Love, Aspen

I sat on my cot staring around the completely empty room. The only thing that was in the room was another bed, made up and ready for someone to sleep in. Although, the only person that was going to sleep in this fucking room was me, seeing as how Matt had decidedly chosen not to take me in. It had been days since the whole entire thing was finalized and it was completely obvious to me that I was fucked. I was stuck in here for another 67 days, according to this year’s calendar. That was, if I had the fucking date right. I’d been in this shit hole for so long I couldn’t remember half the time.

I sighed loudly and put my head in my hands, trying to fight back tears and ignore my quivering chin. But, there was no point in my action whatsoever. Tears still ran down my face and my body shook slightly with anxiety. You would think I would be used to this place after living here for so long; but it was a sick feeling. It’s like working so hard on a paper and you’re almost done writing it and the fucking power goes out. It’s like almost reaching your climax and then completely losing it. It’s like being so close to something, seeing it, but not being able to touch it. I had that feeling.

I was so god damn close to being let out, to being released to someone who would take care of me and then I get completely fucked and stuck in here anyway. My probation officer never met with me again and I requested several times to speak with him, but every time I was fucking ignored. It was like everyone was dead set on forcing me to stay here for the rest of my life. I mean, fuck it’s not like I killed anyone.

The loud metallic lock on my door clicked and my door was pushed open. The hall guard stuck his head in the doorway and motioned towards me. “Aspen Whiting, you need to come with me.”

I nodded, standing up and following him out the door. “Where are we going?”

He ignored me.

“Sir?”

“I would advise you to keep your mouth shut, Ms. Whiting.”

Instantly, my stomach fucking dropped. The letter. The fucking letter from Cassie. I was so fucked. Oh my god. My face got hot and my fingers started to shake. I wanted to be anywhere but here at the moment. I followed the guard into the finger printing room and suddenly my nervousness became curiosity.

“Sit down.”

I did as he told me and sat down in the chair, fiddling with my fingers while I waited for someone else to come and snap a command at me. While I was sitting there, I was doing my best to prepare some type of argument, but found it physically impossible. I was near the end, almost fucking there and what happens? I get fucked. That was probably the reason Matt never showed up the other day. I sighed dramatically and tilted my head back against the window. I wanted to fucking kill myself.

“Whiting?” A female voice said. “Aspen Whiting?”

I opened my eyes and looked in the direction of her voice. “Yeah?”

“Well, get up. Come on now.”

I stood up and followed her into another room, called the release room. I was in a serious mind fuck at this point.

“Will you please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

She looked towards me with slight irritation, ignoring my question.

I rolled my eyes and turned my head the other way, looking all over the room. “Can I talk to my probation officer?”

She ignored me again and motioned for me to follow her into a hall way. At the end of that hallway were three chairs, and in the corner, talking to my probation officer was Matt. My heart jumped instantly. My stomach turned and my knees felt weak. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run to Matt and hug him. I wanted to scream. But I merely stood there and watched their conversation. Matt had his back to me, but my probation officer gave a slight nod towards me.

Matt turned around to look at me and instantly I felt my face go red. He looked so much the same. Just taller and slightly unhappier. His blue eyes shone underneath his brown fringe, no longer dyed black. His arms were covered tattoos, he wore a band t shirt and a pair of jeans. Tears came to my eyes and I turned away from him.

“You ready to be done, Aspen?” My probation officer asked.

I nodded, pretending to scratch my right eye. “Yes.”

Matt walked over to me and handed me jeans and a t shirt. “I brought you some clothes.” He paused. “They’re um, they’re my friend’s girlfriend’s clothes, they will probably fit you.”

“Thanks.”

The woman guided me into a room where I could change. I slowly unfolded the outfit. There was a cheap cotton bra, much like the one I was wearing that was still starch new and a pair of new underwear. I pushed them to the side and unfolded the pants. They were size 7 and would probably be a little big, but I wasn’t going to complain. I unfolded the t shirt, just a plain white v neck. One of the cheap ones you can buy in five packs at Wal Mart. I untied my shoes and kicked them to the side, pulling my socks off. I slowly unzipped my jumpsuit and pulled off the undergarments, leaving myself to be completely naked while I folded up the clothing. I pulled on the cotton bra and underwear and slipped the t shirt over the top, pulling on the jeans. I groaned slightly when I realized I had no shoes to wear.

But, I put the shoes and socks on top of the outfit and left them on the shelf, walking out barefoot. Matt grinned slightly when he saw me, pushing a pair of flip flops my way. “Forgot the shoes.”

I nodded, putting them on my feet. “Thanks.”

“All right.” My probation officer looked over at me. “Mr. Good and I have looked over everything and got it all signed up. You are now free to leave this facility, Ms. Whiting. Please promise me you won’t create any more trouble for you or Mr. Good.”

“I promise.”

He nodded awkwardly. “Don’t let me down.”

“I won’t.”

As Matt and I walked out of the facility, neither one of us knew what to say. We were both so quiet, I almost wanted to run back inside and just live in solitude again. But as I looked up at the sun, I realized being in jail was something I could never deal with again.

