I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

I had somehow managed to fall into a troubled sleep, after getting off the phone to Bob and Ray. I lay on my bed for what seemed like hours before I slowly drifted off, the tears still spilling from my eyes.

But I couldn’t have been sleeping long when I was suddenly rudely awakened by someone banging on my window. I jolted awake, pulling my face away from my tear-soaked pillow and looking around my room in disorientation, my eyes squinting from the light.

I knew who it was going to be, even before I laid eyes on him. Frank. Of course it had to be the last person I wanted to fucking see hovering right outside my window like a fucking stalker...

What the fuck does he think he’s doing?

Frustration began to build inside of me at the sight of him alone and I quickly got to my feet, storming over to the window. I wasn’t planning on letting him in, like he obviously wanted me to. I was just going to close the curtains and keep him shut out.

But just as I stretched my arms out to close the curtains, he held up a brick in his hand. There was a look of warning on his face, letting me know he would break into my room by smashing the window if he had to. And I had no doubt that he would vandalise whatever stood in between us. He was definitely over this whole avoidance thing now. He couldn’t handle being ignored by me, even for a few hours.

I knew I had no choice but to let him in, unless I wanted him to smash my window... which I didn’t, because then I’d feel my Dad’s wrath.

Cursing him loudly, I unlocked the window and shoved it open, not being at all careful about the fact that I was pushing it into him. He immediately began to lose his balance, wobbling backwards on the ladder he was standing on, and a look of panic flashed in his pleading eyes.

The brick in his hand suddenly fell to the ground, and he was seconds away from following it. In that split second, I went from wanting to kill him to needing to save him. Even in my current state of anger, I didn’t hesitate to lean out of the window to grab his hand to stop him falling backwards off the ladder.

He grasped my hand tightly, holding on for dear life, as I pulled him into the room through the window.

“You fucking idiot! Do you have a deathwish?” I shouted at him, snatching my hand out of his the second he was in safety. The moment of sudden panic was over and resentment was once again overriding every other emotion in me.

“When I refuse to open the bedroom door, it doesn’t mean ‘please go ahead and climb a fucking ladder, and then force your way in through the window!’” I ranted furiously, not even giving him a chance to get a word in. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t you get it into your head that I just want you to leave me alone?”

I was so full of rage I could feel how red my face was, and my eyes were getting teary again. I didn’t want him to see me like this… I was a complete mess. I tried turning my back on him and faced the other way, but he was relentless.

He moved in front of me and grabbed both my arms to hold me in place, staring me dead in the eyes. There was a sense of urgency radiating from him, like he needed to say something and have me to listen more than he’d ever needed anything in his entire life. I didn’t fucking understand his desperation.

“How the fuck can you be angry with me for being involved in a plan to ruin your life, when you had exactly the same plan?” He demanded, his grip on my arms tightening. “I thought you were a genuine person, Gerard, but you’re not! You had the intention to destroy my reputation and ruin me, so don’t fucking play the victim and act like you’re so innocent!”

Clearly he had read mine and Bob’s MSN conversation, and he was upset with me. But I didn’t care. I had a right to be more hurt and angry than him, considering he’s the one out of the two of us who actually went through with his plan.

I shoved him hard, forcing him to let go of my arms and move away from me. If he wanted to start a fight, then I would fight back. I was no longer the weak boy he once pushed around… I was not afraid to stand up to him now.

“You’re right; I intended to make your life hell, like you’d made mine for the last six years of my life. You can’t blame me for wanting revenge. I fucking hated your guts, Frank,” I spoke openly, the words slithering from my mouth like the deadliest of venoms.

Frank’s face contorted, his expression hardening to try and conceal his true feelings and vulnerability.

“But the difference between us is, I didn’t fucking go through with my plan,” I continued sharply, causing Frank to frown harder. “Even though I was dead set on ruining your reputation, and I even had a chance to do it after you told me about your dark past, I didn’t… I couldn’t, because I got to know the real you and I saw a side to you that I could relate to. One that I felt close to. And I no longer cared about the plan… All I cared about was you.”

