Love, Aspen

We were onstage and the crowd was bouncing in waves. Kids of all ages, their hair sweaty, some crying, and they were just singing along. Most nights, my first show back from being on a break was the most amazing feeling in the world. My nerves were giddy and my heart was racing, I couldn’t stop smiling. But tonight, I was in a different place. I couldn’t seem to get excited about what we were doing. I was playing the notes and doing the stage moves with Craig like I was supposed to. I was putting on a smile, I was pretending to laugh. I was putting on a show. For better or worse, but that’s all I was doing.

Strumming the right notes, singing in the right key, and looking out into the crowd because that’s all I could do to keep my thoughts from eating me alive. I couldn’t help but wonder why every time something felt like it was going right, it had to go wrong all over again. It seemed like a cycle. As soon as things got good for me, the rug got ripped right out from underneath my feet and I was sinking back into this hole of depression that I just couldn’t claw my way out of.

Craig’s laughter pulled me out of my trance, “right, Matt?”

I looked over at him, not sure of what my response should be. I was swimming in a sea of negativity and barely had my head above water, I wasn’t listening to a damn thing that was happening. I was so inside my head, I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped playing.

He laughed again and looked out at the crowd, licked his lips and turned back to me, “I said, we’re gonna blow the roof right off this damn place, tonight!”

I played a few squealing notes on my guitar and yelled into the mic, “Fuck yeah!”

Craig smiled softly at me, because he knew what I was dealing with. We hadn’t told anyone else in the band yet, because I couldn’t bear to face them. I knew what everyone thought of my decision before I made it and I didn’t want to defend myself or Aspen at this point. I didn’t want to hear about what a piece of shit everyone knew she was before we started dating. I just wanted to get away from all of this. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything unless it was Aspen. But I was there, and I was going to go through the motions.

Craig tripped before beginning the next song and laughed, “that really hurt!” He yelled, “but the show must go on!”

And he was right, the show must go on. Life must go on. I had to move on.

***

Hours later, the show was over and we were outside the tour bus, bullshitting and drinking beer with a few fans. Everyone was pretty mellow tonight, considering the first show of the tour. I glanced over at Craig who was buried deep in his phone. It was unnecessarily close to his face, which meant that Aly was probably sending him some dirty photos that he didn’t want anyone else to see. I smiled to myself sadly. I was really happy for Craig and Aly, I just hated being so miserable. They were good people and they deserved to be happy with one another. I hated the fact that I kept getting stuck with girls who didn’t give a shit about me.

I downed another beer and Nick walked up to me with a joint in his hand. He pushed it towards me and made a face, “I thought you could use this.” He paused, “I know I’ve been a major cock lately… and I just wanted to say sorry. I’ve been going through some shit.”

I nodded and accepted his apology silently but lighting the joint and taking a long pull. The weed burned my throat and I let out a long trail of smoke, followed by an even longer trail of coughs. Craig came up behind me and laughed, “hey bud, it’s been a minute since you smoked, huh?”

I laughed slightly and nodded, wiping my watering eyes. I took another long drag and let it out slower this time. It scratched my throat, but I was able to keep myself from coughing. Most of the fans had wandered off by now, and it was just a few of us left. The other guys turned in while Nick was now passed out in his lawn chair, mouth wide open, head against the bus.

I nodded at him, “you think we should just leave him like that?”

“I don’t see why not.” Craig shrugged. “Next show is just a city over. Might as well leave him and let the mosquitos get him.”

I laughed, “dude, it’s October. There aren’t any mosquitos.”

“Fair enough.” He sighed.

We were both quiet for a minute. I finished off my joint and tossed the little piece on the floor. I grabbed another beer and cracked it open. My eyes were starting to itch and my head was starting to feel pretty light. This was the feeling I wanted back so bad for the last few hours. Just to feel so light that I didn’t have any care in the world.

I opened my mouth to talk but then shut it again. Craig looked over at me because he had noticed me trying to speak. He gave me a look and waited for my response. He knew what I was about to talk about. He didn’t want to push me, which I was grateful for. I felt like there wasn’t anything I hadn’t already said about the whole thing anyways.

I ran a hand through my sweaty hair and grunted, spitting on the ground. I smashed it into the dirt with the tip of my shoe. “I’m so far away.” I said. “I am so far away from this entire thing… I don’t know what to do.”

