Faithfully

We sat on the bench for a little while longer before she felt well enough to walk again. We stood up and lazily made our way back to the truck, pointing out various landmarks and celebrity houses on our way. We grabbed a bite to eat before going back to the truck, and Estella pulled out the map, her eyes lighting up as she saw where we were going next.

“Anaheim,” She breathed, looking up at me. I looked at her in confusion; the name didn’t ring any bells. Her eyes widened as she realized I didn’t know what that was.

“Anaheim? Anaheim, California? Disneyland?” My eyebrows rose and I grinned widely.

“No way.” She grinned widely, nodding enthusiastically.

“Yes way. We have to go.” She said, hopping into the truck and buckling up with more energy than I had seen her have in a long time. I jumped into the driver’s seat, buckling up and starting the car quickly. In all my years of living in California, I had only been to Disneyland once when I was five years old. I don’t remember much about it but I knew that it was one of the best experiences of my life. This was going to be amazing.

Estella couldn’t sit still. We still had a good three hours before we even got to Anaheim, but she was fidgeting and bouncing and looking out the window every ten minutes. I couldn’t help but laugh quietly. She turned to look at me.

“What’s so funny?”

“You.” I said, flashing a cheeky grin before turning back to the road. She shook her head but smiled anyway, her excitement too much to let her stay mad at me. She calmed down a bit, reducing her movement to a slight bouncing in her seat. I chuckled, shaking my head slightly. I had to admit, her excitement was contagious. By the time we started seeing signs that told us Anaheim was less than 100 miles away, I was bouncing in my seat a little. We reached the outskirts of Anaheim at 7 o’clock, and we both decided that we would wait until tomorrow to go to Disneyland. We wanted a full day there.

We checked into a little motel just inside the city limits, grabbing our bags and walking up to the room. It had two beds, which was something we hadn’t encountered yet. We glanced at each other and reluctantly put our bags on the beds, claiming one each. Deciding that it was too early to call it a night, we walked back out to the truck. We got in, pulling out of the parking lot to drive around the city for awhile. As we got closer to the downtown, we both realized something. Although Disneyland may be the happiest place on Earth, Anaheim was the farthest thing from it. On every street corner, there were at least five girls walking around but not really going anywhere, if you know what I mean. There was a lot of homeless people, sitting on the ledges of buildings and on the curbs, begging for money or stoned out of their minds. I turned the truck around, heading back towards the motel. As we started driving, I noticed that Estella began nodding off, falling asleep. I felt a little worried. Normally Estella was bouncing around with energy, but lately she had been less energetic. I knew in my heart that it was just the disease getting to her, but I didn’t want to admit it out loud. I didn’t want to think about anything that had to do with her dying.

We arrived at the motel and I got out, gently lifting her from her seat and cradling her in my arms, gently so as not to wake her. As we walked up the stairs, she began to stir, and then cough, shaking violently in my arms.

“Estella! Estella, please, what’s wrong, what’s going on?” I started to panic, not sure what was happening. “I’m going to take you to a doctor, okay?” I turned to walk down the stairs, when her coughing began to subside and she shook her head, tugging at my shoulders.

“No, I don’t want to go to the doctor’s.” She choked out, wriggling to get out of my arms. I kept holding her, not sure if she was able to stand.

“Estella, it would be best for you to go,” I said, standing in the hallway of the motel. She shook her head again.

“I can’t go. If I go, they’ll keep me there until I die, Jack. I…can’t give up now. Please, Jack. I promise. Tomorrow I’ll go. After we go to Disneyland.” She looked up at me, her eyes pleading. I sighed, caving.

“As soon as we leave Disneyland, I’m taking you to the nearest doctor, Estella.” I said firmly. She nodded, smiling gently.

