I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

I stayed in the deserted classroom by myself for at least ten minutes after Frank had left. I was a pathetic wreck. I couldn’t face my peers while the tears were falling non-stop. I needed to pull myself together.

This was all so fucking stupid. I was fucking stupid for ever agreeing to get involved with Frank and his cronies. I should have stayed away and just carried on hating them. I would rather Frank was still beating me up and bullying me, than kissing me and telling me he loves me. The latter hurts a whole lot more. How did I manage to fall in love with my number one enemy?

The thing that hurts the most is that this whole situation feels like history repeating itself; Frank ditching me reminds me so much of my mother ditching me. But in a way, Frank leaving hurts more, because I told him all about my fucked up past… I put my trust in him, pouring my heart out to him and letting him in… And he still walked away from me.

I guess I should have seen it coming. Frank’s the most popular guy in school, and I’ll always be the loser kid. We should never have tried to be friends, let alone more. We’re the most imperfect match ever.

-

“Um… Can we help you?” Bob demanded with raised eyebrows, as I lowered myself slowly into the chair beside him without one word.

It felt like years since I had sat at the ‘Loser’s’ table in the cafeteria. The whole time I was part of the ‘popular crew’ I was missing Bob and Ray, wanting to hang around with them again. But now that I was living that reality, I just wanted to be part of Frank’s crew again. I didn’t miss any of them except Frank though… I still hated the others.

“Can’t a guy sit with his fucking best friends anymore?” I snapped a little aggressively, staring down at the table rather than meeting Bob and Ray’s questioning eyes.

“Well, yeah… But aren’t you supposed to be, you know, getting all popular and stuff?” Bob enquired in confusion.

Ray was just at a loss for words, it seemed.

“Fuck that shit,” I muttered, my eyes flickering briefly in the direction of the ‘popular’ table.

I spotted a bunch of familiar faces, including Matty, James, Lydia, and of course, Frank. He didn’t look like he was joining in with the conversation. His elbow was propped on the table and he was holding his head up with one hand. His other hand was in Lydia’s lap, intertwined with hers.

I sighed as a pang of jealousy flooded through me, making the familiar aching sensation in my chest even stronger.

“Man, what happened? We had a plan and everything!” Bob exclaimed in disbelief, and I tore my eyes away from Frank and met Bob’s eyes for the first time.

“Fuck the plan,” I retorted flatly, trying to keep a hard exterior though my heart was shattering.

“Alright, calm down, Mr ‘fuck-everything’,” Bob frowned, falling for my act. “Wanna explain what’s going on here? I mean, what changed?”

I averted my eyes to the table again, escaping his analysing stare.

“Me.”

That is the extent of explanation I am willing to give.

“Well, that was kind of the point, Gerard,” Bob replied in an almost patronising tone. “You know, Frank Iero was trying to transform you…”

And he did transform me… He changed my feelings for him completely, and made me fall for him like the sucker I am.

I rubbed my tired eyes and then ran my fingers through my tangled hair absent-mindedly.

“Well, mission fucking accomplished,” I mumbled, unable to stop myself sneaking another glance in Frank’s direction.

This time I was surprised to find him looking straight back at me, over his shoulder. My heart jolted at the unexpected eye contact and I found myself frozen, captivated by his piercing gaze. But it didn’t take long for him to look away, repelled by the familiar force that was pulling him in… Pulling us together…

“Jesus, what happened? Did he turn you into a swearing pessimist with anger issues?” Bob demanded, following my eyes and staring at the back of Frank’s head too.

I sighed heavily and shook my head, turning my attention away from Frank again.

“Bob, leave it, dude,” Ray suddenly broke his silence, seeming to sense my erratic emotions and how close I was to breaking point.

Ray’s always observant in these situations. And he’s my oldest friend; he can read me like a book.

“You know we’re here if you ever want to talk about it, Gerard,” Ray continued in a sincere voice, taking the comforting approach.

I didn’t want their comfort or sympathy. I just wanted things to be normal between us. I wanted my miserable life to go back to the way it was before.

“Thanks,” I murmured, staring fixatedly at the table in front of me again.

An awkward silence consumed us for a while, neither Bob nor Ray daring to speak in case I burst into tears. My hard exterior had cracked and they could easily see how upset I was.

We were saved from the awkwardness by the bell, telling us we needed to go to our next lesson. Mine was Maths. I really couldn’t be bothered with it.

Dear Maths, learn to solve your own problems without my assistance. I’ve got my own fucking problems. Thanks.

Within a mere few minutes, I found myself sitting at a desk in my usual place at the back of the class. I always chose the desk in the corner, so that no one could sit on my right. The desk on my left always went unoccupied, which is how I liked it.