He put a hand on my shoulder, “I was hoping maybe she would have called you.” He paused and took a swig of beer, “Aly spoke to me earlier….” He trailed off, “she is really upset about the whole thing. She thinks that Aspen is scared to talk to you about the pregnancy.”

“I don’t know why.” I said quietly, the weed really getting to me now, “I would love to have a baby with her. I mean, yeah it would be hard and it’s not something I would have decided to do right now, but it’s happening and I’m willing to take it on.”

He was quiet for almost a minute, opened his mouth to speak and then shook his head. “I just don’t think that you guys are at the same place in life.”

“Well no shit, Craig.” I snapped.

“No, I mean like, I don’t think she is ready to own up and take care of the baby.” He stopped and corrected himself, “not to say that the only way she can own up is by keeping the baby. I just don’t think she wants to keep the baby.”

He looked up at me with worry in his eyes, but he didn’t say anything else. He was letting it soak in until I understood what he had just said to me.

“How would you know that?”

Craig looked the other way and shook his head, “I mean, why else would she take off? You said so yourself, what if she comes back and she’s not even pregnant anymore.”

I nodded, sighed again, ran my hands through my hair again. “I mean, I can understand why she wouldn’t want to keep it.” I paused and lit a cigarette. “I almost don’t blame her.” I stopped again, “but I’m sure going through that can be pretty fuckin’ traumatic. She can’t do it by herself.”

“I’m sure Aly would go with her.” Craig offered.

“Yeah, I’m sure she would. But that’s something I should be there for. I should be there for her in a situation like that.” He stopped. “Do you think she wouldn’t want the baby because she doesn’t want to be with me?”

“No.” He said quickly, “I think Aspen loves you. I just think she’s young and she’s probably not ready for a baby. I mean, she just got out of jail, she’s still recovering from a lot of that trauma. I don’t know if she’s really mentally stable enough to take care of baby. Especially when she’s going to be doing it by herself for the most part and you’re off on tour every few months, you know?” He stopped. “Aly and I have thought about having kids a few times, but it’s something where I would like to wait until I’m done touring to do.”

I laughed slightly, “so we’re just supposed to stop touring one day and decide we’re gonna buy a house and be suburbians?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Craig retorted. “I would like to stop touring in 5 or 6 years and start a family. Maybe be home for a few years and then head out. Maybe find a way so that Aly and the kid can come hang out on tour for a while. It’s a work in progress. All I know is it’s not something that we are ready for right now.” He stopped, “and there’s nothing wrong with that. You guys will just have to make the decision that’s right for you and then take precautions in the future.”

I swallowed the rest of my beer in a couple gulps and reached for yet another one from the cooler. My head was starting to droop a little, but I could get one more beer in. I didn’t say anything to Craig because I wasn’t really sure what to say to him. I felt that way a lot lately, like I had so many things to say, but just didn’t know how.

All I knew was that I wanted to be with Aspen and as much as I hated the idea of her getting an abortion or even adopting the baby out, I still wanted to do what was best for our relationship. It felt wrong and selfish to not want what we had created together… but I also felt like the best option at the time.

I was not in the best state of mind to think about it at the time, but I just wanted to be at home with Aspen. I had taken the phone we’d shared, so there was no way for me to contact her. But, I pulled the phone out anyways and looked through our pictures together. Some of her, naked on the bed, her breasts exposed, looking away. The same pose in the next picture, but her looking at me and realizing I had taken a photo.

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and ran hot down my face. Craig had left me a few minutes ago and gone to bed. Nick managed to wake himself up and move from the lawn chair inside. I was the only one outside still and I was starting to shiver. I looked up at the sky and for the first time in a long time, I told my dad I missed him and I loved him.

Then, I picked up my phone and drunkenly sent a text to Aly.

Plz take car of Aspen. I know u r mad at her but I really live her and want her tobe ok. See if u can fine her, will call tomorr. Miss you

I jammed my phone back in my pocket and made my way into the bus. I found the first available spot for sleeping and laid down, closing my eyes. The alcohol and weed put me to sleep but in the middle of the night, I woke up to my phone ringing relentlessly and one of the guys telling me to shut the fucking thing off.