I Can't Hang

I’d tried to keep it in. Jesus, I tried. That entire afterlife, I made an effort not to just break down.

But on the way down from Heaven, with James keeping Brady and I from falling straight into the city streets of New York, all I could focus on was not crying, blinking back tears.

We blew it.

We’d got on God’s last nerve. This was it – Hell. In a matter of minutes we’d be chilling with Satan and regretting it all. (Not that we weren’t regretting it before.) The thought was horrifying. Disgusting. There’s really no way to describe it.

James’s wings swooped open, gently holding us above the city, hovering us mere feet above buildings. Elegantly and elderly, they sparkled, shedding majestic feathers that floated down to the ground. I turned to look up at his wings one last time, catching the sight of brilliant glowing feathers again.

He sighed before drifting us toward the same familiar building we’d landed on when God sent us here for two weeks. My heart fluttered as we slowly sank. This was the place that set off an even worse play of events – where we completely blew it over a few bags of freakin’ ramen noodles.

Gripping his hand tightly, I held my breath as we touched down on Earth again. Soon, we’d go down in an alley and take the portal down to Hell, screwing up our afterlives once and for all. I’d never see New York again; I’d never be happy again.

I had this one chance. This one gleaming opportunity to redeem myself for God. They let me off the hook all ‘cause I didn’t believe in Them, and that was it. They let me stay in Heaven, and I threw it all down the drain.

Brady and I let go of St. James and turned back toward him, expecting the worst. But something flickered across his face for a brief moment – an emotion I’d never seen before in him.

James opened his mouth, but stopped before saying anything. His wings drooped, growing dull despite the moonlight’s glow, and he gently pulled them back.

“So where’s Hell?” Brady whispered.

James folded his hands and began to twiddle his thumbs, biting his lip. “You…you guys, just…go.”

I furrowed my brow at him. “Can’t go unless you open the portal…we’re just zombies…”

“No,” he sighed, closing his eyes quietly. “I mean…just…go.”

“Go…to the bathroom? To China? What?” Brady asked.

James opened his arms up, looking like he just gave up. Leaning against the low walls of the rooftop, his pale skin contrasted against the navy blue sky. Stars sparkled and gleamed up in the sky. “Just…I don’t know…I’m letting you two go.”

Silence. Neither of us knew what to say to that.

“You can roam around in New York or go to Chicago for all I care. I dunno.” He shoved his hands down in his pockets, kicking little rocks scattered across the ground. “Just lay low. Try to…just be safe, okay?”

“You’re just letting us go?” I gasped, cocking my head. What he was saying wasn’t making any sense.

James nodded, struggling a little smile.

“You can’t,” Brady stated.

“But I am,” James defied. He was blushing like crazy and fidgeting like a madman, but he spoke real clear. “And I won’t tell.”

“They’ll see it.” His logic was flawed to me.

He scratched the back of his neck, smirking shyly. “I don’t care. I’ll let ‘em see.”

“What are you doing?” Brady asked in a hushed tone. His stance was stiff, his face blank. For once, he seemed completely serious – and it was kinda scary.

St. James closed his eyes again, sucking in a deep breath, letting his arms fall at his sides. “I’ve kind of…I…I know that…you two aren’t bad. I know it.”

“Well, duh,” I coughed.

“No one else seems to know. They just…you guys are unlucky,” he whispered, leaning back on the wall. “You’re not at fault for this. Other people are. That stupid anchorman. And me, for letting you out of the hotel…”

“You don’t gotta get tied up in this, James,” Brady warned. “Just take us to Hell. You don’t have to go down with us.”

Our angel shrugged. “I’ve been tied up with you guys for a while now. Since you guys saved me up in Antarctica, which I don’t think I ever really thanked you for. So thanks, anyway. But you guys…you’re nice. You mean well, I know it. I haven’t known you for too long, but I know it.”

“Don’t.” I said it loud and clear. Enough risks had been taken already. We didn’t need another consequence.

“Listen to the kid. It’s dangerous. You’re gonna get caught and you know it,” Brady cautioned. “Dude, just…seriously.”

“No. You don’t deserve it. You really don’t.” James’s voice got louder and firmer, and he stood up tall. “As long as you stay out of trouble, you can stay here and no one would even know. You can think of something to try and redeem yourself. It won’t take that long.”