“Thank you, Jack.” She said softly, nestling back in my arms, closing her eyes. She sneezed again, shivering slightly. I took that as my cue to take her inside the room, laying her down gently on her bed. She crawled under the blankets and I kissed her forehead gently, grabbing my pajamas and moving to the bathroom, changing into them. I sighed, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I knew it was completely selfish of me to keep Estella with me, even if it was just for one more day. The logical part of my brain told me that she needed to go to a doctor immediately; that keeping her with me was wrong. The immature part of me kept crying out just one more day, one more day, please.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. Tomorrow morning, I promised myself. If she looked worse, I would take her in the morning. I brushed my teeth and then walked back into the room. Estella was fast asleep, her hair fanned out around her face and her lips curled into a peaceful smile. It frightened me to see her like that, so still and fragile. It reminded me that soon she would be lying like that, but she wouldn’t wake up again. I felt so helpless. I looked up at the ceiling, pleading silently. If there was a way for me to trade places with her, I would do it in a heartbeat. My future had nowhere to go. Once this trip was over, I was going to go back home and take over my father’s business, grow up and pass it on to someone else. It was routine, mundane, it had no promise. But Estella, oh Estella had a future. She could have had a future. She would have gone on to become a star, one of the brightest and the best. She would have grown up and married some other star, and lived a life of amazing things. It wasn’t fair that I got to live while she had to die. It wasn’t fair.

Exhaling, I crawled into my bed. It felt colder than any of the other beds, and I knew that was because Estella wasn’t there. I sighed, rolling over and lying on my stomach, closing my eyes. I was tired of feeling angry. I just wanted to sleep now.

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a gentle pressure on my arm. I stirred, groaning slightly as I woke up. I looked up to see Estella hovering near my bed.

“Jack?” I nodded, rubbing my eyes.

“What’s the matter?” I asked sleepily, looking up at her.

“Nothing, I just…this is a bit silly, but, would you mind if I slept with you? It just feels weird being in a bed alone and this is the last night and I just don’t want to spend it alone.” I shuffled over immediately, holding open the blanket so she could crawl in. She did so quickly, curling up next to me.

“Thank you.” She murmured, kissing my cheek.

“You’re welcome.”

“Jack?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.” I smiled slightly, kissing the top of her head.

“I love you too, Estella.” Her tiny arms wrapped around my waist and she pulled herself closer to me, nestling close before falling asleep again. I smiled again, wrapping my arms around her gently before falling asleep.

The next morning I woke up early, around 7. I glanced down at Estella, who was sleeping peacefully. I smiled slightly, kissing her forehead. Might as well get up, I thought, gently letting go of Estella and crawling out of the bed. I grabbed some clean clothes and went into the bathroom, taking a shower. I began debating with myself. Estella looked normal, but what was normal for Estella would be sick for anyone else. I knew that if I took her to the doctor, which was the right thing, she would hate me, but if I took her to Disneyland and something happened, I would hate myself. I sighed, rinsing off. I knew what my choice was. It was obvious and there was no point in arguing with myself anymore.

I dried off and got dressed, brushing my teeth to prolong having to put my decision in action. Maybe if Estella has time to think, she’ll make the decision for me, and I won’t have to. I thought hopefully, but in the back of my mind I knew there was no point. Estella had her mind made up.

I walked out of the bathroom to find her sitting on the bed, a clean change of clothes in her lap. She looked at me when I walked out of the bathroom, and she beamed.

“I’ll be quick, I promise.” She said, getting off the bed and walking into the bathroom. I nodded, taking a seat on the bed. I ran my fingers through my hair, closing my eyes. I reached for my cell phone and dialed speed dial two, putting the phone up to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mom.”

“Jack, honey! How are you? How is Estella?”

“I’m fine, she’s fine. We’re in Anaheim. We’re going to Disneyland today.” I said with a slight smile.

“Oh, that sounds wonderful! Have fun and be careful, Jack. It’s hot out there. Don’t let Estella get too worn out.” She said, and I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me.

“I won’t, Mom.”

“Alright. Call me when you get back to a hotel, alright?”

“I will. Love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

I hung up the phone and exhaled, looking up at the ceiling again.

Just keep her safe today. Just one more day. That’s all I’m asking. I thought, closing my eyes.

“Ready?” Estella chirped from the bathroom door, and I opened my eyes, nodding. I slipped on my shoes and she slipped on hers and I smiled at her. She looked so excited; more excited than I had seen her in awhile. We packed up our bags and I carried them both out to the truck. After checking out, we got into the truck and I started it up, pulling out of the parking lot and headed towards Disneyland.

