I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

Frank just kissed me. Frank Iero… Kissed me. It was only a brief peck on the lips, but still. He kissed me.

I didn’t have a chance to kiss him back, because I was too in shock, and before I knew what was happening he was pulling away again, looking embarrassed with himself.

He kept his eyes fixed on the floor and mumbled “sorry” as he immediately retreated across the room to sit on his bed. My eyes were glued to him, but he wouldn’t meet my gaze; he just put his head in his hands and looked downwards.

I was too shocked and confused to speak for a moment. I couldn’t really process everything that had just happened. The conversation alone was a lot to take in, and then Frank breaking down like that… But that kiss came out of nowhere, catching me way off-guard.

I absently lifted my hand to my mouth and just traced my fingertips over my lips where he had kissed me. They were still tingling from the touch of his lips; I felt like the kiss was still happening. In my head, I found myself replaying it over and over.

No one had ever kissed me like that before. I’d never been kissed without it being a dare. Or without being drunk. I’d never had anyone take that kind of interest in me… Was Frank interested in me? Or was he just trying to mess with my head?

I was absorbed in my own thoughts for minutes on end, and Frank hadn’t attempted to bring me back to reality. He didn’t seem to have much to say for himself. And I was literally at a loss for words. I just stood there awkwardly, in the awkward silence, consumed by awkwardness.

Just say something…

I listened to the voice in my head and opened my mouth to break the silence, but I just ended up closing it a few seconds later, words completely failing me.

Oh come on… Any words will do…

My eyes darted back and forth, mentally searching for help. The silence was actually becoming deafening. But still, I couldn’t form one single goddamn sentence.

Oh my God, this is the longest anyone has not spoken EVER.

I cleared my throat and forced myself to make words come out of my mouth before the silence became too much and I ended up banging my head against the wall. It seemed inevitable.

“Um… I, uh… W-what just happened?” I stammered, closing my eyes and rubbing my creased forehead.

Seriously, what was that? There was chemistry between us… I felt it. My heart skipped and his eyes pulled me in like magnets. I’ve never felt anything so strong that it makes me feel weak like that.

“I don’t know… I don’t know what I was thinking,” Frank mumbled. He seemed to be having an easier time getting words out than I was, but I could hear the shame in his voice. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

Well, no, it probably wasn’t the best idea he’s ever had… But I’m not gonna deny that I liked it… Because I think I did… Even though I shouldn’t…

I blinked my eyes open and they immediately locked with Frank’s, but they darted away from my face within seconds, avoiding my burning gaze. He just couldn’t look me in the eye.

“So, why did you do it?” I questioned, genuinely curious to know what came over him. I was definitely not used to him being so forward or affectionate like that.

I almost expected him to avoid the question; I knew he hated being confronted about things that make him uncomfortable. But I also knew that his guard was down now and he might be more willing to open up to me...

“I, uh… I just wanted to,” he answered hesitantly, rubbing his neck and continuing to stare fixated at the floor.

So… He actually wanted to kiss me? It wasn’t just a spur of the moment thing then? He thought about it beforehand…

“Oh,” I responded slowly, my eyebrows pinching together in confusion. “Why would you want to kiss me though?”

Was it just because he was upset and vulnerable, and I was there for him? Was he confusing his emotions for me? Or was there something more to it than that?

I needed to know.

He sighed and his eyes flickered in my direction briefly before darting around the room, not focusing on anything for longer than a few seconds.

“I dunno,” he mumbled unhelpfully. “I guess… I’m just confused.”

Well, join the fucking club!

I heaved a sigh and just stood where I was in front of Frank awkwardly for a moment, neither of us saying anything more.

I wanted to keep asking questions until I understood everything going through Frank’s mind, but I knew it would be like getting blood out of a stone. He obviously didn’t want me to know what he was thinking.

“Okay, I get it,” I finally announced, breaking the silence. Of course I didn’t really get it… I was just trying to be understanding. “You’re just upset right now… You can’t think straight.”

I had come to the conclusion that he was confusing his feelings for me when he kissed me because I was being a good friend and letting him cry on my shoulder.

Frank didn’t bother looking up at me. The floor was obviously way more interesting.

“No, you don’t get it,” he disagreed with me flatly, but I sensed his faint frustration.

Of course I don’t get it! You just kissed me! You. Frank Iero. The most popular kid in school. Kissed me. Gerard fucking Way. The loser kid. Yes, I’m still the loser kid! You tried to transform me, but guess what? I’m still a loser. No one likes me. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I don’t even know if I want one. I’ve never really been sure of my sexuality. But you… you’ve GOT a girlfriend! And you’re supposed to be straight! …Why did you kiss me?!

Despite the hysterical voice in my head, I remained fairly calm on the outside.

