Your Secret's Safe

Max

Ever since I could remember, it was always Jeff and Kenny. I used to watch them play in the living room from my confinement. I was constantly sick, since my immune system was shot. Mom picked up smoking after Jeff was born. She hasn’t stopped, not even when she was pregnant with me. So that left me in the “playroom” behind a baby proof gate while my brother and his best friend hung out in the living room. I know that if I’d been out there with them, I probably wouldn’t be alive but back then, it was the worst thing that Mom could’ve done.

See, back then, even when I was too young to know I was gay and liked boys, I liked Kenny. I mean, anybody that laid eyes on that boy liked him but not in the way I did and still do. The feeling only grew over the years. It expanded, it exploded, it became something much bigger than it was. I started to love him. He was sweet and smart and had an insanely gorgeous smile. He would come visit me in the hospital when I got really sick, even if he had to look like a total dweeb wearing the mask. He always brought me Pocky’s, which are my favorite Japanese-originated snack. If you haven’t had a Pocky, you haven’t lived. He also always came with his laptop, iPod charger and put new music on my iPod for me. He came to see me more than Jeff did. Jeff, I have to mention, is my older brother.

I was 16 when I got admitted to the hospital with several infections and a bad case of the flu (what kind, they never told me). I could barely breath half the time so I was intubated and under severe amounts of medications. I had several dozen needles stuck in my body and I couldn’t keep track of the days. I did know that Kenny was there, every afternoon. He’d come in with my brother, Jeff would excuse himself and Kenny would talk to me. I couldn’t talk back but it was Kenny’s voice that kept me calm.

My best friend, Sarah Lynn, always asked why I loved him so much. But… she didn’t know him. He was a damn good swimmer and when I was well enough, he’d try to teach me to swim. I could never go to lessons. I might catch a cold and end up hospitalized for a week. That was just one thing I loved about him. Besides that, he was patient and well, let’s get this out of the way, he was fucking sexy! His messy brown curls fell into his chestnut brown eyes all the time and he’d sweep them away like it was no big deal. He had a six-pack abs, strong arms and legs and broad shoulders, yet he was slender. He was truly a specimen of good breeding. I’ve heard, in my few weeks in high school and not at home getting tutored, girls talk about Kenny being crafted by the gods. Everyone likes him, as I’ve said.

I don’t stand a chance at catching his attention that way. I’m scrawny, pale, my blue eyes are dull and my straight black hair is constantly in a state of bed head since I’m stuck in hospital beds. The most interesting thing about me was my lip piercing, which in a sad statement. Even if he had an interest in me, which I doubt he would, I’m 3 years younger than him and he could have anyone he wanted.

I reached into my bag on the nightstand and pulled out my iPod, my faithful device I named Astoria. I put the earbuds in my ears and set it on shuffle. I kept my eyes closed and smiled as it changed to a different song. The door opened and Kenny shuffled in, without Jeff. I peaked at him from under the frayed ends of my fringe. It was one of those rare days where I was breathing on my own, so I didn’t have the hideous tube down my throat.

“Hey kid.” he sat on the bed beside me and pulled a pack of strawberry Pockys out of his pocket.

“The nurse doesn’t want you to have these but she doesn’t have to know.” Kenny said with a grin. I returned the smile and he opened the package. He opened the inside plastic bag and handed one to me. I took it from the bottom, where the strawberry coating wasn’t. We toasted me still being alive and ate the biscuit sticks. He put the package in my bag so the nurse wouldn’t see them.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bored are you right now?” Kenny asked, sitting cross-legged from me, our knees touching.

“11.”

“Really? Well! Guess what?”

“What?”

“Your brother got himself a girlfriend.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Her name’s Sandy. She’s actually really nice and pretty. He’s been crushing on her for years and finally, a few weeks, he asked her out on a date and today, they made it official. They held hands in the hall and he carried her lunch tray. They’re such a cute couple, Max.” he was grinning as he spoke.

“What about you?”

“Me?” Kenny looked confused.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

He laughed, quite loudly. I didn’t think it was that funny, in all honesty.

“Max…” he caught his breath and looked me dead in the eye, “Max, I… I…. I’m gay.”

My heart stopped, like a deer caught in the headlights. I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t know Kenny was gay. How was I supposed to know? He never mentioned any significant other. He never even hinted that he was attracted to guys.

“Max? Hello? Hey! Breath! Max!” Kenny grabbed my shoulders. My head grew light and I swayed, even though Kenny was holding onto me.

“Shit!” he exclaimed, jumping off the bed and whipping the door open. “Nurse!”

I heard the sounds of feet and I was moved onto my back. The pillows were tossed away and someone pried my mouth open. I heard them say my throat had closed and to get the intubation tray.

Everything started to get hazy and black. I felt my eyes roll back.

“We’re losing him!” a male yelled, “Dammit, Janice, get me that intubation tray!”

