"Billie, This Is So Wrong, but I Love You."
Chapter Twenty One.
“If you hadn’t spoken about me, Jakob wouldn’t be paraplegic.”
“That’s hardly my fault. I’m so unbelievably sorry about how I used you, I am… but I… Clara I still love you. I’ve never stopped!”
“Billie, I can’t -”
“Clara, don’t tell me you don’t feel the same.”
“I…”
______________________________________________________
"I... I don't know..." I stuttered. My head was so full of thoughts and each one confused me more than the last.
"Clara? I love you."
"I know! But... Oh God Billie Joe! The second Adrienne dies you come back to me? You had all these years to come back to me, since the second you lost me! Yesterday I would have taken you back in a millisecond!"
"And what about today? Tonight?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, even though I knew exactly what he meant.
"Would you take me back in a millisecond today?"
I hesitated. I didn't want to lose Billie, but at the same time I sort of did after what he'd done to me over the years.
"I... I don't think so, now, Billie."
"Is that a yes or a no, Clara?"
"I guess it's a no."
Billie stood up from where he was seated. He was furiously blinking back tears, but I saw them all. He walked over to the photo frames and slid a picture of me and Jakob out of the frame.
"Remember, Billie, I can look after Justin or Joey, or both of them." I called from the kitchen. He didn't reply so I walked over to him. He just stared at me, unable to keep the tears from flowing down his cheeks.
"Good bye, Clara." He whispered, turning on his heel and making for the door.
"Wait! Billie! Wait!" I yelled, but it was too late, he was already out the door. My house phone started to ring and I answered it quickly.
"Clara? It's me, Natalie Grace. I was going to come over... But I can't now. I'm so sorry. Why are you panting?"
"Billie's here. I have to go and chase him down the street. We'll go out for dinner tomorrow night, alright?"
"Alright. I love you. Go and get him!"
I didn't want to take more time and lose him, so, I hang up the phone quickly, and, I ran. I ran out the front and chased him down the street. I grabbed his neck once I got up to him and pulled him towards me. We were just under a street light that cast a glow over the road and lightly on sections of the foot path.
"I'm sorry!" I cried, over the thunder that was rumbling in the sky. That second rain fell down from the black clouds in the night sky. It poured and poured, lightning was flashing next to the blackness of night.
"What for!" Billie yelled back, so I could hear him over the rain, wind, and thunder.
"For everything!" I replied, "I should have told you about Jakob! I shouldn't have lost the plot on you! This should all have been different!"
The rain had coated both of us, making our clothes hang with moisture. Our faces were covered in tears, which were now mixed with droplets of rain. Another flash of lightning, followed by thunder and heavier rain lit up the night sky. At that second, a violent gush of wind blew down the street towards us, making us freezing. Hail began to fall, landing on us sorely.
"No!" Billie screamed over the weather. "You shouldn't be sorry!" He cried. "It was me! I did everything to harm you! I fell in love with you when it was illegal, I was your only support and I let you down! I practically cheated on you and then sent letters of what I was doing with Adrienne! I hurt you so much! You needed my support, you needed me to believe you and Joey over her and I didn't! I kicked you out, couldn't stop thinking about you so I tracked you down and fucked you! I got you pregnant with out realising it! Then you called me and I almost hung up! I tracked you down again and wanted you so bad tonight that when you said no my heart ripped from my chest! And you know why I did all this, Clara? You know why? Because I was so confused, and so upset, because I loved you so much that I couldn't handle it! I couldn't handle how you made me feel! So, I pushed you away, I hurt you and continued to hurt you more! All because I loved you too much! And now, I finally get the courage to tell you and you don't want me!"
"Billie that's not true!" I screamed. "I want you! I love you so much that now I'm the one pushing you away!"
Billie and I looked at each other and then up at the sky as the violent weather continued. I moved my hand up to the back of his neck again. He stepped closer to me and wrapped his arm around my small waist. He took one hand from my body and rubbed his fingers on my face.
"I love you, Clara." He whispered. I could hardly hear him over the rain, hail, wind and thunder but I still did.
"I love you Billie."
He didn't need another reassurance. Without wasting another second his lips crashed against mine. In seconds the kiss became more involved, more passionate. Our tongues massaged one another, and I jumped up, wrapping my legs tightly around Billie's tiny hips. I had waited so long for this moment, and now, it was finally here. Not breaking the kiss, Billie carried me back into my house, my legs still wrapped around him tightly. He walked through the front door, because I hadn't bothered to lock it, or even close it when I bolted after him. He walked across the carpet and up the stairs into my bedroom, all the while peeling soaking wet items of clothing off himself and me. We continued to kiss as he lay me onto the bed, straddling me. His hands ran all over my now naked body, and mine did his.
"You're so perfect, Clara." He whispered. "I love you so much."
I was panting by the time he was finished kissing up and down my neck and body. I kept repeating his name.
"Are you ready?" He panted.
"Yes, Billie, yes."
He didn't need to know anything else, with out hesitation he slid himself inside me. He started slowly, and then became faster and faster. I moaned and screamed his name so many times, and he did the same back to me. We came at the same time, and he collapsed on top of me. He kissed me over and over after we had finished.
"I love you. I love you." He repeated in between kisses.
"I love you, Billie." I said back, and he fell asleep in my arms.
This time I knew it was going to be different. I knew he meant what he said just as much as me. This time, it wasn't wrong, or illegal. We weren't sneaking around in my guest room, or in the janitors closet at Parkson's High.
