I Can Transform You

Secrets

POV: Frank

As soon as Matty left, Gerard and I turned to look at eachother. He looked like he had something to say to me, something that was bothering him, but he remained silent. I decided to break the silence before it got too awkward.

“Here,” I spoke, picking up his diary from my bed and offering it to him.

He took it immediately and clutched it in his hands tightly, like he was worried someone else was going to come and snatch it off him.

“Um, thanks. You quite literally saved my ass there,” he told me with a nervous chuckle. “I’d die if anyone read what I’ve written in this.”

I gave him a half-hearted smile and then dropped my gaze to the floor, feeling extremely guilty that I had read it. I didn’t know whether to confess or not. I felt like he deserved to know, but I knew it would upset him and that didn’t appeal to me.

“How did he get hold of your diary in the first place?” I asked curiously, my eyes darting back up to meet Gerard’s briefly.

“Um… Well, basically… I threw it at him,” he replied unexpectedly, making me raise my eyebrows in surprise. And then I started laughing because that is the most dumbass thing I’ve ever heard.

“Oh, nice one,” I scoffed, wishing I had been around to see Gerard throw something at Matty. I guessed shit kicked off between them. That would have been entertaining.

“It’s not funny!” Gerard protested, but he cracked a smile. “I didn’t know what I was throwing. I just picked up the first thing I found on my desk. I don’t even know how it got onto my desk… I don’t keep it there.”

He looked genuinely confused, furrowing his eyebrows questioningly at his desk like he was waiting for it to explain itself.

I could explain how it got there… I was the one who stupidly left it there. I should have put it back where I found it. In fact, I should never have read it at all.

I stopped laughing abruptly and cleared my throat, looking at the floor again as the guilt I felt got stronger.

“So weird,” he muttered to himself.

Then, all of a sudden, his eyes widened and his face transformed to an image of horror. I held my breath, waiting for him to figure out I was the one who left it there.

“I hope my Dad didn’t find it and read it, then put it down there,” he gasped.

Okay, so maybe if I wait for Gerard to figure out the truth, I’ll be waiting all day…

My mind wandered to all the suicidal things he’d written in his diary, and I could understand why he was horrified at the thought of his Dad reading that. But would he be even more horrified to know that I’d read it?

“Okay, look…” I began apprehensively, deciding to tell the truth, though it probably would not end well. I had to, because the guilt was starting to suffocate me.

I hesitated and heaved a long sigh, rubbing my neck awkwardly. He furrowed his eyebrows at me.

Oh God… How do I phrase this? “I read your diary” seems a bit too blunt. Is there a nicer way to put it?!

“It wasn’t your Dad that left your diary there…” Fucking awkward pause. “It was me.”

As soon as the words left my mouth, Gerard’s eyes widened even more. There was a look of pure fear in them.

“Did you… Have y-you read it?” He stammered in a small voice.

I nodded regretfully, kicking myself for being such a shitty friend.

His jaw dropped and he clutched his diary to his chest possessively all of a sudden, looking violated.

“You’ve read my diary?!” He choked in disbelief.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to!” I apologised lamely, knowing there was nothing I could really say to justify myself.

“You didn’t mean to?” He repeated sardonically, looking outraged. “Did you just accidentally trip over and fucking land with your face in my magically-open diary or something?”

His sarcasm was very sharp. I’d never heard him use such an angry tone before. No one had ever taken that tone with me, let alone Gerard Way. I didn’t know how to respond at all.

“No, I just… I didn’t know what it was…” I explained shamefully, making poor excuses. “And then… When I started reading it I couldn’t stop!”

I was engrossed in his life. Reading what he went through made me feel like I wasn’t alone in a fucked up world.

“Oh, I’m so glad it kept you entertained,” he spat in the same sharp sarcastic voice, turning his back on me, as if he could no longer stand the sight of me.

“Gerard, it’s not like that…” I began to protest, but he interrupted.

“I bet you’ve had a right laugh with your mates about it, haven’t you?” He assumed bitterly. “Let’s all have a fucking laugh at how pathetic I am.”

