kept telling him no, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to, I could feel it happening and I wanted it to fucking stop. But I was so fucking high, I couldn’t do anything but lay there—“

Matt clutched me in his arms even harder now. “Aspen.”

“And I don’t know if he raped me,” I paused. “Or if we had sex, Matt. I don’t even remember because I was so fucked up. I was so fucking gone. And then he just left. He left me up there and I freaked out. I kept hearing shit and I don’t know if there was actually someone there, or if it was the drugs and then I just ran. I didn’t even have my pants buttoned up and I jumped off the steps and ran to the gas station and I called you.”

“That was the night you came to my house? The night before you left?”

I nodded, saying absolutely nothing. Matt dragged me over to the couch and pulled me into his lap. At that point, I could do nothing but lie limp in his arms. I felt so fucking weak, so emotionally drained. I had literally told him everything now, and he was the only one who knew; who listened. The only one who cared. I trembled in his arms and my body shook with gasps for breath. I was so worked up at that point I could hardly breathe. Tears poured into the snot coming out of my nose and I wiped my nose on my bare arm.

“I feel so fucking stupid.” I sobbed. “That was the whole thing I didn’t want to tell you. Because I’m fucking embarrassed. I let Ryan get into my pants and he was the only guy that ever did. Isn’t that something to be proud of? I fucked the school loser, Matt. And I can’t even remember it because I was so wacked out of my mind.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone?” He asked quietly, his voice rumbling in his chest. “Why didn’t you press charges?”

“I couldn’t do anything. You don’t understand how fucked up I was Matt. I was so fucked up that even now I’m not even sure what happened that night. All I remember is calling you.”

Matt put his hand on the side of my head, clutching it to his chest. He kissed the top of my head and murmured, “Oh Aspen.” Into my hair.

I continued to cry, continued to sob, to make a complete idiot out of myself. The hours ticked by and it turned into six in the morning when Matt was finally able to calm me down enough to talk to me.

“When you told Andy,” he paused. “He just ignored you?”

I nodded. “I think he wanted to know about the fire. He kept asking me about it up until I brought up Ryan. And I think I made him uncomfortable, so he just pretended like he couldn’t hear me. I’m not stupid; I knew he wouldn’t really give a fuck. I just wanted someone to talk to. Someone that didn’t feel like I was a burden.”

He looked at me, giving me a sharp look. “You are not a burden to me, Aspen.” He paused. “I’m only going to say this now and if you ever bring it up again, I will unleash on you. Do you understand me?”

I nodded.

“If you were a burden to me, I would not have been there for you all throughout high school. If you were a burden now, I would not be here for you. I wouldn’t have taken you into my shitty apartment. I wouldn’t let you sleep in my bed every night after you wake up with one of those night mares.” He was quiet for a moment, pressing his lips to the side of my head and then pulling away. “And I sure as fuck would not be sitting here right now with you, talking about this with you. I wouldn’t have tried so hard to understand you.”

“So you don’t think I’m a fucking idiot?” I sniffled, laughing quietly.

“I think you’ve got some problems. But so do I.”

“You didn’t light a playground on fire.”

“That’s because I don’t have the balls.” He laughed.

“Oh shut the fuck up.” I said, slapping him on the arm lightly.

Both of us were quiet for a long time and I looked up at him. His blue eyes were surrounded by bags and they were so full of worry. He smiled at me sadly and I looked down, and then looked back up again. I placed both hands on the sides of his neck stared at his mouth.

Hot breath poured from between his lips onto my nose and he leaned down just slightly, his lips only centimeters away from mine. My heart was pounding in my chest at this point. I maneuvered my way out of his lap so that I was sitting on his knees. His hands rested just barely on my waist. I moved one hand away from his neck and pressed it against his chest, feeling the beating of his heart. It was faster than mine, and moving at a different pace. I looked up at him and smiled.

He covered my smile with his mouth, kissing me softly at first. I sucked in a deep breath of air, the feeling of his lips on mine a complete shock. For so many years, we had been dared by ourselves to do this, and now we were finally doing it. We were connecting in a mess of emotion.

I couldn’t help but compare the feeling of his lips to the feeling of Cassie’s. His mouth was so soft, so warm and completely self-conscious. When I had kissed Cassie, her lips had been rough and cracked, forceful and hungry.

I moved my mouth away from Matt’s and rested my forehead against his lips. He kissed my forehead again and again until I moved my mouth back up and kissed his mouth again. Both of us parted our throbbing lips, but made no move to deepen the kiss. I breathed into his parted lips and he breathed into mine, both of us too emotionally shattered by us finally kissing to do anything but hold on to each other, worried the other would fall over from the shock.