Love, Aspen

I walked into the apartment as quietly as I could, closing the door softly behind me. I was sure Aspen was still asleep and I didn’t want to wake her up. After seeing the way she looked when she came home yesterday and how hysterical she was about Cassie, I figured that something was wrong with her. It was probably because I was leaving for tour and she was scared. I knew she was going to miss me. But I couldn’t just turn down the tour to spend time with her. I wanted her to go, and I knew that she wanted to go, but the both of us knew that that was totally out of the question.

I set some grocery bags on the counter and started to put them away. I had just gotten back from the store after stopping by Andy’s house. I knew that Aspen would be pissed beyond recognition if she caught wind of what I had just done, but I couldn’t just leave her to fend for herself; I couldn’t bring myself to do that to her, even if she thought that she could handle it. It’s not that I didn’t think she could handle it; I just wanted to make sure that if she needed something to fall back on, there would be someone there.

I stopped by his house and just asked him to keep an eye on Aspen for the next few months that I was going to be gone. Just drop by and see if I was around. Maybe he could drop by and ‘borrow the car’. I mean, just stupid shit like that so it wouldn’t really seem like he was watching her, but I knew that she was okay. Because I couldn’t trust her to tell me if something was wrong, I knew that she would just hold her chin up high and deal with it. I sighed and ran my hands over my face, leaning against the fridge. I popped open a can of soda and took a swig from it, jumping at the sound of Aspen tumbling out of bed and into the bathroom. I made my way to the door of the bathroom and watched as she cradled the toilet in her arms and coughed a few times.

“Are you okay?”

She looked up at me and nodded. “I just felt like I was going to be sick.”

“Morning sickness.” I laughed.

She glared up at me. “That’s not even funny, Matt.”

“Oh come on, you have to find something funny, don’t you? Why have you been so mopey lately?”

She stood up and walked past me. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m being stalked by some crazy bitch that I was in jail with, my boyfriend is leaving me to go play music, oh! And I’m going to have to live by myself for the next three months.”

I followed her into the kitchen. “If you’re really that worried about Cassie, we’ll get a restraining order against her or something. And you were homeless by yourself for a while. You’ve basically lived by yourself your whole life, Aspen. Quit acting like this is some big deal.”

“But it is a big deal, Matt.” She said, tears coming to her eyes. “It’s a big fucking deal to me. I love you and you’re leaving me.”

“Babe.” I sighed, putting my soda down on the counter and pulling her into my arms. “I am not leaving you. I would never leave you unless you wanted me to. I am just taking a small vacation that will hopefully bring in some money. Okay? I don’t want you to feel like I’m leaving you or I’m only doing this so that I can get away from you. We need the money, and if we didn’t, I probably wouldn’t go on tour.”

She pulled away from me and wiped her eyes. “I’m being such a baby about this.” She laughed. “So fucking selfish. God damn it, when did I become so emotionally independent?”

“When you finally found someone who was willing to take care of you.” I smiled down at her. “You’re not being selfish.”

“Yes I am, Matt. You love your music and your band and you guys are amazing and I’m sitting here acting like it’s the end of the world because you’re going to be gone. I just need to suck it up and let you go. I’m just making you feel ten times worse about the whole situation.”

“Just think about it. Technically, it’s only ¾ of a year. Which really means it’s only a miniscule part of all the time that we can spend together.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to go?”

“I do want to go. I want to go really bad.” She sighed. “But I’ve got to get used to this, don’t I? Every time you pack up to go on tour, I can’t just call up the boss and be like ‘Hey I’ve gotta go on tour with my boyfriend so I won’t be able to work for the next few months’. He’ll probably tell me to suck his balls or something.”

I laughed at her. “I don’t think your boss would tell you to suck his balls.” I paused. “And besides that, I will call you every night to make sure you’re safe and sound. And I’ll jack off to the sexy sound of your voice.”

She reached up and smacked me on the chest. “Matt, quit being so disgusting.”

“Hey. Made you smile, didn’t I?”

She walked into the kitchen and pulled some bread out of the pantry, opening it up. “You tend to do that.”

“To make you smile?”

“Yes, Matt. You tend to make me smile.”

I propped myself up on the counter and stared at her. She was still wearing my sweats and my sweatshirt, they practically swallowed her. She was like a skeleton swimming in a sea of grey. I smiled as she opened up the fridge and got the jelly out. She put her bread in the toaster and changed the setting, then pushed it down and waited for it to cook.

She turned around and looked at me. “Did you ever think this would happen?”

“Did I ever think what would happen?”

“This.” She paused. “You and me. Sleeping in the same bed, holding hands with each other, making toast in the morning. I mean, did you ever think about me and you? Together?”

“Honestly?”

