Faithfully

She didn’t show any weakness for the rest of the day, keeping it quiet at dinner and putting up a front, laughing with my mom and teasing my dad. It wasn’t until later that night that I was passing her room that I heard her crying. I hesitated, before opening the door and walking in, silently sitting next to her and wrapping my arms around her, cradling her tiny frame, her sobs wracking her body as she cried into my shoulder.

She stayed with me, not returning to school when she was supposed to. The only thing she said was that it would hurt too much to try to pretend like this wasn’t happening, and going to school wouldn’t help anyone. I had nodded, and my parents, who were now aware of what was going on, welcomed her to stay for as long as she wanted. She called her dad and he told her he was coming home immediately. She talked him out of it, telling him that she refused to be the cause of his coming home and ruining his vacation.

“I am an adult now, Father. I can take care of myself, and I will be perfectly safe with Jack and his family. I absolutely will not talk to you if you come home. Please listen to me and grant me what I want. I wish for you to stay on your vacation.”

It killed me to watch her slip away. There would be moments where I would look at her and see the girl who was going to be on Broadway, and then she would cough and it would rack her body until all I could see was the frail girl who was going to die.

I hated thinking, hearing, or speaking that word. Anytime I heard it I wanted to punch a wall and break down and cry at the same time. My best friend was going to die, she was going to leave and she wasn’t going to come back. And there was nothing I could do about it. We were helpless, forced to watch as she slipped through our fingers.

She proposed the idea at breakfast one day, while we were eating alone. My parents had gone off to work, and we were sitting there, in comfortable silence, when she broke it with her idea.

“I want to travel the coast of California.” She said it calmly and casually, as if she was mentioning the weather or that she liked the shirt I was wearing.

“You want to what?” I asked, my eyebrows coming together in confusion and worry.

“I want to travel the coast of California. I want to go with you and travel all the way down to the bottom.” She continued to eat, keeping her eyes trained on her bowl of cereal, not looking at me.

“Estella, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” I was fully aware of her ticking clock, the one that would take her from me when it was time. I had been keeping track of the weeks, subconsciously, I think. I knew she didn’t have much time left, maybe a little more than a month.

She waved her hand dismissively, finally looking up at me.

“I’ve fully thought this through, Jack. It’s not a spur of the moment idea, I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now. I have it all planned out. I found a map and I mapped out our route. I have it all figured out. By the time we reach the bottom, we will have spent exactly six weeks traveling.”

Six weeks. She was very aware of her ticking biological clock as well.

“Estella…”

“Please, Jack. It’s what I want. I want to spend the last weeks…with you, seeing my home state. Living a little.” She pleaded softly, looking directly into my eyes and begging with them. I closed my eyes, unable to think with her eyes peering into my soul.

“Fine. We’ll go.” I said, exhaling and opening my eyes. I couldn’t say no to her. It just wasn’t possible, not when she was in this condition and I could make her smile by saying yes. She beamed at me from across the table, getting up and walking over to my side, hugging me as tightly as she could.

“Thank you.” She whispered quietly, kissing the top of my head before going to sit back down, glowing like an excited child. I smiled, glad that she was happy. It was the least I could do for it. It was all I could do for her. That killed me.