I Can Transform You

Heartbreaker

POV: Frank

I was an asshole. A self-centered fucking asshole and I knew it. Hated myself for it.

I shouldn’t have kissed Gerard again. I shouldn’t have got his hopes up that we still stood a chance. I just couldn’t control myself… I was so desperate for it.

And now, I had to tell him the truth. He deserved the whole painful truth.

“Yeah?” Gerard urged me hesitantly, furrowing his eyebrows.

I couldn’t stand to look him in the eye as I crushed him all over again. I focused my gaze down to our hands, which were still clutching onto eachother, afraid to let go. I knew I wasn’t going to be the one that let go… He was.

“I, uh… I kinda proposed... to Lydia earlier… and she said yes,” I revealed regretfully, closing my eyes.

I wished there was a way Gerard could understand my decision and not be hurt by it. But I knew this was going to hurt. I’m just another unoriginal heartbreaker.

Immediately, Gerard’s hand became limp in mine. As the shocking confession sunk in slowly, silence filled the car. For a minute, nothing happened.

But then, he snapped, abruptly snatching his hand out of mine.

“You- what the fuck?

I reluctantly opened my eyes and turned to face him, letting his angry eyes burn a hole in me.

“How could you- what the fuck is wrong with you!” He shouted, shaking his head vigorously and refusing to hold eye contact with me anymore.

“I’m sorry! But it was always her, you know it was… I love her, Gee!” I exclaimed, trying to make him understand. Even though I knew he never would.

I thought he knew I was never going to leave my girlfriend for him. What we had… Yes, it meant something, but not enough. Not enough for me to break Lydia’s heart.

He glared at me for ages, and man, if looks could kill, I would be a corpse.

“You don’t get to call me ‘Gee’ anymore! Not now. Not ever fucking again,” he retorted angrily, but I could see the tears welling up in his eyes.

I didn’t know why he was getting so defensive about some stupid nickname that hardly seemed the important matter in the situation. It was like he was trying not to dwell on the rest of my statement, because that hurt a whole lot more.

All of a sudden, he shoved open the car door and got out of his seat, scrambling out of the car like he couldn’t stand to sit next to me any longer.

“Gerard, wait!”

I kicked open my door and jumped out of the car too, hurrying after him. This conversation was nowhere near finished, no matter how bad it was hurting us both.

He stormed off into the distance, away from the almost-deserted road and out across a dark field that stretched out for miles. I couldn’t let him just wander off in the eerie darkness alone… This wasn’t a safe area, and he was in no state to be by himself.

The grass was wet from the rain shower earlier today, and this did not work in my favour as I ran after Gerard. After slipping and nearly landing on my ass countless times, I finally caught up with him.

I clutched his arm desperately, forcing him to stop in his tracks.

“Come on, Gerard… I said I’m sorry,” I spoke, breathing heavily to keep up with my racing heart. “Please, just let me take you home.”

I was the one who brought him out here, and there was no way in hell I was leaving him… I needed to take him home, to safety.

He turned to face me, but immediately shoved my hand off of his arm, clearly in no mood for any kind of physical contact with me.

“And then what? You’ll cut me out of your life and pretend I never existed?” he guessed, his eyes reading me like a book. Then, he started shaking his head again, looking down at the floor. “Well, I’m making that easy for you now, so why don’t you just fuck off back to your fiancé and leave me here!”

Because. I can’t.

The emphasis he put on fiancé was sharp and derisive, it made me flinch slightly.

“No, I don’t want to leave without you. And I don’t want to pretend you never existed either. You’ve been an important part of my life, and I can’t just forget what we had,” I rambled quickly.

I had to resist the temptation to put my fingers under Gerard’s chin and make him lift his head to look at me. I knew he would only push me away from him, so I refrained and just stared as he hung his head and focused on the ground, hiding the emotion in his eyes from me.

“I just… I can’t be with you. I wish I could. I wish the circumstances were different, but it’s too complicated,” I exhaled heavily, my eyes focused intently on the top of his head, willing him to look up at me. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. Any of this.”

Really, I didn’t. I didn’t mean to fall in love with two people. Didn’t mean to lead Gerard on and make him fall for me. Didn’t mean to get Lydia pregnant. Didn’t mean to break Gerard’s heart. Didn’t mean to fuck up everything.