“No Matt, I’m asking you because I want you to lie to me.”

“Well in that case…” I laughed.

Then I stopped and thought about it, I really thought about it. Had I ever thought about me and Aspen? And then I realized, no I hadn’t. Even when she first moved in and Aly was talking about us being so cute around one another and how much I cared about her, I still didn’t think there would be an us. I was always intrigued by her in high school, and when we stopped talking, and she went missing, I thought about her a lot. I thought about what she was doing and if she had ever made something of herself, or found out who she was. But I had never actually thought there would be a relationship between us.

I jumped as the toaster popped and I channeled all my hearing on Aspen spreading jelly on her toast, the scraping noise as the knife went back and forth over the surface of the toast.

“So?” She asked. “Are you going to answer my question? Are you avoiding the question? Are you thinking of a way to put it so that you don’t sound like an asshole?” She paused, took a bite of her toast and chewed it halfway. “And don’t even think about lying because you’re not very good at it in the first place, and we’re in a relationship now, so you can’t lie to me.”

“Can I break up with you and lie to you and we can get back together?”

She shot me a look and took another bite of her toast. “Why don’t you just quit being such a pussy and tell me?”

“I’m not sure if you can handle it.”

“Matt!”

I laughed again. “Alright. Alright.” I paused. “I don’t know, I mean I thought about you a lot. I thought about you, but I didn’t really think about me and you.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why were you always thinking about me?”

“You were intriguing. I mean, you were always so quiet, and even when you were drunk, you weren’t obnoxious. You liked to talk a lot when you were drunk, but you would always hide yourself in the corner or go outside with someone and just sit there and talk.”

“Did I ever talk to you?”

I nodded. “A couple of times.”

“What the fuck did I talk about?”

I shrugged. “You talked a lot about your mom and about how you never really knew your dad. You talked a lot about feeling like you were alone and that no one was ever there to help you.” I paused. “But you would always say all of this and you would look up at me and just be like ‘Except you, Matt. You’re always there.’ And I never understood why you said that, because I did help you out a lot, but there wasn’t really anything that I did for you that might make you less lonely.”

“How come you never thought there would be a me and you?”

“Well first of all, you were in love with Sonny.”

She rolled her eyes and took another bite out of her toast. “Yeah, well. That wasn’t my fault, okay? I was never in love with Sonny until he started trying to be in love with me and then I started to be all in love with him.”

“I thought Sonny wanted nothing to do with you.”

“I figured that out about Sonny. That he wants something until it wants him back. He wanted me so bad and then when I started going for it, he totally backed off and just acted like I wasn’t even in existence. I don’t know if it was because he was scared or something else, but he did that a lot.”

I nodded. “He kind of did.”

“Second of all.”

“Huh?”

“You said first of all. You don’t just say that without having two reasons.”

“Oh, right.”

She walked over to me, still chewing on a piece of toast and stood in front of me, grinning softly. “So, tell me. What’s behind door number two?”

I sighed. “You were so wild and untamed, you did whatever the fuck you wanted to and I just kept thinking to myself, ‘I’m just here so that she doesn’t get drunk and fall and die or something.’ I don’t know, I had a really low self-esteem when I was a kid. I’ve always had a shitty self-esteem and being around someone as pretty as you were, it was hard to even think that I had the least bit of a chance.”

“Oh, whatever.”

“Seriously, though. I mean, did you ever think about me?”

“No, but I just thought a lot about myself. I was always trying to think of someone I knew that was throwing a party, trying to find a ride to school in the morning so that I could be counted as there and not lose my credits. I mean, I didn’t really think about anyone but myself. I learned to close myself off.”

“Who would’ve thought, right?”

“Who would’ve thought, about me and you?”

I nodded. “Pretty sure everyone in high school thought me and Sonny were butt pirates.” I laughed. “And I’m pretty sure that everyone thought you fucking died or something.”

“Dude, fuck high school. It’s full of corrupt staff members and a bunch of inbred fucks.” She smiled. “And if it counts for anything, just because I didn’t think there would ever be a me and you, that doesn’t make us any less special. I fucking love you Matt. And I’m going to miss the fuck out of you when you leave next week.”

“I know you are. I’m going to miss you too.”

And the more I thought about leaving Aspen, the less important money became to me. The less important music became to me. I just wanted to stay home and spend all my time with Aspen. Because she made me feel like ‘what if there wasn’t a tomorrow?’. Then what would I do? Sit around and wish that I’d spent more time with her. But I couldn’t just let my fear and anxiety rule my life, not after she’d spend so much time helping me get away from that. I had to go on tour and make some money, I had to do something worthwhile, to make her feel like her effort wasn’t a total waste of time. Not that she saw it as effort.

I just wanted her to be proud of me for something.