I soon fell asleep with him, coated in a mixture of his sweat against mine, listening as the storm out side continued long into the early morning.
“That’s hardly my fault. I’m so unbelievably sorry about how I used you, I am… but I… Clara I still love you. I’ve never stopped!”
“Billie, I can’t -”
“Clara, don’t tell me you don’t feel the same.”
“I…”
______________________________________________________
"I... I don't know..." I stuttered. My head was so full of thoughts and each one confused me more than the last.
"Clara? I love you."
"I know! But... Oh God Billie Joe! The second Adrienne dies you come back to me? You had all these years to come back to me, since the second you lost me! Yesterday I would have taken you back in a millisecond!"
"And what about today? Tonight?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, even though I knew exactly what he meant.
"Would you take me back in a millisecond today?"
I hesitated. I didn't want to lose Billie, but at the same time I sort of did after what he'd done to me over the years.
"I... I don't think so, now, Billie."
"Is that a yes or a no, Clara?"
"I guess it's a no."
Billie stood up from where he was seated. He was furiously blinking back tears, but I saw them all. He walked over to the photo frames and slid a picture of me and Jakob out of the frame.
"Remember, Billie, I can look after Justin or Joey, or both of them." I called from the kitchen. He didn't reply so I walked over to him. He just stared at me, unable to keep the tears from flowing down his cheeks.
"Good bye, Clara." He whispered, turning on his heel and making for the door.
"Wait! Billie! Wait!" I yelled, but it was too late, he was already out the door. My house phone started to ring and I answered it quickly.
"Clara? It's me, Natalie Grace. I was going to come over... But I can't now. I'm so sorry. Why are you panting?"
"Billie's here. I have to go and chase him down the street. We'll go out for dinner tomorrow night, alright?"
"Alright. I love you. Go and get him!"
I didn't want to take more time and lose him, so, I hang up the phone quickly, and, I ran. I ran out the front and chased him down the street. I grabbed his neck once I got up to him and pulled him towards me. We were just under a street light that cast a glow over the road and lightly on sections of the foot path.
"I'm sorry!" I cried, over the thunder that was rumbling in the sky. That second rain fell down from the black clouds in the night sky. It poured and poured, lightning was flashing next to the blackness of night.
"What for!" Billie yelled back, so I could hear him over the rain, wind, and thunder.
"For everything!" I replied, "I should have told you about Jakob! I shouldn't have lost the plot on you! This should all have been different!"
The rain had coated both of us, making our clothes hang with moisture. Our faces were covered in tears, which were now mixed with droplets of rain. Another flash of lightning, followed by thunder and heavier rain lit up the night sky. At that second, a violent gush of wind blew down the street towards us, making us freezing. Hail began to fall, landing on us sorely.
"No!" Billie screamed over the weather. "You shouldn't be sorry!" He cried. "It was me! I did everything to harm you! I fell in love with you when it was illegal, I was your only support and I let you down! I practically cheated on you and then sent letters of what I was doing with Adrienne! I hurt you so much! You needed my support, you needed me to believe you and Joey over her and I didn't! I kicked you out, couldn't stop thinking about you so I tracked you down and fucked you! I got you pregnant with out realising it! Then you called me and I almost hung up! I tracked you down again and wanted you so bad tonight that when you said no my heart ripped from my chest! And you know why I did all this, Clara? You know why? Because I was so confused, and so upset, because I loved you so much that I couldn't handle it! I couldn't handle how you made me feel! So, I pushed you away, I hurt you and continued to hurt you more! All because I loved you too much! And now, I finally get the courage to tell you and you don't want me!"
"Billie that's not true!" I screamed. "I want you! I love you so much that now I'm the one pushing you away!"
Billie and I looked at each other and then up at the sky as the violent weather continued. I moved my hand up to the back of his neck again. He stepped closer to me and wrapped his arm around my small waist. He took one hand from my body and rubbed his fingers on my face.
"I love you, Clara." He whispered. I could hardly hear him over the rain, hail, wind and thunder but I still did.
"I love you Billie."
He didn't need another reassurance. Without wasting another second his lips crashed against mine. In seconds the kiss became more involved, more passionate. Our tongues massaged one another, and I jumped up, wrapping my legs tightly around Billie's tiny hips. I had waited so long for this moment, and now, it was finally here. Not breaking the kiss, Billie carried me back into my house, my legs still wrapped around him tightly. He walked through the front door, because I hadn't bothered to lock it, or even close it when I bolted after him. He walked across the carpet and up the stairs into my bedroom, all the while peeling soaking wet items of clothing off himself and me. We continued to kiss as he lay me onto the bed, straddling me. His hands ran all over my now naked body, and mine did his.
"You're so perfect, Clara." He whispered. "I love you so much."
I was panting by the time he was finished kissing up and down my neck and body. I kept repeating his name.
"Are you ready?" He panted.
"Yes, Billie, yes."
He didn't need to know anything else, with out hesitation he slid himself inside me. He started slowly, and then became faster and faster. I moaned and screamed his name so many times, and he did the same back to me. We came at the same time, and he collapsed on top of me. He kissed me over and over after we had finished.
"I love you. I love you." He repeated in between kisses.
"I love you, Billie." I said back, and he fell asleep in my arms.
This time I knew it was going to be different. I knew he meant what he said just as much as me. This time, it wasn't wrong, or illegal. We weren't sneaking around in my guest room, or in the janitors closet at Parkson's High.
I soon fell asleep with him, coated in a mixture of his sweat against mine, listening as the storm out side continued long into the early morning.