Status: Completed (:
No More Clichés
We're Training To Be In The Circus
We've all heard it before, and if we've not heard it yet, we will. The phrases "Just friends " or "I don' like you, like that" all ring a bell, they all strike something within us that automatically makes us understand that whoever just said they were told one of those phrases, is either A. heartbroken, or extremely pissed off, both however are negative. What if I told you, I heard that phrase but in a different way, and I felt estatic? This, is true.
It makes no sense, and it probably never will, I don't think I even understand but truth is, I don't want my bestfriend to be my boyfriend like every other girl. I want my bestfriend to be my bestfriend. So when he told me I just love you, I must admit I was thrownback a bit. Until, I got the full story, it went a little something like this.
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"Kelli! Kelli, come on I want to leave, like now" I rolled my eyes and ran out the door into the packed car. It was like one of those clown cars you see in the circus, you know the car is itty bitty but somehow they fit like 12 clowns into it? Well apparently, teenagers are just incognito clowns, because we've got this car filled and then some. I crawled over a few people until I ended up on Max's lap and wriggled around some until I was comfortable. He patted my leg to the beat of the music and I couldn't help but rest my head against his chest. No I didn't secretly admire him, No I didn't love him. He was my bestfriend and we did this kind of thing all the time.
"Jon, when are we going to fucking get there, this car smells like sweat and sluts" Joey, one of the other many people in the car said. The girls all scoffed except for a few because well.. they were really sluts. I however, was thankful I wasn't one of them.
"Just hold your fucking horses and hop off my dick would ya?" Matt the driver said while slamming on the breaks causing a few people, myself included to fly up against the back of the seats if the persons lap you were sitting on didn't hold you tight enough. It was a comical sight, seeing girls, most of them with pounds of make-up smooshed against a seat. Only to see when they come back up and right themselves, you find that the cheek that had been against the seat is suprisingly paler than when they got into the car.
"Kellii, I've gotta talk to you when we get there kay?" Max said into my ear, even being so close to each other, we couldn't hear it was so loud in the car, the energy itself could probably create a buzzing noise in most peoples ears.
After what seemed like ages in that cramped, sweaty car we finally rolled up to the venue and unloaded. Once again, my mind drifted back to the clown car as people kept constantly pouring out, I honestly though it'd never end. But it did, and eventually we all dispersed into the crowd, girlfriends going with boyfriends, fuck-buddies going each other, leaving me and Max all alone. Not that I minded.
"So Kelli, can I talk to you now?" I turned to face him, looking away from the band for a little while. "Sure Max, you coulda talked to me in the car to you know" I said giving him a questioning look, wondering what he had to be so formal when talking to me about.
"Kelli, I've known you for years, and in those years, you've become my bestfriend, my only bestfriend. You've kicked my girlfriends asses when they've screwed me over, you're more likely to fight someone who talks about me than I am, and I know you'd take a bullet for me anyday." He took a deep breath furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me. I, however couldn't help him, this speech was starting to sound like the whole "I love you more than just a friend".. I, could not have that happen.
My mind started to race, and my heartbeat soon followed my mind, the only time that the brain and the heart would ever work together. What if he did like me? I can't tell him no, I don't have the heart to, but I can't do that to us. I wasn't afraid of ruining our relationship, I just didn't want one, period. It didn't matter who it was with, Max or not. I wasn't looking and had no intentions of finding anyone. I was 19, why did I need to be tied down by a boyfriend now. I was just getting good at this whole, free bird thing. No more cage, no more parents, nothing. I was free and honestly, a boyfriend would be a weight chained to my leg. I didn't want to stop flying, not yet.
"Look Max, if you're going to proclaim your love for me, can you please not?" I stopped for a minute only to gather my thoughts and started again. "It'd give me a whole hell lot more peace of mind, if you just kept it to yourself. I don't want a boyfriend, I want my bestfriends, my not so bestfriends and my enemies. Boyfriends, don't fit into any of those categories, not yet." I stopped again, this time just to let him process my words, but before I could start again, all the sudden there was a light, directly on me, when I looked over at Max he was smirking like a doof and pointed to a screen above the band.
The lead singer took hold of the mic and said "Kiss her" when my eyes started to look like a deer in headlights, the crowd started chanting "Kiss her" as well. If Max did really "love" me, this would be the perfect time to show it, because he had a free pass to plant one on me, no questions asked. Instead though, what did he do?
He cleared his throat, took my hand looked straight ahead to the singer and said loud and clear "Sorry man, this isn't my girlfriend. She's my bestfriend, no strings attached nothing. I just love her. The most you're getting out of us two is a hug." The singer laughed and said into the mic "Wish I could keep my hormones under control with all my girl bestfriends, if I had they'd probably still be my bestfriends" Max laughed and the crowd started to cheer again, only this time? They were saying hug her.
That's exactly what Max did. That night, I learned that just because someone loves you, it doesn't mean that you're tied down automatically. Why is this? Because there is a broad spectrum of love and I had only seen it as one solid emotion. One feeling that someone has towards another when they want to be more than friends. When in reality it's not, the dictionary doesn't say it is. The dictionary says "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection" Not, instant commitment, instant baggage, nothing of that sort. Just affection, and with that comes caring.