I paused to let out a heavy sigh, my eyes still locked with Frank’s. His hard exterior had suddenly cracked; he no longer looked angry or on the verge of self-defence. There was a distinct sadness in his eyes.

“I thought you cared about me too, but I was obviously mistaken,” I added in a regretful voice, dropping my eyes to the floor to escape his emotional gaze.

“No, you weren’t mistaken. I do care about you. Look, the only reason I even agreed to be part of Matty's stupid plan in the first place was because it involved spending time with you. I only ever used it as an excuse to be around you,” he insisted strongly, taking a step closer to me.

I suddenly lifted my gaze from the ground, just to keep an eye on him and warn him not to come any closer; I wouldn’t hesitate to push him away again if he did.

He took heed of my warning and froze awkwardly where he was, just holding my gaze and staring pleadingly into my eyes.

“I know it was a shit excuse, but I was scared of Matty finding out my feelings for you, so I pretended to go along with the plan,” he spoke adamantly, desperate to make his so-called motives clear to me. "Even from the start, I was never gonna go through with it and tell anyone your secrets… I just wanted to help you."

He took another step towards me, and this time I didn’t even have the strength to repel him with my stare. My eyes were just starting to fill with tears. His words were somehow managing to break down the protective guard around my heart.

“After I caught you self-harming that time, I felt guilty... Like it was my fault-”

“It was your fault!” I blurted out, admitting for the first time to the emotional pain he had caused me. I refocused my gaze to the ceiling, trying to blink away the tears in my eyes.

“I know,” he mumbled guiltily, hanging his head in shame. “That’s why I wanted to make it up to you. I wanted to make you popular… I thought I could transform you.” He let out a sigh, defeated. “I thought I could make you happy.”

I was happier before you started playing games with my heart, thank you very much…

“Well, you didn’t,” I retorted bluntly, telling him what he already knew. Of course I wasn’t fucking happy; I was broken. “And I don’t care what your intentions were, because you still betrayed me. I trusted you like I’ve never trusted anyone in my life, and you fucking crossed the line, Frank!”

He opened his mouth to respond with his usual pleas, no doubt, but then he furrowed his eyebrows, looking genuinely confused.

“W-wait… What are you talking about?” He asked uncertainly. “What exactly did Matty tell you?”

He told me everything I needed to know to realise you are a fucking traitor...

I started shaking my head angrily. “Don’t fucking act like you don’t know what you’ve done! You told him everything… He knows about my mother! You know how sensitive I am about my past... How the fuck could you do that to me?! I thought we were friends!”

This conversation was too much for me; the tears were suddenly spilling from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. There was nothing I could do to stop them; I was falling apart.

Frank looked alarmed by what I had said and the sudden emotional breakdown I was having, his eyes widening.

“What? N-no… I didn't tell him anything! Gerard, I would never stab you in the back like that,” he defended himself at once, seeming both shocked and confused.

I tore my watery eyes away from his, focusing downwards at the floor.

Part of me wanted to believe him… But I couldn’t let myself be blinded by my love for him. The fact that Matty knew my secret was proof enough that Frank had betrayed me.

“You must have had something to do with him finding out, because you’re the only person I’ve ever trusted enough to talk about it to,” I muttered, speaking the undeniable truth. I sniffed and wiped the falling tears away with my sleeve, shaking my head slowly. “But I won’t trust you again. You’re a fucking liar.”

The words came out choked, but the impact was not affected. Frank still flinched, as if I had slapped him across the face.

“No, I’m not!” He protested, deeply offended by the truth.

Who does he think he’s kidding here?

“Yes, you are! Your whole life is a fucking lie!” I exclaimed dramatically, regaining composure and the strength to argue.

