Love, Aspen

I walked behind my parole officer slowly, not wanting to walk right up his ass. I had this strange fear that if I got too close to someone of authority, they’d turn around and deck me in the face for trying to ‘assault’ them. I’d seen it happen before and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened to me. The only thing I could focus on was the way his slacks tightened around his legs every time he walked. He wasn’t good looking and he was slightly old, but he seemed to have a nice body underneath all that important clothing.

He stopped in front of a door and pulled out a ring of keys, grabbing two or three of them before finding the right one. He jammed it in the doorknob and pushed the door open, holding it for me. I walked inside and stood awkwardly to the side, not sure if I was supposed to sit down or remain standing. He closed the door behind him and looked over at me, smiling softly.

“Aspen, you can sit down.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

I sat down in the old worn chair, covered in an ugly purple and green print. My hands tightened around the edges of the cushion. Whenever I was around my parole officer, I always felt like he knew everything about me. I know that he knows about all of my crimes and everything related to the law, but I just always wondered if he knew about the reasoning behind the crime that landed me in here. I wondered if he knew about all the things that happened to me since I’d been enrolled in the juvenile system. He didn’t necessarily have a way of knowing, but he just gave me that weird feeling like he did know. Although I supposed all figures of authority were supposed to have that aura about them.

“So Aspen.” He spoke quietly, sitting down at his desk. “Your sentence is up in about
seventeen days.”

I nodded.

He moved some papers around and clicked on some files on his computer. I tried to strain my eyes without moving my neck to look at his files. But my eyes quickly averted when he looked up at me from under the rims of his glasses.

“There isn’t much on here that you don’t already know.” He grinned. “I’m just going through some things. Looking for contacts we could call.”

“For what?”

“Well Aspen.” He turned away from the computer to face me. “You’re still a ward of the state because you’re under the age of 18, therefore you will have to be released to someone who is of age and passes a certain set of requirements.”

I laughed. “You might as well just keep me in here until I turn 18 then.”

“Why?”

“I don’t have anywhere to go. No one wants to take me in after being in jail for the last six months.”

“You can call your aunt or your uncle? Your grandparents?”

I shook my head. “All of my family members are convinced I’m just like my mom. They won’t want me in their house.”

“Don’t you have any friends whose parents would take you in?”

“I’m really not sure. I don’t think so.” I paused. “The reason I’m in jail is because no one wanted to bail me out. I really don’t think that anyone is going to provide somewhere for me to live because I’m finally being released.”

“So you’re telling me that you just want to wait until you’re 18 to leave?” He paused, not waiting for my reply. “Where are you going to go then? You don’t have any money or any place to live.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.” My voice quieted to almost a whisper, “I just know that no one is going to take me in.”

“You can’t think of one person?”

I started sifting through my mind, trying to think of people that I’ve known. I’d been taken away from my mother, and then I went on to show some of her characteristics, causing my whole family to give up on me, just like my dad had when I was younger. I thought back to my high school friends. Lauren. But we’d gone separate ways after freshman year. She went on to be good in school, join the sports teams, and I just decided to get high in the bathroom and practically fly to class. There was Erin, and we’d always get high with her mom, I knew she wouldn’t pass the inspection. Then I thought about Sonny. He lived in a foster home and had most likely been adopted by now. I highly doubted he had the same phone number or anything. But he had friends. Travis, Derek and Matt.

Matt was probably the only one who’d gotten somewhere in his life. He was always the one that kept a watch on everyone. The designated driver. The friend who pats your back when you’re hacking from a bong hit. The guy who would always lend you a cigarette. He was the responsible one out of the five of us. I had always tagged around with them just to get to all the good parties. I remember on several occasions Matt shoving me through my bedroom window. I remember him walking me home. But mostly I remember how much I annoyed him, how he never wanted anything to do with me; but helped me out because he felt like he needed to. Like he felt bad for me. And I felt stupid because it always was one of those lame ass pity parties when I was around him. I was always slobbering drunk or high as a kite when I was around him. He was always caring, but he had always had a strong dislike for me. I wasn’t sure if it was because he felt bad for me or if he really couldn’t stand me. Either way, he wasn’t someone I could call.

I shook my head at the parole officer. “No. I can’t.”

