Love, Aspen

I pulled the blanket over Aspen’s body and sighed loudly, sitting down with my back against the bed. I rubbed my face several times. My eyes were red and they ached. I just wanted to sleep, but I wanted to make sure that Aspen would be all right. I didn’t want to wake up to her dead in her own puddle of puke. I stood up and slowly made my way out of the room so I didn’t wake her up. Once I was in the kitchen, I pulled a soda out of the fridge and held it underneath a blanket, cracking it open. I almost jumped out of my skin as the light in the kitchen flicked on and my mom stood in the doorway, her face tired.

“Matt, what are you doing up? It’s like three in the morning.”

“Sorry Mom.” I said, taking a sip of my soda.

She took the drink from me and put it upside down in the sink. “You don’t need to be drinking soda. It’s late. Go to bed.”

I nodded.

“Well, go on.” She said, putting her hands against my back and pushing me towards my room. Her voice had taken on a playful tone now, “Do you want me to tuck you in?”

I slightly pushed her off as we came closer to my room, “No Mom. It’s okay. Go back to bed. Sorry for waking you up.”

“Oh, come on Matty.” She laughed, pushing open my door.

I stared at her as she had her back to my room and was laughing slightly. “Funny Mom. Good night.” I said, trying to push her out of the doorway.

She turned to walk into my room and stopped short of seeing Aspen in my bed. She closed the door. “Matt, what did I tell you about letting that girl stay here? She has a house, she needs to go home.” I stood there, not saying a word. “I don’t care if she’s going to get in trouble for being drunk or pregnant or whatever.” She laughed, as I laughed when she mentioned being pregnant, then became serious again. “Matt, I’m serious. You need to stop with this girl. I don’t know what is going on between you two, but you can’t be taking care of her like this. I don’t want a phone call from her family asking me why she’s sleeping in the same room as my sixteen year old son.”

“Trust me, they won’t call you.”

She sighed loudly, rubbing her face a few times, just like I had done moments earlier. It was something I’d picked up from her. “Why do you do this to me?”

“I’m sorry Mom.” I said quietly. “I just feel bad for her. I can’t just let her wander the streets being all messed up. If something happened to her…” I trailed off.

“I know, I know. You’d never be able to live with yourself!” She said dramatically, laughing.

“Mom.” I laughed. “Seriously though.”

She pulled me into a hug, tucking her head into my chest. “I wonder if you’re gay sometimes. You’re too sensitive and nice to be straight.”

I laughed loudly and pulled away from her. “Go to bed Mom.” I pushed on my bedroom door. “Good night, I love you.”

I closed the door behind me and stared at Aspen’s sleeping form. Her stomach rising with every breath.

I would have stared at her longer if I knew she was going to leave in the morning and I’d never see her again.

I pulled myself out of my day dream and laughed at whatever everyone else was laughing at. I was over at Craig’s house for dinner. We had rehearsed for almost three hours and now we were all sitting around eating burgers and homemade fries. I still had sweat covering my back and adrenaline pulsing in my veins. Everyone was talking about the new clips and Craig was stoked that we were finally getting somewhere with the entire thing. I was just as excited as everyone else, but the rehearsal had me beat. I was tired, but I didn’t want to just come over for rehearsal and then leave, I didn’t need everyone worrying about me anymore than they already did.

I felt a fry hit me in the face and I turned to see Craig laughing at me. “Did you hear me?”

“No.” I laughed. “What’d you say?”

“I said are you excited about the clips?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, you seem really fucking excited.” Nick snapped.

I looked at him from across the table. Everyone had gotten quiet now and I was left to defend myself. “I am excited. I’m just tired.”

“You’re always ‘just tired’.”

“I don’t sleep well.” I muttered, feeling my face get hot.

“Yeah because you’re probably up too late fucking crying about your pathetic life.”

I saw Adam elbow Nick from where I was sitting and I kept my face down as I stood up. I didn’t bother to clean up my plate. I just pushed my chair in. “Thanks for dinner guys. I’ll be around sometime after tomorrow.”

“Matt.” Aly said softly. “Let me give you a ride.”

“It’s all right. I’m just going to walk.”

“No, it’s late—“

“Aly.” Craig said sternly, “Just let him walk.”

Nothing else was said as I made my way out of their front door and down their drive way. I fucking hated Nick. He was such a fucking asshole. It was one thing to fuck around with me and make fun of me, but I got sick and tired of him playing the ‘depression’ card. Nothing I did bothered him or interfered with his life. It was me that was depressed, my life that was complete shit.

