Love, Aspen

I woke up to my phone ringing. I reached over Aspen to the bedside table and realized she wasn’t there. I sat up and looked at the clock. It was already noon. She must have left to go clean. I didn’t blame her, she wasn’t exactly happy with me after what had happened yesterday.

I grabbed my phone and pressed the answer button without even looking to see who it was. “Hello?”

“Hi Matt.” My mom’s voice fluttered through the phone. She sighed. “How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“I miss you.” She said quietly. “And I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry I got so upset with you about Aspen. I know that you’re just trying to help her out and that you feel bad for her. I just don’t want you to get stuck up in her shit. She needs to learn how to take care of herself.”

I rubbed my face. “I know Mom.”

“Well, Matt. I just remember when you were a kid and you’d be sneaking out of the house to go take care of her. Then you’d be tired all day the next day. And I can’t stop thinking that maybe the reason you and Courtney split up might be because of Aspen.”

I counted to eight and then bit my tongue. “Mom, Courtney and I have been split up for a while now. It wasn’t Aspen’s fault. Okay?”

“Alright.”

“I just… You know Aspen. She’s really a sweet girl and she can be something. She just needs encouragement. She needs someone to give a shit about her. And no one but me has been that person for her.”

“Well, I tell you what. Why don’t you guys come over for dinner tomorrow? I haven’t seen you in a while and I’m sick of eating dinner with this god damn dog.”

I grinned. “You’re not going to lecture us, are you?”

“No, Matt. You’re old enough to know better and I can’t keep you from doing the things that you want to do. I can only watch out for you and you know that’s why I’m being like this. I wouldn’t act like this if I didn’t care about you and love you.”

“I know Mom. I know.” I laughed. “I love you.”

“I love you too Matt. So tomorrow? Let’s plan for 4:30?”

“4:30 it is.”

“Bye.”

“See you.”

I hung up the phone and set it on the night stand table. I groaned and laid back down in the bed, pulling the blankets back over me. I wanted to know when Aspen was supposed to be back, but I didn’t necessarily have a way of contacting her. Although, I was kind of glad that she wasn’t here, because I wanted to talk to her about our ‘relationship’ but I wasn’t sure how. I didn’t want to turn her off completely, because there were times when I felt like we could really work out a relationship between us. But I didn’t want her to feel like I was just using her. And I didn’t want her to just be with me because she felt like there was nowhere else for her to go. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her just yet.

I jumped in bed as I heard the door slam shut. Aspen walked into the room and chucked a handful of money at me, not bothering to say a word before she walked into the kitchen and grabbed the pack of cigarettes. She was out the back door before I could even pick up the money.

I counted the bills in my hand. I recounted them. Once. Twice. And three times. She had $175. I slowly set the money on the nightstand and a million scenarios went through my mind before I settled on the fact that she must have stolen it. There was no other way she could have made that much money in the amount of time she was gone.

I sighed and got out of bed, not necessarily ready to address the situation at hand, but not really having a choice. I looked at her out of the sliding glass door a couple seconds before opening it.

“You wanna tell me where the fuck you got that much money?”

“Cleaning.” She said quietly, shrugging.

“Oh really?” I snapped. “Whose house did you clean? The mayor’s?”

She laughed. “Would’ve spent all that trying to get there.”

“Aspen, I’m not fucking around with you. Where did you get it?”

She stood up, putting her half smoked cigarette out on the siding. “Does it matter? Go buy some groceries or something.”

She came through the door, shoving me to the side. I slammed the door shut. “Aspen.”

She continued walking away from me. “I think I’m going to take a shower.”

“God damn it.” I seethed. It took me a mere three seconds to get across the living room and grab her by the elbow. I pulled in her into me. “Tell me where you got that fucking money, Aspen. Now.”

“Fuck you.” She muttered, attempting to pull away from me.

I held onto her, pulling her face towards me. “I know you think you’re a bad ass. With your god damn stealing and your lying, and lasting almost a year in juvie. But I tell you what, you will not be so bad ass when I kick you out and you’re living on the streets and then whoever you took that money from calls your ass in.”

“I didn’t fucking steal it!” She screamed, yanking away from me.

“Then where did you get it?”

She sighed, hiccupping from her tears. “I don’t want to tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Aspen, you better tell me now. I will find out sooner or later.”

“I can’t.”

“Oh you can’t, huh? Why not?”

“You’re going to think I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Aspen.” I said quietly. “Please just tell me.”