I felt the tube enter my mouth and get pushed down my throat. I felt air get pushed down the tube and into my chest. Someone was pushing on my chest. I relaxed as I could breath again and my heart was beating.

“Oh, thank God. His pulse is coming back.” a young women said. My eyelids fluttered open and I found Kenny standing against the wall with the most terrified expression on his face.

“Max, can you hear me?” Doctor Malony asked. I looked up at his pudgy face and nodded. He smiled.

“You gave us quite a scare, son.” one of the nurses, Janice said. She ruffled my hair and they filed out. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the pillows they’d put back on the bed. I rubbed my face and opened my eyes, finding Kenny automatically. He still wore that terrified expression. I gestured for him to come over. He crept over, as if he were afraid of me passing out if he came too near. I pat the bed and he fervently shook his head.

I pointed at my notebook and pen. He handed them to me and I scribbled.

Sit down. It wasn’t your fault.

“You don’t know that.” he squeaked.

It’s happened before, Kenny. It wasn’t your fault.

“You’ve gone through that before?”

I nodded.

“Holy shit. How do you do it?”

I shrugged.

They normally just put me on massive amounts of sedatives right after so I don’t ever remember the not breathing part.

He gasped. I put one earbud back in and closed my eyes…

You Don’t Know by Milow was playing and I smiled. It was my favorite song. Kenny moved closer and sat beside me, in the chair. He still shook a little bit. I guess he’s never seen someone almost die.

I looked at him and sighed, as best as I could. I put my hand on his and he turned those eyes towards me. I took my free hand and scribbled on the notebook before me.

I’m gay too.

He chuckled.

“Yeah, I guessed that.”

My cheeks burned and he leaned in, kissing one of them.

“Shit, I’m gonna be late for work. I’ll stop by tomorrow to make sure you haven’t died on me. Alright?” he kissed my forehead and raced off. I closed my eyes and let myself fall asleep, listening to Milow’s sweet voice.

-&-

He came the next day, as he said he would. He came the day after that too, and the day after that. It was a week later when I started a letter to him. I had to tell him. I didn’t know if one of those times that I stopped breathing, I wouldn’t be revived. He had to know.

Dear Kenny,

I got that far before I was interrupted. The nurse came in, checking my vitals.

“How’re you today, dearie? What’s this? Are you finally telling that boy that you’re head over heels for him?” Janice asked. I blushed.

“Yes.”

“I say you grab him one day and just lay one on him. Sometimes, you gotta be forceful to get someone’s attention.”

“I’m not forceful, Jan.”

“I know, sweetheart. But he may need a little push, if you can’t my drift.” she winked and left, scribbling on my chart.

I rolled my eyes. I could never just grab Kenny and kiss him. He may not like me like that. I could just make him hate me. Or pity me for being in love with my older brother’s best friend.

That’s why I set You Don’t Know to play while I wrote my letter. When I was finished, I reread and wrinkled my nose. I scratched it out and took one of my markers.

Pssst…

I took a deep breath and wrote as best I could, I love you.

I set the note on the side table, put Astoria beside it and turned onto my side. I was tempted to rip it up but my gaze grew hazy again. I sighed. I let myself relax. My body couldn’t take it anymore. I was worn out. I was tired. It would be better if I just didn’t fight the infections, the diseases, the bacteria. They could have my body, if that’s what they wanted.

I heard the door open just as my heart monitor let out a long beep, signaling my heart stopping.

”NO!”

I looked down at the scene, as if I wasn’t in my body anymore. Kenny was calling for a doctor. He shook my shoulders and told me to hang on. His eyes caught the note. He ran his fingers over the word ’love’ repeatedly as Doctor Malony nudged him out of the way. Tears dripped from Kenny’s eyes and landed on my letter. Jeff waltzed into the room, a girl hanging on his arm. Mom followed and Dad did too, with a cake.

It was my birthday. How could I forget my birthday? Mom screamed when she saw Dr. Malony pumping on my fragile chest. I couldn’t focus on them though. Kenny was staring at my lifeless body, mouth slightly open. He folded the note and when the doctor was about to call time of death, Kenny came over to my bedside. He sat down, took my hand. I watched as he leaned down and kissed my lips. I felt it. It was tingly and shocked my entire body. His lips moved to my ear and he whispered, “I love you too, Max. Come back to me.”

I stared and moved to my body. I lay down on the bed, in the exact position as my corpse.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The heart monitor sounded and the room froze. It picked up and I opened my eyes.

“Holy sh-” Kenny started to say. I did just as Janice told me to. I grabbed him and kissed him. If my family didn’t know I was gay, they did now. Kenny pulled back.

“Don’t scare me like that.” Kenny said, resting his forehead on mine. I chuckled.

“Will you be my birthday present?” I asked quietly. He nodded and kissed me again. I didn’t care that my family was right there. I was going to be happy before I died, whenever that day may be. All I knew then was that I wasn’t going to give up. I had Kenny. I wasn’t going to let go. He loved me.