I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

I walked all the way home from the hospital in the pouring rain and it took me a good hour and a half; needless to say, when I arrived home I was a fucking drowned rat, only moments away from hypothermia. I wanted nothing more than to run myself a nice hot bath and just relax in the tub for the remainder of my evening, but of course, my father had other ideas.

“Where on earth have you been?” he descended upon me faster than the torrential rainstorm I had just swam home in, as soon as I closed the front door behind me.

“Ray’s house,” I lied smoothly, no hesitating or stammering or even batting an eyelid.

I was so used to telling this lie by now. I’d even covered my ass by making sure Ray was in on it too, just in case my dad decided to stick his nose in my business like he usually did. He definitely seemed suspicious of how much time I was spending with Ray, but he couldn’t get angry at me for hanging out with friends. Not like he would if he knew I was actually visiting Frank, in spite of his clear instructions not to…

“Oh really?” he folded his arms with interest, and my heart dropped at the knowing look in his eye. He never usually reacted this way… Something was up. “Because I just saw Ray at the seven eleven in town.”

Oh. That’s what’s up… Fuck, I’m so screwed.

“Y-you did?” Cue the stammering and hesitating and rapid blinking. “Oh, yeah, we just, uh, went to get… food. I was – I was with him, didn’t you… you didn’t see me?”

I was the world’s worst bullshitter. If I had to make something up on the spot, I was 100% doomed. My brain just didn’t work that fast, God damn it!

“He was with his gran, Gerard, stop with the compulsive lies,” my dad snapped, his lips thinning in anger. “I rang Frank’s institute earlier to see how he was doing, and guess what?”

I averted my gaze to the floor and shuffled uncomfortably on the spot, refusing to guess anything. I knew shit was about to hit the fan now and I just wanted to disappear into thin air.

“Turns out my oldest son is a disobedient little liar, going behind my back and visiting Frank after I specifically told him not to,” he continued in a low, dangerous voice, the vein on his forehead getting increasingly bigger, signalling the approaching explosion of anger.

I swallowed nervously and took an instinctive step backwards, but somewhere inside of me there was still an air of defiance, and before I realised what I was doing, I was taking my life in my hands and trying to defend my actions.

“He needs me, Dad, okay? I couldn’t just abandon him!” I cried out, throwing my arms in the air in a dramatic gesture. “He needs my help! You don’t understand!”

Seriously, he would never understand how much we needed eachother. Because it wasn’t just Frank in need of love and support here, it was me too.

“No, Gerard, you don’t understand,” he snapped angrily, the vein threatening to burst. “You think you’re helping, but you’re just making things ten times worse.”

I wanted to shout back, to defend my actions with all that I could, but the embedded shame I felt for disappointing my father and ignoring his requests was affecting me more than I ever thought it would. I had been telling myself that visiting Frank each day was worth the lying and deceiving I was doing, and my dad was being unreasonable in the first place by telling me I had to back off and let Frank get his life together without me… But I couldn’t keep reassuring myself that I was doing the right thing anymore, after seeing today how much Frank was still suffering. His problems were not going away, and I felt like I was making them worse… I was acting as a distraction for him all over again, and his condition wasn’t something that he could just ignore.

Maybe my dad was right, after all, and Frank’s problems would only go away if I went away first.

So, I said nothing. I just stood facing my father with clenched fists and tears in my eyes, trying my best to hold my emotions back.

“Now, I don’t know what you think you will gain from running away with Frank… Maybe you think you will be free to live happily ever after, but let me tell you something: you will never make Frank happy and you can’t fix him,” he continued harshly, making me flinch. He was losing me slightly with this cruel and unnecessary lecture. “If you take him away from the institute now, before he is ready, things will only end badly. I’m serious, Gerard - you have to take him back immediately and ensure he gets the professional help he needs.”

Okay, now I was really fucking lost.

“Take him back?” I repeated blankly. “I never even took him out!”

