I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

Frank had only just gone, and I was trying to enjoy a moment’s peace, when I heard heavy footsteps stomping up the stairs, and then a fist banging on my locked bedroom door.

“Gerard Arthur Way, open this door right now!”

For once, it wasn’t Frank. He doesn’t have the authority to use that tone with me, and besides, he doesn’t even know my middle name.

No, it was my Dad. And man, did he sound angry… I was in deep trouble over something.

Even though the last thing I wanted right now was to be shouted at by my Dad, I knew I would only be making things worse for myself if I ignored him.

So, I dragged my body off my bed and over to the door, reluctantly unlocking it. He immediately forced his way into the room; I literally had to dive out of the way so he didn’t storm straight into me.

“You’re home early,” I observed flatly, probably angering him more by my nonchalant attitude.

It seemed like he’d come home from work especially to shout at me… He needed to calm his tits.

He stopped in the middle of my room and turned to look at me, anger contorting his features.

“I could say the same to you!” He roared, confirming my gut feeling.

He suddenly came stomping right over to where I was standing, totally invading my personal space, and staring down at me with a menacing look in his eye.

“You better start explaining yourself, Mister. I just received an unexpected phone call from your principal, telling me you’ve been expelled!” His arms flew up in a dramatic, questioning gesture, nearly hitting me in the face.

Well, calling me “Mister” totally ruined the seriousness of that statement.

I took a step back, trying to regain my personal space and slowly back away from the direct confrontation. I was really not in the mood for this.

“Look, I… don’t want to talk about it,” I sighed, despite knowing it wouldn’t go down well with my Dad. He wasn’t one to let stuff like this go.

“I don’t care what you want, Gerard!”

Big fucking surprise. No one cares what I want… That’s why I hate everyone.

“…I want an explanation! What on earth is the meaning of this?” My Dad demanded incredulously, raising his voice so it was practically bouncing off the walls of my bedroom.

That volume is not fucking necessary now, is it?

“I just… I got in a fight with a boy in my class,” I mumbled, too ashamed to hold eye contact. “He was asking for it, okay?”

And I mean, seriously. Fucking begging for it.

I hated that Matty knew how to push my buttons like that. I hated even more that he could only know my weaknesses because Frank told him.

“Since when have you been one for fighting? That’s not how I raised you,” came the frustrated reply. The disappointment was literally radiating from my Dad now, and I couldn’t stand it.

I exhaled heavily.

“Yeah, well… I’ve changed. What do you want me to say?” I muttered lamely, still not explaining myself properly.

I didn’t want to explain how messed up I really was… I’d spent so many years hiding any emotions from my Dad. I had to put on a brave face for the sake of his sanity; the only problem is I ended up losing my own mind.

“I want you to tell me you’re not giving up on yourself, because right now, that’s what it seems like,” he spoke slowly, his tone a lot softer and less critical suddenly.

I lifted my gaze from the floor and met his concerned eyes, and I realised then that he already knew. He could see through my façade. He could tell that something had snapped inside of me, and I was fucking broken.

And I suddenly couldn’t control my emotions any longer. After six years building a barrier around myself to numb the pain, all the heartache finally just poured out, breaking through my emotionless exterior.

I just broke down in floods of tears, pathetically covering my face with my hands. I couldn’t reply and tell my Dad I wasn’t “giving up on myself”, because I was. I didn’t give a shit about anything anymore. Especially school.

Ironically, the only thing I did still care about was Frank, and he was the one thing I really needed to not care about. I already missed him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about his deceit either. It was his fault we fell apart… He made me fall apart.

“Come here, Son,” my Dad suddenly commanded sensitively, holding his arms out to me.

It was weird to see him being affectionate, because I’d never given him a reason to show me it. I’d never made a cry for his attention, even when I needed it most. But I definitely needed it now, so I seized the loving gesture while it was on offer, disappearing into my Dad’s arms.

He held me securely, rubbing my back in a comforting way.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you right now, Gerard… But whatever it is won’t always be this painful, I promise,” he spoke tenderly, giving me some kind of fatherly advice for the first time in my life. “Everyone goes through hard times. You know how depressed I was when your mother left... But look at me now. I’m happy with Linda. You see, things do always get better.”

He seemed so confident in what he was saying, and his words did kind of give me hope for the future. But I was too caught up in depression and my own self-pity to see things getting better for me any time soon.

I mumbled “thanks Dad” anyway and we finally broke apart from the hug.

“Just remember that I love you and I’m here if you want to talk about it,” he added, putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing.

I couldn’t help but shrug his hand off my shoulder. I don’t know, it’s a reflex.

His words, though. They definitely had an impact on me. I guess I’d never really thought my Dad loved me. It was not something he’d ever actually said before, and I just instinctively thought he resented me after Mum left him to raise me (and Mikey) by himself.

I was too choked up to speak, so I just kind of nodded.

I still wasn’t planning on telling him the truth. The truth was a stranger, and he would probably have a heart attack if I told him I was in love with his girlfriend’s son.

“But I swear to God, if you don’t get yourself together and get back into school, I will be extremely disappointed in you,” he continued, returning to his normal self, with his stern glare. “You owe it to yourself to make something of your life, Son.”

I heaved a long sigh, and nodded again slowly. I guess he was right. If I was going to get anywhere in life, I needed a good education. The only problem was, I couldn’t exactly just march back into school and act like I’d never been expelled.

“Your principal told me that he wants a meeting with you tomorrow to discuss what happened, and you are going to that meeting and getting your place in that school back. Do you hear me?” My Dad spoke forcefully, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

I nodded for the millionth time.

I knew exactly how the meeting would go. He would stick his nose in business again and demand to know exactly what happened, and I would resist his attempt at getting the truth out of me. And then he’d resort to calling Frank or Matty to his office, and shit would go down.

I was already dreading it.

“But anyway, enough of that… Where is your brother?” My Dad asked randomly, and I shrugged. “I have something important to tell you both, so can you track him down for me?”

I nodded wordlessly, knowing already he’d be at Alicia’s. Like always.

“And Frank, too,” my Dad added unexpectedly, making my heart falter. Just the mention of his name alone was like being hit over the head with a brick.

“Why Frank?” I asked, my mouth dry.

“Oh, he’s going to want to hear the news too,” he replied vaguely, unable to keep the smile off his face.

I definitely did not return the smile.

He finally turned to leave, but then he remembered something else he needed to quiz me about, and he turned back, frowning at me.

“Speaking of Frank, is there a reason why his stuff is littered across the landing outside your room?”

For some reason, he didn’t seem too phased by it, just curious.

“I don’t want to share a room with him anymore,” I scowled, folding my arms across my chest guardedly. Although it was kind of pointless guarding my chest now that Frank had already stolen my heart.

My Dad raised his eyebrows at my strong reaction.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gerard. There’s nowhere else for him to sleep,” he shook his head, dismissing my statement.

I opened my mouth to protest, but he had already turned his back, opening my door and walking out.

I clenched my fists in frustration, watching him step over all of Frank’s shit scattered on the landing, and then hearing him shout over his shoulder “clear up this mess before Linda gets home.”

Oh, I’ll clear it up, alright… I’ll fucking throw it in the river outside.

Fuck my life.