Love, Aspen

I opened up my eyes to the sound of wind and honking cars coming through the window. I must have at some point, gotten up in the middle of the night to open the window. I rubbed my eyes and rolled over in the shitty, springy hotel bed and tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, tears spilled from them as I thought about Matt and how upset he must be.

I had promised myself so many times that I wouldn’t hurt Matt the way that Courtney did, and here I was, pushing him away for weeks and then just ducking out of his life after I had announced I was pregnant. He was leaving for tour and I announced my pregnancy and took off, like an asshole. All I could think about was that night that Matt told me his dad has passed, and how much he sobbed. And now, I assumed that is exactly how he was feeling now. Just hopeless and sad.

And now, what was I supposed to do? Do I call him? Do I go back to the apartment? I sat up and grabbed the clock on the bedside table, it read 1:43 in red letters. I sighed. Matt was gone. He’d left for tour already. There was no way that he was going to stay on account of me. He was probably so damn tired of being there for someone who couldn’t do a thing for him. I looked around the room I was staying in. Ugly, cracked walls. The sink in the corner was filthy from not being washed regularly. I stood up and rubbed my hands on my pants, as I had fallen asleep in yesterday’s clothes. I grabbed my things and stuffed Matt’s shirt in the bag I had brought with me. I looked around the room one more time to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything and put my hand on the cool metal of the door handle.

I walked out of the hotel and stood in front of the door. I looked right and then I looked left. Right, again. And then left. And I decided that I was going to stop running. I was done acting like life didn’t affect me. I was done acting like my mom being a piece of shit didn’t bother me. I was done with all this fake pretend bullshit. I was going to own up to what I did. I couldn’t own up to Matt right away. For a few reasons. One, because he wasn’t in town at the moment. Two, because I was an emotional wreck. Three, because I had to talk to someone else first.

So, I slung my bag across my body so my arm wouldn’t get sore and I headed left. Back towards Matt’s apartment. Back towards Craig and Aly’s house.

***

I sat on the couch with my face turned towards the hall closet; it was hot and sore from being smacked by Aly’s hurtful words. I hadn’t necessarily expected anything less. I deserved every last bit of what she had said to me and I sure as fuck didn’t disagree with anything. I guess I knew going there was going to result in some type of confrontation, I just didn’t know the extent of what I was getting myself into.

Aly sighed loudly after a minute of her not speaking. She grabbed a Bud Light off the counter and took three loud gulps, set it down on the counter, and wiped her mouth. I could feel her looking at me, but I didn’t dare peek up at her.

“You know, Aspen. I’ve spent a lot of time around Matt. I spent a lot of time around him when he was with Courtney. I spent a lot of time around him after he was with Courtney. I spent time with him when he was in between being nervous and trying to talk to girls. And then you came around,” she laughed slightly, “and it was like, before anyone even knew about you. Before anyone had any fucking idea he decided to take you in, he had already made up his mind. And he was excited. He was ready to help you fix yourself. Then, it turned into him having a crush on you.” She stopped, “I was scared for him because I was sure you were just using him and you were going to take off at some point, but then I really got to talking to you and I told myself, ‘this girl is good for him. She loves him. She won’t go anywhere’ and I don’t know if you’re just scared or what, but it’s like you spent the last few months piecing together Matt little by little and then you just destroy him again. And I don’t get it, I guess.”

She stopped speaking for a little while again, to drink some more of her beer. I was so stiff that any type of movement made it feel like my body was squeaking. I was shaking and my heart was pounding. I wanted to defend myself and apologize, but it almost seemed like there was no fucking point. I had really fucked up.

“Like you should have seen him, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Matt that upset. Craig and I made him stay here last night before they left because we were scared he was going to do something. I think he wanted to go look for you, but he had no idea where he was supposed to look. I don’t understand what you were trying to accomplish by leaving… Do you not want the baby? Because you should talk to Matt about that. It’s his baby too, Aspen. You can’t just take something like that away from someone who’s been so careful to love you.”

