I Can Transform You

Let Go

POV: Gerard

The following morning I woke early with a pounding headache. It was probably due to the fact that I cried myself into a troubled sleep, swallowed by dreams revolving around Frank.

Of course he didn’t come home last night. I didn’t expect him to, yet it made me jealous that he spent the night with Lydia and didn’t come back to me. I had to keep reminding myself that he was hers, not mine. She was the one that was possibly pregnant with his baby… I was just a way to waste his time.

I didn’t actually realise how hard I’d fallen for him. It happened so fast; it was like he tripped me. I never could have seen this coming. One day I hated his guts and was planning my vengeance on him, the next I was revealing my deepest secrets and trusting him more than anyone I’d ever trusted in my life.

I shouldn’t have let my guard down. But he made me feel special, wanted, no longer alone… And like I was actually worth something, for the first time since my mother’s departure.

But I guess I'm not fucking special... I'm still unwanted... I'm alone again... And of course, worthless.

I dragged myself out of bed in the morning and forced myself to go to school, despite my aching head and lack of interest in everything other than Frank. On the one hand, I didn’t want to do anything except stare at him, speak to him, and go over and hug the shit out of him… And on the other, I wanted to shout at him for getting himself into this mess, accuse him of being a blind fool for Lydia, and punch him for making me feel this shitty.

But I knew he wouldn’t appreciate any of that.

I wasn’t even looking for him, but it didn’t take me long to find him at school, in the corridor in between classes. It actually came as a surprise that he was even in school. He skives all the time, but decides to come in after receiving a bombshell as life-changing as Lydia being pregnant? He makes no sense.

He was on his own, which was weird to me because he almost always has his posse by his side. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, but he kept his eyes fixed on the floor, with his head hung low, oblivious to his surroundings. Oblivious to me.

As he got gradually closer to me, I found myself stopping in my tracks completely, freezing as the emotions collided inside of me. He was just about to walk past me in a world of his own, when I made a rash decision to grab his attention.

“Frank,” I spoke in a pleading voice, at a low volume.

He heard me though. Immediately, his eyes lifted to meet mine and the first thing I noticed was how bloodshot and lifeless they were. He looked like he had just spent the whole night crying rather than sleeping, like me. His steps suddenly faltered and he came to a stop, just in front of me.

He didn’t look particularly pleased to see me. Nor did he look annoyed, upset or excited. There was no expression on his face… No emotion in his eyes.

He didn’t say a word and an uncomfortable silence suddenly engulfed us. I was already regretting breaking him out of his little trance, but the fact that he stopped in his tracks told me that he was willing to hear me out, even if I didn’t know what I was going to say.

“Uh, can we go somewhere and talk?” I asked in a small voice.

I didn’t particularly want to have a deep discussion in the middle of the busy corridor where everyone could eavesdrop. I wanted to be alone with him.

“No,” he sighed, taking me by surprise.

I frowned at him, but he averted his eyes to the floor, avoiding my gaze.

“No?” I repeated questioningly, confused and hurt by his blunt refusal.

“There’s nothing to say,” he mumbled, his dark eyes flickering back to mine briefly. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shrugged his shoulders slightly.

I felt differently… That there was so much that needed to be said… So I persisted.

“But last night…” I began tentatively, not even knowing where I was going with this. I wanted to say how much it meant to me, but the words seemed to get stuck at the back of my throat.

Frank waited in silence for a few seconds, but I could tell I was testing his patience. His expression was hard, disguising any underlying emotions.

After an extensive pause where I failed to finish my sentence, he finished it for me, completely changing what I was aiming for.

“…should never have happened.”

He didn’t look me in the eye as the fateful words slithered from his mouth. And as if they weren’t bad enough, his next words well and truly crushed me…

“I want you to stay away from me from now on, Gerard.”

I could tell by the way his sad eyes flickered back to my face, drifting from my eyes to my lips, taking in every inch of my face, that he didn’t want this… He couldn’t want nothing to do with me after the way we bonded last night… Surely not…

Before I could object, he started walking away, leaving me behind. Panicking and acting rashly, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Despite his protests, I dragged him through the nearest door into a deserted classroom.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He demanded angrily, shaking my hand off of his arm and backing away from me, further into the empty classroom.

I stood right in the way of the door, blocking his exit and enduring the heat of his glare.

“You can’t just cut me out of your life like this… I trusted you! And now you’re just gonna do what my mother did… You’re gonna turn your back on me and pretend I don’t exist?” I cried desperately, getting more emotional than I wanted him to see. The tears were welling up in my eyes, distorting my vision. “I thought I meant something to you!”

Frank ran his fingers through his hair in distress, shaking his head at the floor. I closed my eyes and the tears leaked from my eyes, trailing down my cheek. A few seconds of painful silence passed before Frank finally broke it.

“You mean a fucking lot to me, Gerard… More than you should.”

His voice sounded close suddenly. I blinked open my eyes to find him standing right in front of me, his teary eyes fixed on my face.

His words made my heart ache, because I knew that he resented himself for having such strong feelings for me. I was just a burden in his life.

“Well, you mean a lot to me too,” I poured my heart out desperately. “I… I’ve never felt this way before, so I don’t know what it means… B-but I think I might be falling in-”

“No, don’t say it,” Frank cut me off in a panic, sensing what I was about to say. “Please don’t say it.”

What difference would it make hearing me say it if he already knows what I’m about to say?

I had to get the words off my chest and out in the open... This would probably be my only chance to say them to him. So, I ignored his plea and confessed my feelings.

“…In love with you.”

He exhaled heavily and closed his eyes, blocking me out, like he was trying to pretend I didn’t just say that.

“Fuck... No. This wasn’t supposed to happen!” He shook his head forcefully, his hands rubbing his creased forehead. Then, suddenly, he reopened his eyes and turned away from me, starting to pace the room anxiously.

“I can’t fucking deal with this right now… I have a girlfriend and she’s pregnant with my child!” He explained frantically, his eyes darting back to lock with mine. He was begging me with them. “I’m sorry, Gerard… But nothing is ever going to happen between us. You have to let go.”

I felt torn. On the one hand I wanted to hold onto him for dear life and beg him desperately not to push me away, but on the other, I knew I was being selfish and he was not mine to hold onto. He never was. I should never have got so attached to him. I should never get attached to anyone, because at some point, they all move on and leave me behind.

I knew I didn’t have much choice anyway. If I kept trying to cling to Frank, he would just push me away more forcefully. I had to accept that he didn’t want me.

“Okay,” I surrendered feebly, dropping my eyes to the floor because it was too hard to look at his beautiful face anymore.

After a few extensive seconds, I heard him taking steps towards me, and then I felt his hand come up to caress my cheek, wiping away the stray tears, but still I didn’t meet his eyes.

“Thank you,” he breathed, and then the next thing I knew his face was inches from mine and his breath was warm against my lips. “And for the record, I think I might love you too, Gee.”

His words made my heart skip and my chest tighten, but before I had time to react, his lips were on mine, kissing me briefly.

The kiss was over before I had a chance to really savour it, and he was pushing me away gently, moving me out of the way of the door and leaving the room. Leaving me.

How can he just go and leave things like that between us? How the fuck am I supposed to get over him now?
♠ ♠ ♠
An update! Finally! Sorry it took so long - I was a little preocupied following MCR on tour all round the UK the last 2 weeks! (I think that's a good enough reason, no? xD)

Thank you to everyone who commented the last chapter - it's much appreciated! :3

xoxo