How Planets are Made

I know what you’re going to say: “But I know how planets are made! Out in space molten rock…” blah blah blah. Because that’s what you were told when you asked when you were young enough to care and old enough to remember what you were told the next day. But it’s not true! They don’t want anyone to know the real story. They don’t want to scare you. But I don’t really care about that. I’ll tell you the real story.

In the beginning of time, when God first created Earth he also created McDonalds. Yes, it’s true. God put McDonalds here. Do not ask me why; I do not have the answer. I only know that he expected us to use it properly. Some people do not. They are punished.

One man comes to mind as I am writing this. The man I call McDonalds Man. McDonalds Man was not like Super Man or Spider Man, no, though he was very large. This was because the only thing he ate every day was food he had gotten from McDonalds. Now, you would think that this kind of diet would make one ill; this is not so. It does, however, make one very fat. And this man was very fat, very fat indeed. For his whole life he had been fat and every day he seems to gain more and more and more. Until that day.

On that day this man had gone to his favorite McDonalds, just like every other day except this was not every other day; this was his last day. By this time, McDonald’s man had gotten so fat that even his eyelids were fat and he could no longer open his eyes. This is why he did not see the hole in the parking lot. Oh yes, just a hole. It had been there since the time the McDonalds had appeared. But this man was as stupid as he was fat and had forgotten about the hole and stepped right in it. He came tumbling down, face first. Now that would had been the end of the whole thing, had this been the day before; if it had been the day before the man would have been one billionth of an inch flatter and would not have rolled so well. But that is not the case. The man fell and rolled. He rolled and rolled, picking up dirt and twigs and trash along the way. He got bigger and bigger like a dirty snowball and he eventually got big enough that he started picking up small animals and bicycles and then big enough for cars and houses. And the whole way he was picking up speed. Eventually he came to a mountain and he rolled the whole way up, but this time he did not come down. He had broken out of the earth’s gravitational pull! He flew out in space at the speed of light until billions of years later he had to stop. By this time all of the metal that had attached itself to him had melted, holding everything together. And thus, a planet was born!