I Can Transform You

POV: Frank

I knew he would always give up on me. I’d given up on myself; he was fighting a lost battle. I was hopeless and pathetic, yes, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t fucking help it. How did anyone ever overcome this kind of haunting emptiness and desperation to escape life altogether? Seriously. I couldn’t see any easy way out of this.

I lay there hopelessly on the motel bed long after Gerard had gone, falling deeper and deeper into an abyss of despair, and yet I didn’t shed a single tear. I was all cried out. There was a different emotion controlling my every bitter thought now: anger. Anger at myself for being weak, anger at Gerard for leaving, and anger at every single person who had played any part in ripping out my heart.

I didn’t know how to relieve this built-up emotion inside of me. Screaming into my pillow helped nothing, it just made my throat sore. My whole body was still tense with rage and I was seconds away from punching the wall, when an alternative idea suddenly struck me. An idea that wouldn’t result in a broken hand… I wasn’t quite sure what it would result in, to be honest, but I was willing to put everything on the line and find out.

My heart was racing as I pulled out my cell phone and punched in a number I knew all-too-well, choosing to completely ignore Gerard’s warning voice in my head. Where was he now, huh? Maybe I’d listen to him if he was still here, but he’s not; he’s long gone.

Besides, I was too blinded by anger to think rationally about the consequences right now. They were irrelevant. I needed to get my feelings off my fucking chest, and if anyone wholeheartedly deserved to be on the receiving end of my anger, it was my backstabbing girlfriend.

My hand was actually shaking from the intense rage coursing through me, as I held the phone to my ear and listened impatiently to the dial tone. I hadn’t even considered how hearing the sound of her voice would affect me until it was too late.

“Frank?” she answered suddenly, sounding hopeful and incredulous, and all the air in the room seemed to condense drastically. “Oh my God, you have no idea how relieved - I’ve been so worried! Everyone has, fuck, we thought you were… uh…” she trailed off fearfully, too scared to say it the worrying truth out loud. They thought I was dead. Well, no shit... That was kind of the message I was conveying in the video.

I wanted to respond, to shout at her and tell her I wished I was dead after what she had done to me, but her tearful voice was having an unexplainable effect on me – My heart was twisting into some kind of knot and I felt like I was choking on a fucking lung. I couldn’t breathe, let alone talk.

“Frank?” she said again, this time in a quieter, more apprehensive voice. “Are you there? Say something, baby, please.”

This got me talking.

“Don’t - fucking - call me baby,” I managed to choke out, my eyes tearing up with the overwhelming pain inside me. I squeezed them shut and screwed my whole face up in an attempt to keep my rage and devastation under control.

“Okay, you’re angry… but come on, Frank, give me a chance to explain,” she responded desperately, as if this was an argument she could prevent and my heart was something she could easily mend with a simple explanation.

I was taken aback by her downright nerve. She wasn’t even apologising. Not that I wanted her to, because it wouldn’t change a fucking thing, but her excuses were the last thing I needed.

“Explain how you fucked my best friend?” I retorted through gritted teeth, my voice so strained I no longer sounded like myself. “Save it! I don’t wanna fucking hear it!”

There was nothing she could say to justify her actions, nothing would make me feel even the slightest bit better about any of this, so what was the point?

“Frank, please - it only happened once! And I wasn’t in my right mind, okay,” she cried, trying so hard and failing so miserably to redeem herself in my eyes. “I was drunk and – you and me had just had a fight – and Matty was there – and – and he was telling me he loved me and all this shit, and – oh God. I didn’t mean to, it just – happened.”

Ohhhh! It just happened. I see. No hard feelings then! OH WAIT, my feelings have never been harder.

“Don’t!” I shouted furiously, “Just - shut the fuck up!” I was shaking my head so vigorously by this point, trying to erase every image in my head of her and Matty that she had just intensified with her pitiful excuses. I didn’t need her to paint the fucking picture for me. “None of that shit matters, Lydia! All that fucking matters is you went behind my back - you cheated on me! With my best fucking friend!”

God, it was like history repeating itself all over again. I’d barely gotten over my last girlfriend cheating on me with one of my friends, and now it’s happened again? Ugh, why the fuck couldn’t anyone stay loyal to me? I fucking hated everyone.