She sniffed loudly. “I was at this guy’s house, cleaning. I was sincerely cleaning. And he just like, kept making comments and he kept coming onto me.” She paused. “Jesus fucking Christ… And it’s been a long time since I’ve… and I was mad at you because you wouldn’t… and it just happened.” She stopped for a minute, crying so hard she couldn’t talk. “And when I was leaving, he just pressed all that money into my hand. And I took it because I know that we need it…”

“Aspen.” I sighed. “You’re sleeping with people for money? You can’t do that.”

“I didn’t sleep with him for money.”

“Oh, so you just slept with him?” I scoffed. “Even better.”

“I didn’t mean to. It just happened.” She cried.

“Oh right. Like it just happened that night with Ryan?”

Before I could brace myself, she shoved me so hard that I flew across the living room and landed against the coffee table, crashing to the floor. She stood over me, crying. “Fuck you Matt!” She screamed. “I told you, it just happened. I’m fucking sorry, okay? I’m fucking sorry that I’m so fucked up. I’m sorry!”

As I looked up at her, I never felt so terrible for something I said in my entire life. My heart literally ached for her. I went around preaching to everyone that she just needed a fucking chance, and here I was, tearing her down while she was at her worst.

I stood up and grabbed her, pulling her into my arms, holding her against my chest. “God damn it, Aspen. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was so fucked. I’m sorry.” Tears started to pour from my eyes now. “I know I’m a fucking asshole. And I know that you didn’t mean to, that you’re just frustrated and I want to have a relationship with you. I really do care about you; I just don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.”

“I’m so sorry.” She sobbed. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

I pulled her away from me and looked into her eyes. “You’re not stupid, you just do stupid things. You’re smart and you’re a beautiful person, you need to realize that.”

She nodded.

“Go take a shower.” I said quietly, “I’ll make you something to eat.”

She walked away from me without saying anything to me. I didn’t blame her, she was probably embarrassed and confused and pissed off and hurt. And on top of all that, she couldn’t even be mad at me because I was the only person who gave a fuck or would listen to her. As I heard the shower start up, I leaned against the counter and bit my lip, tears crawling out of my eyes. I pressed my palms against my face. I didn’t know what the fuck to do with her. It was times like these that I worried about her. Now I was thinking twice about taking her in, and I knew it was wrong because this was just one slip up.

And the way that she explained it didn’t really sound like getting fucked for money was her intention. I guess we all just make our stupid mistakes. I almost hooked up with Kelsey and she messed around with some guy in our apartment complex. Shit happens. But I couldn’t let it to continue to happen. I had to talk to her about it before things got out of hand.

I put a pot of water on the stove to boil and grabbed a package of ramen out of the cabinet. By the time it was finished and cooked, Aspen came into the living room, dressed in my clothes, her hair tied up in a bandana. She picked up the bowl of noodles and twisted a mouthful around her fork, then set it back down in the bowl, looking everywhere but at me.

I cleared my throat. “I think that maybe we should just get you a job somewhere else.”

“Are you sure you can trust me not to fuck anyone else?”

“If you can trust yourself.”

She looked at me. “What does that mean?”

“It means that I shouldn’t have brought up Ryan and that I’m sorry. It also means that I understand that you fucked up, big deal. Everyone fucks up. I just don’t want you doing things that could hurt you or get you in trouble.”

“I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.” She muttered.

I reached out and rubbed her back. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry I exploded on you like that.”

She shrugged. “Someone has to.”

“Not like that.” I said. “I’m sorry.”

She looked up at me, smiling. “I forgive you.”

I took the bowl of noodles from her and set them on the counter, pulling her against my chest again, hugging her. I heard her muffled voice and I pulled away from her. “Did you say something?” I asked playfully.

“I said.” She laughed. “Does this mean that we’re friends again?”

“We’ll always be friends.”

“Just friends?” She asked.

“I didn’t say that.” I grinned, pulling her against me again and putting my chin on her head. “Just friends for right now. Is that okay with you?”

She nodded. “That’s perfect.”

“Oh.” I laughed. “I forgot to tell you. While you were out, Mom called and she wants us over for dinner tomorrow. Is that okay with you?”

She smiled up at me. “I don’t really have a choice, now do I?” She asked. “Your mom doesn’t hate me, does she?”

I shrugged. “I don’t think so. But you never know.”

“Maaaatt,” she whined. “I don’t want to go over there if she hates me. She won’t want me there eating her food.”

“Oh hush.” I said. “Mom doesn’t hate you. No one hates you. In fact, I think everyone just loves you.”

“Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Love me?”

“Do I love you?” I mused. “You know what, I think I do. I think I do love you, Aspen.”