I Can Transform You
Unholy Confession
-One hour earlier-
POV: Frank
I had no idea what I was going to say. There was so much I needed to get off my chest, but it was just so hard for me to say these things out loud, after keeping them inside and letting them tear me apart for all these years. I sat and stared into the camera’s lense for at least twenty minutes, before forcing myself to stop wasting time and press ‘record’, and hope the words would just come naturally to me.
They didn’t.
Spilling my heart and soul and fucking life out on camera wasn’t exactly a natural thing for me. But I forced myself to do it, promising myself the sweet release of death soon after the excruciating deed was done.
“I never thought my life would turn out this way,” I finally managed, my voice sounding choked with emotion. “Never thought it would fall apart so fast, after I’d spent all these years trying to build it up… Trying to be the tough guy that everyone wanted me to be… But that was never who I really was.”
I dropped my eyes down and exhaled shakily, fighting the urge to throw the camera across the room. I could feel it judging me at my most vulnerable, watching me bleeding all over the fucking table I was leaning on.
“The only reason I’m making this video now is because I don’t want my whole life to have been a lie… I’ve been lying to each and every one of you, denying what’s real, for too long,” I declared in a small voice, shaking from the overwhelming ache in my chest. I clenched my fists to try and control myself, but it only made me feel weaker. “But I – I can’t deny this pain inside of me anymore… It’s too much… It’s too much.”
It’s taking me over; eating me apart and I can’t take it anymore. Just – make it stop!
“I had a status at this school that I never deserved. I didn’t deserve your respect and admiration, or your hate and jealousy… I deserved nothing. Because that’s what my life is… Nothing,” I confessed shamefully, hanging my head and letting the tears run down my face. I didn’t bother wiping them away or trying to hide the depth of my pain; the whole point of this tape was to show everyone what I had been hiding my whole school life, after all.
I paused for a few heavy seconds, completely consumed in the devastation and emptiness I felt. Saying all of this out loud made my life seem even more pathetic than it did when these secrets were locked up inside me.
“There used to be a handful of p-people in my life that loved me… A few people I felt I c-could trust… And they were everything to me,” I choked out, my voice breaking under the strain of the overwhelming emotion, “And one by one, I’ve just watched them all disappear and – and fall out of love with me.”
There is no one left. No one who cares. Even I don’t care about me anymore… I’ve completely lost the will to live.
“My father was killed when I was 11,” I revealed darkly, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried to block out the agonising memories that came with the spoken truth. “I never told anyone about that, even the ones I called friends, because I was too ridden with grief and guilt… It was my fault. I fucked his life up for him.”
If only I had stayed in my room that night… I pushed Martin over the edge by being there. I should have stayed in bed. Fuck, I should have stayed in the goddamn womb. My dad had to live a life he never wanted because of me. He gave up on everything he really wanted when I came along. I know he resented me, and I fucking resent myself.
“My mother blamed me too… I know she did, deep down… That’s why she gave up on me,” I continued with difficulty, screwing my face up in anguish. I felt so pathetic admitting all of this, showing my scars to the world. I knew exactly how Matty would react when he heard this. He’d laugh. He’d be embarrassed to admit him and I were ever friends. But I was damn well sure of one thing: he could never hate me as much as I hated him.
“I was invisible in my own home for years… which I guess is why I was so determined to be noticed in this damned school. I wanted your undivided attention, but I didn’t want your pity… so I put on an act. Everything you thought you knew about me was a lie,” I spoke the last few words slowly, through half-gritted teeth. I suddenly felt a surge of anger shoot through me; I didn’t even feel sad anymore, just unbelievably angry at myself for letting all of this happen. I’d made the worst decisions ever and look where they had gotten me.
“You all thought I had the ‘perfect’ life with the ‘perfect’ friends and the ‘perfect’ cheerleader girlfriend,” I stared into the camera with dead eyes, but there was a trace of a smirk on my lips. It was kind of funny (in a ‘haha-kill-me’ kind of way) when I put it all into context and pictured myself the fake-perfect way everyone else had always done.
They thought I was happy – I’m not. I never was.
They thought I was tough – I’m not. I’m a fucking coward.
They thought I was straight – I’m not. I’m fucking in love with a guy they thought I hated.
“You were mistaken. My life is a dead-end, my girlfriend is a two-faced whore, and my best friend is a backstabbing bastard.”
There are not nearly enough curse words in the world for me to express my feelings towards Matty and Lydia. They fucked me over in the worst possible way, and if I was gonna stick around in this hell any longer, I would never forgive them for as long as I lived.
