Love, Aspen

I sat on my couch with my hands folded in my lap. I was staring straight ahead at the TV. It was turned off and there was dust covering the screen, turning it an ugly grey color. My blinds were closed and I had a cigarette smoldering on my coffee table. My mom was always bitching about what a wonder that I was scrambling to pay for my phone bill every month but I sure as fuck always had some cigarettes with me. I unfolded my hands and took the smoke in my hands, taking a long pull on it before watching the grey cloud drift away from my mouth. I checked the clock. I estimated about fifteen minutes before my door was busted down and I was dragged away by my ankles to Craig’s stupid party. They’d called and told me to show up and I’d done everything but told them to fuck off. I was told to be there at 5. It was now 5:45, which gave the guys reason to come over here and make sure I was going to be there.

I set the cigarette down in the ash tray again and sighed loudly, leaning back against the couch. I heard a light knock at the door and as if he already knew I wasn’t going to get off my ass and get the door, Nick twisted the knob and came in. He sat down on the arm of the couch and was quiet for a moment. I could feel him looking at me, but I did my best to ignore him hoping that maybe he’d disappear or something.

“Matt, you’re really not going to come?”

I nodded.

“Come on dude. You can’t sit around here like this all the time.” He picked up my ashtray and put the cigarette out. “Get up. Get dressed. Just come and hang out for a little while. You don’t have to get drunk and you don’t have to stay all night.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You can’t sit around like this all the time.” He repeated.

“Like what?” I mumbled, pretending to be oblivious.

“God damn it!” He said loudly. “You know what!”

“I don’t want to go to that stupid party. I get sick of watching everyone puke their brains out and then being forced to stay there until I have a ride home, Nick. It’s fucking pointless.”

“Bullshit Matt. You can’t sit in this god damn apartment with all the blinds closed, the lights off, wearing the same clothes for weeks and smoking a whole pack of cigarettes every fucking day!” He yelled. “Courtney was a bitch, okay? She ruined your fucking life, I know that. But get off your ass and get the fuck over it, Matt. I’ll be in the fucking car.”

I kept my head down as I heard his footsteps cross the carpet and the door slam after him. I waited only a few seconds before standing up and heading to my room. Of course they’d send Nick. Nick was an asshole and he got what he wanted by being one. Craig would have eventually left me alone and went back to the party because he would have felt bad for forcing me to do something I didn’t want to. But not Nick, he could give a fuck.

I pulled on some clean pants and a grabbed a t shirt. I sprayed myself with some air freshener and grabbed my pack of cigarettes before walking out of my front door. I got in the passenger’s seat of Nick’s car and closed the door softly to show him he’d won. The whole ride to Craig’s place was quiet, only the soft hum of the radio sounded in the speakers. We got out of the car and went inside Craig’s house. Aly was the first to greet me. She gave me a big hug and put a drink in my hand.

I smiled at her and said thanks before cracking open the can of Pepsi and taking a long drink from it. Craig’s parties were never off the hook or completely chaotic. He and Aly liked to throw small parties, but Adam and Nick always managed to invite a bunch of idiots and then the parties got slightly out of hand. Aaron never managed to show up at any of them. It looked like tonight things weren’t necessarily heading that way just yet. I set my drink down on the counter and walked outside for a cigarette. I cupped my hands around the flame to light my smoke and held it up to my mouth, lighting it. As I inhaled and turned to look inside, someone familiar caught my eye.

It was the girl with the dog. She was dressed a lot differently. Her hair was still waved down her back and hanging loosely at her sides. But instead of a cotton dress with pink flowers on it, she had on a pair of jeans that were so tight, it was a miracle they hadn’t split at the seams. Her size B boobs were peeking out from her green tank top and she was wearing a little leather jacket over the top. I stared at her until she turned around and looked in my direction. I shoved my cigarette in my mouth and turned away from her, hoping she hadn’t seen me staring at her.

I walked inside a few minutes later and walked over to Aly. She always knew most of the people at their parties and if she didn’t know them, Nick or Adam usually did.

“Hey.” I said, poking her with my elbow.

She laughed and shoved me back. “Hey.”

“Where’s Craig?”

“I think he’s in the band room showing off his voice.”

I nodded. “That’s cool.”

She was quiet for a moment. She turned to look at me the same moment that I turned to ask her about Kelsey. “Are you okay Matt?”

“Yeah…” I said, looking at her strangely.

She laughed at me. “No Matt. I mean, are you okay? Like, are you doing better since, you know…”

I nodded stiffly. “I’m fine Aly.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“I am.” I said quietly.

I never was stern or snappy towards Aly. It just wasn’t a way I had ever acted towards her—or anyone for that matter.

“You don’t sound convincing Matt. Craig’s worried about you.” She paused. “I know what you’re going through and I know it’s tough. I know it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do to make anything better. But you have to try Matt.”

I shook my head. “I can’t anymore Al. I just feel like shit won’t ever get better, you know?”

She nodded. She knew.

“I’m sorry.” She said quietly.

“For what?”

“I just wish I could do something for you.”

“Yeah.” I said. “So do I.”

We both stood next to each other awkwardly until Kelsey walked over.

