I Can Transform You

POV: Gerard

Frank Iero can GO TO HELL.

I try to do something nice for him and he thanks me by throwing it back in my face? By letting his dipshit friends beat the crap out of me while he stands there and watches?

Son-of-a-bitch. Fuck him.

My nose and lip had just about stopped bleeding by the time I arrived home, but my face still hurt like a motherfucker from the solid punches it had endured.

I was feeling battered and bruised, but I was trying not to let what had happened get to me... But underneath the anger I felt, I was hurt, both emotionally and physically.

My self-confidence was lower than ever and all I could think was why me? What have I done that’s so fucking bad to Frank and his friends that they do this to me?’

Inevitably, these negative thoughts spiralled out of control and lead me to think about my mother and wonder for the billionth time what it was about me that she didn’t want.

Why did she leave? Why didn’t she love me? She loved Mikey... She wanted him to go with her, it was just me she didn't want...

Mikey was young and confused, but he chose me and my Dad over my Mum. Thank fuck, because I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost him too. I’d never felt so rejected in my life… My Mum’s betrayal broke my heart and pretty much ruined me.

I couldn’t help but think there was something seriously wrong with me these days. There must be... Why else would everyone hate me?

I’d never had a girlfriend… I only had two close friends… I’d been bullied pretty much my whole life… And my own Mother rejected me.

Seriously, what did I do to the world to make it despise me so much?

The house was empty as I arrived home from school, and for that I was thankful, because I looked a complete mess and I’d also reached the point of tears.

It’s not often that I cry, and I never let anyone see me, but sometimes, when I’m alone, everything just pours out. It all just builds up and it breaks me down, until I completely lose my shit.

I ran up the stairs, heading for the bathroom, intent on locking myself in there for quite some time. The house was empty because it was the middle of the day, so at least I wouldn’t be disturbed.

I didn’t bother to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face as I entered the bathroom and walked straight over to the mirror. My own disgusting reflection stared back at me and I had to fight an urge to smash my fist through the glass. Looking in the mirror was like a reality check every time; it reminded me who I was, and how much I hated myself.

I wanted a different life. I hated mine. I just knew I was never going to amount to anything. I would always be the loser kid that no one really liked… Frank Iero told me that. I didn’t want to believe him, but deep down I knew that I would be invisible forever.

I tore my eyes away from the mirror in dismay, looking for something to relieve the pain I felt inside. My hands were shaking as I reached out to pick up my razor from the shelf. It was my usual form of pain release and anyone who looked at my wrists would be able to see that. But no one ever notiiced me, let alone my wrists.

I tugged at my sleeve, pulling it back to reveal several faded scars on my arm. It had been a while since I’d self-harmed. I thought I had found a way to make myself numb and block out the pain… To be strong… But I must have let my guard down around Frank too much. I won’t make that mistake again.

I dismantled the razor slowly, pulling one of the blades out with my suddenly trembling fingers. The spots of blood that appeared on my fingertips told me that it had cut through the tough skin in the process, and I inhaled sharply at the slight stinging sensation.

I tossed the rest of the razor aside and just held the shiny blade between my two fingers, staring at it closely, reliving the last couple of times I self-harmed.

I let out a long sigh. It wasn’t something I liked doing… But in a way, I’d become addicted to it. When my mum left, all the aching pain, sadness and anger started to build up inside of me, and I needed to release it somehow… This was the only way I knew.

As I held the blade against my wrist and prepared to cut through the skin, I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my jaw to try and remain silent. I was just so used to doing this in the house at night when my Dad and Mikey had gone to bed that it took me a while to realise that the house was now empty and it didn’t matter if I cried out in pain this time.

I sucked in my breath and pressed the blade into my skin, gently at first, but still enough to cut through it. I squeezed my eyes tighter and winced from the sharp, stinging pain, as I dragged the blade across the skin.

I could feel the blood trickling down the inside of my arm, just like the tears rolling down my cheeks, but still, I kept my eyes closed, trying and failing to hold in the tears.

But then, suddenly, I heard a voice that made my heart drop into my stomach… It was a voice I was neither expecting nor wanting to hear.

“Holy shit!”

Immediately, the blade fell from my fingers as a result of my shock. It hit the floor with a metallic thud that echoed round the bathroom. Then, my eyes snapped open to find Frank fucking Iero stood right in front of me, with a picture of horror on his face.

How did HE get in here?

I glanced at the bathroom door behind him instinctively, checking to see if it had been kicked down, but it hadn’t, and I suddenly remembered that I’d forgotten to lock the door in my hastiness. I mentally slapped myself for being so stupid.

“W-what are you doing?” Frank stammered, his eyes glued to my wrist that was now stained with blood.

What the fuck does it look like?