“Yeah, and you cheated on me with Gerard Way!” she shouted back, her tone changing completely, her defences firing up and breaking through mine. “Like, what the fuck was that about? You went behind my back too, so don’t you dare play the victim in all of this!”

Having Gerard’s name thrown at me so suddenly like that threw my heart out of sync and completely fucked up my anger levels. Jesus Christ, she really knew how to push all my buttons. There were so many emotions colliding within me that I found myself momentarily lost for words.

Technically, she was right. I had gone as far as third base with Gerard, so I was a total fucking hypocrite for ranting at her for cheating. But that didn’t make any of this easier on me. I mean, okay, I fucked up too, but knowing that didn’t really help me adjust to the knife in my back. Her knife had crippled me, fucking damaging my entire backbone in the process. I had no strength left in me now; my world had fallen apart.

“You’re fucking pathetic, Frank,” she continued angrily, twisting the knife deeper, causing my eyes to tear up from the sharp stinging sensation. “You are NOT the guy I thought you were… I fell in love with the guy you were pretending to be, not the real you.”

I hung my head in shame at this, hating myself for faking everything. I wished I could take it all back, but I couldn’t. The most I could do now was try and turn over a new leaf and carry on with my head held high. If that was even possible… I wasn’t sure it was.

“I did what I had to do,” I defended myself lamely, forcing myself to stand my ground. “You’ll never understand that, I know… Gerard was the only one who ever really understood. And that’s why I’m not even sorry I cheated on you with him… He’s better for me than you ever were.”

My tone wasn’t sharp or venomous, just composed and sincere. After all this time, I was finally being real with her. I wasn’t holding back from the truth in any way; I was finally facing up to it. It might have taken me seven years to figure this shit out, but I could see now that Gerard was everything I’d ever wanted. A true best friend and a true love. Yes, I could see that now that it was too late. Now that he had given up on me.

He was the only one that understood me, but even he couldn’t understand how I was feeling right now. Of course he couldn’t; he hadn’t been through this. I was completely on my own in this.

But maybe that was for the best… At least having no one meant that no one could hurt me. I needed to learn to rely on myself and no one else. Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be wise of me to trust anyone else with my heart again this soon, when it hadn’t even been put back together yet.

But God, I was so conflicted in my feelings about Gerard. On the one hand, I just wanted to be with him, to hold him in my arms and let him love and protect me, but I couldn’t, because nothing scared me more than the thought of giving my heart away again. Part of me desperately wanted to keep it to myself, on lockdown, at least while it was still in pieces… But then, would it ever mend that way?

I was so fucking torn.

“Yeah, well, maybe Matty is better for me than you,” Lydia snapped, her tone full of venom. I didn’t know whether she truly meant it or was just saying it to hurt me. The strange thing was, it didn’t hurt me… because I actually found myself agreeing with her.

“Good, you two deserve eachother,” I retorted, and my tone was pretty sharp this time, because hello, I wasn’t exactly meaning it as a compliment or giving them my blessing. “I’m going to do something now that I should have done a long time ago…” I paused and took a deep breath, willing myself onwards. This was the first real step I was taking in confronting my problems and trying to solve them, instead of hiding from them. “I’m cutting you out of my life.” Whatever’s left of it, at least.

I knew it was going to be hard – moving on with your life was never very easy, no matter what you were moving on from. And this was especially hard because, God, I still loved her. I couldn’t kid myself into thinking I didn’t and that’s what made this hard… BUT I would never forgive her for what she did to me. Everything had changed. We were once the perfect match – most popular boy and girl in school – and now we were a match made in hell.

“Wait – what? You can’t!” she replied with a sudden urgency that took me by surprise. I had not anticipated such a strong reaction; I thought she would just tell me she didn’t want anything to do with me either. Apparently not… “What about the baby?”

Oh, right. The kid that may or may not be mine… Shit. I’d had so much on my mind lately, I’d completely forgotten all about her being pregnant. But now that she had reminded me, all I could hear was Matty’s sneering voice in my head: “You might wanna get a DNA test before you say that baby is yours.” Son-of-a-BITCH.

I couldn’t stop the anger firing up inside of me, fast and fatal, like a volcano erupting.

