PostSecret

An investigation inspired by the Post Secret entry “When no one is looking, I walk up the stairs on “All-Fours”! (And I’m 30 years old)”

On the twenty fifth of May, two thousand and three, Linda-Anne Riley confessed to a psychologist that she derived great pleasure from dropping to her hands and knees at the foot of the stairs and crawling up the steps like a toddler. She confessed that an observer such as the bored housewife next door who spent much of her day gawping through a window, could interpret a great deal about her state of mind in her childlike actions. When “filled with optimism and plans for revolution” in her own words, she bounded up the stairs like a puppy given a concentrated shot of caffeine. When she was subdued, believing “revolution would never arrive”, she approached her childish endeavour rather differently. She crawled slowly, hands trailing the carpet, knees placed sombrely placed on each step with a sense of foreboding, like an old dog searching for somewhere to die. The bored housewife, who under hypnotism Linda-Anne revealed had received several visits from the plumber who on each occasion had done very little plumbing, had taken to ushering her tidy children away when they happened to meet in the local chemist. Linda-Anne, perplexed that a psychological investigation had ever been necessary, pointed out that the Housewife had been at the shops collecting prescriptions for four varieties of anti depressants while she had simply been purchasing plasters for the wounds on bleeding knees following her sudden desire to climb the stairs in her usual fashion, with no clothes on.

On the evening of the twenty fifth of May, two thousand and three, the psychologist found herself alone in her comfortable suburban home and unnaturally energetic in the bath. Reflecting on the words of her patient, she clambered from the soapy water and jogged, naked to her staircase. In a burst of energy she dived to her knees, and raced up the stairs in a manner similar to her two year old grandson. Intrigued by the unique sense of freedom, happiness her immaturity had produced, she repeated this activity until she grew cold and felt it was appropriate to put some clothing on. She called her an old friend from university named Natalie Phelps, also a psychologist and shared her great discovery. Mrs. Phelps, unable to contain her excitement, squealed, dropped the telephone and began to crawl up the stairs immediately.

On the twenty sixth of May, two thousand and three, Natalie Phelps began prescribing her discovery to depressed patients. She told them, should they feel the urge to kill themselves, simply to approach the stairs like a small child or excited puppy. By the same date the following year, suicide rates had fallen in her practice by three hundred and fifty nine percent. In fact, only two men, Mr. Cole Scott Langly and Mr. Alexander Moore had committed suicide in that particular town. Both had lived in bungalows.

On the fourteenth of September two thousand and four, Natalie Phelps was invited to attend a government debate over the treatment of mental health patients on account of astonishing drop in suicide rates in her town. She explained the advice given to her by her friend, Linda-Anne's psychologist and advised that those in power introduced it as a recognized treatment in psychiatric care across the country. Within moments, there was a buzz of activity as ministers rushed for the door of their debating chamber. Discarding briefcases in the corridors, they sprinted for the nearest staircase and fell rather spectacularly to their knees. A wave of men in tearing suits clambered uncoordinatedly up polished stairs, alarming the cleaners and foreign visitors being escorted around the parliament building. The Prime Minister, a Mr. William Thurmond was observed bashing a minister with a briefcase in order to advance the steps at greater speed. This continued for several hours, until the cabinet reassumed their positions within the debating chamber. A law was passed unanimously that, with Lottery funding, stairs were to be built for public use in every park in the country. The Prime Minister, Mr. Thurmond who had been gulping from a hip flask each time he advanced a step, declared that stairs were the "savoir of humanity", before falling over. There was a general clamour over who would instruct the paramedics called for him, on the British government's radical new approach to stair climbing.

The following February, the stairs in the government offices had to be completely rebuilt due to the exuberant bounding of MPs. Meanwhile, Mr. Thurmond ceremoniously cut the ribbon at the opening of no less than two hundred and three public use stairs placed in the centre of local parks. Soon after, wheelchair users protested that they were being denied the pleasure of crawling up stairs. Equal rights groups became agitated and threatened a lawsuit, until an inventor named Lupe Sawneech invented the inverted, bouncing stair lift.

In mid March two thousand and five, several conscientious objectors demonstrated outside the rebuilt government headquarters claiming that they deserved recognition as a minority group due to their refusal to climb stairs on their knees. They were granted the official title of "Those Sort of People". Among them was Linda-Anne's housewife neighbour who having nothing interesting to watch now that stair crawling was commonplace, had ventured into the world of politics. She began a support group for "Those Sort of People" which was attended by no less than four such individuals. By June twenty third, all four were dead. Alarmed by the consequences of tackling the stairs in the strange manner employed by the support group, the government passed a law making it a punishable offence to climb the stairs using less than four limbs.

Linda-Anne Riley, who had developed incredibly thick skin on her kneecaps, no longer had any need to venture from her house to purchase plasters. She had not left her house in several years and was greatly alarmed when two armed officers arrived on her doorstep to inspect her use of the stairs. However, on demonstrating her technique (it was a good day, and she bounded), they left satisfied. They did however request the use of her stairs for several minutes, as they were beginning to suffer withdrawal symptoms.

At a world leader's summit, the Prime Minister introduced the UK's stair climbing phenomenon. Every country except America signed up for tuition on how to manage their population's stair climbing habits. The President insisted that climbing the stairs using four limbs would be impossible whilst holding a firearm.

On the twenty ninth of September two thousand and seventeen, Natalie Phelps was awarded a Nobel Prize for her services to her country and revolutionizing mental health treatment. She accepted her award giving thanks to her long dead physiologist friend who she cited as her inspiration and informant. The audience wept as she recounted her first voyage naked up the stairs on all fours with the phone off the hook and abandoned on the carpet.

Twenty three days later, Linda Anne Riley died peacefully in her sleep. Those called to remove the body balanced the coffin on their backs and crawled sombrely down the stairs. It is said that one remarked that, since she was relatively young and certainly dead, she could not have indulged in stair climbing to her full potential.