I covered my bleeding arm with my hand, trying to hide the damage I’d caused. But it was too late; he’d already seen me at my most vulnerable time.

“Get out!” I choked, stumbling backwards to get away from him.

I was angry at the intrusion, but more angry with myself for being stupid enough to let anyone see me like this, especially my worst enemy.

I turned my back to him, facing the wall, to hide from his judging eyes, and wipe away the tears that were falling from mine. I grabbed the toilet roll and tried to wipe away the blood, but it stung, so I just held it over the wound instead.

“Gerard-”

“Fuck off, Frank!” I shouted fearlessly, too broken to give a shit that I was swearing at him.

There was nothing he could do to make me feel worse, so I may as well stand up to him. It made no difference though; he ignored me anyway.

“But you can’t… You can’t do this to yourself!” he cried desperately.

He actually seemed shocked and saddened by what he had just seen, for some reason that I didn’t understand. I actually thought he’d get some kind of sick kick out of seeing what he had drove me to do.

“Oh, what do you care?” I snapped, shooting him a death glare over my shoulder.

Seriously, if looks could kill, he would be dead.

I wasn’t fooled by his fake concern. This was Frank Iero, after all. He was loving all of this really.

“I just - I feel fucking bad,” he mumbled in a smaller voice, sounding overwhelmed by guilt.

He must have realised that this is his fault if he’s feeling bad. But is he really feeling bad? Guilt isn’t in Frank’s nature, as far as I know...

“Well, you should. It’s your fault,” I retorted in a strangled voice, blinking rapidly to dispel the tears that were still stinging my eyes, threatening to fall.

Normally I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he had upset me, but yet again, I was too broken to care right now. Plus, if he had any heart at all, he really would feel really fucking bad now… and I wanted him to feel bad about this.

“Gerard, I - I’m sorry about what happened at school earlier,” he blurted out, and I nearly fell over in shock.

I couldn’t tell if his apology was genuine, and there was no way I would ever know, but I decided not to be gullible enough to believe him.

“Yeah, sure you are,” I scoffed sarcastically, rolling my eyes at the wall I was facing.

You can fuck off out my life now.

“No, really, I am,” he insisted, sounding desperate for me to believe him.

Once again, the first thought that entered my mind hearing his apologetic voice was ‘why do you care?’

It’s all an act… Seriously, Frank Iero does not give a shit about anyone but himself.

“I was a total jerk,” he sighed after a brief silence.

Yeah, what else is new?

“You always are,” I frowned at the floor. “Why are you sorry this time?”

I let my curiosity get the better of me and I glanced over my shoulder at Frank to see what kind of expression he was wearing. You can tell a lot from a person’s expression.

My eyes immediately locked with his, and for once, I wasn’t met with the darkness in his eyes, conveying hate. There was still darkness, but his eyes unveiled something else - regret.

I slowly turned around to face him properly, giving up trying to hide how much of a fucking wreck I looked with my tear-stained and battered face, and my blood-covered arm.

“Because I didn’t know how much the abuse was affecting you,” he murmured, furrowing his eyebrows and dropping his gaze to the floor as if he was confused with himself.

Yeah, that’s because I’m a fucking good actor.

I made no attempt to respond to Frank’s realisation. I didn’t feel like explaining myself. I didn’t want to talk to him.

“And also, what you did for me was actually really decent, and I threw it all back in your face…” he continued hesitantly when he got no response out of me. “I didn’t mean to. I panicked. And I - I didn't know how to react… I didn’t understand why you were being so nice to me. I’m not used to people being nice to me like that, Gerard.”

He’s not used to people being nice to him?! Bullshit. He’s the most popular kid in school!

This made me break my short-lived silence.

“Are you kidding me? Everyone is nice to you. Who the fuck is ever mean to you?” I demanded sardonically, raising my voice out of frustration.

Frank raised his eyebrows at my sudden outburst, before averting his gaze to the floor and heaving a sigh.

“Yeah, everyone is nice to my face… They kiss my ass because they think I’ll kick theirs if they don’t. But I know they’re all two-faced fucks who talk shit behind my back. No one is ever genuinely nice to me like you were,” he muttered, stared fixated at the floor, seemingly too embarrassed to make eye contact with me.

I didn’t know what to make of that reply. I was caught off-guard, to say the least.

It’s true that a lot of the kids at school do suck up to him because they’re scared of him… And I have heard a few people bitching about him in low voices, huddled in the corner of the classroom before… But true or not, spare me the sob story, because the fact remains that the majority of girls fancy him, and most of the guys want to be him. Maybe he has a few haters (me, for one), but he must have more blind followers, otherwise he wouldn’t be the king of the school.

“Look, all I really did was try to replace something of yours I broke, because it was the right thing to do... It’s no big deal,” I mumbled realistically.

