Love, Aspen

I clutched my bag to my shoulder and I walked on. I had my hood pulled up, covering my face and my hair. I kept checking behind me like some kind of paranoid drug addict. I thought Matt was following me. I could have sworn I’d seen Craig and every time a girl with blonde hair smiled softly at me, I knew it was Aly. My head was pounding. The worst fucking pounding in the world, like I was being smashed over the head with a hammer every step that I took. And I knew that if it was really happening I would deserve it for what I was doing. Because I knew that what I was doing was fucking wrong.

I knew that as I was walking towards the bus stop with only $150 bucks hidden in my pocket, I was fucked. I knew that I would get to the bus stop and I would have no idea where I was going. I was leaving behind the only place I belonged. I had absolutely nowhere to go but back to Matt. But I couldn’t do that right now. I was desperate enough to be somewhere else, desperate enough, that if I knew where Cassie lived, that’s where I would have been. Just to fuck the situation up a little bit more, because it seemed that’s all I was ever good at. All I had ever been accurate at. Was fucking up Matt’s life and ruining almost everything good for him.

I just couldn’t handle telling Matt what I had done. How bad I had fucked up. How I had been stupid enough to not protect against a fucking baby. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, if I get pregnant, it’s okay. Matt will take care of me. Matt takes care of everything. And I knew that he would. I was just as aware of Matt taking care of me as I was about the fact that I had absolutely no idea how to take care of a fucking child. But I didn’t think about that. I just thought about the fact that finally, someone treated me like they loved me, touched me like they wanted to, not just because I was there. And it felt good. And I couldn’t bear to make it less exciting with a condom. Or god forbid, go get some fucking birth control. But that’s what I do. I think about stuff after the fact. And that’s what’s gotten me into this mess. I didn’t think about a baby so now I’m pregnant. And I didn’t think about what to do when I found out, so I just ran off and here I am.

Walking down the fucking street with a pounding head ache and this fucked up stomach churning and absolutely nowhere to go but where I need to face my problems. And for fuck’s sake, I can’t handle it. Never could.

I stopped walking and leaned against a wall. The cold brick felt so good on my skin. It was hot and burning. My brow was dripping with sweat and my hands were shaking. I knew it was partly nicotine withdrawal. But the other part of me could feel the vomit rising in my throat. I looked around me before doubling over and proceeding to throw up the single piece of toast I had eaten this morning. I felt dizzy and my body wanted to fall to the side, but I gripped the brick wall with what I could and held myself up. Soon, I felt cold hands on my arm. A woman’s voice in my head.

And when I could see again, we were sitting on a bench together. She had one arm wrapped around my shoulders and was trying to guide a water bottle into my hand. She smelled like patchouli oil and old cigarettes. Her voice was smoky and soothing.

“Sweetheart,” she asked. “What’s your name?”

“Aspen.”

“Where are you going?”

And here’s where I lost it. I had thought I lost it with Matt. Gone insane. Cried until I couldn’t. But here. Here is where I really fucked up. Here is where I really lost it and spilled absolutely everything. Said everything I ever could have imagined saying.

“I don’t know!” I sobbed. “I’m pregnant so I left my boyfriend a note and then I left and he’s going on tour with his band. He’s leaving in the morning and I can’t be there. He’ll take care of the baby. But he can’t while he’s on tour and I don’t know if I can do it alone. I don’t know anything about babies. And so I was just going to leave. I was going to go somewhere. Catch a train. And it’s all so fucked up. I don’t know what I’m doing. I love him but I can’t be around him because I am so ashamed of what I’ve done. For getting messed up with Ryan, for burning down the playground. For talking about his dead dad when I didn’t know he was dead. For hurting him like I have. And I am doing so good. I have a job and I quit smoking so I could take care of this baby. But I don’t know how.” I stopped talking and looked up at the woman, who had big eyes. They were brown and they were tired and sad. “I just run from things I can’t handle and I thought that leaving would make this better. Like leaving Matt would just make it all go away. But you can’t make a fucking baby go away without killing it.” I cried and clutched her hand, took a sip of water. I looked off and quieted down. I was still sobbing. Crying so hard I couldn’t control the trembling of my mouth. “But I don’t want to kill it. I can’t kill this baby.”

