"Billie, This Is So Wrong, but I Love You."

“For your loss earlier…” The doctor concluded.

Natalie Grace and I exhaled shaky breaths of total relief. Jakob was alive at least.

“Miss Chambers, your son is alive. He will continue to live, but with even more difficulties than he already has. What conditions does he suffer at the moment?”

“He had cerebral palsy… Moderate case of down syndrome, multiple brain tumours… He has so many things I can’t even remember them all. He’s such a sick little boy.”

“I’m sorry. This will not come as good news.”

“What’s wrong with him, doctor?” I asked worriedly.

“Jakob has… Jakob’s become a paraplegic. He will not be able to move around properly. In fact he may lose all kinds of mobility. The… uh… bullet hit him in a very, very unfortunate area. It send all muscles into spasms under the skin, shutting them off. I’m very sorry, Miss Chambers.”

Natalie Grace gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. Tears immediately appeared on the rims of her eyes and flowed down her cheeks instantly. I was in so much shock I just laughed. Natalie Grace and the doctor looked at me suspiciously. I just continued to laugh hysterically.

“Clara?” Natalie Grace asked.

“I want to see my son.” I said finally, my laughter turning to giggles. “Now.”

“I suppose you can.” The doctor said. “But just you. And you must be considerate of his well being right now. He needs rest.”

“I know what my son needs.” I said, irritated. Natalie Grace piped up as I walked toward Jakob’s room.

“Is there any chance of him getting his mobility back?” She asked.

The doctor nodded and said quietly, “with lots of training, and physio work, Jakob could get some mobility back. Maybe even more than he had before. Think of this as his new birth.”

I opened the door and walked to my son.

“Jake?” I asked the small mound that was lying still in the bed. His eyes were open, but he was just lying there, still. He didn’t look like my son, he was a stranger in my son’s bed. For a minute I almost lost it, wanting to shake the heap and command they get out, get out of my son, leave him forever and never come back. He wasn’t moving at all. I was so scared, he couldn’t even more his lips to speak back to me. “Honey, I’m here. I know you can’t speak at the moment, baby, I know it would be frustrating. I’m sorry this happened to you. But mommy will always love you, alright? I’ll always be here for you.” I walked over to him and took his pale cold hand in mine. After what seemed like hours, staring at my now paralysed son, I decided to leave before I sobbed in front of him. “Mommy has to go, now, Jakob. I’ll be back soon.”

Natalie Grace and the doctor were speaking quietly to each other when I walked out of the room. I couldn’t exactly hear what they were saying, but I was under the impression they were talking about me in some way. I closed the door, and they both looked up at the same time, stopping their convosation.

“Hey, Clara.” Natalie Grace said as I walked slowly toward them.

“Hi. What were you talking about?”

Natalie Grace and the doctor glanced at each other again and I started to get annoyed.

“What’s the secret?” I demanded.

They gave each other yet another annoying glance.

“Natalie Grace!” I finally screamed, losing my temper. I started to breath heavily, my face turning a darker shade in anger.

“We… we were talking about…” Natalie Grace started.

“…Your time in therapy… About Jakob’s father… Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea that you could go back for all this? Jakob’s problems must be hard for you…You could sort yourself and everything else out in there… Maybe be prescribed some kind of medication? It might help you? Take a break from parenthood? We were only talking -”

“I will not leave my son.” I spat, cutting the doctor off. “Not in a time like this. I can cope with it, I’m not the one who has to deal with being paralysed! My son needs me, so you two can both shut the fuck up about my problems!” I yelled.

“Clara, I’m sorry!” Natalie Grace called after me as I flounced angrily down the corridor. “I want to help you! You need help for all this! I’m sorry!”

“Save it!” I screamed back.

Three days had gone by since Clara stormed out of the hospital. I was so worried about her. I called her mobile every hour, it was either engaged, or switched off. I was living at the hospital, visiting Jakob frequently. I explained his mother was ‘working’ and her boss wouldn’t let her off so she could see him. Lie, but it’s better than telling him his mother had taken off somewhere.

That day I decided to go to Clara’s house. I had given her breathing space, now. I started to attempt to contact her, but I was unsuccessful. As a good friend, I felt an importance to visit her. Now, I’m glad I did.