The shame was clearly evident in his voice. I knew he was so embarrassed, but he didn’t need to be. I wasn’t judging him. I didn’t think he was pathetic at all.

“You’re not pathetic, Gerard,” I sighed, running my fingers through my hair absent-mindedly. “And I would never repeat what I read or laugh about you behind your back. I swear, I haven’t told anyone and I’m not going to.” My tone was desperate. Urgent. I needed him to believe what I was saying, because it was the truth.

I knew exposing his secrets would break him and I couldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t break him down again. I couldn’t, because I realised now that he was more like me than anyone I knew. I felt such a strong connection to him that I knew breaking him could potentially break me too.

I didn’t know if he believed what I was telling him, because he didn’t reply. He just stood facing his wall, solely to avoid having to face me.

I exhaled slowly, bracing myself to reveal to Gerard what he needed to hear, though it was hard for me to say it.

“You might think I don’t know what it’s like to feel worthless… Unwanted… Rejected… And just completely alone,” I mumbled, staring at the floor. “You probably think because I’m the most popular kid in school, I could never feel that way.”

Gerard didn’t interrupt or confirm my thoughts; he just stayed still and silent, listening. I was actually thankful now that he had his back to me. It was hard enough to say this at all, without saying it straight to his face.

“But I feel that way every single day,” I declared honestly. “And I know it makes no sense that the most popular kid in school feels so worthless, unwanted, alone… But the thing is, I don’t let anyone in. No one knows the real me. They don’t know the shit I’ve been through and how fucked up I am because of it… All they see is the tough guy image I hide behind. And that’s not who I am. It’s just all an act.”

I’m not someone who likes to pour my heart out to people and talk about my feelings, but it almost comes naturally with Gerard. I don’t think for one second that he’s judging me for what I’m saying, because I know he can relate to it. He feels the connection, just like me.

“I know,” Gerard whispered, turning his head to the right as if he was about to glance over his shoulder and look at me. But then, he seemed to decide against it, and just froze with his head turned and his eyes on the floor.

Of course he knows. He’s the only one that sees through me, because he is the only one that has the effect of turning me transparent. I don’t know what it is or how he does it, but when I’m around him, the walls around me crumble.

“I know when someone is pretending, because it’s what I’ve done ever since the day my mother walked out on us,” he continued in a small voice.

I stared at the back of his head intently, listening carefully. He was finally starting to open up to me for the first time.

“My father always told me that we were fine… That we didn’t need my mother. “Put on a brave face for your brother, son” he used to tell me,” he recounted, putting on a forceful voice to imitate his father. It contrasted with his real voice, which was weak and full of emotion. “Yet every night, I would hear him crying himself to sleep. I knew we weren’t fine at all... But I just kept pretending, for the sake of my sanity, more than anything.”

Gerard was officially pouring his heart out to me and I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t know how to comfort him, because I knew nothing I could say would take away the pain. I had the urge to go and hug him, but I resisted, because I didn't think he'd want me to.

“I know that feeling all too well,” I eventually replied in a solemn voice.

When my father died, my mother just wanted to pretend everything was fine, when everyone could quite clearly see it wasn’t. For months I was so distraught that I couldn’t pretend. I didn’t want to. But she did, and her way of dealing with me was just to ignore me.

Gradually, I learnt to disguise my pain and emotions with a ‘tough guy’ image I made for myself… I became aggressive and intent on making other people’s lives a misery, to make myself feel better. But of course it didn’t make me any less miserable.

“Frank, what happened to you?” Gerard suddenly asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I looked up to find that he was now facing me, gazing curiously into my eyes.

I swallowed nervously. I wasn’t quite ready to have this conversation with Gerard. No matter how easy it is to talk to him about my feelings, it will never be easy to talk about my father.

“Nothing… Nothing. I don’t wanna talk about it,” I avoided his question, dodging the bullet.

Gerard’s face fell in disappointment, and then his expression hardened.