Frank opened his mouth to object, but I didn’t give him a chance; I kept ranting in anger.

“You’re the fakest person I’ve ever known. You do everything for your reputation, not because you actually want to. And you bottle up what you truly think and feel and never let people see the real you... What the fuck even is the real you?”

The hard exterior and defensive look on Frank’s face disappeared almost instantly as I shouted at him, sadness taking its place. The words were sinking in and forcing him to realise that I was describing him perfectly.

"You know why I'm messed up, Gerard," he mumbled, averting his eyes to the floor to avoid my burning gaze.

I knew it was a sensitive topic, but he needs to face it. He needs to face himself.

“You can’t use your past as an excuse to be a fucking jerk. And you can’t use your ‘feelings’ for me as an excuse to make my life a fucking misery either!” I cried in frustration.

First he blamed the bullying on his feelings for me; now he's saying he agreed to be part of a plan to ruin my life because of his feelings for me. If that's the truth, then he needs to learn to deal with his feelings in a less extreme way!

“I know I’ve been a jerk to you in the past,” he spoke in a low voice, clearly ashamed to admit it. “But I did not tell Matty or anyone else your secret... Okay? Why would I even want to hurt you that bad?”

I can think of a few reasons…

“You told me earlier you wanted me to let go,” I reminded him, narrowing my eyes suspiciously. “Hurting me was the easiest way to make me do that…”

It makes sense. Frank told me earlier we couldn’t have anything to do with eachother anymore because Lydia is pregnant. If he wanted to make me let go, spreading my secrets round the school would be the best way to make that happen...

“Wait, no- I wanted you to let go, but I never wanted to hurt you, or make you hate me!” He shook his head, denying my theory that I was already convinced of.

“Well, that’s too bad… Because I do hate you.”

I had so much hatred for him that had built up over the years. It was really no surprise after everything he’d put me through.

“You don’t mean that,” he whispered, looking taken aback by my brutal honesty. He was in denial. “You told me earlier you loved me… And I- I love you too, Gerard.”

Okay, so maybe underneath the hatred I feel, there is something else. There is a part of me that longs for him… Wants to be with him… Loves him.

But I can’t let myself be controlled by these hopeless feelings, because love never got me anywhere… The people I love just turn their back on me. Love is my nemesis.

“What the fuck do you want me to say, Frank?” I demanded, wishing he wouldn’t say those three words that make my heart flutter and ache at the same time. “This is what you wanted! You wanted me to let go, and I have... You’re the one that needs to let go now.”

He’s so confusing. First, he tells me he loves me… Then he tells me I have to let go and he pushes me away… Then he stabs me in the back… And now he’s trying to cling onto me and stop me moving on from him.

He seemed lost for words. I could see in his eyes the silent battle he was having with himself, upon realising he was contradicting himself and confusing what he wanted. I got the feeling he didn’t even know anymore what he wanted... I definitely didn’t know what he wanted either.

“I think you should go now,” I sighed, after a moment’s silence.

This isn’t Frank’s room anymore; it’s mine, and I don’t want him in it.

“What, so that’s it?” He murmured, looking defeated. “You don’t want anything to do with me anymore?”

I dropped my gaze to the floor as I shook my head slowly in response.

I just wanted him to leave me alone. I was hurt, and I didn’t believe him when he said he hadn’t betrayed me. He was a liar and a fake. He didn’t deserve my trust or forgiveness.

I knew it technically wasn’t possible to have nothing to do with him, since our parents were together… I was bound to see him around the house. But from this point onwards, we weren’t friends. I could quite easily ignore him from now on.

There was a brief silence that was almost deafening. I could feel Frank’s eyes piercing into me, but I refused to meet them, for fear of being drawn in by them.

“Fine,” he spoke in a broken voice that suggested it wasn’t ‘fine’ at all.

Finally, he was giving up.

He stormed away from me without a backward glance, making sure to slam the door behind him on his way out of my life.