And if I could take it all back, I would. All this drama and heartache fucking sucks.

Finally, he lifted his head and met my apologetic eyes. There were tears in his eyes, but he was staring at me like I’d lost my fucking mind.

“You didn’t have to fucking lead me on. If there was never a chance of us being together, why the fuck would you make me think there was?” He demanded, the outrage and despair plain to hear in his voice.

I ran my fingers through my hair in distress. I could see this argument was going to go round in fucking circles, until I got so dizzy I wanted to throw up.

“I didn’t mean to lead you on,” I answered, frustrated. “Me and you… It just kind of happened. I know I should have stopped it before it went too far, but I couldn’t… I was so lost in everything about you!”

He had me hooked, caught in a web of lust and obsession. I couldn’t have stopped it if I wanted to.

“This hasn’t been fucking easy for me, you know?” I continued heatedly. “You don’t know what it’s like having feelings for two people. It messes everything up!”

I was perfectly happy with Lydia. Why did Gerard have to come and steal my heart?

“What, and getting married is the way to put everything right?” Gerard scoffed, furrowing his eyebrows deeply. “Have you lost your fucking mind? Why are you rushing into this? You’re making a fucking big mistake, Frank!”

I didn’t need the lecture. He could shove that judgemental glare up his ass. I knew what I was doing. It made sense in the context of my life right now.

“You don’t get a say in how I live my life, Gerard. I’ll do what I want,” I defended myself half-heartedly, not really putting my side across very well. Talking to the person that owned the other half of my heart made it a little hard for me to remember why I actually did propose.

“You have to try to understand the bigger picture here… Lydia and I have a baby on the way. I’m not ever going to leave her,” I added resolutely.

Gerard is not part of the bigger picture. He is a picture all of his own, imprinted on my heart. But over time, the picture will fade and my heart will be all Lydia’s once again.

He suddenly started laughing. A cold, forced laugh.

“You haven’t even seen the bigger picture yourself, or you would know that baby probably isn't even yours,” he shot back, confusing the shit out of me.

I froze, my heart starting to falter. What would make him think the baby might not be mine?

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I demanded sharply, screwing my face up in confusion. “What bigger picture?”

Gerard didn’t hesitate to paint things a little clearer for me, answering more candidly than my heart was prepared for.

“Your precious girlfriend is clearly sleeping with your so-called best friend behind your back.”

It took a while for his cold words to sink in. I stared at him with the same rigid expression, despite the fact my heart was caving in, for what seemed like hours.

I was trying to read his expression. Trying to see if this was some sick joke he was playing. But he looked deadly serious, and his pitying stare was destroying me slowly.

“Wh-what makes you say that?” I asked in a strained voice, trying to remain calm, despite the anger mounting inside.

I didn’t know who I was angry at yet, because I didn’t know what the fuck to believe. Was Gerard lying? Or was it the truth? Had he caught Lydia and Matty red-handed fucking behind my back or something?

“Because I can see the way they act around eachother! The constant flirting, the eye-fucking, the guilty looks on their faces when you’re around… God, it’s so obvious,” Gerard ranted, rolling his eyes.

With every word that left his mouth, I felt the anger rising. There was a voice in my head refusing to believe what he was saying. Staying desperately ignorant to any of it.

’He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Matty and Lydia would never go behind my back like that… They’re my best friends!’

I started shaking my head and Gerard held his hands up at me, with a look of disbelief on his face. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t just taking his word for this. Why I wasn’t on the phone to Lydia right now breaking up with her…

As if I could trust him about something like this though.

I’m not an idiot. I know he wants me all to himself; of course he’s going to try and split Lydia and I up. That’s all he’s trying to do here, and I’m not buying it.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied adamantly. “Matty and Lydia wouldn’t do that to me. So, unless you have solid evidence, I don’t want to fucking hear it!”

He can’t just make an accusation as serious as that and not have any way of proving it to be true. There is no reason why I should believe him about this. Not when he’s currently overcome with jealousy, determined to hurt me.