“Everyone’ll know. All the angels will. They’ll see it from Heaven,” I explained. He still wasn’t clicking.

“I don’t care! I know what I’m doing, and I don’t care. Neither of you deserve to be locked up in Hell for something that got out of hand and wasn’t even your fault. Kyle, you didn’t know how to fly yet. Brady, you didn’t want him to fall. Nobody understands that, but I do,” James ranted, scuffing around and kicking up dust. “Why won’t you just trust me for once?”

I looked up at Brady. He still looked stoic.

“I don’t know,” Brady mumbled. “I guess…I don’t really talk with the other angels ‘cause they don’t talk to me, but…”

“I’m talking to you,” James insisted, pointing to himself. “Please, guys. Don’t do this to yourselves. Please.”

Brady sighed heavily, crossing his arms. “How do we know you’re not just gonna tattle on us?”

“What worse of a punishment would there be? You’re already gonna get sent to Hell,” James pushed. The look in his eye was threatening. He even had a little bit of a scowl. “Just trust me, just this once. I’ll – I’ll even drop by sometimes and help you guys out! God trusts me. He doesn’t spy on me or anything. Please. I…I’m startin’ to care about you guys and I just can’t send you guys down there. I just can’t do it. I never been able to.”

“Well -” I started. Objections were floating around in my head with no evidence.

Brady elbowed me. “He’s right.”

St. James’s youthful face broke into a big smile.

“What do we got to lose?” Brady whispered, smirking at him. “Why not take him up on that? I mean…yeah.”

“You two just have to promise me one thing.” James held up a finger.

“And what’s that?” Skepticism naturally surfaced in my head.

“Just be safe. Lay low. Please just be careful, okay?” he urged harshly. “Don’t try and do anything big until I say you can. I’ll visit you guys.”

“How will you know where we’re at?” I asked.

He grinned. “That hotel room we checked in still is open. It’s only been a day since we left.”

Brady hung his arm around my shoulder like we were old friends. “Good,” he said.

James licked his lips and stared at the floor like it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen, shoving his hands into his pockets. A sense of joy lingered in the air between us all. And even though his wings weren’t out, James glowed.

“I’ve gotten a little too close to you guys since you’ve given me a heck of a time the past few days. I’m a softie,” he laughed airily, a hollow chuckle.

Brady stepped forward with a grand old smile and yanked St. James forward so that he was completely engulfed in his embrace. It was kinda funny, really, to see tiny little James, so much shorter, being suffocated in that hug.

“Jeez, you’re a freakin’ afterlife-saver,” Brady snickered. “I love you, man.”

James didn’t really say anything back. He just mumbled something and kinda hugged him back.

Brady pushed him away, but not without a big, fat, over-exaggerated kiss on the cheek that made this gross smacking noise. It left James stumbling and cross-eyed, and it was the first thing that night that made me smile.

I sort of walked over and patted him on the back. He gave me this real genuine sort of smile and his eyes looked all shiny. It dawned on me that the only real people I ever knew were up there in Heaven, but I guess that’s a reason why they’re there.

“Good luck,” James said to us, pulling his wings back out.

“Good luck to you, too,” I added absentmindedly.

“Yeah, Jim. Or as my grandma’d say, ‘Ottenere un lavoro!’” Brady grinned, slapping his shoulder twice before standing back.

St. James turned around, and his wings exploded outward in a mass of feathery shimmers, parachuting up and thrusting him into the night sky. A few feathers dropped down to the rooftop, fluttering softly in the still and silent air.

He turned back one last time. Floating above us, he gave a little wave before flying up high again and disappearing into Heaven.

Brady and I stood there for a few minutes, staring blankly at the moon. I felt renewed. Energized, even. For once, there wasn’t a doubt in my head, and I loved that more than anything.

A feather lay on the floor in front of us, all tiny and sparkly. Brady bent down and picked it up. Twisting it between his thumb and index finger, he kinda laughed airily. “Beautiful little feather, ain’t it.”

“Yep,” I nodded along.

He chewed on his lip, blinking rapidly a few times before sighing deeply. “He’s a damn good kid.”