“Aly!” She said, her voice loud and obnoxious. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Aly smiled, hugging her back. “And you?”

“I’m good.” She laughed. “Really good.”

“This is Matt.” Aly said quickly, pulling away from Kelsey.

“Hi.” She laughed. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” I said quietly. “How’s your dog?”

“Good. Good. He uh, he hasn’t ran out on me in a while!”

“Well, that’s good.” I said, for lack of a better word.

It seemed ‘good’ was the god damn word of the week at that moment. You would’ve thought we were a bunch of third graders describing the teacher’s cupcakes.

Aly looked from me to Kelsey in slight confusion. “Do you guys know each other?”

“Oh.” Kelsey giggled. “My dog ran out and Matt grabbed him for me.”

“He just ran up to me.” I said quietly.

“Well. I’ll be right back.” Aly smiled, winking at me. “Gotta go find Craig.”

I could feel the look of desperation on my face as she walked away from us, leaving me alone with Kelsey. It was one thing to give this girl her dog back, but to stand there and try talking to her? Complete humiliation.

“So, how do you know Aly?”

“I’m in Craig’s band.”

“Drugs?” She asked, cocking her head.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be in band.”

Instead of initiating conversation and asking ‘why?’ I merely shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well I am.”

“What do you do?”

I looked at her stupidly, like I had no idea what she was talking about.

“Like in the band?” She asked. “What do you play?”

“Guitar. And I sing a little bit.”

She stopped sipping her drink and said loudly, “Oh my God! You sing?”

“A little bit.”

“That’s so cool. Sing right now.”

I shook my head. “Um, Craig’s got some recordings if you want to listen to them.”

“Oh come on.” She smiled, touching my chest softly. “Just sing one line for me.”

“I don’t want to.” I laughed nervously.

“Please?” She asked, smiling with a closed mouth and squeezing my shoulder. “I bet you’ve got an amazing voice.”

I shook her hand off and walked away. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

As I walked away from her, I felt my face turning an embarrassing shade of red. I had just managed to make a complete ass out of myself in front of a cute girl. And it wasn’t because I was lying and I couldn’t sing. It was because I was a nervous little fuck and I couldn’t calm down long enough to even have a conversation with some girl.

I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, not bothering to turn the light on. I leaned my face against the mirror and sighed loudly. I knew it was a stupid idea to come to this party, but I had only been here for about twenty minutes, I couldn’t just run off now without pissing someone off. I stood in the bathroom for a few more minutes, trying to calm myself down. I had made a complete ass out of myself in front of Kelsey, just because I was a nervous wreck. And now I had to go back out there and act like I wasn’t having a shit time.

I opened the door and walked back into the kitchen. Kelsey had left the kitchen and was probably off with some guy that wasn’t a complete mess. But, standing there was Aly with a sly smirk on her face. I walked up to her and nodded my head at her, laughing.

“What’d you say to Kels?”

“Nothing.”

“You must’ve pissed her off.”

“Just told her I had to go to the bathroom.” I paused. “How’d I piss her off?”

“Well I think she is interested and you kind of blew her off.”

“Yeah right Aly.”

“I’m serious. Go ask her out.”

I laughed out loud. “No thanks.”

“Come on Matt, I’m serious. You guys even live by each other. Just ask her. What harm could it do?”

I looked at her skeptically, “Aly I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

She laughed at me, “I always have great ideas. Look, there she is!” She had both her hands pressed to my back and shoved me forward, right in Kelsey’s way.

“Hey.” I said nervously, too close to her for either of us to be comfortable.

“Hey.” She paused. “You all right?”

I nodded. “Just felt sick for a moment.”

“Well I’m glad you’re okay.”

She started to walk away from me, but I grabbed her softly by the elbow. “I was wondering if you’d like to hang out some time?” I asked quickly. “Like go to the movies or out to dinner?”

She smiled softly and looked at me. “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but I just don’t think we would work out very well. You just seem—“

“Yeah, I get it.”

“I’m sorry Matt, I just—“

“Yeah, you know what? Don’t even worry about it. It’s cool.” I said quietly, walking away from her.

I walked back into the kitchen, grabbing another Pepsi out of the fridge and leaning against the counter next to Aly.

“Great fucking idea, Al.” I laughed bitterly, to show her I wasn’t mad.

“Figured it was worth a shot, Kelsey would fuck anyone.” She laughed slightly.

“Yeah,” I said, taking a drink from my soda and lowering it. “Anyone but me.”

“Oh shut up.”

"The next time her dog runs out, I'm keeping it." I said.

Aly laughed loudly, hitting me on the arm. "Matt!"

I laughed for a moment. We were both quiet for a while.

“I just wish that I could forget about Courtney. She’s the problem behind all this nervous bullshit.” I paused. “I was never good enough for her, so I just feel like I’m not going to be good enough for anyone.”

She looked at me sideways, a concerned expression on her face. “Matt. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re good enough for anyone, she wasn’t good enough for you.”

I shrugged. “It’s just hard to forget her.”

She took a sip of her drink and smiled at me. “In order to forget something, you’ve just got to find something else to occupy yourself.”