Love, Aspen

I found myself stuck in my po’s office for almost the third time that week. If I didn’t know that we were working on getting me out of here, I might think that I was his favorite or something. I tinkered with some pens sitting on the counter as I waited for him to come back into the room. It didn’t take much longer for the smell of strong coffee to waft into the room and he followed right behind it, a mug in his hand and big tired eyes.

“Hey Aspen. Sorry I’m late.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. Got all the time in the world.”

He smiled dryly at me, “You’ve got quite the sense of humor.”

“Got to have one if you get locked up here for this long.”

“Speaking of being locked up, I spoke with Matt for a while the other day, and he showed up to your hearing—“

I interrupted him, “He was there?”

He nodded. “You didn’t see him?”

“No.”

I looked down at the ugly carpet covering the ground. I was instantly embarrassed. Matt knew absolutely everything. I mean, before he knew that I was an idiot and I was always doing shit I wasn’t supposed to be doing. But he must’ve realized that I’d gotten really bad; so bad that I actually started getting caught. I sighed loudly and looked up as my probation officer started talking again.

“He’s still making his decision. I have talked to him as much as I can. I think the only thing that we can do now is have you call—“

I shook my head before he could finish. “I’m not calling him.”

“Why not?”

“Because. Matt doesn’t care much for me. He just feels bad for me and if I call him, it’s just going to remind him how much he hates me.”

“Aspen, I can almost guarantee you that he doesn’t hate you. I think that he’s just a little cautious right now. He doesn’t have much money and he knows that you’ve been in trouble before. I think that he’s just worried—“

“That I’m just going to fuck everything up for him.” I intervened.

“—that he’s not going to able to take care of both of you.” He finished, giving me a look. “Anyway, Aspen that’s all I wanted to tell you. Go ahead and go back to your session and I’ll let Matt know he has until tomorrow to make his decision.”

I nodded and stood up, leaving the room. As I made my way to my session, I was seething. I was so angry about the entire situation. Yeah, I was glad that Matt was taking me in and that he was going to take care of me, but I just felt like such a god damn failure. Like, obviously there were better things he had to do with his life. And what if he had a girlfriend? Or if he was still living with his parents? Whoever it was, they would just look at me like I’m a fucking retard and wonder why Matt hadn’t just told me to go fuck myself. Even I, myself wondered why he hadn’t said that. He had nothing to gain from letting me live with him, he had nothing to gain from letting me out of jail. Even if he was just letting me out to let me out, he knew that I’d eventually end up coming around to him.

I didn’t understand why Matt had even considered this entire thing, and in the end, it was inevitable that he would let me come stay with him. This whole decision thing was bullshit. Matt always stalled. Whenever I called him up, he’d tell me that he would have to make sure his parents were asleep before he left to come pick me up, and if they were awake, he couldn’t. Either his parents slept all the time, or he just showed up to pick me up no matter what. I tend to think that it’s the latter, but whatever. Matt is one of those people that teeters on the edge of deciding constantly. He knows what he’s going to choose from the beginning, but he tries to tell himself that he’s going to choose the other side.

I guess this is a good thing for me, but I just feel like I completely took advantage of him, which I didn’t mind doing a few years ago; but I think now that I’ve realized that Matt would do literally anything for me, I am starting to feel bad. But sometimes I think that he would do literally anything for anyone so that just makes me feel like he’s a really good person, which he would be either way; but like I said it’s just something that makes me feel like I’m slightly important to him.

And sometimes when your family doesn’t want anything to do with you, when your mom is a raging drug addict, when your dad hasn’t given a shit about since the day you were shoved out of your mom’s vagina, and all your friends from high school have either ended up making something of themselves, or have practically dropped off the face of the earth; it’s nice to have someone that cares about you, even if it’s just because he feels like he has to.

I have never been especially close to Matt, I just always ran to him because he was always there. He never hung up on me when I called him in the middle of the night, he never told me to fuck off and find my own ride, and he never told me I was stupid for calling him; which were all things Derek, Travis, and Sonny had said to me. I had never called Matt crying, nor cried to him or actually told him anything. I just made him think that I needed a cigarette, I needed someone to walk me home, I needed a place to sleep. Essentially, I just used Matt.

Like the night I called him from the payphone. He was the only person I could think to call and I remember sitting there and wanting to tell him what had just happened, but not being able to actually say it out loud.

My hands were shaking as I shoved two quarters into the payphone and dialed Matt’s number. Tears were still running down my face and I still felt sick to my stomach. After three rings, I was almost positive Matt wasn’t going to answer. But then he did.

