Give In, Let Go

“Get out!”, I screamed at him. “Take your shit and get out!”

Of course, he didn’t comply. He just stood there, staring at me with an unfocused gaze. This had been the fourth day in a row when he had come home drunk and sweaty, and I just knew he had been out fucking some slut. But today had been the final straw. He’d actually had the nerve to bring one of those filthy bitches to our house.

And I couldn’t take it anymore. It was obvious he didn’t love me. Well, he didn’t love me enough to stay faithful. No, I was never enough for him. And it broke my heart. It broke my heart that he felt like he had to sneak around behind my back to find what he was looking for.

“Get the fuck out of my house, you bastard!”, I screamed. I scanned the immediate area, searching for something to throw at him. I snatched a vase from the table in the foyer and dumped the contents on the floor, and brandished it at his head.

“Whoa there, Kara. There’s no need for violence.”, he slurred. He held his hands up to protect his head. “Just put the vase down and let’s talk about this rationally.”

“Talk?”, I asked. “You never want to talk. The only thing you ever want to do is go out and fuck a random slut every night.”

“Kara, you know that’s not true.”

“Don’t you fucking lie to me!”, I shouted. “I’m not an idiot! You come home every day, stinking of alcohol and cheap perfume. Why? Why do you do it? If you want a fuck, why do you have to leave to get it? Why don’t you come to me? Am I not good enough for you, Zack?”

“Kara-”

“No! Get the hell out of my house. And don’t ever come back. Go and live with one of your precious whores.”

“Kara-”

“No!” I gripped the neck of the vase more tightly in my hand. “I don’t want to hear your excuses anymore! Just leave. I don’t ever want to see your face again.”

“Kara, I’m not leaving.”

“Get out!”, I screamed again, hurling the vase at his head. It was a pretty good shot, I’d always had a pretty good aim. But he ducked just in time, and the vase flew over his head and smashed against the wall. He scrambled for the door, finally getting the message.

I stared at the broken shards of glass littering the floor, each piece glittering sadly. Each tiny fragment reminded me of my heart, and the current state Zacky had left it in. Soon I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. This was what I expected. This is what always happened. Zack and I would fight, sometimes he’d leave, and I’d cry either way. And often times our fights got to be so violent that our neighbors were forced to summon the police to our house.

But none of that mattered now. My relationship with Zacky was over, and I thought I would be happy. Happy to be rid of the man who made my life an emotional hell. But this wasn’t how I wanted our relationship to end. Because I knew, deep down in my heart, that I loved Zacky.

At one point in our relationship, I had the crazy notion that we would be together forever.

Forever. It’s supposed to mean never-ending. Well, I guess I missed the definition change. Because for Zacky and I, forever only lasted two and a half years.

What happened to us?

We used to be so happy. So...in love. I remember how Zacky would always go out of his way to see that I was content. But then, he just stopped caring. About me, that is. His band started to get recognized, and he took up the rockstar’s lifestyle. Partying, drinking, and fucking groupies. While I sat at home, alone, waiting for him to come back.

I quickly cleaned up the shattered glass. It would take a lot longer and a lot more effort to mend my shattered heart. It wouldn’t be easy, either. Because, as I’m sure quite a few people know, it’s not easy to get over your first love.

But why was I stupid enough to think Zacky loved me? Well, maybe he did at first, but that has certainly changed. I just wish I knew what had happened to make it change. Or maybe it was better not to know. Or maybe I was just scared to admit that Zack never loved me at all.

. . .

Three days passed, and I’ve gotten no signs of contact from Zacky. I guess he finally got what I was trying to tell him and left forever. But the truth was, I didn’t want him to leave. Not forever.

Why?

Why did I still want him? After all the shit he’s put me through, I should hate him. I would have every right to. He’s lied and cheated. But for some reason I don’t. I can’t understand why not. I want to hate Zack, but I just can’t. I love him, and I want him to love me.

No.

I really need to suck it up. My relationship with Zacky wasn’t going anywhere. It was unhealthy, and I knew it. And I needed to do the right thing. Drop my unhealthy habits and go on with my life. And that would mean saying goodbye to Zacky forever.