“You don’t even know that it’s mine!” I shouted short-temperedly. This baby was like a permanent reminder of her deceit – it would always haunt me. “And even if it is, I don’t care! I want nothing to do with you or that baby,” I spat, too blinded by my anger to feel any guilt about this.

I knew I was being totally selfish, taking my anger out on an innocent child who was caught in the middle of this shit, but I couldn’t even get my head around the fact that it could possibly be mine. I was utterly convinced it was Matty’s, for some reason.

“Frank, please,” Lydia resolved to begging, but it only made me angrier. “You promised you would help me raise this baby!”

“And you promised me there was nothing between you and Matty,” I shot back lividly, thinking of the other night when I confronted her about it and she looked me dead in the eye and lied to my fucking face.

And I know that I wasn’t exactly faithful either, but Jesus Christ, I never specifically told her there was nothing between me and Gerard. I didn’t take offence and make a fucking scene about her not trusting me, when the whole time I was actually screwing her over… She fucking made me feel bad for ever doubting her, and I was right all along!

“Looks like we both lied,” I pointed out flatly, my finger hovering over the ‘end call’ button. “I’ll see you in hell, bitch,” I declared finally, before I pressed it, abruptly killing the conversation while I still had the last word.

And then I heaved the biggest sigh ever and collapsed on the bed with my face pressed against my pillow.

***

I guess I must have fallen asleep like that because, next thing I knew, I was being awaken by a series of strange noises. First, there was a distinct creaking of floorboards, which made my eyes snap open and my whole body freeze, as my ears strained desperately for any more unnerving sounds. Almost immediately, I heard a door clicking shut and a light being flicked on, and holy fucking Jesus, why did it sound so close? Were these walls just made of paper or what?

Slowly and cautiously, I lifted my head from the darkness of my pillow and let my eyes adjust to the darkness in the room. I had a horrible feeling that I had not fallen asleep with the light turned off… But I must have, because how else would it be off right now? I glanced over at the curtains and found that they were still open, just like I had left them, and I could see the pitch black sky outside, letting me know that it was the middle of the night… A time when people should be asleep, and yet I could still hear someone shuffling around nearby…

I gulped nervously and sunk lower in the bed, pulling the duvet up to my eyes, and trying not to think about Satan and his minions coming to get me. I tried to tell myself the sounds I was hearing were probably just people in the room next to me going to the bathroom or something. But oh God, what if it wasn’t? What if the rooms around me were empty and I was hearing something else? Like a poltergeist?

Shit. I was all vulnerable and alone in this haunted, terrifying excuse of a motel. What was I thinking choosing to spend the night here? I deeply regretted that decision now. I wanted to leave RIGHT NOW, but I didn’t know where I would go. I felt so helpless and alone in such a big, scary world.

Ugh, I just wanted Gerard to be here with me, to calm my nerves and put his arms around me… Damn it, why did he have to leave me? I really wasn’t cut out for this solitary shit right now.

I nearly jumped out the fucking window when the sound of running water suddenly assaulted my eardrums. Again, it sounded so close… Too close. I peered through my covers, looking across the motel room at the door to the on-suite toilet. I stared anxiously at the crack in the door and the light that was spilling out from under it, and I strained myself for any memory of leaving the bathroom light on. But then, I noticed a shadow infiltrate the light, and my eyes widened in horror. Something was moving on the other side of the door.

Dear God, my death was imminent.

In a moment of frantic panic, I leapt out of bed and searched the room desperately for something to defend myself with. ANY kind of weapon would do. All I could find was an ancient candlestick in the window sill that looked like it was on the verge of falling apart. Brilliant. I could definitely protect myself from my attacker with this piece of shit.

I crept across the room slowly, one shaky step at a time, and my heart was pounding so fucking hard, I feared I may die of an aneurism before I even reached the bathroom door. Well, at least then I wouldn’t have to attempt to fight some immortal monster for my life.

But I did make it to the door, and then I just hesitated outside of it, paralysed in fear. The sound of running water had stopped now and I could hear light footsteps against the tiles, and then suddenly, the door handle was rattling, and I bit my tongue to keep from yelling out as I raised the candlestick threateningly. A small whimper did manage to escape my lips though, as the door slowly creaked open.

