I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

When the school bell rang for lunch break, I was the first one out of English class, heading straight for the gymnasium, where my school assembly was due to take place in an hour’s time. It was completely deserted at the moment, and my footsteps echoed around the vast space.

I made my way straight over to the locked cupboard, where I knew after several assemblies in this shithole school the television was stored. Harrison gave me the keys to the cupboard earlier, trusting me willingly with this whole thing, because let’s face it, why wouldn’t he trust his favourite pupil? I felt a strong surge of guilt at the thought, but forced it to the back of my mind, as I slid the key into the lock. I found the TV inside, sitting steadily on its stand, and I wheeled it out slowly.

My mind was focused solely on my own pain that was driving me to do get my revenge; in that moment, I just didn’t care about anyone else. I didn’t care what they thought of me afterwards. I didn’t care what punishment I would have to endure. And I didn’t even care how it would affect Frank.

I wasn’t letting myself think about what Mikey had told me earlier, or I would lose my nerve in doing this. Maybe I was cold-hearted and selfish, but this was something that needed to be done. These people had a right to know the truth about the spoilt little popular kid they’ve looked up to and been manipulated by for all these years.

It was time for a brutal reality check.

I pushed the CCTV tape into the VCR with slightly shaky hands, and took a deep breath before pressing ‘play’. This was going to be painful.

Immediately, I was taken back to yesterday morning in that classroom with Frank, a time that felt a million years ago…

“You mean a fucking lot to me, Gerard,” I watched the Frank-on-the-screen confess, and my heart ripped out of my chest in the exact same way it did at the time. But I wasn’t crying now like I was then… I was holding back all of my emotions and practicing the fixed pokerface I would use in front of the whole in an hour’s time. “…More than you should.”

I could still feel the way his gaze burned into my soul as he whispered those words. Everything about this situation made my heart ache.

“Well, you mean a lot to me too,” I heard my-video-self reply desperately, and I wanted to reach into the screen and slap myself for letting Frank into my heart like that. I let him break it… I should have fought the feeling inside of me, not succumbed to it. Look where it’s gotten me. “I… I’ve never felt this way before, so I don’t know what it means… B-but I think I might be falling in-”

“No, don’t say it,” Frank cut me off in a panic, taking the words right out of my mouth now. I wished I could take this whole conversation back. “Please don’t say it.”

“…In love with you.”

I just had to say it, didn’t I?

Feeling it was one thing, but saying it out loud… That was practically suicide.

“Fuck – no, this wasn’t supposed to happen!”

No shit. Of course it wasn’t supposed to happen. Since when is the loser kid and the popular kid falling in love ever how life turns out? This shit is what happens in cliché movies… not real life. Because in real life, shit always turns ugly, like this. You know why? Because the world is fucking ugly.

“I can’t fucking deal with this right now… I have a girlfriend and she’s pregnant with my child!” My eyes started burning now and I had to blink rapidly to try and dispel the tears threatening to fall. The wounds from this conversation were still so raw and every word was like a knife through it.

“I’m sorry, Gerard… But nothing is ever going to happen between us. You have to let go.”

I knew I had to let go. I knew there was no way he could really feel the same way for me, and want me too. Nobody ever wanted me, I knew that. I accepted that there was no hope for us… But what I didn’t accept was the way he messed me around. If I knew later that same day he was going to kiss me again and get my hopes up, just to smash them down with the declaration that he was marrying Lydia, I would have turned my back then and shut him out forever.

He was just playing a game with my stupid heart the whole fucking time.

“Okay,” I watched myself surrender weakly, and once again, I slapped myself for being so weak and vulnerable about it.

It was insane how much I had changed in thirty hours… Frank and I had literally swapped places. I was the one in control of everything now, and he was the vulnerable one. Now it was my turn to break his heart like he broke mine.

I watched Frank suddenly bring his hand up to my face and caress my cheek tenderly and could almost feel his fingertips caressing my face now. I closed my eyes and brought my own hand up to my cheek and placed it over Frank’s invisible hand, losing myself in the mere memory of his touch.

“Thank you,” I heard him saying, and I could feel his warm breath against my lips now. “And for the record, I think I might love you too, Gee.”

