Love, Aspen

I woke up to the guys shuffling around the bus and quietly trying to get some breakfast before heading out the door for whatever it is they were doing. I could sense some tension and empathetic embarrassment coming from all of them—I assumed they had heard my conversation in the middle of the night, as the ringing phone had woken everyone up. I pretended to be asleep until everyone left, because let’s face it—I was completely embarrassed and I was too hung over and too tired to pretend I wasn’t.

Once they all got off the bus, I sat up in my bunk, not all the way of course because the ceiling was two fucking inches away from my face it seemed like. I jumped down and grabbed a clean set of clothes. I found my way to the bathroom and locked the door. I started up the shower and stepped in moments later, trying to get my 4 minutes of hot water, which was all the water tank allowed.

Afterwards, I dried off and got dressed. I found myself outside with a cigarette in my mouth. I joined a conversation everyone was having about the weather in Salt Lake and the weird homeless people that littered the streets. We talked about going out and getting lunch and Craig shot me a few glances, but no one asked about my 3 AM wake up call and the quiet sobs that put me back to sleep. Which was honestly, a relief.

***

We were up onstage again that night, my guitar in my hands. I had spent all day hoping to hear from Aspen. I had texted Aly to let her know that I wanted Aspen to call me if she could, but I never heard anything. I also sent another text a few hours later that explained that I wasn’t mad at her and I loved her and just wanted to be there for her.

Once again, nothing.

However, Aly had been speaking to Craig for most of the day. So I wasn’t sure what to do. It was bad enough my self-loathing and pathetic words had to be transmitted through Aly; now Craig was probably hearing everything that I was trying to get across to Aspen.

However, I managed to go through the motions for the second night in a row without a hitch. I didn’t fuck up; I followed every rule of being up on stage. Up until we launched into “My Swagger Has A First Name”

You see, as I was onstage, playing the notes and singing along, my eyes scanned the crowd. I was searching for singing, smiling faces to remind why I was doing what I was doing instead of sulking around in a puddle of my own piss. And that’s when I saw her. A girl who looked just like Aspen. A girl with shitty dyed red hair, a small frame, and a way too big t-shirt on. She looked jet lagged and tired, but she had a beautiful look in her eyes and a grin stretched across her face. I looked harder, and as soon as she realized I was starting at her, her smile faltered. That’s when I realized who I was looking at. And that’s when I stopped smiling, stopped singing, stopped playing. And stared.

***

I followed Aspen who was walking briskly away from the rest of the band, away from Craig and Aly, and away from me. I stuffed a cigarette in my mouth and lit it, picking up my pace. She hadn’t said a fucking word to me. We’d walked off the stage after I’d seen her, as it was our last song anyways. Craig was bewildered at the way I was acting, trying to explain to me that there was no way Aspen was here, because he knew she was with Aly and Aly hadn’t said a damn thing about coming to Salt Lake.

But hey, imagine his surprise when they were both standing in front of the bus after the show. It was at that point that Aspen waved softly to Craig and then nodded at me and walked away.

Which she was still doing, by the way. We’d made it off the property by now and were across the street, walking next to some sketchy ass buildings. I didn’t know when she was going to stop and I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to say when she did, so I let her continue until she was ready. I wasn’t sure if I was furious, ecstatic or just confused. She couldn’t talk to me on the phone, but she wanted to face me? What the fuck was that?

She stopped so abruptly that I almost collided into her with my still burning cigarette. She turned around, her face red from the cold and her eyes swollen from the tears that had been pouring out of them the entire time we’d been walking. She opened her mouth to speak, but only a tortured sob came out as she crashed into my chest. I instantly dropped my cigarette and my arms went around her like it was the only thing they knew how to do. I clutched her tightly in my arms and breathed in the top of her head.

I guided her to a bench where we sat down awkwardly. After a few minutes, she was able to collect herself. We still hadn’t said a word to one another. She was focused on picking at the hem of her light jacket. She did it with such ferocity, I wasn’t sure if she was angry with me or just didn’t know how to begin conversation.

I decided to take the situation into my hands, “Aspen. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about something like this… I know I’ve been insanely busy with the band lately, and I should have paid more attention to you. I don’t know why I didn’t realize what was going on… the emotions, you quitting smoking,” I said these things out loud, realizing what an imbecile I’d been the last month or so, “I just, I don’t know, I guess I was so wrapped up in the album and the tour that I wasn’t really paying attention to you.”

She was quiet for a long time and then managed to croak out a few words, “you don’t always have to apologize for everything, Matt. I should have let you in on what was going on. I guess I just didn’t know what was going on, considering the fact I’ve never been pregnant before. I didn’t mean to just take off—I didn’t really know what the fuck to do…”

She trailed off, beginning to sob again. She was twisting the hem of her jacket in both of her trembling hands, snot dripped from her nose onto her chest.