“You are so fucking oblivious! I hope the truth hurts when it comes out and stabs you in the back,” he spat venomously.

I couldn’t even let myself consider for a moment that it was true because I knew I would completely lose my shit. There was no way I could handle it if Lydia and Matty had fucked me over like that. I wasn’t going to deal with that fucking permanent heartbreak unless it was inevitable.

Gerard was breathing heavily after his angry outburst, and I was just stunned into silence, words completely failing me.

I hated that Gerard wanted to see me get hurt by this. He was the one person I needed on my side throughout any shit, but unfortunately, we were on opposite sides now.

“You can take me home now,” he suddenly broke the tense silence, his tone flat. The conversation killed.

I didn’t know why he was suddenly surrendering to my initial offer to take him home now. I guessed he had realised there wasn’t any other way he was getting home tonight. But I was shocked that he had the nerve to try and take me up on my offer now after what he had just said to me.

But was I going to abandon him out here in a dark field for the night? …No.

I said nothing; I just started walking back towards my car, and he followed just a few steps behind, in silence. He held his tongue right up until we were back inside my car, buckled up with the engine roaring as I pulled away.

And then, as we were driving down the winding country lanes, he said something that almost made me slam on the breaks and do an emergency stop, just like he’d caused in my heart.

“Maybe you won’t believe Lydia has been cheating on you… But I bet she would believe you’ve been cheating on her. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just tell the whole school what you’ve been doing?”

He was staring at me now, distracting my focus from the road in front of me. I gripped the steering wheel tighter and turned to look at him, a hard expression on my face, concealing the fear inside of me.

“You wouldn’t dare…”

He’d be putting himself in danger if he did anything to jeopardise my reputation and my relationship with Lydia. I wouldn’t let him take me down without a fight.

“Wouldn’t I?” He arched a questioning eyebrow, fucking with my head.

“No! And you know why? Because you are a fucking nobody, Gerard!” I insulted him, getting over-defensive. “It would be my word against yours, and who’s gonna believe you over me? No one!”

I didn’t care if I was being harsh. He was threatening my life; I was entitled to defend myself, and of course this was going to end up getting personal.

“Well, maybe if I told them all about your past they might realise we’re a lot closer then they thought we were,” he responded, piercing holes in me with his hateful eyes.

Whoa whoa whoa, not THAT fucking personal…

“Don’t even think about it,” I warned dangerously. “That would destroy me.”

This conversation was getting way too fucking heated. Gerard was seriously fucking with me now, talking about putting my life on the line. I was suddenly so full of fear and anger.

“Good! You deserve it!” He exclaimed callously, only adding to the rage inside me. “You told everyone about my past, so why shouldn’t I do the same to you?”

For the love of God! All we do is go round in circles… Same conversation, different day.

“For the last fucking time, Gerard, I didn’t tell anyone your stupid secret!” I shouted, losing my temper.

I didn’t even lower my voice as I continued to rant, and the unexpected nice words leaving my mouth contradicted the loud volume I was saying them in and the anger I was feeling.

“And I know you’re not going to tell anyone about my past, because you’re not like that. You’re a fucking decent guy! That’s what I love about you.”

Gerard seemed a bit confused about whether I was having a go at him or complimenting him, furrowing his eyebrows at me as he processed my words in his head.

Then, he exhaled slowly and started shaking his head again.

“Yeah, well, maybe I’m done being the nice guy. Look where it’s got me… Nowhere,” he muttered, averting his eyes out of the window. “I’m fucking tired of you treating me like shit. It’s time you realised what goes around comes back the fuck around.”

This response rendered me speechless. I didn’t take Gerard for the Karma-bullshit or revenge-seeking type… His sweet nature was one of my favourite things about him. Had I turned him this way? Had I officially transformed him?

I definitely didn’t like the idea of all the shit I’d put him through coming back around to haunt me... To break me down. I’m not someone who can take back what I give out.

“Thanks for the lift, Iero,” Gerard suddenly remarked, sounding insincere, and I realised then that I’d come to a stop right outside his house.

I blinked at him in disbelief as he abruptly jumped out of the car, and slammed the door in my face, leaving me staring after him until he disappeared from my sight.

I feared the day when he finally got his revenge on me.
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