Love, Aspen
See Ya
It was just after 11 AM and we’d given sloppy good byes to the guys—Matt’s and I’s more sloppier than Craig and Aly’s, considering it was technically the first one ever for us. I was shaking as I got back into the car with Aly. I didn’t want to go through with what I was about to do, but it seemed I had no other choice for my future. Adoption had gone through my mind over and over again, but, as selfish as it may sound, carrying a baby just to get rid of was seriously going to mess with my mental state and I just didn’t feel like it was going to be the best idea.
I glanced over at Aly, who had one hand on the steering wheel and had placed the other one over my hand, trying to comfort me. I sighed raggedly, on the verge of tears.
“There are so many women out there who can’t have babies and I’m going to get an abortion.” I stated.
Aly was quiet for a long time. Because she was thinking or because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset me even further, I wasn’t entirely sure.
“Aspen, I’m going to be completely honest with you. There is nothing that I’m going to say or that Matt is going to say or anyone is going to say that’s going to make you feel better about your decision. The only thing that will make you feel better is if and when you decide to have a baby, you will thank yourself over and over again that you waited until you were ready. I can’t necessarily empathize with you because I don’t know how you’re feeling—“ She glanced over at me, “I can only imagine and I’m sure it’s the toughest spot you’ve ever been in.”
I tightened my grip on her hand and leaned my head against the cool glass of the car window as she sped up to get on the freeway. Somewhere in between Ogden and Salt Lake, I had fallen asleep.
***
I tossed and turned in mine and Matt’s bed with as my stomach was burdened wth cramps. It had been a few days since Aly and I had gotten back from Salt Lake. She had given me a ride to Planned Parenthood and sat with me through my appointment. After some testing, the doctor informed me that I was in my eighth week and I was still able to use a gentler method. Basically, I would take a medication that would stop the baby from growing and essentially, I would miscarry.
After a lot of convincing, Aly dropped me off at the apartment with a cellphone that had some prepaid calling and texting. I honestly wanted to be with Matt during the entire thing, but I knew that wasn’t a possibility. I didn’t want to burden Aly anymore, so I was at the apartment, trying to busy myself with other things to do. I had taken the next few days off from the video store, but had also began to look for a second job to occupy myself while Matt was away.
I was trying to find ten million other things to occupy myself with. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think about right now was how horrible I felt. Physically and emotionally. Even mentally, I wasn’t feeling all that great. I pulled out the prepaid phone and glanced at the screen. It was 1 in the afternoon. I debated calling Aly or Andy to see if they wanted to do something. I only thought about it for a minute or two until I changed my mind.
I did decide to shoot Matt a text though. I figured they were headed to the next city.
I miss you
He responded pretty quickly I miss you more
I smiled to myself a little bit. If anyone could make me feel better about a shitty decision, it was Matt. I felt a sudden urge to text him the longest thing I’d ever texted, but decided against it and called him instead.
He answered the phone with a smile behind his voice, “hey baby. What’s up?”
I sighed, “I don’t know. I took those pills and I just don’t feel very good. I wish you were here with me. I feel so awful. Not just the cramps, but everything else. I just feel like I really screwed up, you know?” I paused, “I know that this is what we decided together and I don’t think I’m changing my mind, but I just feel guilty.”
“I know you feel bad, Aspen.” He said softly, “I so wish I could be there for you. I would be if I could.”
“I know.”
“Do you remember when I came to pick you up from jail?” He asked suddenly.
I was kind of taken aback. “Yeah, I do.”
“I walked to the jail that day, and the whole way there I was like arguing with myself. I kept telling myself, ‘Matt, you just need to turn around and worry about yourself.’ I was like walking into a fire.” He laughed a little bit, “the whole way there, I could remember all the times you and I had gotten fucked up together and just hung out and nothing ever really came of it. Because I guess what I was most scared of was ending up in another relationship. But then you and I fell together in this totally weird way, and it’s like… we’re kind of in this fucked up place right now, but I have a feeling you’re on your way to where you need to be and so am I. And I honesty believe it’s because we have each other…”
He trailed of and I took initiative to pick up the conversation, “you mean you never thought about having sex with me?”
“That’s all you got out of that?” He scoffed.
“I mean…” I laughed, “you know I got more, but I don’t feel sappy enough to address it right now.”
“Fair enough.” I paused, “I did think about having sex with you, for the record. Like once or twice, especially after I found out that you hadn’t slept with Sonny.”
I rolled my eyes, “Matt, you’re such a pervert.”
“Well yeah,” he laughed again, “of course, only around you.”
