I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

Frank’s words were still fresh in my mind and hanging in the air between us, combining temptingly with the rising sexual tension, as our hands pulled each other closer and our lips collided again in a passionate, messy kiss.

Things progressed at a fast and reckless pace and I pretty much just accepted my fate of cardiac arrest when Frank pulled me down on top of him as he leaned back on the bed submissively, holding my face in his hands and not once breaking the kiss. But of course, being the awkward, inexperienced klutz that I am, I ruined the moment by accidentally kneeing him in the crotch, harder than he would have liked, judging by the sharp intake of breath he made.

“Sorry, sorry,” I apologised, mentally kicking myself in the fucking crotch for being such a goddamn lump. Like what the fuck, I have no physical coordination whatsoever. I groaned and bowed my head in embarrassment, while Frank took a second to recover from being kicked in the balls.

“It’s okay, hey…” He lifted my chin up with two fingers, searching for my eyes, and when he found them, he smiled a goofy yet adorable smile that made my heart pound even harder. “If I’m moving too fast, just say… You don’t have to try and take out Frank junior!”

The teasing expression on his face and the fact that he called his dick ‘Frank junior’ made me bow my head again, this time giggling in spite of myself. The moment should have been ruined at that point, but part of me still really wanted to keep going. I just wished my nerves would calm the fuck down and stop getting the better of me.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated like a moron, burying my face in the crook of his neck and inhaling slowly, breathing in the scent of Lynx shower gel and melting into him on the exhale. “I’m just nervous.”

“I know,” he murmured in my ear, running a hand up and down my side in encouragement. “Here, lie down…” He shifted underneath me and slowly rolled me onto my back, changing up the positions for the good of his crotch, no doubt.

I expected him to crawl on top of me, but he just stayed where he was beside me, propping himself up on one elbow and staring down at me intently. I could see a hint of anxiety in his eyes, but he was doing a much better job at concealing all nervous energy than I was. I knew him well enough to know he probably was just as nervous as me, but there was just an air of determination about him, especially in his focused gaze.

He reached out to cup my face with one hand, gazing deeply into my eyes, and I felt my heart stop. I couldn’t believe that after all this time, I finally had him all to myself. He was so beautiful and still so fragile, but he was slowly opening up and giving himself to me; mind, heart, body and soul. There was hope in me again that he might tell me the truth about his fucked up past and repair some of the damage, but I knew it would not be a quick, painless process. I also knew that now was not the time for that. There was a hunger in his eyes that yearned for intimacy of the physical kind.

I found it hard to keep breathing when his eyes gradually drifted away from mine and down my body, taking in every inch of me like it was the first time he was really seeing me. I was helpless under his stare; all I could do was lie there and watch him watch me. And when he started trailing his hand down my t-shirt in a seductive manner, his fingers dancing over the thin material, right down to the hem, I knew what was coming, and it took everything in me not to seize up and cause myself some kind of injury.

“Can I…?” he quirked an eyebrow at me, his fingers sneaking under my shirt very slightly, touching soft skin, and my breath hitched in my throat.

Oh, God. Was I ready to do this?

Well, my dick was saying yes, and my heart was actually in agreement with it. The panicked voices in my head, however, were yelling in objection, all screaming different things about how fat and ugly I am, which was obviously really helping my nerves and self-esteem.

“I’m fat,” I blurted out without really meaning to, foolishly listening to the voices and letting them take over. I hugged my arms around myself, trying to hold down my t-shirt and hide the fat that I had just drawn his attention to.

For a second, he just froze, words seeming to fail him. And I couldn’t exactly blame him for being at a loss - that self-conscious shit came out of nowhere. He blinked at me and then furrowed his eyebrows slightly, his hand slipping out from under my top.

“No, you’re not.”

Theoretically, his pants should be on fire right now, because he was a total liar. But instead, his tone was soft and his eyes were comforting and his pants were certainly not going up in flames.

“You’re beautiful,” he added in that same silky voice, putting a hand on my arm, which was still holding my stomach protectively.

Jesus Christ, Frank. There’s white lies, and then there’s just straight-up, bold-faced lies…

“Beautiful?” I repeated, sounding most disgusted at his choice of adjective. I was in disbelief that he would think that, let alone say it, and I felt like a complete joke. I swear he had to be either mocking me or just trying anything to get into my pants, because he was chatting shit. “Don’t fuck with me, Frank. I’m ugly.”

His jaw actually dropped with that verging-on-aggressive outburst. It probably seemed like I was getting worked up over nothing, but that wasn’t the case, okay. I’d always been plagued by low self-esteem and confidence, and now that I was faced with the prospect of being completely naked in front of someone else for the first time in my life – not to mention someone as insanely good-looking as Frank - I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere far away and just stay there. My nerves were through the fucking roof.