“And though it kills me that my best friend and my girlfriend went behind my back, and now she’s pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is, that’s NOT the worst part,” I shook my head slowly, shooting the camera daggers with my narrowed eyes. “No, the worst part is that I am in love with someone else… and he hates my guts.” I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, as mind conjured up a torturous image of Gerard. “Yeah, you heard right - I said he,” I croaked, my voice losing its sharp tone entirely.
I knew every single person in the room would have an identical shocked expression by now. The truth was a total stranger and I knew it would never be welcome; it would have doors everywhere slammed in its face. See, there was such a strong opposition against homosexuality in this shitty school. Hence part of the reason why I had never had the guts to come out and say this before…
“I am in love with Gerard Way,” I clarified in a quivering voice, trying so hard not to think of Gerard’s reaction when he saw this. I almost wanted to stick around just to see what it would be, but I knew that I couldn’t. “Yes - the guy I have called my number one enemy for six years… It’s no wonder he hates me, I know… I’ve broken him so many times I’ve lost count. And now… well, I’m broken too.”
There. I said it all. The whole truth is officially out. And dear fucking God, I have never felt worse about myself. Can I kill myself now or…?
I seriously considered ending the video there; just hitting the power button and finishing my confession. After all, I had confessed everything now. I had nothing left to hide; no more privacy, no more dignity…
But I stopped myself from ending it there, because I felt like I still had some explaining to do. People still wouldn’t understand why I killed myself, and maybe they never would, but I supposed the least I could do was say I was sorry.
“I’m not even gonna try and justify the way I’ve lived my life… And I’m not gonna try and justify ending it either. All I have to say is, there is nothing keeping me here anymore... There’s nothing left for me except hate and pain, and I’m not strong enough to fight it anymore… Not on my own, not like this. I can’t… I’m sorry…” My voice was breaking again now, the tears burning my eyes once more, as I reached forward with a trembling hand to turn off the camera.
“I’m sorry,” I said one last time, before putting an abrupt end to the video, just like the abrupt end I was going to put to my life.
***
-Present time-
POV: Gerard
Five minutes to go. Okay, wow, there’s a lot of people here… When I said I was going to do a presentation about Frank’s Iero’s life in front of the whole school, I don’t think I thought it all the way through… I’m definitely gonna get stage fright. But oh well, too late to back out now.
Bob and Ray were standing by my side, watching as hundreds of students filed into the gymnasium and took to their seats, but they weren’t exactly doing much to calm my nerves.
“Oh, go on, give me a sneak preview of the video! No one’s looking,” Bob badgered me for the seventh time, trying to press play on the video, but I just slapped his hand away for the seventh time.
“Jesus, you’re like a child, control yourself!”
I have the video in the right place and I don’t want to be faffing around when the assembly starts, damn it.
“Gerard, are you sure you want to do this?” Ray asked me for the fourth time, the same look of concern on his face. “You’ll be expelled for it.” Of course that was his only concern about the whole thing: my destroyed education. Alas, I cared not about it.
“Oh, for God’s sake, how many times-” I stopped talking abruptly as my narrowed eyes fell on my brother running across vast hall towards me. “Dear God, what now?”
He had already lectured me once today, what else could he possibly have to say to me? I groaned loudly and mentally prepared myself for another long rant from him about how badly I’m gonna hurt Frank, blah blah blah. Why couldn’t he just understand this was something I had to do?
When he finally got to me, he was actually out of breath from his overdramatic run across the gym.
“Oh, don’t even start, Mikey,” I held up my hand in ignorant protest, failing to be swayed by the look of desperation on his face.
I expected him to start whining again about how I’m making a mistake and stuff, but he didn’t whine. He took a more forceful approach and grabbed me by the shirt with one hand, pulling me closer to him and glaring deep into my soul. Clearly, he was in no mood to fuck around.
“Mikey!” Bob gasped from somewhere in the background, but all I could see and focus on was my brother’s stern face inches from mine.
“No – you listen to me,” he insisted strongly, in between sharp breaths. “You can’t go through with this. If you do, I swear to God, I’ll never speak to you again. I’m serious, Gerard - Frank needs your help right now, not your stupid fucking revenge.” He let go of me and just shoved a video tape into my chest, making my stagger backwards slightly as I took hold of it uncertainly, wide-eyed and tongue-tied.
I had never seen my brother act like this before. What the fuck was going on? When did he become so goddamn close with Frank Iero that he would even think of never talking to me again if I went through with this? And why the fuck would Frank ‘need my help’ right now?