I bit my lip at the thought of his slightly crooked smile. I wanted him so bad at that moment. And not just to fuck. I just wanted his arms around me and his stomach pressed up against my back. I never felt better when he was up against me like that. The phone line went quiet and I could hear chatter in the background.
“Well,” I sighed loudly, “I should probably let you go. I don’t want to keep you on the phone the whole time you guys are driving.”
“I wish I could be there for you.”
“I know you do, and it’s the thought that counts. You’ll be home in less than three months and counting…” I trailed off, “I think I’m going to look for another job.”
“You don’t like the video store?”
“No, I mean so I have two. That way I’ll stay busy and save some money. I want to start a business, I’ve been thinking.”
“What kind of business?” He asked.
“I have no fucking idea.” I mused, “but I mean I’m sure we could think of something together.”
“A recording studio would be cool.”
“That would be cool.”
“Or,” he said, “we could save up for a wedding. You could be named Mrs. Good.”
“I know you did not just propose to me hundreds of miles away over the phone, Matt.” I let out a breath, “I won’t say no because I love you, but you have to ask me again in person.”
“Who says I did?”
I rolled my eyes, “okay, I’m getting off the phone with you now. I have cramps to try to ignore and another job to search for. Let me know when you get wherever it is you’re going.”
“Okay, Aspen. I love you.”
“I love you, though!”
“I’m lucky that you do.”
I laughed and ended the phone call, staring at the screen. I got up to use the bathroom and change my pad, as I had a ridiculous amount of blood pouring out of me, courtesy of the pills I had to take. Going to the bathroom was just a huge reminder of how irresponsible I’d been.
I was able to get a prescription for birth control at the same time as the other pill I had to take. It was sitting on the counter. I figured I’d wait a week before Matt was supposed to be home to start taking them. It seemed pointless to take birth control when I wasn’t having sex.
I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed the computer off the counter. I propped it open and began searching Craigslist for odd jobs and secretary jobs. I began saving posts, created an email and resume and began applying. I played about on the computer and thought about what Matt had said earlier about a recording studio. He was right. That would be way cool for him to do. And say he was ready to stop touring—he would still have that steady income.
I thought about business I’d like to do—there were a lot of different options. Coffee shop, sno cone shack, maybe even a two year associates and I could be manager of some sort. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted, but I knew I’d be able to figure it out in time.
Right now, my goal was to get through this horrible experience and job search. I’d work two jobs until Matt came home and we’d use the next few months to make another plan. Because that’s all life seemed to be, making plans and putting plans into action.
I was finally turning into an adult, and was hoping the fun and easy part would come at some point.
I glanced over at Aly, who had one hand on the steering wheel and had placed the other one over my hand, trying to comfort me. I sighed raggedly, on the verge of tears.
“There are so many women out there who can’t have babies and I’m going to get an abortion.” I stated.
Aly was quiet for a long time. Because she was thinking or because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset me even further, I wasn’t entirely sure.
“Aspen, I’m going to be completely honest with you. There is nothing that I’m going to say or that Matt is going to say or anyone is going to say that’s going to make you feel better about your decision. The only thing that will make you feel better is if and when you decide to have a baby, you will thank yourself over and over again that you waited until you were ready. I can’t necessarily empathize with you because I don’t know how you’re feeling—“ She glanced over at me, “I can only imagine and I’m sure it’s the toughest spot you’ve ever been in.”
I tightened my grip on her hand and leaned my head against the cool glass of the car window as she sped up to get on the freeway. Somewhere in between Ogden and Salt Lake, I had fallen asleep.
***
I tossed and turned in mine and Matt’s bed with as my stomach was burdened wth cramps. It had been a few days since Aly and I had gotten back from Salt Lake. She had given me a ride to Planned Parenthood and sat with me through my appointment. After some testing, the doctor informed me that I was in my eighth week and I was still able to use a gentler method. Basically, I would take a medication that would stop the baby from growing and essentially, I would miscarry.
After a lot of convincing, Aly dropped me off at the apartment with a cellphone that had some prepaid calling and texting. I honestly wanted to be with Matt during the entire thing, but I knew that wasn’t a possibility. I didn’t want to burden Aly anymore, so I was at the apartment, trying to busy myself with other things to do. I had taken the next few days off from the video store, but had also began to look for a second job to occupy myself while Matt was away.
I was trying to find ten million other things to occupy myself with. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think about right now was how horrible I felt. Physically and emotionally. Even mentally, I wasn’t feeling all that great. I pulled out the prepaid phone and glanced at the screen. It was 1 in the afternoon. I debated calling Aly or Andy to see if they wanted to do something. I only thought about it for a minute or two until I changed my mind.