We arrived at the park pretty quickly, driving through the parking lot and parking pretty close to the park. I got out of the truck and helped Estella out, taking her small hand into mine. She laced our fingers together and we began walking towards the entrance to the park. I paid for our tickets and we entered the park, both of us in awe.

“It’s beautiful.” Estella breathed, stopping and taking everything in. I looked around, nodding in agreement. It was like a little kid’s dream come true. You couldn’t not be happy here. It radiated happiness, and joy, and content. I smiled widely, laughing. It was amazing.

“Come on, Jack, we have so much to do!” Estella exclaimed, taking my hand and tugging me down the main street. I laughed again, following her.

We did almost everything. We rode almost everything; we saw all the shows and ate all the food we could. The entire time Estella was practically glowing. I hadn’t seen her this happy since freshman year of high school. Her face was lit up; shining with the brightest smile I had ever seen her wear. It made me happy to see her this happy.

“I’m glad this was the last day, Jack.” She told me as we stood near the castle, waiting for the final performance of the night. I looked down at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re going to take me to the doctor’s after this. I won’t be here much longer. But this was the best last day ever.” She said, smiling widely. I felt my stomach clench and my heart sink.

“You’re welcome, Estella.” I said quietly, kissing the top of her head.

“Oh, Jack. I’m a little dizzy, can we sit down?” She asked suddenly, gripping onto my arm tightly. I felt my chest tighten and I nodded, searching around for the nearest bench. I quickly started moving towards an empty bench, half-carrying Estella.

“Please hang on, please, please, please,” I mumbled, walking as fast as I could to the bench. I turned to look at her and she collapsed, crumpling on the ground. A few people gasped, and I rushed over to her. There were shouts of ‘someone call an ambulance!’ but they were all faint in the background. I knelt next to her, pulling her upper half up in my arms.

“Estella? Estella, listen to me, please, Estella, open your eyes!” I shouted, gently shaking her. The crowd around us parted for the paramedics, but I couldn’t let go of her.

“Sir, please, we need to get her to the hospital.” One of them said, prying my arms out from around her. I stood up shakily, following them.

“I’m coming with you.” I said fiercely, and they glanced at each other.

“Alright.” They caved, setting Estella onto a stretcher and putting her into the back of the ambulance. I followed quickly, almost in a daze. This felt like some horrible dream, and any moment I would wake up and see Estella smiling at me, telling me to wake up because we had to get going.

“Is there anything about her we should know?” One of the paramedics asked, while the others hooked Estella up to machines. I nodded.

“She has AIDS.” I mumbled, staring at her. She looked so different, like a washed-out version of the girl I knew. Her skin was pale, almost white, and she was being hooked up to so many machines she looked like some sort of robot, not a human.

The rest of the ride was like a blur. The only thing I remember was the machine that was keeping track of her heartbeat kept beeping regularly, letting me know she was still alive.

When we pulled up to the hospital, they took her out of the car and I followed them, the only thing running through my mind was to stay with Estella. I had to stay with her.

“You have to wait here.” A nurse said, keeping me in the waiting room. I shook my head, coming out of my daze.

“I have to go in there with her.” I said, moving towards the hallway where they were wheeling Estella.

“Not now. You have to stay here and wait. You can go in there soon, but you have to stay in here now or else I have to kick you out.” She said sternly. I felt myself become drained of energy, suddenly I felt really tired. I sighed, nodding and taking a seat in the waiting room. I buried my face in my hands, shaking slightly. I was terrified. I was more scared than I had ever been, than I ever would be. I had known this day was coming, but it always seemed so far off, a distant dread, not anything close. But it was here, it was happening, she was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it.

“Sir? You can go see her now.” The nurse said from behind the counter. “She’s in room 117, down that hall and to your left.” I stood up quickly, running down the hallway. I opened the door, entering the room. There was a doctor standing by the bed, in front of her.

“Who are you?” The doctor asked me, turning around when I walked in.

“My name is Jack. Jack Reed. I’m her boyfriend.” I said, my heart racing.