“I’m not fucking with you! Why are you freaking out?” His face was a picture of worry and I felt kind of guilty for concerning him, but at the same time, I was not about to apologise for being insecure.

“I’m not! I just… don’t understand what you see in me.”

I’d never understood it and I just couldn’t accept it. It made no sense. Frank could have anyone he wanted. He was seriously way out of my league. Why the hell did he want me?

“And I don’t understand what you see in me,” he responded at once, taking hold of one my hands and staring passionately into my eyes. “But just because we don’t see what each other see in ourselves doesn’t mean it’s not there, does it? I could give you a mile long list of what I see in you and you could do the same for me and we still wouldn’t see it in ourselves.” Huh, this is true... “But that’s okay, Gee, we don’t need to – as long as we see something special in each other, that’s all that matters.”

He squeezed my hand and leaned forward to kiss me on the temple, and suddenly, I understood. It didn’t matter that I saw myself as inadequate, because in Frank’s eyes, I wasn’t.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed, mentally kicking myself in the crotch again for being a pathetic, whiny loser.

“Stop apologising,” he frowned, then he just kissed me hard on the lips, shutting me up there and then in case I apologised again. Which I totally would have. But instead, I just moved my lips against his.

I was fully intending on deepening the kiss and turning it into a full-on make-out session, but it seemed that he had other ideas, because he pulled back quite quickly and kind of shrunk away from me, clearing his throat and casually asking, “So, you wanna watch a film now?”

I didn’t understand his sudden change in attitude. I swear the temperature between us was hotter than ever, so why was he suddenly acting like the sexual tension was non-existent? Did he really not feel it or was he just ignoring it because the moment had been ruined twice now? Fuck, I still wanted this. I couldn’t ignore the heat; I was determined to get third time lucky.

“No, I want…” I trailed off, swallowing my nerves and forcing myself to just go for it, taking his hand slowly down my body, guiding him steadily to my crotch.

His eyes widened slightly at my forwardness and darted between my hand holding his right against my package and my eyes, which were staring pleadingly at him.

“Oh,” he cleared his throat again and grazed his bottom lip between his teeth. He looked nervous suddenly, now that I was pretty much forcing him to touch me up, and I blushed and hastily let go of his hand, so he could move it if he wanted to. I didn’t want to pressure him or anything.

For a moment, nothing happened; he didn’t move his hand, didn’t say a word, didn’t even blink. I was literally on the verge of freaking out and apologising again when I felt his hand finally come alive, his fingers curling up to cup me through my jeans and start rubbing me with firm but gentle pressure. He was being a whole lot nicer to my crotch than I had been to his.

He studied my face closely the whole time, feeding off my reaction, and when my mouth fell open into a silent gasp, the flash of lust in his eyes was unmissable and all signs of nerves disappeared. It was a confidence boost he needed and he practically transformed before my eyes, the lust taking him over, and he crashed our lips together again for another passionate kiss.

While my tongue was busy in his mouth, my hand reached out to palm him through his jeans and return the favour. I could feel the outline of his hard-on and it seemed somewhat surreal, because I’d never felt another dick besides my own, and I can’t say I’d ever thought about doing so – well, until I fell for Frank, and that was so long ago, it was hard to believe this was finally happening. We were really doing this.

“Shit, wanna touch you properly,” he gasped into my mouth, a little out of breath. “Do you want – can I –” His hands were on my zipper now, but he didn’t seem to be able to get the right words out in his worked up state.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

“Yeah,” I breathed, biting my lip and trying not to drown in the alluring desire in his eyes.
He nodded and started fumbling with my button, trying to open it with one hand, which was a total waste of time with that stiff motherfucker.

“Here, let me,” I batted his hand out of the way and latched onto the button with my own two hands, wrestling to undo it. It proved even harder than usual and I blamed it on my trembling hands.

Come on, you piece of wank, cooperate with me…

“Those are some serious cockblocking pants you’ve got there,” Frank noted, sounding relatively amused whilst watching me practically work up a sweat trying to break free.

Ugh, is this shit fucking serious right now? My God, it should be illegal for buttons on pants to be this stiff when the cock behind it is also stiff. I mean, I don’t usually need a quick escape (unless I’m bursting for a piss or something) but these are some tight pants, and there’s only so hard my dick can get within its constraints before I do myself some serious damage.

All of a sudden, as my battle with my pants waged on, there was a loud bang on the door, which made both of us jump violently and then just freeze with our eyes on the door.

“Frank? Open up please,” a familiar nasally voice called out, making my hands spring away from my pants at once, surrendering to the neverending fight.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Frank snapped his head back to me, as if he thought I would confirm that this unwanted interruption was in fact a joke.