I lit a cigarette and puffed on it madly. Life just seemed so pointless at that minute. I had nothing to fucking live for. Nick was an asshole, the band wasn’t really getting anywhere yet, Craig and Aly tried so hard to make me not hate myself, but they weren’t making any progress. Nothing I fucking did made me happy, I spent most of my days thinking of ways to kill myself, of ways I could die, of what people would think afterwards. It was a never ending cycle of complete bullshit and I wanted it to end.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed my mom’s number, waiting anxiously for her to pick up. Sometimes it seemed like she was the only person that could calm me down.

“Hello estranged son.”

“Hi mom.” I laughed, blowing smoke out of my nose. “What’re you doing?”

“Just picking up the house. Waiting for your dad to get home from work, how about yourself?”

“Walking home from Craig and Aly’s.”

“Oh yeah? What were you doing over there?”

“We recorded some stuff and had dinner.” I paused. “I need to ask you something.”

“What’s that?”

“Do you remember Aspen?”

I could hear her quiet for a minute, the gears in her brain spinning. Of course she remembered Aspen, but did she want to tell me that she did? If she told me no, she wouldn’t have to hear what I was about to say. But, knowing my mom and her problem with curiosity, she said, “That girl that always used to camp out at our house when she was drunk?”

“Yeah.”

“What about her?”

“Well she’s been in jail for the last sixth months.”

“And?”

“And so her probation officer called me up the other day and she has nowhere else to go, and she’s being released sometime and he wanted to talk to me about letting her live with me.”

“Matt.” She said quietly.

“And I haven’t really made the decision yet—“

“Oh thank God, Matt. You tell that girl no, she was so much trouble.”

“—But Mom I just don’t think it’s right to leave her stranded in there and I just feel really bad.”

“Matt, no.”

“But Mom.”

“Matt.”

My phone beeped and I had another call on the line. “Hold on Mom.”

I switched the call over and said, “Hello?”

“Hey Matt, this is Brady. I am just calling to finalize your decision so that we can either get this show on the road or move Aspen to another facility.”

I bit my lip. My mom was on the other line, probably pulling her hair out because she was convinced Aspen was the devil and she was going to ruin my life, Brady was anxiously awaiting my response, my conscience was telling me what to do, and then I thought of Aspen. Wearing that ugly orange jump suit, her dyed red hair hanging around her hollow face, her big eyes sad and upset.

“Matt?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, what?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there to pick her up tomorrow.”

“Okay Matt. Tomorrow at three o’clock. You sure you can handle this?”

“Yes.”

“See you then.”

I hung up that line and reconnected to my mom’s line. “Hey Mom.”

“Jesus Christ Matt. Were you even listening to me? That girl is bad news, you do not need her in your house. You barely have enough money to support yourself, do you really think it’s a good idea to let her come live with you? Especially the way she acted when she was a teenager, Matt.”

“People change Mom.”

She sighed loudly and I could picture her rubbing her face. “Matt.”

“I already told her probation officer I would.”

“You would what?”

“Let her come live with me.”

“Why?”

“Because Mom. I don’t think it’s fair that—“

“That she fucked up her entire life Matt? That she doesn’t know up from down because she’s too busy shoving a bottle down her throat or sucking up smoke?” She yelled. “Jesus Christ Matt I thought you were smarter than this!”

“I don’t think it’s fair that she’s gone her whole life without anyone giving a fuck.” I snapped. “And it doesn’t matter now because I already said I would take her in.”

I pressed the end button on my phone and shoved it into my pocket, ignoring its constant ringing and vibrating as I continued to walk home. If my mom was this upset about Apsen, I could only imagine what the guys were going to think when they found out.

At that point, I didn’t really care. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted Aspen to come live with me. I hated being by myself all of the time and I hated dragging myself out of bed every day. Besides that, there was no way that Aspen could still be as immature as she had been a while ago. She had to have matured at least somewhat after spending six months in jail.

I walked quickly across the street and let myself into my apartment, locking the door behind me. My phone was still ringing and I continued to ignore it, going into the bathroom and starting up the shower. I shed myself of my clothes and waited a few seconds before stepping under the hot water. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to explain my current living situation to Aspen tomorrow.

I barely had enough food to feed myself, the temperature in my apartment never rose above 68 degrees because I couldn’t pay the heat bill, I only washed clothes once a week to save water; it was a never ending battle to save money. I’m not necessarily worried about her being annoyed with it because I know she’s lived in conditions ten times worse, but I’m just embarrassed. I never made anything of myself and that’s going to be completely obvious when I pick her up tomorrow with no god damn car.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe Aspen was my reason for living. It might sound stupid and childish, but I felt like I was really going to make a difference in her life, which gave my life point. Therefore to me, it all made sense. If I couldn’t live life for myself, to make myself happy, why not give someone else something they’ve never had?

Why not give Aspen the feeling of being cared about, of making her feel like she actually belonged in this fucking world somewhere, like she wasn’t a complete waste of time?