Love, Aspen

I laid in bed with my eyes wide open. Matt’s arms were wrapped securely around me, as they had been for the last few months. Usually they made me feel protected. Loved. Like I mattered. But tonight, they were making me uncomfortable and hot. I wanted him to get the fuck off of me. I put my hand under his nose to feel how light his breathing was and then I slid out from underneath him. I climbed out of bed and squinted in the dark to read the time on the clock. It was three in the morning. I ran my hand through my hair and walked out of the bedroom into the living room. I opened the back door quietly and stepped out onto the patio. I didn’t even bother to grab the cigarettes sitting on the table. Over the last few days, the smell of them made me sick to my stomach. They totally turned me off. And when Matt came in from smoking, I had to keep myself from cringing when he went to touch me, or gagging when he kissed me after smoking and not before brushing his teeth. But I couldn’t just push him away. I loved him.

I sighed and picked a piece of grass out of the ground. The wind blew just softly and I shivered. It was getting cold out. I hated it when nights were cold. Warm nights had always been my favorite, just sitting outside in the light breeze and letting it kiss my skin.

I rubbed the bottoms of my feet. I thought about Matt. And tears started rolling down my face like someone had turned the water faucet on. I was so distraught over him leaving that it was fucking killing me. I didn’t want him to leave. I knew that I could handle it on my own, but I didn’t want to. He had been around for the last few months and it was the best time of my fucking life. And with Cassie trying to get in my life again, I wasn’t sure I could handle him being gone.

But I wasn’t about to find myself a spot on their tour bus. That was probably the last thing I was thinking of doing. I wanted to run away. If I couldn’t be with Matt, I didn’t want to be with anybody. I didn’t want to be at our apartment where Cassie could come over. Where Aly could drop by to check on me. Where Andy could come over to make sure that I was still alive. I wanted to be completely alone. On a bus somewhere far fucking away. I didn’t want to deal with him being gone and I certainly didn’t want to deal with anyone wanting to help me deal with it.

I bit down on my lip and tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it was so fucking big. It was like this huge lump of loneliness. That’s what I was doing. I was trying to swallow loneliness. I was trying to swallow Matt leaving. And I couldn’t. I was choking and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t swallow the fact that he might not be there when I woke up in the morning. That he wouldn’t be there when I woke up from a fucking night mare. That I would have to reach over blindly for the light switch, if I even had the balls to turn it off in the first place.

I continued to cry until I started to get loud. And then I buried my face in my arms and stood up, stumbling to the door. I pushed it open and walked inside, locking it behind me. I maneuvered my way to the couch and continued to cry. I wiped my wet nose with my bare arm and tried to stand up, but I couldn’t move because I was shaking so bad. I saw the bedroom light flicker on out of the corner of my eye and I knew that I was caught. I wanted to die right then. I just wanted to die out of sheer embarrassment. As if I hadn’t already made enough of an idiot out of myself, here I was losing it again and Matt wasn’t even gone yet. How the fuck was he supposed to leave if I kept on bawling every time I thought about it? He would never leave.

“Aspen?” His voice croaked and he sat down next to me. “What’s going on?”

He pulled me into his arms and they were so warm. But they felt so fucking wrong. They felt like they weren’t supposed to be there. Like I didn’t deserve them. But that’s the only place I wanted to be in the whole entire world.

“I had a nightmare.”

“Why did you come out here?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up.”

He chuckled sleepily. “See how well that worked out, huh?”

I wiped my face on his shirt. I closed my eyes and begged myself to stop crying. I had to stop. I couldn’t keep crying.

“Sorry.”

He shrugged with me in his arms. I wanted to start bawling again. I sniffed and wiped my nose on my arm again. I sighed and stood up, stretching my arms up towards the ceiling. I did everything I could not to look at Matt, who was trying desperately to make some kind of eye contact with me. Any kind. I could feel him staring at my face and then at my body. I could feel him wanting to hold me, to make everything better. I knew he knew why I was crying. And I knew that he knew I was a fucking liar.

“Will you please tell me what’s going on, Aspen?”