I frowned at the tape, turning it over in my hands for some kind of clue, but there was no label or anything on it.
“Frank just gave that to me,” Mikey informed me immediately, a sense of urgency in his tone. “He told me to swap it with your tape, because he wanted the school to hear the truth from him...”
Holy shit, what?
I snapped my head up to look at my brother in disbelief, completely blown away by the fact that Frank would have the nerve to make some kind of confession tape.
“He – he did? Why?”
Christ, when did he stop being such a fucking coward?
“Well, I’m about 97% sure it’s a suicide tape,” Mikey retorted bluntly, severing my fucking arteries with his rash words.
“What? No… don’t say that! He wouldn’t - It can’t be - No.” I was talking more to myself than anyone else now; I completely forgot about everyone else’s existence as I turned to the television in a state of panic and swapped the videos over, my hands shaking as I urgently pressed ‘play’.
And then I saw him right there, on the screen in front of me, looking worse than I had ever seen him. I’d seen his emotional side before, but this – this was something else. Something stronger, deeper and bigger… The sight of him made my heart lurch painfully in my chest.
His face was a pale greyish colour, stained with tears, and his eyes were red and swollen, so dark and so lifeless.
“I never thought my life would turn out this way,” he started talking, and his voice sounded just as broken as he looked.
And in those first few seconds, I knew. I didn’t need to see any more of this video to know that Mikey was right; Frank needed my help.
God, if I had seen or spoken to him in the last hour, I would have known before now… But I didn’t realise how bad things had gotten. I hadn’t been there for him in his hour of need… I had only added to the heartache inside him. What if I was too late to help now? I would never forgive myself.
I span around on the spot so fast, feeling like I might collapse from the sudden crippling fear in my heart.
“Where did he go?” I asked my brother desperately, and he tore his fearful eyes from the screen and stared at me helplessly.
“I don’t know…”
Fuck. I knew there was only one way out of this mess now – I had to find Frank and talk him out of it. But that wasn’t going to be an easy task when I had no idea where he would be.
My race against time had well and truly begun and I had wasted so much time already. Without another word or moment of hesitation, I started running as fast as my feet would carry me. I ran across the hall, blind to the hundreds of people staring at me incredulously, out of the gymnasium and into some kind of fucking maze that I was supposed to find Frank in, somewhere.
POV: Frank
I had no idea what I was going to say. There was so much I needed to get off my chest, but it was just so hard for me to say these things out loud, after keeping them inside and letting them tear me apart for all these years. I sat and stared into the camera’s lense for at least twenty minutes, before forcing myself to stop wasting time and press ‘record’, and hope the words would just come naturally to me.
They didn’t.
Spilling my heart and soul and fucking life out on camera wasn’t exactly a natural thing for me. But I forced myself to do it, promising myself the sweet release of death soon after the excruciating deed was done.
“I never thought my life would turn out this way,” I finally managed, my voice sounding choked with emotion. “Never thought it would fall apart so fast, after I’d spent all these years trying to build it up… Trying to be the tough guy that everyone wanted me to be… But that was never who I really was.”
I dropped my eyes down and exhaled shakily, fighting the urge to throw the camera across the room. I could feel it judging me at my most vulnerable, watching me bleeding all over the fucking table I was leaning on.
“The only reason I’m making this video now is because I don’t want my whole life to have been a lie… I’ve been lying to each and every one of you, denying what’s real, for too long,” I declared in a small voice, shaking from the overwhelming ache in my chest. I clenched my fists to try and control myself, but it only made me feel weaker. “But I – I can’t deny this pain inside of me anymore… It’s too much… It’s too much.”
It’s taking me over; eating me apart and I can’t take it anymore. Just – make it stop!
“I had a status at this school that I never deserved. I didn’t deserve your respect and admiration, or your hate and jealousy… I deserved nothing. Because that’s what my life is… Nothing,” I confessed shamefully, hanging my head and letting the tears run down my face. I didn’t bother wiping them away or trying to hide the depth of my pain; the whole point of this tape was to show everyone what I had been hiding my whole school life, after all.
I paused for a few heavy seconds, completely consumed in the devastation and emptiness I felt. Saying all of this out loud made my life seem even more pathetic than it did when these secrets were locked up inside me.
“There used to be a handful of p-people in my life that loved me… A few people I felt I c-could trust… And they were everything to me,” I choked out, my voice breaking under the strain of the overwhelming emotion, “And one by one, I’ve just watched them all disappear and – and fall out of love with me.”
There is no one left. No one who cares. Even I don’t care about me anymore… I’ve completely lost the will to live.