“God…” I ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my face. “I wish I knew what to say to you. But I don’t. This is such a big fucking deal and there’s just not really anything for me to say… I mean, what do you want to come out of this, Aspen?”

“Out of what?”

“I mean, are you wanting to keep the baby? Are you wanting to adopt the baby out?” I paused, placing a hand on her knee, “I want you to know that I will support you, no matter your decision. This is both of us that made this mistake. We should have protected ourselves better.”

She finally looked at me now. Her eyes shone underneath the streetlight. I placed my palms on either side of her face and used my thumbs to wipe away her tears. New ones replaced the ones I wiped away as she thought about what I had said. I watched as her eyes diverted back to the ground.

She whispered softly, “I’ve been thinking.” She paused, “and I want to be with you, I want to make something of myself. I want to get my life straightened out. I want you to continue doing what you love, but I want to do something I love too.” She stopped to cry, “and as selfish as it is… I just don’t think being a mom right now is the best decision for me.”

She choked on her own words and buried her face in my chest again. I rubbed her back with one hand and clutched her head tightly to my chest with the other. My heart broke as the words tumbled out of her mouth, but I almost expected it. She was right, in a way. At some point, we had to decide what was best for all involved.

“Aspen, babe.” I rocked her back and forth.

“I just feel so fuckin’ selfish and stupid!” She yelped, “I mean, come the fuck on! But what other choice do I have? If I’m not ready, I shouldn’t go through with any of this, right?”

She was sitting up again and looking at me. She was asking me for guidance and advice, like she always had. As I looked down at her in the lights from the streets, I could see how stress and sadness had given her face a hardened look. But tonight, those hardened features had softened and she was lost. She’d always been lost, but I think the difference between before and now was the fact that she’d pretended to have it all together. Here she was, baring herself to me, admitting fault, and asking for my help.

“Fuck, Aspen, I—“

She cut me off, which was okay. Because truth be told, I didn’t know what I was about to say. I probably felt the same way she did. I felt wrong, letting her go into a clinic and essentially get rid of what we’d made. But, I also understood where she was coming from in the sense that she wanted to make something of herself. And who knew if I was ready for that type of responsibility anyways?

“I just, I’m sorry, Matt. I never even asked you if this was something you wanted. I didn’t even say sorry for taking off. I haven’t asked how you feel at all.” She rambled on, “I’ve felt really alone these last two days. I went and stayed in that dingy piece of shit motel and it was horrible… and I thought to myself that night, I remembered having a dream about a baby and I thought to myself in the morning, maybe we can keep this baby, maybe Matt and I can work this out.” She stopped and was quiet for a minute or so, “but then I realized I’m still just a kid. I mean for fuck’s sake, I’m 18 in a couple weeks. I can’t possibly take care of a baby. I work at a video store and my boyfriend tours every few months.”

I smiled at her. Not because of the things she was saying, but because in that moment, in the street light, despite the predicament we’d found ourselves in, Aspen was finally thinking about her future and thinking about how she was going to get through the next few months.

“Aspen,” I said, again, my hand intertwined with hers, my eyes locked onto her’s, “I want you to do what’s best for you. It sounds like you’re leaning more towards the hardest option,” I chose my words carefully, because abortion seemed like a hard word for her to hear. “I want to be with you and I want to build with you and grow with you. That’s what I’ve wanted to do for the last few months, and if you feel like this is something that is going to stop that from happening, then let’s make the decision we need to.” I paused and pushed hair out of her face with my free hand as tears began to flow freely from her eyes again. “I know that it’s probably the hardest fucking thing you’re going to have to do in a long time. It may seem selfish, but if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. We’ll make this decision together, and then we will make an active decision for birth control so that we don’t run into this again.”

She nodded up at me, her bottom lip trembled, a signal there was a sob threatening to come from out of her mouth. She once again, leaned into me and her body shook with sobs. “I feel awful, Matt.”

“I know, baby.” I rubbed her shuddering back, “I know you do.” Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes as well, “this is not easy for me either.”

I didn’t have much else to say, because, truth be told, part of me was relieved that she had made the decision she did. It’s a tough place to be, because it’s not something that you really think about doing until you’re in that position. In all honestly, Aspen could have made whatever decision she wanted to and I would have stuck beside her, because my love for her was absolutely seamless and there was no end to it.

“I love you.” She shuddered between sobs.

I rocked her back and forth, “I love you more than you’ll ever understand, Aspen.”

“I’m really scared, Matt.” She said softly, “I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared of anything in my life.”

I clutched her tightly to me. “You can be afraid all you want, as long as in the end, you face your fears.”

And with that, she sealed my words with a kiss. Despite what had happened in the last 72 hours, things felt like they would eventually be okay. Instead of locking fingers and standing up, Aspen and I remained on the bench and leaned into one another, hoping to get enough of the other until next time. The thought of us leaving the next morning ignorantly filled my thoughts, but I did my best to dismiss it.