I smiled an embarrassed smile and glanced down at him. “If you want me to be honest, I am upset that you are leaving. Cassie really fucked me around yesterday. I’m just feeling weird lately. And you were right, I started my period the other day, so I am just really emotional right now. That’s all that is wrong with me.” I paused. “You coming up with this leaving news right now had to be one of the worst possible times.” I laughed. “I know I am worrying you. And I’m sorry. But I just need to get my shit together lately. I am just really freaking out lately.”

He nodded. “That was a very good story, Aspen. But I don’t believe you.”

I glared down at him. “And what exactly do you think is going on with me?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s why I am trying to ask you. I am not going to accuse you of anything, because I know that you are a smarter than a lot of girls out there and you wouldn’t go and fuck something up that you enjoy.”

“What?”

“I’m just referring to the fact I accused you of cheating the other day. And I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hit such a touchy spot.”

“What does that have to do with anything we are talking about right now?”

“I don’t know, Aspen. You just seem like you are hiding something, that’s all. There. I said it. I think that you are fucking hiding something from me. That’s what I think. And I don’t know what the fuck it could be. Because you said you weren’t cheating on me, and I am going to believe you because I love you and I would hope that you love me as much as you say you do, because that’s going to keep you from cheating on me. I am just not sure what to think anymore. You have been really distant lately. And ever since I told you about the tour, you act like you don’t even want me touching you.” He paused. “Like you don’t even want my arms around you.”

“It’s hot.”

“You were complaining the other night about how it was cold outside.”

“It’s hot inside.”

“Aspen.”

“Matt.”

“Will you stop fucking me around?” He snapped. “Are you using?”

“Using what?”

“Don’t play fucking dumb with me!” His voice was raising now. He was upset. I could tell by the way that his voice shook with every single word. I could tell by the way that he wouldn’t break eye contact with me. And every time I looked back at his face, his eyes were burning into mine.

“No. I’m not using.”

“What the fuck are you hiding from me, then? Would you please just tell me? You are worrying me so bad. I can’t stop thinking about all of these horrible things that you are hiding and it’s terrifying.”

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“Yes you are.”

“No, Matt. I’m not. There is nothing that I know right now that you won’t know in the future.”

“So you’re just hiding it from me for now?”

I shook my head. “I told you I’m not hiding anything. I wouldn’t hide something from you. Especially if I thought you would want to know, or I could see how upset you are getting about this entire thing. I love you, Matt.” I walked over to the couch and straddled his knees, pulling him into me. I breathed in the soap on his neck and the faint smell of cigarettes in his hair. “I am sorry that you are so worried about me right now. But I promise that everything is okay. I love you and everything is perfect.”

“Even though I’m leaving?”

I bit back a sob and put my face in his neck. I nodded softly, my mouth opening and closing on his skin. “Even though you’re leaving.” I paused. “Because you’re going to be back. And once you’re back, everything will be okay.”

“Until I leave again.”

“It won’t be as bad next time.” I wrapped my hand around the back of his head, clutching his hair in my hand. “It won’t be half as bad.”

We sat there for a few minutes, me just grasping on to Matt like I was never going to see him again, and him just sitting on the couch, not understanding a thing that was going on. I stood up finally and reached out with a hand to grab his. I felt his fingers intertwine with me and we walked to bed together where we climbed in and he turned the other way. I draped my arm over his side and kissed his cheek.

“And I don’t want you to ever think I don’t want you touching me.” I paused. “The feeling of your skin on mine is the most comforting thing in the entire world and I don’t know what I would do without it there every night.”

And then I realized that I was going to have to figure out what it was like without him there every single night. I was going to have to figure that out in week or so. And I knew that. I knew that the entire time that I was lying with Matt. I knew that when I moved in with him I was going to have to deal with him being gone.

I felt his hand grip mine roughly. “Aspen will you make me a promise?”

“Depends on what it is.”

He sighed and held my hand tighter. “Just promise me, please. Just promise me that if something does happen while I am gone on tour, if something happens to you, that you will tell someone. That you will tell Andy or Aly. So that they can tell me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Will you just make me that promise, please?”

“Yes Matt. I promise.”

He sighed, like some big weight had just been lifted off his chest or something. “Thank you.”

“I don’t—“

He cut me off. “Just remember that I love you, Aspen. Remember that.”

“I love you too, Matt.”

“Yeah, but Aspen?”

“Yeah?”

“I really fucking love you, okay? Like, a lot.”