“My father was killed when I was 11,” I revealed darkly, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried to block out the agonising memories that came with the spoken truth. “I never told anyone about that, even the ones I called friends, because I was too ridden with grief and guilt… It was my fault. I fucked his life up for him.”
If only I had stayed in my room that night… I pushed Martin over the edge by being there. I should have stayed in bed. Fuck, I should have stayed in the goddamn womb. My dad had to live a life he never wanted because of me. He gave up on everything he really wanted when I came along. I know he resented me, and I fucking resent myself.
“My mother blamed me too… I know she did, deep down… That’s why she gave up on me,” I continued with difficulty, screwing my face up in anguish. I felt so pathetic admitting all of this, showing my scars to the world. I knew exactly how Matty would react when he heard this. He’d laugh. He’d be embarrassed to admit him and I were ever friends. But I was damn well sure of one thing: he could never hate me as much as I hated him.
“I was invisible in my own home for years… which I guess is why I was so determined to be noticed in this damned school. I wanted your undivided attention, but I didn’t want your pity… so I put on an act. Everything you thought you knew about me was a lie,” I spoke the last few words slowly, through half-gritted teeth. I suddenly felt a surge of anger shoot through me; I didn’t even feel sad anymore, just unbelievably angry at myself for letting all of this happen. I’d made the worst decisions ever and look where they had gotten me.
“You all thought I had the ‘perfect’ life with the ‘perfect’ friends and the ‘perfect’ cheerleader girlfriend,” I stared into the camera with dead eyes, but there was a trace of a smirk on my lips. It was kind of funny (in a ‘haha-kill-me’ kind of way) when I put it all into context and pictured myself the fake-perfect way everyone else had always done.
They thought I was happy – I’m not. I never was.
They thought I was tough – I’m not. I’m a fucking coward.
They thought I was straight – I’m not. I’m fucking in love with a guy they thought I hated.
“You were mistaken. My life is a dead-end, my girlfriend is a two-faced whore, and my best friend is a backstabbing bastard.”
There are not nearly enough curse words in the world for me to express my feelings towards Matty and Lydia. They fucked me over in the worst possible way, and if I was gonna stick around in this hell any longer, I would never forgive them for as long as I lived.
“And though it kills me that my best friend and my girlfriend went behind my back, and now she’s pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is, that’s NOT the worst part,” I shook my head slowly, shooting the camera daggers with my narrowed eyes. “No, the worst part is that I am in love with someone else… and he hates my guts.” I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, as mind conjured up a torturous image of Gerard. “Yeah, you heard right - I said he,” I croaked, my voice losing its sharp tone entirely.
I knew every single person in the room would have an identical shocked expression by now. The truth was a total stranger and I knew it would never be welcome; it would have doors everywhere slammed in its face. See, there was such a strong opposition against homosexuality in this shitty school. Hence part of the reason why I had never had the guts to come out and say this before…
“I am in love with Gerard Way,” I clarified in a quivering voice, trying so hard not to think of Gerard’s reaction when he saw this. I almost wanted to stick around just to see what it would be, but I knew that I couldn’t. “Yes - the guy I have called my number one enemy for six years… It’s no wonder he hates me, I know… I’ve broken him so many times I’ve lost count. And now… well, I’m broken too.”
There. I said it all. The whole truth is officially out. And dear fucking God, I have never felt worse about myself. Can I kill myself now or…?
I seriously considered ending the video there; just hitting the power button and finishing my confession. After all, I had confessed everything now. I had nothing left to hide; no more privacy, no more dignity…
But I stopped myself from ending it there, because I felt like I still had some explaining to do. People still wouldn’t understand why I killed myself, and maybe they never would, but I supposed the least I could do was say I was sorry.
“I’m not even gonna try and justify the way I’ve lived my life… And I’m not gonna try and justify ending it either. All I have to say is, there is nothing keeping me here anymore... There’s nothing left for me except hate and pain, and I’m not strong enough to fight it anymore… Not on my own, not like this. I can’t… I’m sorry…” My voice was breaking again now, the tears burning my eyes once more, as I reached forward with a trembling hand to turn off the camera.
“I’m sorry,” I said one last time, before putting an abrupt end to the video, just like the abrupt end I was going to put to my life.
***
-Present time-
POV: Gerard
Five minutes to go. Okay, wow, there’s a lot of people here… When I said I was going to do a presentation about Frank’s Iero’s life in front of the whole school, I don’t think I thought it all the way through… I’m definitely gonna get stage fright. But oh well, too late to back out now.