The teacher’s voice droned on for at least half the lesson, and I swear I didn’t catch one word of what she said. My mind was too unfocused, circling on thoughts of Frank. I just kept reliving every kiss we shared in my head… The way our bodies melted together every time we hugged… And the way we opened up to eachother about our painful pasts. I knew it was all too good to be true.

I eventually drifted out of my own head and tuned into a conversation between Matty and an imbecile by the name of Justin, who were sat on the row in front of me. They were talking loud enough for everyone to hear and everyone seemed fairly interested.

“You’re not hanging around with that Gerard kid anymore then?” Justin asked, talking about me as if I wasn’t fucking sat just behind him. Everyone always pretended I was invisible.

Hearing my name definitely snapped me out of my trance, curiosity hooking me all of a sudden.

“Nah. None of us ever actually liked him. We were just having a laugh,” Matty answered with a nonchalant shrug.

Hatred boiled in my veins and I furrowed my eyebrows at the back of his head. My immediate reaction to his harsh statement was denial. He’s a fucking liar saying none of them liked me... Frank liked me. I know he did. And he sure as hell wasn’t “having a laugh” when he was crying on my shoulder last night!

“Fucking liar,” I muttered under my breath, but loud enough for Matty to hear.

And he definitely heard. He span round in his chair so fast I recoiled slightly in surprise.

“Oh, hey Princess, I forgot you were in this class,” he smirked at me, and I clenched my fists in anger under the table. “So, you think I’m lying?” He added, eyebrows raised and smirk still in place on his lips.

I’d never met a human being as vile as him in my life. I fucking hated him with every ounce of my being.

“I know you’re lying,” I spat, shooting daggers at him with my death glare. “Maybe you and the others hate me, but Frank doesn’t.”

I couldn’t help but mention Frank. After all, he was the only one I cared so passionately about. I don’t give a shit if everyone in the world hates me, as long as Frank doesn’t.

“Wait, you think Frank liked you?” Matty sneered, furrowing his eyebrows at me like I was insane. “As if! He was only hanging out with you to try and find the dirt on you.”

There were some pitying chuckles from people around the room, and I felt myself start trembling with anger. Everyone seriously needed to fuck off out of my business.

I shook my head adamantly, opening my mouth to protest. Frank wouldn’t do that to me. We were friends… Fuck it, we were more than friends.

But before I could say a word, Matty declared something that paralysed my heart for a moment.

“He couldn’t stand being around you any more than your Mother could!”

This earned a few more hollow laughs and the words resounded in my head over and over. The force and internal damage was like a building collapsing on top of me. I felt like my heart was caving in.

My eyes widened and my mouth fell open in shock, but no words came out.

“Aww, look how shocked you are!” Matty pointed out, looking into my horrified eyes with his taunting ones.

Of course I’m fucking shocked. How the fuck does he know about my mother abandoning me?!

By now the class was completely silent, everyone watching Matty and I with interest, smirking and nudging eachother.

“Matthew, please turn around and face the front,” the teacher suddenly commanded, realising how tense the situation was getting.

Matty did no such thing. Instead, he leaned forward and put his hands on my desk, his face right in my face. I didn’t recoil away like everyone would expect me to. I remained frozen.

“C’mon now, Princess… Did you really think your secret was safe with Frank?” He whispered, his lips forming a wicked smile.

One mention of Frank was all it took to push me over the edge. In that moment something completely snapped inside of me. The tears welled up in my eyes as my clenched fist flew straight at Matty and I punched him square in the face. He flinched dramatically, recoiling away from me and letting go of my table.

“You son-of-a-bitch!” He swore, cupping his bleeding nose in his hand.

The whole class gasped and my teacher practically screamed my name, but I ignored them all. I stood up so fast that my chair fell backwards, then I grabbed hold of my table and shoved it over; it flipped upside-down and fell straight on Matty.

"FUCK YOU!" I yelled, and I didn’t look back as I practically ran for the door, the tears now streaming down my face, burning my eyes and staining my cheeks.

I heard a massive crash and I guessed it was Matty throwing the table across the room, because within seconds he was on his feet and charging after me.

“Get back here, you fucking little shit!” He shouted, catching up to me.

Just as my hand grabbed the door handle, I felt his hand grab my shoulder and pull so hard that he probably dislocated it.

“That’s it; I’m calling the principal!” The teacher shouted in a panic, clearly at a loss for good ideas.

I didn’t try and fight him off. I was too weak. I fell straight to the ground when he shoved me, and I just lay there while he kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. After the fourth kick I was struggling to breathe, doubled over clutching my stomach, but I was used to this pain. This was just like old times.

The pain I wasn’t used to was the emotional damage and heartbreak of realising the one person I trusted more than anyone else had betrayed me in the worst possible way. My secret was out, and it was all thanks to the one I was in love with.

I fucking hated Frank for this. I fucking hated everyone! Fuck this whole wide world.