Did my dad really expect that little of me? No matter how much I wanted to, I would never just break Frank out of that place. I hated the fact that he was locked in that place and we couldn’t be together at all times, but it would just be selfish of me to take him away from the safest place he could possibly be right now. I knew his scars would heal eventually and he would be able to come home, but until that day, we both had to suck it up and continue to live like this.

“Oh, so I’m supposed to believe he has run away on his own and you have absolutely nothing to do with it, am I?” my dad scoffed, shaking his head at me in disgust. “Please.”

His sneering words took a while to register in my brain, but once they had my whole system went into shock. The reality of the situation hit me like a tonne of bricks, crashing down on top of me and knocking me out. I couldn’t breathe, let alone respond; I just stared at my dad in horror, waiting for him to tell me he was joking or my ears had just deceived me, because there was no fucking way Frank could have run away.

“What is that look for?” my dad demanded gruffly, confused by the shock and terror written all over my face.

“He… he’s run away?” I managed to choke out, clutching a hand to my chest in a helpless attempt to stop my heart failing under the suspense.

My dad looked most unnerved by my horrified reaction; clearly he hadn’t anticipated I wouldn’t know anything about this. Even he knew how bad a liar I was; he could quite clearly tell I wasn’t pretending anymore.

“You really don't know? His nurse said he’s disappeared without a trace, but she was so sure you would know where he is…” he frowned uncertainly, the worry starting to surface in his eyes.

His words were like knives, piercing my lungs and stealing my oxygen.

“I don’t…” I whispered, horrified. Oh my God, why didn’t I know? How could Frank have done a runner without informing me? Without saying goodbye? No… he wouldn’t do that, I knew he wouldn’t. So, what the fuck was going on?

“Oh. Well,” my dad cleared his throat awkwardly, hesitating while his brain searched desperately for words that would comfort either of us. “Don’t panic… I’m just – I’m gonna make a quick phonecall.”

Yes, good, ring the fucking police and send out the search party now.

He hurried off into the kitchen, leaving me paralysed in the hallway. Even though my mind was in pieces and I was freaking the fuck out, my hand was already pulling my cell phone out so I could make a quick phonecall of my own. I needed to get hold of Frank. I wouldn’t rest or breathe again until I did.

I punched in his number without even having to think about it, and the phone rang and rang for what seemed like eternity, making me increasingly hysterical. I was seconds away from bursting into tears and falling to my knees when Frank’s sweet voice finally replaced the dial tone.

“Hello-”

“Frank! Thank fuck-”

“-You’ve reached my voicemail.” My heart jerked to a stop. “Sorry I missed your call, leave a message and I’ll get right back to you. Peace!”

Fuck. FUCK. Why wasn’t he answering his phone? Oh my God, what if he had done something stupid?

“Frankie!” I choked out, the tears starting to stream down my face. “W-where are you?” What have you done? “Please… Tell me what’s going on, I’m so fucking worried!”

I needed to know he was okay more than I’d ever needed anything in my life. It just wasn’t possible for me to function or carry on normally with my life now knowing Frank was in danger. These tears wouldn’t stop blinding me until I knew where he was. Until I could hold him in my arms again and take the pain away, at least for a moment.

I hung up the phone and bowed my head in defeat, trembling from head to foot. There was nothing at all that I could do until Frank got into contact with me. I was helpless right at the time he needed my help most. If only he wasn’t too stubborn to realise it…

I knew exactly what he thought about people trying to help him. He thought he was strong enough to walk this world alone, without anyone’s support. I knew that deep down he believed everyone was against him (including me, after I’d let them take him away). But it was so far from the truth. We were all on his side. He was his only enemy.

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stop pacing the hallway, racking my brains for some clue as to his whereabouts. If he had truly run away, where the fuck would he go? I kept drawing up blanks. There was nowhere; no one he would even think to turn to. I knew that wherever he was, he was alone and hurting. Angry at the world and torn apart inside. And that kind of isolated pain was enough to destroy him, and there was not a damn thing I could do to stop it.

He’d come close to suicide a few weeks ago, but I’d been there to pry the gun from his hand… I wasn’t there this time.

He didn’t want me there.