He never really knew the answer himself. He thought he might love me, but he didn’t know… Well, I know him well enough now to know he never loved me.

His careless words and the adamant voices in my head forced me to snap out of the trance I had fallen into, opening my eyes and letting go of my face. I buried everything I was feeling deep down inside me once more, and just stared emotionlessly at the image of Frank and I kissing.

It never meant a thing to him. He wasn’t ever willing to give up his reputation and life of pretending for it, and that says everything, really. All that ever mattered to him was his precious reputation that was built on lies. I know he didn’t care about losing me, but hell, he’s going to care about losing his popularity. I finally get to make him suffer like he made me suffer.

Victory is sweet.

*



POV: Frank

Phase one of my plan was complete: the video was done.

That’s right, I made my own video. I figured if the whole school was going to see my true colours, they might as well see it from me, personally. And since there was no possible way I could stick around to tell them myself, I’d tell them the truth like this.

At least this way I’d never have to see their reaction… Their shocked and appalled faces, their aggressive and ridiculing behaviour… No, by the time they knew the truth about my life, it would be too late for them to mock me. And if anyone ever wanted to know why I was no longer around, all they’d have to do is watch the tape. My suicide would hardly be a mystery to anyone.

But phase two of the plan was slightly harder… How was I supposed to swap the videos before Gerard’s assembly? I only had half an hour left before it was scheduled to begin, and I’d been hanging around outside the gymnasium since the start of lunch break, waiting for my chance, but Gerard didn’t look like he was going to be leaving any time soon.

Part of me desperately wanted to talk to him, to tell him how sorry I am about everything, but the other part of me kept asking ‘what is the point?’ Saying sorry didn’t change a thing. I’d already broken both him and myself. There was no erasing the pain inside. I knew he hated my guts and I didn’t blame him.

I also knew if he so much as looked at me, I would just break down all over again, and I didn’t want him to see me like that. I was too much of a coward to face him after everything I’d done, and what I was about to do now. Besides, I'd said everything I needed to say in the video.

Frankly, I didn’t want to face anyone. I’d had enough of all the bullshit, drama, and hate in my life. I was beyond breaking point now and I just wanted to disappear from the world without a trace - and that’s exactly what I was going to do.

All of a sudden, I heard a gruff voice come from behind me, acting as a brutal reminder that I wasn’t invisible yet like I wanted to be.

“Oh, look who it is!” I wheeled around to find Bob Bryar sneering at me. I just stared at him with empty eyes. He was with that Ray Toro kid that I’d never spoken to before in my life. “Gerard didn’t think you’d have the nerve to stick around this long… Are you gonna attend his assembly, after all?”

My emotionless expression didn’t change.

“No.”

Gerard’s right: I don’t have the nerve for that.

“What are you doing here then?” Bryar frowned at me, and Ray also stared inquisitively. Their judgemental eyes burned right through me and into my core. “Are you trying to ruin Gerard’s plan or something?”

I nearly turned and just walked away from them, giving up on the conversation and my plan entirely; I contemplated throwing the tape away and just completing phase three of my plan, forgetting entirely about phase one and two. I was tired and losing my patience with life; I just wanted to skip ahead to the part where I blow my brains out.

But at that moment, Mikey arrived on the scene.

“Frank!” he exclaimed, looking both confused and relieved to see me. I guessed when I walked out of that bathroom an hour ago, he thought it might be the last time he ever saw me. (And it was supposed to be.)

If I hadn’t buried myself alive until I felt devoid of all feeling, I would feel guilty right about now for intending to kill myself without saying a word to Mikey. He was probably my only true friend. But how could I tell him? He would just try and talk me out of it, and this wasn’t something worth negotiating. Not in the slightest.

It’s not like it had all come out of nowhere… These suicidal thoughts had been penetrating my mind since the day my dad died; I’d dreamt constantly about ending it all and escaping this misery I call a life, but I’d managed to stay strong up until now, with the help of two people I believed would always have my back… But all they did was fucking stab me in it.

“Answer the question, Iero!” Bob suddenly snapped, breaking me out of my thoughts and bringing me crashing back to cold reality.

“Leave him alone, Bob,” Mikey spoke up sharply, stepping forward to take hold of my arm and steer me away from Ray and Bob.