The next day, Zacky finally called. He was sober, for once. He tried relentlessly to convince me to take him back. He told me he was lost without me, couldn’t live without me. But I saw right through his bullshit. So I gave him an ultimatum. He could have me, or his lifestyle. Not both. And if he wasn’t going to choose me, I needed to know now.

“Kara, I can’t choose between you and Avenged Sevenfold.”, he stated. “The guys-”

“Bullshit, Zack. If you love me like you say you do, this really isn’t a choice at all.”

“Kara, please-”

“No, Zack. You need to choose. Me or your lifestyle. And you’d better decide quickly.”

“But Kara-”

“No fucking excuses! Let me know tomorrow, Zack. If I don’t hear from you by then, I’ll already know what you’ve decided.”

I hung up on him, blocking out any more bullshit he would try to push at me. I retreated to my room and cried. Because I knew what Zacky would choose. But I needed to this to be official, so I wouldn’t be fucking up my life unnecessarily.

By four o’clock the next day, I still hadn’t heard from Zacky. My heart was growing heavy by the minute. He was too chicken to face me and tell me he didn’t love me anymore. Didn’t I at least deserve that?

My phone sprang to life on the counter, but I decided not to answer it, knowing I was too upset to say a word to anyone. The voice mail picked up, and the voice I heard next surprised me a little.

“Kara? It’s Zack. I wish you would answer your phone, because I have something really important to tell you. Do you think you could meet me down at the pier? And hurry, I can’t wait for very long. I love you, Kara.”

I love you? When was the last time he’d said that to me and actually meant it?

I found Zack standing where he’d asked me to meet him, on the end of the pier. The first thing I noticed was the expression on his face, pain and sorrow. His green eyes sparkled when he laid eyes on me, walking toward him with my heart on my sleeve.

“Kara...”, he breathed. “When you asked me to decide between you and my ‘lifestyle’, at first I didn’t know which to choose. But after thinking about it for awhile, I realized that the choice was obvious.”

I felt the tears welling in my eyes, my heart on the verge of breaking. I stared at him somberly, wanting to witness the look on his face when he told me he was leaving and never coming back. Would he be happy? Or would he be heartbroken, as I was?

“You.”

I never thought such a small, insignificant word would ever have such a huge impact on my life. At first I thought I had heard him wrong? He was choosing me? Maybe he really did love me after all.

“Being away from you made me realize how much I love you. And I do. I love you, Kara. No matter what you think. And I can’t promise I’m going to change completely. I can’t promise I’ll never drink again, and I can’t promise I’ll always be home when I say I will. But one thing I can promise is...I will never cheat on you again. I saw how much that breaks your heart, and I can’t stand it. Kara, I know I’ve been an asshole, a shithead, and a dick. But there’s still something I have to ask from you.” He took a small pause, inhaling deeply, and it suddenly came to my attention that he was shaking. “Kara, will you marry me?” He withdrew a small black box from his pocket and opened it to reveal a shining diamond ring.

“Zack...” I took a slight step back from him. “I-I-”

“Kara, if you don’t want to marry me, just tell me. I’ll understand.”

I looked from the ring to Zack’s face, his eyes glistening with fresh tears. I knew I would be breaking his heart if I told him no, but what else could I do? I couldn’t really believe he could put me through all that shit, and then turn around and tell me loved me, would never cheat on me again. But...he seemed so sincere. And I wanted to give him a second chance.

“Zack...I would love to marry you.”

“Really?”, he whispered.

I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he really did want this. “Yes, really.”

Zacky slid the ring onto my finger and scooped me into his arms. God, it felt good to finally be back where I belonged. Zack and I fit together perfectly. It seemed I made the right decision in not cutting him out of my life.

“Zacky, you absolutely promise you won’t ever cheat on me again?”

“Of course. And if I do, you have permission to cut off my dick.”

I laughed out loud. This was the Zacky I loved. The one who made me laugh, the one who always knew what to say. And most importantly, the one who would always cherish me. Hell, I was counting on that.

“I love you, Kara.” His hushed words fell over my ear and I shivered. “Don’t you ever forget that.”