Max and I care, and we show affection to each other, but we don't want anything more than that. We're content. The one thing I have to prove? Boys and girls can be friend, if they really want to be. If not, they'll be something more and good for them. But I don't, I just love Max.
I just love him.
It makes no sense, and it probably never will, I don't think I even understand but truth is, I don't want my bestfriend to be my boyfriend like every other girl. I want my bestfriend to be my bestfriend. So when he told me I just love you, I must admit I was thrownback a bit. Until, I got the full story, it went a little something like this.
--------
"Kelli! Kelli, come on I want to leave, like now" I rolled my eyes and ran out the door into the packed car. It was like one of those clown cars you see in the circus, you know the car is itty bitty but somehow they fit like 12 clowns into it? Well apparently, teenagers are just incognito clowns, because we've got this car filled and then some. I crawled over a few people until I ended up on Max's lap and wriggled around some until I was comfortable. He patted my leg to the beat of the music and I couldn't help but rest my head against his chest. No I didn't secretly admire him, No I didn't love him. He was my bestfriend and we did this kind of thing all the time.
"Jon, when are we going to fucking get there, this car smells like sweat and sluts" Joey, one of the other many people in the car said. The girls all scoffed except for a few because well.. they were really sluts. I however, was thankful I wasn't one of them.
"Just hold your fucking horses and hop off my dick would ya?" Matt the driver said while slamming on the breaks causing a few people, myself included to fly up against the back of the seats if the persons lap you were sitting on didn't hold you tight enough. It was a comical sight, seeing girls, most of them with pounds of make-up smooshed against a seat. Only to see when they come back up and right themselves, you find that the cheek that had been against the seat is suprisingly paler than when they got into the car.
"Kellii, I've gotta talk to you when we get there kay?" Max said into my ear, even being so close to each other, we couldn't hear it was so loud in the car, the energy itself could probably create a buzzing noise in most peoples ears.
After what seemed like ages in that cramped, sweaty car we finally rolled up to the venue and unloaded. Once again, my mind drifted back to the clown car as people kept constantly pouring out, I honestly though it'd never end. But it did, and eventually we all dispersed into the crowd, girlfriends going with boyfriends, fuck-buddies going each other, leaving me and Max all alone. Not that I minded.
"So Kelli, can I talk to you now?" I turned to face him, looking away from the band for a little while. "Sure Max, you coulda talked to me in the car to you know" I said giving him a questioning look, wondering what he had to be so formal when talking to me about.
"Kelli, I've known you for years, and in those years, you've become my bestfriend, my only bestfriend. You've kicked my girlfriends asses when they've screwed me over, you're more likely to fight someone who talks about me than I am, and I know you'd take a bullet for me anyday." He took a deep breath furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me. I, however couldn't help him, this speech was starting to sound like the whole "I love you more than just a friend".. I, could not have that happen.
My mind started to race, and my heartbeat soon followed my mind, the only time that the brain and the heart would ever work together. What if he did like me? I can't tell him no, I don't have the heart to, but I can't do that to us. I wasn't afraid of ruining our relationship, I just didn't want one, period. It didn't matter who it was with, Max or not. I wasn't looking and had no intentions of finding anyone. I was 19, why did I need to be tied down by a boyfriend now. I was just getting good at this whole, free bird thing. No more cage, no more parents, nothing. I was free and honestly, a boyfriend would be a weight chained to my leg. I didn't want to stop flying, not yet.
"Look Max, if you're going to proclaim your love for me, can you please not?" I stopped for a minute only to gather my thoughts and started again. "It'd give me a whole hell lot more peace of mind, if you just kept it to yourself. I don't want a boyfriend, I want my bestfriends, my not so bestfriends and my enemies. Boyfriends, don't fit into any of those categories, not yet." I stopped again, this time just to let him process my words, but before I could start again, all the sudden there was a light, directly on me, when I looked over at Max he was smirking like a doof and pointed to a screen above the band.
The lead singer took hold of the mic and said "Kiss her" when my eyes started to look like a deer in headlights, the crowd started chanting "Kiss her" as well. If Max did really "love" me, this would be the perfect time to show it, because he had a free pass to plant one on me, no questions asked. Instead though, what did he do?
He cleared his throat, took my hand looked straight ahead to the singer and said loud and clear "Sorry man, this isn't my girlfriend. She's my bestfriend, no strings attached nothing. I just love her. The most you're getting out of us two is a hug." The singer laughed and said into the mic "Wish I could keep my hormones under control with all my girl bestfriends, if I had they'd probably still be my bestfriends" Max laughed and the crowd started to cheer again, only this time? They were saying hug her.
That's exactly what Max did. That night, I learned that just because someone loves you, it doesn't mean that you're tied down automatically. Why is this? Because there is a broad spectrum of love and I had only seen it as one solid emotion. One feeling that someone has towards another when they want to be more than friends. When in reality it's not, the dictionary doesn't say it is. The dictionary says "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection" Not, instant commitment, instant baggage, nothing of that sort. Just affection, and with that comes caring.
Max and I care, and we show affection to each other, but we don't want anything more than that. We're content. The one thing I have to prove? Boys and girls can be friend, if they really want to be. If not, they'll be something more and good for them. But I don't, I just love Max.
I just love him.