I closed my eyes and just lunged forward with the candlestick, launching my attack on my predator, and the so-called predator let out a less-than-intimidating yelp of surprise and jumped out of the way.

“Are you fucking insane?” a voice demanded frantically, sounding strangely familiar and nothing like an evil demon.

My head exploded and my eyes snapped open immediately to make sure my ears weren’t deceiving me. They weren’t - Gerard was the poltergeist and he was cowering away from me with his hands over his face.

“Gerard?” I frowned uncertainly, still holding the candlestick up high and taking an instinctive step closer to him. Was I seeing things here or what? “What the fuck?!”

Well, this was a definite plot twist. It was looking like I wasn’t going to be murdered tonight after all… Gerard was.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded in disbelief, blinking repeatedly to try and verify that he was really here.

“I’ve been here the whole time,” he retorted brusquely, like it was the most obvious answer in the world and not one that made no sense at all. “Can you lower the goddamn candlestick?” He was still holding a hand over his face in case I tried to attack him again. Honestly, I was thinking about it…

“What? No, you left…” I disagreed slowly, still frowning at him. There were many thoughts running through my head at this moment, and I was definitely questioning my sanity. Had I dreamt that he left or…?

“I didn’t leave – I was right outside the door the whole time,” he informed me impatiently, before reaching out for my candlestick. “Give me that,” he hissed, and I handed it over without even thinking. I was too confused to keep up my aggressive act now.

“You… what?” He was outside the door the whole time? “Why?”

“Well, I was hoping you might change your mind and come after me,” he sighed, his eyes staring deep into mine. “I was never going to leave you, Frank. I was just trying to make you see sense.”

I could feel the anger boiling in my veins once again. I thought he had fucking abandoned me, I felt totally helpless and alone, and he was here the whole time, just trying to teach me a lesson?

“I told you I would come home when I was ready,” I snapped, narrowing my eyes dangerously. “Why did you have to fucking push me? You said you were going to help me, but you just made me feel even worse about myself than I already did!”

I was so ashamed of myself for not being brave enough to go with Gerard. For being so fucking pathetic. It didn't help my self-esteem issues AT ALL.

“Did I?” He looked sceptical of my words, for some reason, and I didn’t understand why he wasn’t fucking grovelling for my forgiveness yet. “I didn’t hear you cry once in the five hours I was listening outside the door,” he continued slowly, and I detected admiration in his eyes. “I heard you facing your problem with the girl that broke your heart… something that I didn’t think you were ready for. You demonstrated strength and a desire to move on with your life and I was so fucking proud.”

That wiped the anger off my face, leaving me expressionless. I hadn’t realised until he said it out loud what I had really achieved tonight. He was right; I hadn't cried. I'd been angry more than sad, really... Was that an improvement?

“I’m sorry that I was a jerk about it, Frankie,” he kept talking softly, and I could feel the ice around my heart beginning to melt, his words and his presence overwhelming me. “I shouldn’t have left. I was selfish, thinking only about what I wanted and not what you needed…” He took a step forward and reached out for my hand that was hanging limply by my side, and slipped his own hand into it. The contact sent an electric current through my veins and straight to my heart, making it skip erratically. “But I’ve had time to think about it and I get it now. I’m not going to push you anymore - I know you’ll get there in the end.”

He gave me a feeble smile and I found myself returning it. Hearing those words felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. He gets it. I wasn’t alone anymore; I had Gerard, and he was like a breath of fresh air in a poisonous world, breathing the life back into me.

“Yeah, I will,” I nodded slowly, feeling refreshed from the newfound hope inside of me. I was gradually starting to believe in myself again. I could do this.

“Come on, it's late - let’s get some sleep,” he suggested lightly, giving my hand a squeeze and taking me back to bed.

I felt much more content climbing into that bed with him by my side. I was safe now. From both myself and the world around me.

As we lay there beside eachother, our eyes held the other’s gaze through the darkness, and I took it upon myself to lean in and catch his lips with mine, my hand coming up to hold his face. It was the most tender kiss of my life and my heart fucking exploded with it. It was incredible what one kiss from Gerard could do to me. He made me feel complete.

Neither of us pulled back, even when our lips lost eachother, my hand continued to caress his face, and we just stayed there, eyes closed, noses touching, breathing gently.

And that’s how we fell asleep.