I did decide to shoot Matt a text though. I figured they were headed to the next city.
I miss you
He responded pretty quickly I miss you more
I smiled to myself a little bit. If anyone could make me feel better about a shitty decision, it was Matt. I felt a sudden urge to text him the longest thing I’d ever texted, but decided against it and called him instead.
He answered the phone with a smile behind his voice, “hey baby. What’s up?”
I sighed, “I don’t know. I took those pills and I just don’t feel very good. I wish you were here with me. I feel so awful. Not just the cramps, but everything else. I just feel like I really screwed up, you know?” I paused, “I know that this is what we decided together and I don’t think I’m changing my mind, but I just feel guilty.”
“I know you feel bad, Aspen.” He said softly, “I so wish I could be there for you. I would be if I could.”
“I know.”
“Do you remember when I came to pick you up from jail?” He asked suddenly.
I was kind of taken aback. “Yeah, I do.”
“I walked to the jail that day, and the whole way there I was like arguing with myself. I kept telling myself, ‘Matt, you just need to turn around and worry about yourself.’ I was like walking into a fire.” He laughed a little bit, “the whole way there, I could remember all the times you and I had gotten fucked up together and just hung out and nothing ever really came of it. Because I guess what I was most scared of was ending up in another relationship. But then you and I fell together in this totally weird way, and it’s like… we’re kind of in this fucked up place right now, but I have a feeling you’re on your way to where you need to be and so am I. And I honesty believe it’s because we have each other…”
He trailed of and I took initiative to pick up the conversation, “you mean you never thought about having sex with me?”
“That’s all you got out of that?” He scoffed.
“I mean…” I laughed, “you know I got more, but I don’t feel sappy enough to address it right now.”
“Fair enough.” I paused, “I did think about having sex with you, for the record. Like once or twice, especially after I found out that you hadn’t slept with Sonny.”
I rolled my eyes, “Matt, you’re such a pervert.”
“Well yeah,” he laughed again, “of course, only around you.”
I bit my lip at the thought of his slightly crooked smile. I wanted him so bad at that moment. And not just to fuck. I just wanted his arms around me and his stomach pressed up against my back. I never felt better when he was up against me like that. The phone line went quiet and I could hear chatter in the background.
“Well,” I sighed loudly, “I should probably let you go. I don’t want to keep you on the phone the whole time you guys are driving.”
“I wish I could be there for you.”
“I know you do, and it’s the thought that counts. You’ll be home in less than three months and counting…” I trailed off, “I think I’m going to look for another job.”
“You don’t like the video store?”
“No, I mean so I have two. That way I’ll stay busy and save some money. I want to start a business, I’ve been thinking.”
“What kind of business?” He asked.
“I have no fucking idea.” I mused, “but I mean I’m sure we could think of something together.”
“A recording studio would be cool.”
“That would be cool.”
“Or,” he said, “we could save up for a wedding. You could be named Mrs. Good.”
“I know you did not just propose to me hundreds of miles away over the phone, Matt.” I let out a breath, “I won’t say no because I love you, but you have to ask me again in person.”
“Who says I did?”
I rolled my eyes, “okay, I’m getting off the phone with you now. I have cramps to try to ignore and another job to search for. Let me know when you get wherever it is you’re going.”
“Okay, Aspen. I love you.”
“I love you, though!”
“I’m lucky that you do.”
I laughed and ended the phone call, staring at the screen. I got up to use the bathroom and change my pad, as I had a ridiculous amount of blood pouring out of me, courtesy of the pills I had to take. Going to the bathroom was just a huge reminder of how irresponsible I’d been.
I was able to get a prescription for birth control at the same time as the other pill I had to take. It was sitting on the counter. I figured I’d wait a week before Matt was supposed to be home to start taking them. It seemed pointless to take birth control when I wasn’t having sex.
I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed the computer off the counter. I propped it open and began searching Craigslist for odd jobs and secretary jobs. I began saving posts, created an email and resume and began applying. I played about on the computer and thought about what Matt had said earlier about a recording studio. He was right. That would be way cool for him to do. And say he was ready to stop touring—he would still have that steady income.
I thought about business I’d like to do—there were a lot of different options. Coffee shop, sno cone shack, maybe even a two year associates and I could be manager of some sort. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted, but I knew I’d be able to figure it out in time.
Right now, my goal was to get through this horrible experience and job search. I’d work two jobs until Matt came home and we’d use the next few months to make another plan. Because that’s all life seemed to be, making plans and putting plans into action.
I was finally turning into an adult, and was hoping the fun and easy part would come at some point.
♠ ♠ ♠
&&&&