I stood in the living room, taking in the sights of my house. It was so empty and cold since Jakob left. It was always filled with a kind of gloom whenever Jakob was in there. It was so horrible for me to thing like that, but now he’s paraplegic there is no other option but to enrol him in a special school, which I didn’t have any money for. I hadn’t spoken to anyone, or even myself, since I bolted out of the hospital. It was like I couldn’t find my voice after what had happened, like it rattled me so much I couldn’t cope with it. I couldn’t take it anymore, being lectured by Natalie Grace and the stupid doctor. If I were in there any longer, I’m sure I would have gone off my tree, and they would probably admit me into a hospital with out a second thought.

Again, I looked around my house. The clean, soft carpet on the stairs and in the bedrooms. The polished floorboards and tiles in the other rooms. The modern tables and furniture. But, my favourite things ever were the mantle piece pictures. A whole row of photos in a long black frame, sectioned off for many pictures to be slidden inside. I sat down on the couch and pulled the frames down, examining all the photos in the frames. There was a picture of me and Jakob at the funfair last year, smiling at the camera with fairy floss coated our mouths. A full length one of Natalie Grace and me at our friend, Katie’s, party last month, both of us dressed up and covered with make up. There was one of my parents I had saved over the years. Another of my ex fiancé and I, Natalie Grace and Jean Paul, all together at a concert one year ago. The old, discarded picture of Billie and I when I was a teenager was in there, too, and I didn’t know why. Pictures of Jakob, Natalie Grace, Casey, our friends and me filled up the remaining frames. In every one of them, I looked so happy and complete, the smile masking the pain of Jakob, masking the pain of Billie… One smile that looks so true but is actually so fake. With out a second thought I stood up and ran into the kitchen, grabbing the cleaner and a sponge. I wiped down the frames and placed them back on the wall. I took out house arrest, and started cleaning in an absolute frenzy. That’s what I did when I was confused. I cleaned.

Hours went by and after I took a shower I sat back down on the couch, feeling happier and more accomplished at my cleaning work. The house looked totally amazing. I flipped on the T.V., ordered myself some pizza and poured myself a glass of deserved wine. I was half way through eating it when the doorbell rang. For a second I hesitated about answering it, but then I gave in and finally did.

The person standing there was not who I’d expected, and I gasped when I saw his beautiful face…

“Clara?” He asked, shifting uncomfortably. “You asked me to come here? Adrienne hasn’t come home for four days. She was due back the day after you called.”

“Yeah, I did.” I replied, finally finding my voice. “Maybe you should come in?”

“Um, yeah, thanks.” I stood back from the door as Billie walked inside the house. He took it all in, immediately drawn to the long, divided photo frame. I could tell the second his eyes wondered over the pictures of Jakob and I, because Jakob looked like a clone of Billie.

“There’s one of us.” Billie said, stating the obvious.

“Well, yeah.” I replied. “We may not be ‘in love’ anymore, but I still think of you as a friend type. And those days were the best days of my life, living with you before I got sent away.”

“It’s what you wanted, Clara.” Billie said sternly. “You asked me, no, begged me, to put you away, to ‘stop killing’ you needed to be in therapy.”

“I never said it wasn’t what I wanted. But you marrying Adrienne, breaking your promises you made to me, that’s not what I wanted. Or needed.”

“I wrote to you.” He said.

“I know. About her.”

“Did you kill Adrienne?” Billie asked, anger in his voice. “You jealous… Bitch! I loved Adrienne! I needed her and you took her away! Not just from me but my children!”

“I know one of you children that didn’t need her.” I said blankly.

“What?” Billie asked, not believing his ears. “You weren’t just saying I have another son to get me back here?”

“No, Billie, I wasn’t ‘just saying’ that.” I replied harshly.

“Is that…” Billie swallowed. “Is that… him?” Billie pointed a finger shakily in the direction of a photo of Jakob and I.

“Jakob? Yeah, that’s him.” I was so annoyed at Billie.

Tears streaked down his face as he stared at the pictures of Jakob, Natalie Grace and I together, all happy and smiling.