“Well, Jack, we normally don’t allow non-family members into the room, but I presume you’re the only one here with her?” I nodded quickly. “Then I suppose we can make an exception for you. Before you see her, there’s a few things I have to tell you. She’s stable for now, but we don’t expect her to recover. She’s not in any pain, but she hasn’t responded to any of us. You can stay with her as long as you’d like. Does she have any parents we can contact?” I nodded and realized I didn’t know her father’s number.

“You can call my mom. She’s the closest thing.” I mumbled, giving him my mother’s number. He nodded and thanked me and then stepped forward, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, son. I wish there was more we could do for her.” He said quietly, before leaving the room, closing the door behind him. I moved forward, finally seeing Estella.

She wasn’t hooked up to as many machines as before, just a heart monitor and an IV drip. Her hair was slightly messy, and I reached out, smoothing it for her. Her skin was still warm, and the heart monitor was beeping consistently, which was a small comfort. I pulled a chair up to the bed, sitting next to her. I reached out, taking her hand. Her eyes were closed, but her chest was rising and falling. It was like she was sleeping.

“Hey, Stella. It’s me, Jack. The doctor is calling my mom, who’s gonna call your dad. This is really scaring me, Estella. I mean, I guess I knew it was coming, but I didn’t realize it was so close. Well, I did, I just didn’t do anything about it. I wish I could have, Stella. I wish I could have done something for you. I’m so sorry, Estella. I feel like I failed you somehow. I don’t even know if you can hear me now, but I have to tell you this. I love you so much, Estella.” I said, feeling my voice choke up the more I talked. I kissed her hand softly, closing my eyes. “I love you, Estella. I hope wherever you go, you’re happy and you get a big stage to perform on every night.” I added, smiling slightly. She would like that.

When you take her, make sure you give her a stage. I thought, glancing up at the ceiling. I looked back down at her and gently squeezed her hand. She stirred and I felt my heart leap. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she looked over at me, smiling.

“Hey, Jack.” She said weakly. I blinked quickly, feeling tears start to well up in the corner of my eyes.

“Hey, Estella.”

“I know I’ve already asked a lot from you, but could I ask you one final favor?” I nodded.

“Of course. Anything.” I said quickly.

“Promise me you won’t forget me.”

“I promise. I’ll never forget you.” She smiled, looking so fragile and breakable.

“Good. I love you, Jack.” She said, closing her eyes again.

“I love you too, Estella.” I said quietly, feeling more helpless than I had ever felt before. I watched as she left a small smile on her lips, breathing out for the last time. The machine fell silent and her hand went limp in mine, and for the first time I started to cry, letting go of her hand and burying my face in my hands.

My parents paid for plane tickets to bring me and Estella’s body back to Adin. The plane ride was the worst part. I sat alone, staring out the window bitterly. When we arrived back, my dad greeted my solemnly, and my mom enveloped me in the biggest hug.

Estella’s funeral was a few days later. It was held in the church she attended with her father, and a surprisingly large amount of people showed up. It seemed that Estella had touched more people than she realized. It was open-casket, but I couldn’t look at her. I wanted my last memory of her to be of her alive, no matter how weak she had been then. Her father had asked me if I wanted to make a speech, but I declined. I wasn’t sure if I could stand up in front of everyone and talk about her without completely breaking down. A few people said a few words and then we all went to the cemetery where she was going to be buried.

It was a sunny day outside, which I knew would have made her happy if she would have been there to see it. She had liked the sun. I dropped a single red rose into the hole and watched as it landed on top of the sleek black casket. I stepped away and stood near my mother, feeling completely empty. It felt like this was a joke, like Estella was going to walk out of the church any second and laugh, telling me how silly I was to fall for her pranks. As they started shoveling dirt, I realized that it wasn’t a joke; that she wasn’t coming back, and for the second time, I started to cry. I buried my face in my mother’s shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. It was worse than when she actually died. It was like it hit me all of a sudden and I realized that she was never coming back and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

My mother told me to go sit in the church, to take time for myself to collect my thoughts and to mourn in peace. I walked numbly towards the brick church, and a light breeze whipped around me. It lifted my jacket and ruffled my hair, and it was gentle against my face. I looked up to the sky and felt the corners of my lips turn upwards.

Thank you. I thought, walking into the church. Keep her safe.