***

“Son, please come inside.” My dad appeared on the front porch beside me, his voice barely audible over the torrential rain around me. “You’ve been out here for hours, you must be freezing.”

I probably was cold, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel anything. As I sat there on the step, staring out at the empty village around me, I felt numb. I was no longer present in this world. Frank was the only thing that had kept me anchored to this life recently, and now he was gone and so was I.

“I know you’re worried, but he’ll be okay. The police will find him.”

Empty words. We all knew he wouldn’t be okay. Even if, by some miracle, the police found him still alive, he would still be dead inside. He would still be fighting against living in a world that screwed him over too many times.

***

Time passed at a torturous pace. It felt I’d been sat out here in the pouring rain for days on end, just waiting and praying. The sky was pitch black now; even the stars weren’t shining tonight. I was surrounded by nothingness. I was also entirely consumed with dread that two police officers would show up at any minute with news that they’d found a body. I’d never feared anything more in my life.

My dad had given up trying to get me to come inside. My clothes were completely soaked through and I was a shivering wreck, but I couldn’t find the motivation to get up. My life had lost all meaning, after all.

When the front door creaked open behind me, I figured it would be Mikey bringing me another hot chocolate I wouldn’t drink, but it was Frank’s mom who came and put a towel around my shoulders. I looked up at her vacantly and saw my own crippling fear reflected in her eyes. Neither of us said anything; I just shuffled over on the step to make room for her to sit down beside me.

The rain filled the heavy silence between us for several minutes; by the time she finally spoke, I’d forgotten she was even there.

“This is my fault.” The grief in her voice was painful to listen to. “I screwed up too many times with him.”

At least she was taking responsibility for his psychological issues; I, for one, fully blamed her for them. She neglected him when he needed her most. He had been living with a traumatic secret on his own for far too long. The damage was irreparable.

“He was never the same after that night when his father died,” she continued deeply, making me feel even more uneasy. One mere mention of that fateful night was enough to make my blood run cold. “His personality split right down the middle. I didn’t understand my little boy anymore, and he didn’t want me to… I think the only person he’s ever wanted to talk to about what happened that night is his father.”

Well, that was one explanation for his desire to kill himself. Maybe he believed he would meet his father on the other side and find out the answers he was never given.

“His therapist suggested he spoke to his father's grave, but he would never even come and visit the grave with me,” she sighed, sounding as confused as ever. This increased my interest in the conversation ten-fold. “I guess it is a bit spooky for young children, but he was so against it.”

I looked up slowly, staring at Linda with furrowed eyebrows.

“So, he never went? Not even once?”

She shook her head gravely.

Somewhere in my mind, there was a distant church bell ringing.

“Whereabouts is the grave?” I wondered aloud, my curiosity reaching new heights.

She looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, taken aback by my sudden enthusiasm, before looking out at the fields ahead of us and pointing to the church on the other side, way out nowhere. It looked creepy as fuck, but for some reason beyond me, I could feel myself being drawn to it.

I gave the moment some time to pass and the conversation time to die, before declaring that I was finally going to go to bed. Linda looked a little surprised by my sudden change in attitude; she was unaware that I had no intention of going to bed and was actually planning a midnight stroll in the graveyard instead.

I retreated inside to my room and searched frantically for my flashlight; I was definitely going to need it in this consuming darkness. I tried not to think about how fucking creepy the graveyard would be at this time of night, and focus instead on the slight possibility that Frank would be there. I knew the chances were slim, but they were all I had at this point.

After finding my flashlight under my bed, I listened patiently for the front door to open and close, signalling Linda’s abandonment of the porch and my chance to go. I was waiting about five minutes for this signal, but there was no mistaking her footsteps through the hallway, up the stairs and out of my way.

The cost was clear.

Grabbing my coat from the back of the door and gripping the flashlight tightly in my hand, I crept out of my room and made my swift escape. I didn’t let myself stop to think for one second about what awaited me in the graveyard at the dead of night. Maybe if I wasn’t so blinded by fear about Frank, I would have realised I was setting myself up for a classic-horror-film-type death. Or maybe I did realise, I just didn’t care...

All I cared about was Frank.