“Why are you annoyed at me, Clara?” He asked. “I didn’t do anything! I didn’t know about Jakob!”

“Yes, I know.” I replied steadily. “And if you did you wouldn’t care about him anyway, you wouldn’t want to know him.”

“I would!” Billie protested. “He’s still my son, no matter who his mother is! I would still love him, Clara! Why didn’t you tell me?” He shouted.

“Billie!” I screamed. “You would not! You just wouldn’t! He’s not the same as your two ‘perfect’ sons! He’s different! He has to struggle with it everyday! Children like yours, with mothers like your wife turn out to be the kind of bastards that treat boys like Jakob the way they do! He constantly cries! I have to put him on mild anti depressants, Billie, he’s not even ten yet!”

“How could say that about Joey? You met Joey! He kept your word over what happened, he’s never changed his stories!”

“That’s because what he’s telling you is true! Adrienne did it all! Have you even checked your poor son’s body now and then? Have you? Have you seen the marks Adrienne gives him? Or has she conveniently made sure you don’t bathe the kids? Has she avoided you seeing them?”

“NO!” Billie screamed. “I don’t believe you! Shut up, just shut up! Adrienne wouldn’t do that!”

“I’m not the one you have to convince, here, Billie.”

“She’s dead…” He whispered, and I nodded slowly.

The sight I saw next was not something I didn’t expect, again. Billie crumpled from where he was standing, collapsing onto the freshly vacuumed carpet in a heap of sobs. He heaved and heaved out tears, breathing in gasps, all the pressure buckling on him. My motherly, and my natural instincts pressed at me to help him. I walked into the kitchen and got a big glass of water, carrying it into the living room and placing it on the glass table. I approached Billie and put my arm around him as he cried into my chest. After about an hour his sobs died down, and still I was cradling him slightly as he let his pain go.

“I can’t do it, Clara.” He sniffed. “I can’t raise Justin and Joey by myself, and preform… I’ll have to quit the band… and…” He cried again.

“Billie, I could help look after them.” I said, handing him the water. He gulped it all down in a shot, and I stood up to get him some more.

“I can’t ask that of you, Clara. After how I hurt you so much these years… I can’t make you do that.” He said, following me into the kitchen and sitting at the counter as I bustled trough the drawers.

“It’s fine, really, I need something to keep my mind off Jakob and his newer condition.”

Billie looked me up and down, as if deciding something. I filled the glass with water and slid it across the bench toward him. He took in his hand, all the while his eyes were searching mine.

“What’s wrong with Jakob?” Billie asked a few minutes later. My eyes dropped from his gaze and I looked down. “Clara?” He persisted. My eyes remained on the ground as I answered his question.

“Many things.” I said. “He had cerebral palsy, mild case of down syndrome, and autism, brain tumours that continue to reappear every time I pay thousands of dollars for them to be removed… And now, because Adrienne shot him, he’s become a paraplegic.”

“Are…Are you… Lying?”

“No. Unfortunately, Billie, I’m not.” I said.

“How did you cope?” He asked. “I wasn’t around, he was… uh… that way. I… I’m so sorry for everything, Clara.”

“My ex fiancé beat him with out me realising it. All my other boyfriends broke it off because I had a ‘retarded son’ and they weren’t ‘ready’ for that.”

“I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t help… but…”

“You’re so right, Billie. Sorry just doesn’t cut it. I’ve been struggling all these years, still in love with you and wanting you, looking after our son while he cries about the bullies at school… And you sit at home with that crazy bitch who was beating your son without you noticing it, either. I know I can’t blame this entirely on you, but you could have called or something? You could have talked to me.”

“No, Clara, I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because Adrienne threatened she’d divorce me if I even thought about you. She was so fixed on me still loving you. The night before she killed herself, I talked about you for the first time in years. She lost it and said she was going to visit her mother… who actually turned out to be you.”

“If you hadn’t spoken about me, Jakob wouldn’t be paraplegic.”

“That’s hardly my fault. I’m so unbelievably sorry about how I used you, I am… but I… Clara I still love you. I’ve never stopped!”

“Billie, I can’t -”

“Clara, don’t tell me you don’t feel the same.”

“I…”