I bit my lip and my chin trembled. I looked at Aly and shook my head. “I don’t know what I want, Aly. I love Matt.” I paused, “I really really do. I care about him and I love him and I want to be with him, I don’t mind working and I don’t mind being broke. I just want him to be happy playing music if that’s what he wants. I’m scared about bringing a baby into things, because I don’t think I can take care of another human being. I’m just learning how to take care of myself.” I stopped and let out a few sobs and breathed in, “And I feel so stupid because I should have taken precautions, but I didn’t and now here I am. It’s not that I don’t want kids with Matt. I just don’t want them right now.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell Matt that?” She snapped at me. “Like seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? You drop a bomb like that on someone and then take off?”

“I didn’t know what to say!” I yelled, snot pouring from my nose, “I didn’t want to hurt Matt! I don’t want this baby! I am not ready for this baby! I want to get to know Matt, I want to work towards goals with Matt. I don’t want to bring a baby into this world that I can’t take care of!” I stopped and wiped my face, “Who knows if I can even stay sober! I’m fucking 18 years old! I don’t want this baby to end up like me! With some piece of shit mom who got knocked up and couldn’t put her life on hold. It’s pathetic!”

Once again, Aly fell silent. I stood up this time and put my hands in my hair, gripping the roots and trying to keep myself from sobbing. I was so mad at myself for doing this. I had created this huge mess and then let myself fall into old habits. I refused to continue doing this to myself and everyone around me. I walked over to the counter and stood on the other side of Aly, facing her.

“Look,” I said softly, “the reason I came here is because I woke up and the first thing I thought about was Matt. I thought about his face and how devastated he must look. I thought about him crying like that night he told me his dad died, only probably worse. I thought about him sleeping alone, nothing there for him to hold.” I started to cry, “I thought about how the last 5 years of my life, he’s always fucking been there for me. And I realized that if I have anything in this life, anything at all, it’s Matt. I owe Matt a face to face conversation about this. I owe Matt anything and everything.”

“Yeah you fucking do.”

I looked up at her, “I guess the reason I took off yesterday is because I didn’t want to tell Matt that I didn’t want to have the baby because I didn’t know what he would think or how he would feel towards me. And I know that’s so selfish of me to do, but I’m scared that if I tell him I don’t want the baby that he won’t want me. But if I go through with this, and have the baby, and I end up not being able to handle it, then what happens? I’ve ruined an innocent life because I was too selfish. It’s just a catch 22 no matter what I decide to do. The worst part about it is I put myself in this situation. On top of everything, this is my fault.”

Her eyes had finally warmed up to me at this point, as if me explaining the fact that I was scared of losing Matt made her come to a realization. She reached a hand across the counter and put it on top of mine. “I don’t think you could lose Matt at this point, Aspen. However, I do think that you owe him an explanation. And while you keeping this baby is solely your decision, I do think that you should listen to Matt and hear him out. You don’t know if he feels the same way you do and you don’t know if he would like you to keep the baby either. But you can’t just decide for him without asking. I think you owe him that much.”

I didn’t say anything. I sat down at the barstool underneath the counter and looked out on the back porch. The morning after I had told Andy everything resurfaced. I remember telling Matt on the back porch about how he’d fucked Kelsey and then he brought up me telling Andy about the playground and I remembered the hurt on his face. It was like he’d asked me how I could do that to him with his eyes. I remember walking away from him that morning, I was so fucking pissed off at him for not taking a pass at me. It was frustrating to me.

Weeks go by and all of a sudden, we’re in this carefree, loving relationship. It’s not perfect by any means, we fight and we make up. But the thing about it was, I had spent all this time looking for someone to love me and take care of me and listen to the things I had to say… And I had finally found him, and here I was, about to let him slip through my fingers because I was being selfish and naïve.

I looked at Aly again, this time she wasn’t angry with me. I think she was starting to understand the position that I was in. She was empathizing with me. Even though I had hurt one of her best friends. That’s the type of people I needed in my life. People who forgive and continue to love.

“I’m going to talk to him,” I said, “I promise. I just need to think of what to say—“

A buzzing cut off my sentence and Aly looked at her phone across the counter. A picture of Craig with his eyes crossed and tongue sticking out popped up and “Baby calling…” showed on the screen. Aly shot me a look, “you better start thinking.”

“Hey baby!” She answered the phone, “I miss you too! Where you guys at?”

She walked away from me with the phone pressed up against her ear, leaving me to panic and think of what I was going to say to Matt, even though he was already almost eight hours away.