“Oh, I get it. You’re allowed to know every fucked up thing about my life, but I’m not allowed to know anything about yours,” he scoffed, shaking his head and averting his eyes to focus anywhere but on me.

“It’s too painful,” I mumbled, trying to block out the traumatic memories in my head before they took over my mind and caused me to have a breakdown.

Gerard’s eyes were back on me again, I could feel them burning into me. Analysing me. I was focusing on the floor though, avoiding eye contact.

“You know, sometimes it’s more painful to keep things to yourself,” he replied unexpectedly, his tone gentle suddenly. “You should try talking about it. It might help.”

I doubt it.

I heaved a long sigh, but did not answer. I was having a silent battle with myself over whether to tell him. Part of me did want to finally get the truth out in the open, but the other part of me was afraid of the outcome.

All of a sudden, Gerard interrupted my panicked thoughts with a direct question that caught me a little off-guard.

“Does it have anything to do with your Father?” His voice was tentative and there was a knowing look in his eyes.

How does he know…?

I looked up and furrowed my eyebrows at him.

“What do you know about my Father?” I croaked, neither confirming nor denying his suspicion.

“Well, uh… I know he died,” he revealed hesitantly, making my chest tighten and my airways constrict.

My automatic thought was that he had read my diary, like I’d read his. Then, I remembered that I don’t own a diary, and I got even more confused. How could he know anything about my Father?

“Your Mum told me a few days ago,” he explained, as if he’d climbed into my head and heard my thoughts.

Oh.

I didn’t really know what to make of that. It was a shock to find out Gerard had been talking to my Mum at all, let alone about personal things. I didn’t really consider them close or anything.

I sighed, too upset to feel annoyed.

“Did she tell you how?” I asked quietly.

Gerard swallowed nervously, and I could tell from the look on his face that he was already starting to regret bringing this subject up. It clearly wasn’t going to be a happy story.

“No… You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to,” he replied quickly, backtracking on his earlier comment. He no longer seemed to want to push me to talk about my past.

The weird thing was, I was starting to feel like he was right to begin with. Maybe talking about it would help me...

I continued to look at Gerard with eyes haunted with my past. He looked nervous and curious at the same time. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I let the words fall from my mouth.

“He was murdered.”

Gerard gasped in shock, probably surprised that I decided to continue the conversation after I gave him the option of ending it, as well as surprised that my Father’s death was down to something as brutal as murder.

For a moment, neither of us said anything. My statement was quite a conversation-killer, because it’s hard to respond to something as awful as that. Gerard was probably intrigued now, but afraid to push me for answers that I wasn’t prepared to give.

But I was already re-living the memories in my head now. It was too late to block them out, so I might as well tell him everything. I’ve been needing someone to talk to about this for so long; I’ve just been too scared to let anyone in.

But Gerard’s already in… He broke down the walls and got inside my heart, completely ignoring the ‘keep out’ sign.

“That’s… awful,” he spoke apologetically, struggling for a consoling response. “I’m so sorry, Frankie.”

He looked at me with sympathetic eyes and I actually found the slightest bit of comfort in them. I felt like he understood my pain. Like he was there for me and I wasn’t alone.

“What’s even worse… is that the man who murdered him was his best friend,” I spoke in an uneven voice, clenching my fists to try and stop them from trembling.

The motherfucker was someone my Dad trusted with his life. Obviously that was a mistake… He got betrayed in the worst possible way.

Gerard’s eyes widened in shock once more.

“Oh my God,” he breathed. “W-why would he do such a thing?”

I could feel my eyes start to burn, so I clamped them shut, trapping the tears inside.

“Because he was in love with my Father,” I revealed in barely more than a whisper.

A deafening silence followed this declaration. I couldn’t see Gerard’s face because I couldn’t open my eyes, but I just knew his expression would be one of utter shock.

“He claimed that if it wasn’t for me, he and my Father could have been together... He told me my Father loved him too, but he wouldn’t leave my Mum because of me… H-he wouldn’t leave me,” I spoke in devastation.