I coughed slightly as Matt crossed the street. “Thanks.”

He nodded. “You’re welcome.”

We were both quiet again and I sighed, feeling the need to explain myself. “Matt, I um. Really though, thank you. I called you because I figured you would pick up, but I never would have expected this.”

“Expected what?”

I nodded understandingly. “I figured.” I laughed slightly. “So how far do we have to drive until you tell me to get out of the car?”

He shook his head at me. “I don’t have a car.”

“So how far are we walking? Are you going to give me a quarter and tell me to call someone who gives a fuck?” I said. “Because you might as well keep the change.”

“I don’t have a quarter.”

“What do you have, Matt?” I paused. “Do you have a plan? Or were you just going to pick me up, walk me a few blocks and slowly walk away from me like you don’t know me?”

He looked at me, a confused expression taking over his face. “Aspen, I didn’t get you out of jail so that you could try living on your own. Do you realize that’s what got you into this mess in the first place? Jesus Christ, will you stop being so paranoid? When was the last time I told you to fuck off?”

I shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

“You just need to chill the fuck out.” He sighed. “I know this is weird. I haven’t talked to you since…”

“Since that morning I left your house.”

“Where did you go?”

“Took a bus. Tried to live on my own. Came back and tried to live with my aunt. I came home one night fucked out of my mind and she kicked me out. A few days later, I was in jail.”

“After you burned down that playground?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

He didn’t say anything, and fuck was I glad. That was a subject I didn’t want to go into just yet with Matt.

“So,” I kicked a rock across the street. “How is shit going?”

“What shit?”

“The band. How’s Sonny?” I asked quickly.

“I don’t fucking know.” He snapped. “He left like a year ago.”

“He left From First To Last?”

He nodded. “Everyone did. We called it a hiatus, but the band is fucked. We’re done.”

“What happened?”

“A lot of shit. Sonny left and we recorded two records. The first one wasn’t too bad. But Throne To The Wolves was complete shit. That was after Travis and Derek started their little side project. Travis left eventually and we just kind of gave up.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now. Craig Owens, you know from Chiodos?”

“Yeah.”

“Started a band with him and a couple other dudes.”

“Oh yeah? Called what?”

“Drugs.”

“Nice one Matt.” I smiled.

“It’s an acronym. For Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows.”

I nodded. “Of course it is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know.” I paused. “We almost to your house yet? I’m fucking starving.”

He grinned at me. “Well I have to head to rehearsal so I figured I could just drag you with me and we could get something to eat at Craig’s.”

“Sounds cool.”

We walked for a few minutes and he lit a cigarette, passing one to me after lighting another. “How was it?”

“Jail?”

He nodded.

“Fucking shit Matt. I’m never going back again.” I laughed, looking up at him. “Ever.”

“I can imagine.”

We continued to walk and make slight small talk. I wasn’t ready for the serious shit yet, and I could tell Matt wasn’t either. I think he was still trying to figure out if I had changed or if I was still immature. But I couldn’t really show him either thing, because I wasn’t necessarily sure either.

We came up to a house and Matt guided me up the walkway, tapping on the door. A girl answered with a smile on her face, “Hi Matt!”

“Hey Al.” He smiled, pulling me inside. “This is Aspen.”

I waved at her shyly. “Hi.”

“I’m Aly.” She smiled, returning the wave.

The door was closed behind us and the three of us walked into the living room where four other guys stood. I recognized Craig right away. He looked the same, but with a beard. The other three guys looked slightly familiar, but I had no idea who the fuck they were.

“I’m Adam.” One guy stood up and motioned to the other. “That’s Aaron.”

The third guy looked from Matt to me and stood up, laughing slightly. “I’m Nick.”

“Aspen.” I said cautiously.

“You the little girl that was in jail?” He snorted, thinking he was funny.

I turned to look at Matt whose face was an embarrassed shade of red and he looked away from me as fast as he could. Did he honestly have to tell everyone?

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“And how was that?”

“Best time of my life.” I said sarcastically.

“White trash.” He muttered, walking into the kitchen and shaking his head.

“Go fuck yourself.” I snapped.

“All right.” Aly said, intervening before Nick said anything else. “Why don’t you guys go practice and I’ll get Aspen something to eat. You must be hungry, huh?”

I laughed. “Actually me and Matt were talking about that on the way here.”

“What a coincidence!” She laughed, winking at Matt. “Sometimes I think the only reason Matt shows up over here is to eat.”

Matt laughed. “Whatever Al.”

The other guys had filed into the room without Matt and he stood there, staring at me in a weird way.

“You going to make them practice without you?” I asked.

“No.” He paused, looking away from me. “I just. I just wanted to make sure you were all right. Nick is kind of an asshole sometimes.”

“Come on Matt.” I laughed. “I’m a big girl! I can hold up my pants all on my own!” I said, grabbing the waist line of the oversized jeans and tugging on them awkwardly.

“Okay.” He smiled.

I watched as he walked away. He turned around before going into the room and flashed me a thumbs up before entering.