Faithfully

“So, where are we headed?” I asked. She pulled out the map, biting her lip as she tried to read it.

“We’ve already passed through the first four cities, so we should be arriving in Eureka in about two hours.” She informed me, folding the map back up. I smiled. We had already made it through the first day without any trouble.

We made it to Eureka in good time, and we stopped for a quick bite to eat and called out parents. My parents asked tons of questions about her health and how safe I was keeping her, and I reassured them that there were no problems, that Estella was fine.

As we were leaving, a little girl ran into the diner, throwing the door open and running into Estella. Estella stumbled back and the girl looked up at her, wide eyed and apologetic.

“Sorry!” The young girl squeaked.

“That’s alright.” Estella said, straightening herself up and smiling at the girl. Her parents rushed in after her, quickly speaking apologies and pulling the young girl away. Estella waved at the girl as we walked out, watching her with a wistful look.

“You alright?” I asked, reaching out to steady her in case she stumbled again. She nodded, sighing tragically and moving back towards the truck. We sat in the car, driving in silence.

This worried me. Normally Estella was chattering away, filling the truck with nonsense about things I didn’t know.

“Hey, are you sure you’re alright?” I asked, glancing at her quickly. She bit her bottom lip, hesitating.

“It’s silly, really.”

“Go ahead, tell me.”

“You have to promise to not laugh.” She said, looking up at me with a glare that told me she was completely serious.

“I promise, no laughing.” I said, holding up my right hand. She sat back in her seat, pausing before speaking.

“I’ve always wanted a big family. I’m an only child, you know, and while it did have its perks, it was quite boring most of the time. My father is allergic to most pets, so getting a dog or a cat was out of the question. I spent most of my time alone, which I suppose led to my obsession with Broadway. I thought that when I grew up and got married, I was going to have a large family, with lots of kids, so they would never be lonely. Seeing that little girl just made me think of what I won’t have, that’s all. Like I said, it’s silly.” Estella spoke quickly, shrugging casually at the end as if it hadn’t really bothered her.

“That’s not silly, Estella.” I said, glancing over at her. I wasn’t sure what else to say. I couldn’t think of anything comforting to say to her. We both knew that there was no way she could have children anymore, there was no denying that. It fell silent, and we both stared ahead out at the road, grasping for something to say and unable to think of anything.

“You’re going to have to start looking out for an exit into Fortuna soon,” Estella said, grabbing the map and opening it up, finding our route and our subject change.

“Alright.”

We drove in silence for awhile, reaching Fortuna before either one of us spoke again. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but I knew what was running through my mind.

There was no doubt in my mind that I loved Estella. But loving someone and being in love with someone were two totally different things. I had never even considered the possibility of being in love with her. It had never occurred to me. But now that I thought about it…

I glanced over at her. She was staring straight ahead, her forehead crinkled like it always was when she was deep in thought. She was biting on her bottom lip and her hands were tapping on her leg like she did when she was nervous. I studied her face for a few seconds.

She was thinner than she had been before she left for New York, and I knew that was because of the disease. But that was the only thing that had changed. She was still the same girl I had met seven years ago in biology class who cut up the frog and talked about herself all at the same time. Nothing about her personality had changed, she was still headstrong and determined and beautiful and stubborn. She was still my Estella.

She glanced up at me and I looked away quickly, staring back at the road. I could feel my face start to heat up, and I focused on driving, trying to clear my thoughts. Now was not the time to be contemplating this. Now was not the time to be considering whether or not I was in love with my best friend. If I were going to be honest with myself, I would be able to admit that there was no reason for contemplation or consideration because the answer had been clear since I was 13 years old, but now was not the time to be honest.

We drove through Fortuna within an hour, both of us deciding that there was no need to stop for anything. We drove for the rest of the day, only stopping once or twice to pick up food or go to the bathroom. By the time it was late enough to stop driving again, we had reached Santa Rosa. It wasn’t nearly as late as last time, but both Estella and I agreed that it was better to be safe than sorry.

I pulled in the nearest motel and left Estella in the car, going to check into another room. The guy behind the counter handed me a card, telling me where the room was with a bored expression and flat tone of voice. I thanked him, leaving the lobby and moving back to the truck, helping Estella out and grabbing our bags. I handed her the card and told her where it was, and then followed her as she scampered around, searching for the room.

When we finally found it, she was worn out and tired. I frowned, opening the door for her and letting her in first. She wasn’t as energetic as usual.

“You alright?” I asked, watching her carefully as I set the bags down near the door. She nodded, sitting down on the bed and catching her breath.

“I just don’t have all the energy like I used to, that’s all. No need to worry, Jack, I’ll be fine in a moment. I just have to catch my breath. I’ll be fine.” Estella smiled up at me, the effort apparent in the way it didn’t reach all the way up to her eyes. I moved to sit down next to her, my hands in my lap. She rested her head on my shoulder, inhaling and exhaling with difficulty. I couldn’t help but feel my anger rising. This wasn’t fair. I wanted to run outside and shout to the world that it wasn’t fair that she was dying. I wanted to bargain with someone, anyone, and tell them to take me, not her. She didn’t deserve this. This wasn’t fair.

Instead of shouting or punching a wall or a person, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, rubbing her arm comfortingly. When she finally caught her breath, she smiled up at me, her eyes twinkling with the happiness of her smile. I smiled back, but I knew it wasn’t as genuine as hers. She stood up, moving to her bag and grabbing her pajamas and toothbrush, going into the bathroom to brush her teeth and change.

I took this time to change myself, getting out of my jeans and slipping into a pair of basketball shorts, taking off my shoes and putting them by the door. I got into the bed, laying above the covers, turning on the TV to fill the silent room with noise.

When Estella came out again, she moved into the bed, lying next to me. She looked really exhausted, so I turned off the TV and pushed the covers back so she could crawl under them. She did so, giving me a grateful, tired smile. I moved under the covers as well, lying so I was looking at her. She moved closer to me, shivering slightly.

“Are you cold?” I asked, frowning slightly. She nodded.

“Just a little. Do you mind? You’re quite warm.” She said, moving a bit closer. I shook my head, letting her know it was okay. She pressed against me, curling into me and burying her face in my chest. I hesitated before wrapping one arm around her, holding her close.

“Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you sing for me? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s just that I’ve been having a hard time falling asleep lately, and my mom used to sing for me whenever I couldn’t fall asleep, and I have been missing her a lot lately. You don’t have to, I feel like I’ve already pushed you to do so much for me. Never mind. Pretend I didn’t ask.”

I chuckled. Even if she was losing energy, Estella still talked in paragraphs.

“It’s okay. I won’t be very good.” I warned her, glancing down at her. Her face was still buried in my chest, but I could hear the smile in her voice.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

I thought for a moment, trying to think of a song to sing.

Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper I love you, birds singing in the sycamore tree, dream a little dream of me, I sang quietly, staring over her head towards the wall. I could feel her starting to relax, so I continued to sing. Say nighty-night and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you miss me, while I’m alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me.

Soon her back was rising and falling in a steady pattern, and I could tell she was asleep. I smiled at her. She looked peaceful, as if there was nothing in the world that was going to stop her. I closed my eyes, humming softly until I fell asleep, dreams filled with an endless road and an immortal Estella.