Bob and Ray were standing by my side, watching as hundreds of students filed into the gymnasium and took to their seats, but they weren’t exactly doing much to calm my nerves.
“Oh, go on, give me a sneak preview of the video! No one’s looking,” Bob badgered me for the seventh time, trying to press play on the video, but I just slapped his hand away for the seventh time.
“Jesus, you’re like a child, control yourself!”
I have the video in the right place and I don’t want to be faffing around when the assembly starts, damn it.
“Gerard, are you sure you want to do this?” Ray asked me for the fourth time, the same look of concern on his face. “You’ll be expelled for it.” Of course that was his only concern about the whole thing: my destroyed education. Alas, I cared not about it.
“Oh, for God’s sake, how many times-” I stopped talking abruptly as my narrowed eyes fell on my brother running across vast hall towards me. “Dear God, what now?”
He had already lectured me once today, what else could he possibly have to say to me? I groaned loudly and mentally prepared myself for another long rant from him about how badly I’m gonna hurt Frank, blah blah blah. Why couldn’t he just understand this was something I had to do?
When he finally got to me, he was actually out of breath from his overdramatic run across the gym.
“Oh, don’t even start, Mikey,” I held up my hand in ignorant protest, failing to be swayed by the look of desperation on his face.
I expected him to start whining again about how I’m making a mistake and stuff, but he didn’t whine. He took a more forceful approach and grabbed me by the shirt with one hand, pulling me closer to him and glaring deep into my soul. Clearly, he was in no mood to fuck around.
“Mikey!” Bob gasped from somewhere in the background, but all I could see and focus on was my brother’s stern face inches from mine.
“No – you listen to me,” he insisted strongly, in between sharp breaths. “You can’t go through with this. If you do, I swear to God, I’ll never speak to you again. I’m serious, Gerard - Frank needs your help right now, not your stupid fucking revenge.” He let go of me and just shoved a video tape into my chest, making my stagger backwards slightly as I took hold of it uncertainly, wide-eyed and tongue-tied.
I had never seen my brother act like this before. What the fuck was going on? When did he become so goddamn close with Frank Iero that he would even think of never talking to me again if I went through with this? And why the fuck would Frank ‘need my help’ right now?
I frowned at the tape, turning it over in my hands for some kind of clue, but there was no label or anything on it.
“Frank just gave that to me,” Mikey informed me immediately, a sense of urgency in his tone. “He told me to swap it with your tape, because he wanted the school to hear the truth from him...”
Holy shit, what?
I snapped my head up to look at my brother in disbelief, completely blown away by the fact that Frank would have the nerve to make some kind of confession tape.
“He – he did? Why?”
Christ, when did he stop being such a fucking coward?
“Well, I’m about 97% sure it’s a suicide tape,” Mikey retorted bluntly, severing my fucking arteries with his rash words.
“What? No… don’t say that! He wouldn’t - It can’t be - No.” I was talking more to myself than anyone else now; I completely forgot about everyone else’s existence as I turned to the television in a state of panic and swapped the videos over, my hands shaking as I urgently pressed ‘play’.
And then I saw him right there, on the screen in front of me, looking worse than I had ever seen him. I’d seen his emotional side before, but this – this was something else. Something stronger, deeper and bigger… The sight of him made my heart lurch painfully in my chest.
His face was a pale greyish colour, stained with tears, and his eyes were red and swollen, so dark and so lifeless.
“I never thought my life would turn out this way,” he started talking, and his voice sounded just as broken as he looked.
And in those first few seconds, I knew. I didn’t need to see any more of this video to know that Mikey was right; Frank needed my help.
God, if I had seen or spoken to him in the last hour, I would have known before now… But I didn’t realise how bad things had gotten. I hadn’t been there for him in his hour of need… I had only added to the heartache inside him. What if I was too late to help now? I would never forgive myself.
I span around on the spot so fast, feeling like I might collapse from the sudden crippling fear in my heart.
“Where did he go?” I asked my brother desperately, and he tore his fearful eyes from the screen and stared at me helplessly.
“I don’t know…”
Fuck. I knew there was only one way out of this mess now – I had to find Frank and talk him out of it. But that wasn’t going to be an easy task when I had no idea where he would be.
My race against time had well and truly begun and I had wasted so much time already. Without another word or moment of hesitation, I started running as fast as my feet would carry me. I ran across the hall, blind to the hundreds of people staring at me incredulously, out of the gymnasium and into some kind of fucking maze that I was supposed to find Frank in, somewhere.
♠ ♠ ♠
Heh, unoriginal storyline is STILL unoriginal..Thanks for commenting:
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