“Those are some serious cockblocking nurses you’ve got there,” I muttered, cursing the universe for being completely against us going all the way tonight. Anyone would think we weren’t destined to ever have sex. I especially wasn’t, not with Frank, not with anyone. I was going to die a virgin, I just knew it.

“Fuck our lives,” he exhaled noisily, swinging his legs off the bed and reluctantly getting to his feet.

As he headed over to open the door, I shifted into an upright position on the bed, trying my best to look as innocent as possible and not so hot and bothered. I wasn’t sure what the institute’s policy on patients having sex in their rooms was, but I figured it was probably frowned upon and I didn’t want the nurse getting on my case about it.

“Yes?” Frank swung the door open and greeted his nurse brusquely, sounding most irritated. He could certainly be abrupt when he wanted to be.

“Hello to you too, Frank,” she responded indignantly, calling him out on his bad manners, which I personally thought was a pretty risky move with the temper he was capable of. “Your therapy session with Mrs. Leigh has been rescheduled,” she went on importantly, “She would like to see you in her office immediately.”

Ah. Of course she would.

“What? Why?” Frank questioned, sounding more curious than annoyed, but I knew the annoyance would return as soon as an explanation had been given, whatever it was.

“Because she said so,” was the oh-so-informative answer, which satisfied none of our curiosity. “I’m sure she’ll explain all when you get there.”

This shit sounds pretty serious…

I watched Frank’s expression harden and I knew the annoyance was back in full-force.

“Well, no, now’s not a good time for me,” he snapped, shrugging obnoxiously. I glanced at the nurse and found her pursing her lips, looking like she wanted to grab him by the shrugging shoulders and just shake him. I silently applauded her self-control. Frank could definitely be impossible to deal with at times.

“Gerard’s here!” he stated the obvious, throwing an arm out to gesture in my direction. The nurse’s eyes swept over me and I blushed slightly, out of embarrassment for Frank’s behaviour, mostly. I felt like I wanted to be anywhere but here right now, where I was just being unhelpful by getting in the way of his therapy.

“And I’m sure he wouldn’t mind waiting half an hour for you to get back,” she replied calmly, looking at Frank and then back at me with a warm smile, adding “Would you, dear?”

I was so caught off-guard at being dragged into a conversation I wanted to stay way out of, I recoiled slightly in surprise.

“Oh, no,” I spoke up hastily, my eyes darting between Frank and his nurse like a deer in headlights. She smiled at me, but he just narrowed his eyes, looking sceptical. “I wouldn’t,” I added in a lower, more convincing tone.

And it was the truth. Of course I wouldn’t mind him leaving me right now to go to therapy. That was the whole reason he was here, after all, and the sooner he sorted out his personal issues with himself, the sooner he could come home with me – and that was what we were working for. I just wanted freedom for him. And happiness too. God knows I wanted to make him happy… But did I even have the power to?

“You could even come in with him, if you’d like,” the nurse suddenly invited me, catching me off-guard again.

I hadn’t even considered going to therapy with Frank as an option, but now that the offer was out there, I realised how badly I wanted to. How badly I wanted to be there by his side, helping; just holding his hand, being his rock. Maybe that was the key to getting him to finally open up…

“What?” Frank burst out at once, looking at his nurse in what I can only describe as outrage. “No! Absolutely not!” His tone was razor-sharp and it cut right through me, but he was oblivious to my flinching, because he was too busy glaring at his nurse and shaking his head vigorously, letting her know how disgusted he was by her audacious suggestion.

A heavy silence followed his outburst, with both me and the nurse just staring at him, stunned. Neither of us anticipated such a strong response from him. Especially me. I didn’t realise just how determined he still was to shut me out of that dark side of his life. I thought we were a team now and he was going to make progress with my help, but here he was flat-out refusing to let me in. Didn’t he trust me?

“Very well. Time to go, Frank,” the nurse finally broke the silence, sounding somewhat disheartened, just like I felt. It was clear that she thought it would have been good for him to have me there. Too bad he was so damn stubborn.

“But…” he continued to protest, turning back to me imploringly, like he needed something from me. But what? A reason not to go to his therapy session today, and avoid facing his psychological problems?

I felt so useless. Like I was just distracting him from what was really important. It was clear to me in that moment what I had to do. I couldn’t quite meet his eyes as I got to my feet quite abruptly and declared: “Uh, you know what, I just remembered I have to go now anyway.”

I didn’t stand around or give myself chance to catch his disappointed expression, I just grabbed my jacket from the bed and put it on hastily, muttering, “Stuff to do… homework and shit,” more to myself than Frank. And it was true that I had homework, but I was just using it as an excuse to leave, because I just didn’t want to be here anymore. The atmosphere was suffocating.

My emotions were running high and I was in such a rush suddenly; literally all I could manage was a brief kiss on his cheek as I brushed past him, and a half-hearted “see you later” before I disappeared out the door.