“What the fuck, Mikey?” Bob called after him, but he didn’t stop or turn back. He just lead me down the corridor to a less crowded space, before turning to me with a quizzical expression.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded anxiously. “Gerard’s assembly is starting in ten minutes… You’re not coming to it, are you?”

I sighed and shook my head slowly.

“No, I was just…” I trailed off aimlessly, but then I suddenly looked a Mikey in a new light, realising I could actually use him to help me right now. “Can you do me a favour?”

He furrowed his eyebrows uncertainly, clearly taken aback by my question.

“What?”

I reached into my bag and pulled out my video tape, trying not to think about everything I’d said in it. I couldn’t believe I was doing this… I was really going to just let the whole world into my life like this. Had I lost my mind? Yes, obviously.

I was only letting them in as an honest way of letting myself out.

“Can you swap the videos round?”

This request seemed to too much for Mikey’s brain to process. He just kept looking between my imploring expression and the video tape in my hand.

“Well – uh,” he hesitated and reached out to take the tape from my hand, staring at it curiously. “What’s on this?”

“Uh.” Now it was my turn to hesitate. I hadn’t counted on having to explain what I’d said in my own suicide tape. “Well… I’ve made a kind of… confession tape,” I mumbled vaguely, no doubt intriguing Mikey even more. I could see his inner-gossip-whore dying to hear everything I’d confessed. “I mean, I didn’t want anyone to know the real me… But I can’t control it anymore; they’re going to see it in Gerard’s assembly, so… I figured the only way I could keep a shred of dignity throughout all of this, was to tell them everything myself.”

If my life was really going to be exposed to the world, I’d rather it was me exposing it, and not Gerard or anyone else. I didn’t want to hear my secrets being revealed from another’s mouth.

“Really?” Mikey looked completely shocked by my bold declaration. I’m sure he had already written me off as a coward in all of this. “I mean… You don’t have to do that. Listen, I’ve got a plan,” he shot a glance over his shoulder to check the coast was clear and then leaned in close to me, “I’m going to set off the fire alarm before the assembly begins. No one’s going to see anything, don’t worry.” He winked and offered me my tape back.

Wow. If I was still trying to find a way out of this mess, I would probably be kissing him right now for coming up with a feasible sabotage plan. But I was already past the point of escaping this inevitable bomb about to explode on my life. I was emotionally, mentally and soon-to-be socially destroyed, and I couldn’t see a future where this shit would be resolved.

Word about Lydia cheating on me and Matty beating me up had probably already spread round the school… Not to mention rumours about my sexuality. Everyone at this school was a vulture for gossip like that, and they would tear me apart if I stuck around long enough to let them.

“Thanks Mikey, you’re a good friend,” I smiled sadly, and he frowned at my less-than-enthusiastic reaction, and the fact that I didn’t take the tape back off him. “But there’s no point in running from this… One way or another, everyone’s going to find out that my life has fallen apart. And I want them to hear the truth from me.”

I’d been a coward my whole life; I might as well do this one semi-brave thing before I take the coward’s way out.

“But… why?” Mikey continued to frown, none of this making any sense to him, but I never expected him to understand where I was coming from. “So what if you’ve been lying to these people? Whatever made them worthy of the truth anyway? We all have secrets, man. Seriously, you don’t owe anyone anything.”

Don’t I? That’s debateable… But even if I don’t owe them anything right now, in an hour or so, I will. I'll owe an explanation as to why I’m no longer alive.

“Mikey, please… Just swap the videos,” I sighed in defeat, giving up with the conversation. “I have to go now. I - I’m sorry.”

He was probably the only person left in this godforsaken place that cared about me, and there were tears in my eyes as I turned away from him then, preparing to leave and never come back.

“Sorry for what? Where are you going?” he called after me urgently.

I took a deep breath and tried to hide the pain in my voice as I replied, “I’m getting the hell out of this place.”

The corridor had suddenly gotten very crowded, full of dozens of students laughing and gossiping without a care in the world, as they headed into the gymnasium for Gerard's assembly. I kept my head down as I made my way straight to the exit, desperate to be free of a superficial life that had held me hostage for too long.

I left without so much as a backward glance or a rational thought in my head.