“Listen Aspen.” He said sternly, getting serious now. “I know you don’t want to be in here any longer than you have to be. I know that you want to get the hell out of here, but we can’t just let you go without releasing you to someone. There are several ways to get around these types of things. Call someone up and ask them to just pretend they’re going to take you in. They pass inspection and you’re out. You’re free to do whatever you want as long as you don’t get caught.” He paused. “I’m not saying that you can just go around doing drugs and whatever else, but you can get out of here without actually having to find somewhere to live. Do you get what I’m saying?”

I nodded. “I don’t even know if I can find someone who would do that for me.”

“Here’s what I’m going to tell you.” He said. “Your hearing is in ten days exactly. So if I were you I would sit down and think of some people to call up. Anyone to get you out of here, preferably someone you could actually live with and establish a living style. But at the moment, anyone will do.”

I looked away from him. First at the wall, then a filing cabinet, and finally I tried looking out of the window, but eventually I had to turn to face him again. “Okay.”

“I’ll be meeting with you again in few days and hopefully you’ll have thought of someone to call by then.” He paused, waiting for me to answer. When I didn’t, he pried. “Right Aspen?”

“Right.”

“Go ahead and walk to the end of the hallway and you’ll be escorted back to the game room until lunch is ready.”

“Thanks.”

I stood up slowly and just as slowly, I walked out of the door. I looked around for anyone but couldn’t see a single person. Tears were pricking at the corners of my eyes like a tattoo needle finishing up its last project. As I made my way into the rec room, I saw some of the girls looking at me weird.

Alex looked at me like she was feeling sorry for me, but next to her Tara was practically sneering at me. I wiped the bottom of my eyes and turned to go to the bathroom when I heard Tara say something.

“You miss your girlfriend?”

I turned around. “What?”

“Your girlfriend; Cassie. You miss her?” She smirked.

“She wasn’t my girlfriend.”

“Oh right,” she nodded. “You guys just licked each other’s pussies, huh?”

I felt my face grow red as I looked down at her. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” I snapped. “Every time Cassie was talking about that, she was just fucking around.”

She laughed, looking over at Alex. Alex’s face was buried in a deck of cards and she was doing her best to ignore the conversation between Tara and me.

“I’m going to miss your freckled thighs rubbing against my face and your soft lips on my cheek.” She paused. “What the fuck else did that note say? Oh! I’m going to miss you whimpering like a little girl when your legs started to shake—“

“God damn it Tara.” I said through gritted teeth and teary eyes. “Shut the fuck up.”

I walked away before she could say anything else. I walked past the guard straight into the bathroom and pressed my hands against my face, crying into my palms. I tried to be quiet, but my loud sobbing caught the attention of the guard and I heard her knocking on the stall
door.

“Everything all right in there?”

I nodded behind the door, and then spoke up. “I’m okay.”

“I’m going to need you to open up the stall door just to show me that there’s no self injury or anything of the sort.”

I stood up and unlocked the door, pulling it towards me.

She looked around cautiously and then nodded, showing no signs of sympathy. “You okay in there?" She asked again.

"I'm fine." I muttered.

“Well the lunch bell should be ringing in about five minutes. Why don’t you go on out to the rec room and get ready to eat?”

I nodded, not looking at her. I walked past her and she didn’t even bother calling me back to check me.

As I sat down at a table to eat my lunch, my stomach rumbled but I wasn’t hungry. I was too worried to be hungry. Honestly, I could give a fuck if all the girls here knew that I had a thing with Cassie. This wasn’t high school, it was some shit ass jail and I was due out soon. The thing that was bugging me the most at the moment was the fact that I had nowhere to live. My parole officer was right. Even if I did fake it and managed to get my ass out of here, where the hell would I go? I don’t have any money; I don’t have any friends or family. I don’t have anyone but myself.

I closed my eyes as I started to feel like I was going to cry again. I didn’t want to start bawling in front of everyone. It made me feel so fucking weak and stupid. I wiped my eyes and pushed my tray away from me, the smell of the food was nauseating. My mind kept replaying scenarios of Matt rescuing me when I was younger, holding my hair back as I yacked my brains out in some bush, stealing some girl’s pants from her closet when I pissed myself, making sure I was never alone with a bunch of guys. Maybe if I was lucky enough, he’d still be Mr. Responsible and he’d get me out of this hellhole. It might be weird living with him, but it’s worth a shot.

The only problem I’m going to have now is actually getting him to agree to this complete insanity.