I wasn’t used to talking to Frank, let alone about personal stuff, so this conversation was unnerving me.

“But it is a big deal, because I’ve been an asshole to you for, like, ever, and you didn’t have to do that,” he retorted in exasperation, refusing to let me 'win' this argument or whatever.

“Uh, I just wanted to make an effort to be civilised, since we live together now,” I shrugged, and he opened his mouth to say something, but I continued talking before he could. “But I gave you a chance and you blew it. I don’t want to make an effort anymore.”

I give up.

“But I do… I’ll make the effort,” he offered, taking me by surprise at his forwardness. I’d definitely never seen this side to him. “I would really like it if you gave me another chance.”

What the fuck has gotten into him?

“Why should I trust you?” I frowned, shaking my head slowly. “You’re up to something, Iero… I can tell.”

This just isn’t him. I wish I knew what kind of game he was playing here.

“No, I’m not,” he denied bluntly, mirroring my own actions and shaking his head. “Listen, I don’t expect you to trust me right away, but-”

“I’m never gonna trust you!" I interrupted angrily, in disbelief that he would think I ever could. "Give me one good reason why I should."

I was looking for a serious answer once again, but he gave me an answer that I wasn’t quite anticipating: “Because I can transform you.”

He can... What... The hell is he talking about now?

“Transform me?” I repeated, my expression as blank as my voice.

“Yeah. I mean... You’re obviously not happy with your life right now… That’s why you do this to yourself,” he spoke knowingly, nodding towards the lacerations on my arm.

I looked down instinctively, staring at the faded scars on my arm. Each one told a story and none of them were a happy ending. They all ended with me hating myself. Frank knew… He could read me somehow, and that scared me, because I sure as hell could not read him.

“I get it. I’ve been there - Fuck it, I’m still there - But it doesn’t have to be like this,” he continued in an urgent tone of voice, as if my life depended on his words. I raised my eyebrows at him. “We don’t have to hate eachother, and you don’t have to hate yourself. I can make you popular. I can change everything. If you trust me...”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was hard to believe anyone would say this to me, let alone Frank Iero.

Who does he think he is? Some kind of God that knows everything about me and has the power to manipulate my life?

“I don’t want to be popular,” I snapped in frustration, even though it was sort of a lie. “And even if I did, why would you do that? What the fuck is in this for you?”

I was curious to know what was motivating him to act this way. I had a feeling it wasn’t a good cause.

“Change,” he answered simply, making me narrow my eyes. “I don’t like myself much either, Gerard. In fact, I fucking hate myself. And you know what? I’ve never told anyone that before. There’s just something about you that makes me let my guard down. I don’t know what it is, and to be honest, it scares me… But you change me, and maybe change is exactly what I need.”

Why the hell would he want to change? He has the popular status that everybody wants at this age... And I thought he loved being the popular kid?

But I agree with him actually; he does need to change, because he's a fucking douche right now.

“Jesus, you’re so confusing. There’s like a hundred different sides to you. I don’t know which one is the real you,” I replied, frowning deeply.

“This. This is me. Right now. I’m being myself for once,” he told me quickly.

But how can I know that for sure?

“But I don’t get you! You hate me!” I exclaimed in confusion, and to my greater confusion, he shook his head again.

“I don’t.”

WHAT? Yes, he does... He must do. He treats me like complete shit!

“Then why have you been bullying me for the last six years?” I demanded flatly.

He shrugged slowly. Guiltily.

“You were just an easy target.”

I already knew that he picked on me because I let him… Because I refused to fight back… But I didn’t expect him to admit it so readily like that.

Does he think that a fucking good enough excuse to make my life a living hell or something?

“I’ve seen the error of my ways now though,” he assured me hurriedly.

I narrowed my eyes at him closely, trying to see through his act.

“I doubt that. And I doubt even more that those fuck-ups you call friends have seen the error of their ways... They wouldn’t be happy if they knew you were talking to me now, would they?” I asked roughly, shooting daggers with my eyes.

I saw a familiar flash of anger in his eyes at my words. I was pushing him to breaking point now… Any second the real Frank Iero would come through, I just knew it.

“Don’t call my friends fuck-ups,” he warned me. “I’ll have you know that they do whatever I tell them… And if I tell them you’re part of the gang now, they’d welcome you with open arms.”

Dear God, if they opened their arms to me, I would beat them with a stick and run.

“I can’t imagine anything worse,” I shuddered.

“Look, the offer’s on the table. So, just think about it, yeah?” he shot back short-temperedly, clearly getting annoyed.

And with that declaration, he abruptly turned on his heel and exited the room, leaving me standing there, just staring after him with permanent frown etched on my face.

Okay, I really need to tell Ray and Bob about this insanity.