My voice on the verge of breaking. Just like me. I could feel it coming… My whole body was trembling now and my eyes were beginning to leak the tears I was trying hold in. I was starting to fall apart.

“It’s my fault he’s dead,” I whispered, lifting my hands up to cover my face as I cried.

If it wasn’t for me, my Father would still be alive. He could have lived the life he wanted to with his best friend and the one he loved, without being held back by me.

As I stood there and sobbed, I suddenly felt myself be embraced by arms and a body pull me closer and hold me securely.

“No, it’s not your fault, Frankie,” Gerard spoke softly, his lips speaking into my ear. He hugged me close to him and I practically melted into his arms.

This made me cry harder. I’d never had anyone to talk to about what happened, let alone a shoulder to cry on. Even though my heart was broken, I kinda felt complete in his arms.

“I- I was the one h-he was trying to kill though,” I stammered, struggling to breathe from crying so hard. My voice was muffled by my hands, which were still covering my face, against Gerard’s chest. But I insisted on talking anyway.

“My father just g-got in the way… He was trying to protect me… And… And he was stabbed... over and over,” I choked, shaking uncontrollably in Gerard’s arms as the images flashed through my head. The memory felt like a bullet straight through my heart.

I remember screaming at the top of my lungs… Begging… Crying my fucking eyes out… Trying everything to stop it happening, all to no avail. I witnessed my Dad getting brutally murdered right in front of me, in my own house.

It happened one night when my Mum was away on a business trip. It was just my Dad and I at home, and during the middle of the night, there was a knock at the front door. It woke me up, but I stayed in bed, listening as my Dad went downstairs to answer it. It was his best friend, so of course he just let him straight in, despite the fact that he was drunk and shouting abuse at my Dad.

I listened to them arguing for what seemed like hours. And then I made the fatal decision to get out of bed and go and see what was going on.

As soon as I entered the living room, that motherfucker turned on me. He started swearing at me and telling me how it was all my fault him and my Dad couldn’t be together. I was 11 years-old. I didn’t have a fucking clue what he was talking about. I just knew I’d done something wrong.

And then, before I could run, he pulled a knife out of his jacket and just took tried to stab me. Of course my Dad came straight to my defence, jumping in front of me and shouting at the top of his voice for Martin to get the fuck out our house. He told him he didn’t want anything more to do with him… And that was the final straw for Martin. He said if he couldn’t have my Dad, no one could.

“You still can’t blame yourself for what happened, Frankie,” Gerard told me in a soothing voice. “You did nothing wrong.”

I wanted to believe what Gerard was saying… I wanted not to feel guilty and hate myself for what happened, but that motherfucker’s voice would never stop taunting me, screaming that it was my fault.

It was now to the point where I couldn’t reply because I was too choked up. I wasn’t even crying anymore, just struggling to breathe because it felt like my lungs had collapsed.

Gerard suddenly unwrapped his arms from around me and the warmth of his body disappeared as he seemed to take a step back. The next thing I felt was his hands on my wrists, gently pulling my hands away from my face. I let them fall and stopped hiding behind them, showing my tear-stained face.

I blinked my eyes open and through my blurred vision I found his saddened eyes staring into mine. They were haunted now, like mine, with the trauma of my past.

My breathing was still irregular and it didn’t help when Gerard suddenly lifted a hand and placed it on my tear-stained cheek. My breath caught in my throat as he traced his fingers down the side of my face, erasing all evidence of the tears.

Our eyes stayed locked in an intense gaze as he continued to caress my cheek, and I felt something like an electric shock go straight to my heart. It started beating a million times faster. There was chemistry between us and it was driving me crazy. My feelings for Gerard had never been stronger.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I took a step towards him and closed the distance between us, keeping my eyes still locked with his. Then, I slowly leaned in and brushed my lips against his parted ones, kissing him softly.
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry for the slow update. I've been busy revising for my A-Level exams and I haven't had much time to write this. But I hope this super long chapter makes up for it. Especially the ending. ^_^

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