“Well, explain it to me then,” I commanded, desperate to know the real reason.

Frank stared at me for an extended length of time and I felt myself getting pulled in by those captivating hazel eyes of his, instead of shrinking away from his burning gaze, the way I used to. And it’s because there was a new look in his eye and a new feeling in my veins… Want.

This seemed to last for minutes on end. The silence was so awkward I wanted to kill myself. But then, Frank finally exhaled slowly, breaking his silence. Without taking those hypnotising eyes off of me, he gave me an unexpected explanation.

“I like you, Gerard… More than I should.”

Immediately, my expression transformed into one of shock, my eyes widening and mouth falling open. I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. The truth hit me right between the eyes.

I’d never seen such a genuine side to Frank. It’s like the walls he built around himself had been well and truly destroyed with the heart-to-heart we had shared only moments ago.

“You… like me?” I repeated, needing further confirmation because this news was too absurd to get my head around.

He nodded slowly, keeping his head hung low and concentrating his gaze back on the floor. He looked very ashamed and quite scared of the truth. I wondered how long he had been hiding it from me.

“I… H-how long have you felt this way?” I stammered in bewilderment, putting him on the spot again and making him uncomfortable. It was written all over his contorted face.

“I’ve always liked you,” he mumbled, starting to bite his nails out of nervous habit.

…I'm sorry, WHAT?!

“Okay, why do I find that hard to believe?” I asked sarcastically. Because really, he bullied me for the last six years!

He heaved another sigh.

“I know I had a funny way of showing it… But that’s because I didn’t want to show it,” he explained vaguely. “I couldn’t deal with it.”

This conversation just gets more and more unbelievable…

“Wait a second… Are you trying to tell me you made my life a fucking misery because you liked me?” I demanded incredulously, feeling quite angry suddenly.

What kind of reason is that for beating me up and putting me down for six years of my life? It’s not my fault if he liked me. I never tried to make him like me!

“Yes. I didn’t want to like you,” he retorted flatly. “I hated the fact that I was attracted to a guy.”

Again, how is that my fault? Why did he feel the need to take out his own insecurities on me?

“Oh, well, that’s a fucking great reason!” I scoffed, crossing my arms across my chest guardedly.

Frank looked taken aback by my anger and sarcasm. But what was he expecting? Did he think I’d fall straight into his arms and tell him I’ve always liked him too? That would be a lie, because I’ve hated him for the last six years.

And when I started hanging out with him, I was determined not to let my guard down and let him change my opinion of him… I wanted to keep hating him. I wanted revenge. But something went wrong... Somewhere along the way, I started falling for him. And now I think I like him too… More than I should.

He suddenly got to his feet, so we were parallel to eachother, standing about a metre apart and facing eachother with piercing eyes.

“I’m not trying to make excuses or justify my actions... I’m just telling you why I acted that way,” he spoke in a reasoning voice. I just glared at him. “The truth is, at the time I had just seen what happened to my dad as a result of apparently being gay and liking another guy, and it made being attracted to you seem like the worst thing in the world to me…”

I knew he was going to bring his Dad into this. That tragic event was bound to have had a psychological effect on Frank, which would explain his behaviour towards me. But I would never have guessed in a million years that it was all ultimately because he had feelings for me.

What the hell is so special about me anyway?

“I was a fucking wreck and I was associating you with all the messed up thoughts and memories in my head,” Frank continued in a shamed voice. He took a step towards me and I looked down to the floor at the closing distance between us. “I went from one extreme to the other and I tried to make myself hate you, even though you’d done nothing wrong… I took my pain out on you… I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

I sighed uselessly, feeling the anger drain from my system with Frank’s heart-filled explanation. Even though I still had every right to be angry with him, I just didn’t feel it anymore.

“I still don’t see what’s so special about me,” I murmured, furrowing my eyebrows at the floor.

How the hell can Frank Iero, the hottest guy in school, be attracted to me? …My life makes absolutely no sense.

“That’s because no one has shown you how special you really are, Gee,” Frank replied tenderly, and his feet suddenly took another step forward, so he was standing directly in front of me.

‘Gee’. Hearing him call me that gave me butterflies in my stomach. He rarely used such a soft, sweet tone of voice with me. I liked it. Just hearing it made me feel kind of special. He definitely had a way with words.

My eyes travelled very slowly up his body, taking in every inch of him, before finally settling on his face. I almost went a bit cross-eyed because he was stood so close to me. We stared at eachother with burning intensity for a few extensive seconds and my heart pounded erratically against my ribcage.

I knew it was coming; this time I wasn’t so shocked when Frank started leaning in to kiss me. I didn’t even bat an eyelid; I just mirrored his movement and closed my eyes, letting it happen. Because we both wanted it.