The woman hugged me harder. “There’s nothing I can do for you.” She said softly. “The only thing I can tell you is that you must do what is right for your baby. Life is no longer about you. It’s about the child inside of you.” She pressed a twenty dollar bill my hand. “Please use that wisely. I don’t want my actions to be fruitless.”

And then she did something that I had never experienced in my life. She stood up in front of me and leaned down, kissed me on the forehead. With tears in her eyes she walked away. And she looked back and mouthed the words good luck.

I squeezed the twenty dollars tightly in my hand and remained sitting on the bench until I had finished the water bottle she had given me. I then got up and continued to walk further and further away from Matt’s apartment. I came up to a hole in the wall motel and walked inside, booking a room for one.

As I sat down in the middle of the old bed, I imagined all of the disgusting people who had once been here and I wondered if anyone had ever had the same problem as I was having. I had to make a change. I could no longer sit and let myself run from all of my problems, hurting whoever it was that stood in my way. Matt and I had come together as one for a reason. He had always been there for me. Regardless of the fact I had no one to call when I got out of jail, it was still important to me that I had called Matt.

He was the number one person in my life. The one person I ran to when everything was wrong. He had been since the day that I had met him. And for me to go running off like this when there was a problem this big happening was so typical of me.

And then I was stuck between going back and sobbing to him or simply staying where I was to furthermore prove my point that I was this scared little girl. I couldn’t drop my cover. I had to stay strong and stay on my own. I needed to find myself a place to go and a place to take care of my baby. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew Matt deserved to have a place in the baby’s life. And in mine. I owed him that much, at least. I didn’t even give him an explanation. Didn’t ask him what he thought. I didn’t even stop to think that maybe he might want to get rid of the little bastard child.

I scolded myself for calling it a bastard child. Never would it be that. Not if Matt was the father. Matt could take responsibility for things he had caused. And while this was my fault, he would make it his. Because my problems were his problems. They were our problems. And I knew that. I knew that before I had left. I knew all these things were in the back of my mind.

But when he had left and I had taken that test, I lost it. Never had I been pregnant or thought I’d been pregnant, but I just knew this time. I could tell. And I lost it. I grabbed all my shit and I ran out. I scribbled that note so fast, I wasn’t even sure if it was legible. I had to get out. I just couldn’t face him with that. Of all the times I had been so irresponsible, coming over to his house drunk, coming to his house high off my ass, calling him when I was finally out of jail. Out of all these things, I just couldn’t tell him the worst of all; that I was pregnant.

And this all had such a negative connotation to it. I didn’t even think about the fact that Matt might be excited about the fact that we were having a baby together, that maybe he would smile and go off on tour, playing his heart out and come back to me and be happier than ever.

Maybe this baby would save us. I knew that our relationship was deteriorating because I could do anything but push him away. I was protecting myself. I was being a selfish little bitch like always and keeping Matt from something that could potentially make him happy. And not only was that me, but it was this baby that we were about to have.

I sighed and rolled over on my side, yanking a t shirt out of my bag. I brought it up to my face and inhaled softly, breathing in Matt. Tears began rolling down my face instantly. And I was so tired, so emotionally distraught that I could hardly even breathe. I just continued to sob and I got louder and louder until I heard a pounding on the wall.

I could faintly hear someone telling me to shut the fuck up. So I stopped sobbing and I laid there. Simply the smell of Matt could comfort me and I held onto that shirt so tightly. And when I slept that night, I don’t know if I slept too hard to have a nightmare, or if I was holding onto the fact that everything would be okay with Matt in the morning.

But I slept like a baby.

And I had a dream. Not a nightmare. But a dream. And in my dream, all of these people were there. Matt and Aly and Craig. And Matt’s mom. And my mom. And Matt’s dad. And all the guys from DRUGS. And Andy was there. And I was sitting on the couch watching all of these lovely people and they were all so happy. And I was happy. I could feel happiness in me.

And through all the laughter and the excitement, I could hear the faint crying of a newborn baby. And for some reason, that comforted me.