“Hello?” He asked, his voice groggy and full of curiosity.

“Matt.” I said quickly, my breath still wavering. “What are you doing?”

I could hear him sit up, like he was lying in bed and become alert. “Nothing…” He said slowly. “Aspen, are you okay?”

“I just…” I paused, wiping my face, covering my mouth with my hand, doing my best to talk without crying.

“You just what?” He asked sharply. I could hear him putting his shoes on. “Aspen!”

“Can you come get me?”

The zipper to his jacket. “Where are you?”

I looked around me. Where the fuck was I? I rubbed my eyes and tried to calm myself down.

“Aspen, god damn it.” He snapped, getting irritated with me. I could hear his bedroom door creak open. “Are you on drugs?”

I shook my head, but didn’t say anything.

He sighed loudly, taking my silence as a yes. “Aspen. Just tell me where you’re at.”

“I’m at the payphone outside of the Albertson’s down the street from your house. By Redwood park.”

“Okay. Go inside and sit down. Don’t fucking freak out. I’ll be there in like ten minutes.”

“Okay Matt.”

I hung up the phone and looked around me, the warm air surrounding me, suffocating me like strong hands around my neck. I quickly walked inside and sat down at the bench near the door, just as Matt had told me. I untied my shoes and retied them. My whole body was warm and I was sweating underneath my shirt, but I couldn’t just take it off in public. I looked around me four or five times and kept checking to make sure that no one had sat down next to me. I got up and started reading the flyers posted to the cardboard on the wall when the door swung open behind me.

“Aspen.”

I jumped and let out a sharp cry before I turned around to see Matt. “Oh my God.” I said, smiling because I was so glad to see him, “you fucking scared me.”

He rolled his eyes, “Let’s go outside and have a cigarette okay?”

I nodded, letting him grab me by the forearm and drag me outside. Tears were starting to prick at my eyes again, but I did my best to hold them in. I watched as he put two cigarettes in his mouth and light them, handing one to me.

I inhaled as deeply as I could and let a drag out of my mouth, setting my shaking hand on my knee, “Thanks for coming to get me.”

He nodded, looking away like he was mad. “Do you need somewhere to stay tonight?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Well is your aunt going to care if you’re all fucked up?”

I looked at him, narrowing my eyes. “I’m not fucked up Matt.” I paused.

He shook his head, taking a drag off his cigarette. “Bullshit you aren’t Aspen.”

“I’m not.”

He ignored me and took another drag off of his cigarette. We didn’t talk for a while, just sat there and smoked. We lit more and smoked more. I just sat there and kept thinking about telling him, I had to tell someone. But I just couldn’t. I was afraid he’d call me a liar or something. The only thing I could do was sit there and be close to him, even if he hated me and just felt bad for me, felt like he was responsible for me.

Finally, I let out my last drag and put my cigarette out on the bottom of my shoe, throwing the butt in the gutter. I slapped my hands on my knees and looked around again.

“Look, if you’re going to stay at my place you need to sober up a little bit.”

“Fuck Matt,” I snapped. “I already fucking told you, I’m not drunk.”

“What are you on?”

“Fucking nothing Matt!” I shrieked, turning away from him as I started to cry.

I covered my face with my forearm and stood up. I felt his hands on my shoulders. “Come on, let’s just go back to my house. You can sleep in my bed and I’ll take the floor.”

I shoved him off of me. “No, I’m just going to go home.”

“Aspen?” He asked quietly. “Are you crying?”

I turned to face him and nodded before bursting into the most pathetic bout of tears in my life. I fell against his chest and I felt his arms wrap around me awkwardly. I started to sob, crying out, not saying any words, just letting my voice make noise. I sniffed as snot started to pour from my nose. My stomach was aching, my hands were shaking, my throat was hoarse from smoking earlier and my head was spinning.

“Aspen.” Matt said, rubbing his hands over my back. “Come on, let’s go back to my house.” He tried to pull on me, but I wouldn’t budge. “I’m serious. I’ll drag you if I have to, let’s fucking go.”

I nodded and pulled away from him. He clutched onto me the whole way to his house. I sniveled and cried quietly the whole way there, and Matt had managed to calm me down as we stood outside the door by telling me that I couldn’t wake up his mom, she had to work in the morning.

He took me to the bathroom and had me wash my face and brush my teeth. He left the room and brought me back some clothes to sleep in and waited outside the door for me to change. I followed him back into his bedroom and he helped me into his bed. I stuffed my face into a pillow and sighed loudly, being able to stop crying finally.

I was asleep within minutes.