"Billie, This Is So Wrong, but I Love You."

It had been a few years since I found out Billie didn’t love me anymore. It made me so upset, and for a while I cut myself, turned anorexic and did drugs just to numb the pain. Which, I wish I didn’t do because now Jakob pays for that.

Jakob is my son. Billie is his father, a painful result of the night at Berkeley Hotel. Jakob is deformed because of my silly behaviour while I was pregnant. The drugs, anorexia and other things I did while I was pregnant almost made him a miscarriage, but no, he’s here now, different to any normal kid. Some days when I come home from work to see him crying about how the kids at school teased him that day I almost wish he had been a miscarriage. Maybe it would have been easier that way?

It was a horrible thing to wish, I understand that as well, but he’s full of so much pain for such a small boy. And he’s Billie’s son, so now I have a link to Billie forever. I can never forget him, because every time I look at Jakob, minus the deformities, he’s a spitting image of his father. That’s what hurts me the most. The fact that I’m slightly ashamed of my own son, and that Billie will never know about Jakob. He probably wouldn’t want to know him after the way he treated me. But then again, maybe he would?

"Clara?" My boss called out. I was working at the resort by day and restaurant by night.

"Yes?" I called through the lobby.

"You can leave early today. It’s going to be quiet."

I thanked her and began to pack up my things. I wanted to go home but at the same time I didn’t. I’d be forced to look at Jakob, sooth him as he cried to me about school. It was the same routine every single night. The thought of moving him to a special school crossed my mind, but then I had to deal with the reality. I would have to tell myself that Jakob was defiantly damaged, and I was still in some sort of denial about that, because it racked me with guilt. And better education always meant more money. Money was the only thing I was lacking. Well, money and Billie’s love. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I tried but it turned into another immense failure.

I began my trek to the bus stop all the while thinking of Billie. I could see the bay stretch out in front of me and I was drawn to it. Tears sprang behind my eyes. The bay in Berkeley was the last time I saw my Dad.

*Flashback*

"Look, Clara Bear. Look at the shark eggs, look at all the millions of shells."

Daddy and I were walking along our secluded bay. No one but some local fisherman had ever seen this area. There was a small boat ramp the fisherman had constructed over the years, a tiny dirt car park, and next to the boat ramp was a long stretch of rocks and millions of shells. It was beautiful, the sun was setting but the clouds were blocking it out, so all we could see was the magnificent rays that shone through the cracks. Nothing was on the horizon other than the ferry bringing visitors to the dock further around the islands. Daddy and I walked slowly along the rocks and shells, picking up the shark eggs that had rocked up onto the shore in storms. We continued around the little cliffs and dips until we found our special cliff. We sat under the slope of the cliff for hours, watching as the final rays from the sun shone through the clouds. Eventually the sun moved to the other side of the world and we were left in the summer darkness. The air had a frosty chill to it as we made our way back to the car. Walking the final centimetres the weather took a hold of us. It began to pour down, uncontrollably. So much so we couldn’t see the road ahead. Daddy tried to drive the best he could, but eventually gave in. A few seconds too late.

"Clara, I can’t keep driving. I’ll pull into this car park."

I mumbled an ‘ok’ in response. Daddy pulled into the car park, and put his foot heavily onto the brake. Accident, it wasn’t the brake he forced to the floor, it was the accelerator. We spend down the cliff, Daddy trying to pull on a park brake or something. It didn’t work, we continued to sail down the face, plunging into the sea. The water was so cold, I froze up. I tried to pop open my seat belt buckle and eventually succeeded, even though it stuck in the coldness. Daddy tried but stumbled with it. I tried to help him, but started to run out of oxygen. It was known to both of us the seat belt had stuck with the cold. He wasn’t going to be getting out.

"Go! Clara, quickly!" He mumbled to me, his voice muffled from the water. I kissed his cheek and threw open the car door, swimming to the surface. It wasn’t until I was safely on the shore, sitting weeping in the rain, that I saw the black figures circulating our car. Sharks. I knew that second my father was dead.

My mother eventually sent out a search crew for us, and they found me after a day. We had a funeral, and my mother tried to cope with the fact the love of her life was gone. It didn’t convince either of us, both of us could here her crying every night. To this day, I can’t help blaming myself. My mother killed herself shortly after my father’s death.

I walked along the beach, tears cascading down my cheeks. It had been so long, and I still blamed myself. Maybe I should have died with him, it might have been easier. As I walked along the waters edge memories of my parents flashed through my head. My mother had been a few weeks pregnant when she killed herself. It was still a mystery to us if she knew it or not. Time dragged on and I wondered back to the bus station. I finally arrived home and paid the baby sitter, walking into Jakob’s room, my ears filled with the sound of his sobs yet again.