Poisoned
One.
I promised myself I wouldn't become this. I promised that I'd never treat the one I loved this way. I promised that I'd separate myself from my past. But all my promises were just hollow shells. They had no meaning; they held no truth, just leading to deceit and anger. Mostly my anger...
I could hear her yelling and crying for me to stop, that she was sorry, that she didn't mean to make me angry.
She's lying.
Her eyes red and blood shot, her right cheek was bright red from where I had hit her, she was on the ground begging for me to stop.
This is all her fault, it's always her fault.
I kept on yelling at her, screaming insults at the top of my lungs. "YOU STUPID WHORE!" but all I wanted to do was hold her crying, shaking body in my arms and whisper to her that everything was alright, that I didn't mean all the horrible things I said, or the things I did. But that voice, that god awful voice kept on whispering it's poisonous words, polluting my mind.
That stupid slut can't keep her eyes to herself, let alone her legs closed. Who knows what she does when you're off too work, probably screwing the mail man.
I picked up a glass with some water still in it off of the kitchen table, and in a blind furry, threw it at her head. It just barely missed, skimming the soft flesh of her face as it soared past and landed on the ground, shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces of glass, the water and glass mixing together. She stared at me in shock with those big brown eyes that I fell in love with. The tears had stopped and she looked petrified, unsure of how she should react.
Why did I do this to the one person I loved? To the one person who loved me back, no matter what happened?
Because I'm scared.
I loved her so much; too much even. I was scared of losing her to some other man, just like how my father lost my mother to another man. I couldn't bare the thought of her leaving me. And that fucking voice kept on whispering to me, telling me things I knew weren't real, but I chose to believe its lies. It was easier this way; to accept the lies then fight for the truth.
She continued to stare at me, her small body trembling in fear. I opened my mouth, then
closed it. Open, close. Open, close. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry." But the words were stuck in my throat, the words just hanging off the tip of my tongue.
She doesn't deserve an apology, you didn't do anything wrong. She's the one who can't keep her eyes to herself.
"Why do you do this to me?" I yelled angrily, the words I'm sorry vanishing, the poison seeping into my mind again. "You just can't keep you're fucking eyes to yourself! All I do is love you, and all you do is let me down!"
Why did I always blame her? Is it her fault I'm possessive?
Yes.
Is it her fault that I have a bad temper?
Yes.
Was it her fault my paranoia got the better of me? That it made me jealous whenever I see her even glance at another man?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
"I-I'm sorry!" she stuttered. I smiled a bit, she always stuttered when she was nervous. It was cute, even now it was cute as she laid sprawled out on the ground staring at me with those terrified eyes.
"I love you," she whispered breaking eye contact with me. She lowered her head, so low her chin almost touched her breasts.
She's lying.
"FUCK YOU!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
I lunged for her, grabbing the long, soft, auburn hair that I use to run my fingers through. I started to drag her across the wood floor; she kicked out, screaming at me to let her go. "Shut your fucking mouth, you'll wake up the neighbors!" But she didn't quite down, she continued to scream at the top of her lungs.
Everything else is nothing but a haze, just like all the other times I lost my temper.
It was like my world went black, and there was nothing. No sound, no feelings, no sight, nothing at all. Then just as suddenly as everything vanished, it all came back. I was standing over her, she was on the ground sobbing, her body pulled into the fetal position with her hands on either side of her face. My right hand was raised in a fist above her, ready to strike once again. "Please stop," she chocked out. And I did. I lowered my hand, my body feeling numb besides the throbbing pain in the hand I'd used to hit her. There was some blood, her blood, on the floor. I moved so I wasn't standing over her anymore, and I sunk to my knees at her side.
I softly grabbed her shoulders, and swung her body around so her head could rest on my lap. She continued to sob, but she didn't protest, she just laid on my lap, her blood and tears soaking my jeans. "I'm sorry," I whispered, barely audible. She didn't respond.
"I'm so sorry." I said again, my voice cracking. Tears weld up in my eyes, and I wrapped my arms around her as I, myself, started to cry with her.
"I'm so sorry." I chanted over and over again. "I promise it won't happen again baby. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry-so sorry."
But it would happen again. Isn't this how it always went? I'd beat her, bring her down, and then I'd apologize? And no matter what she'd always forgive me. I didn't want to hurt her anymore, I wanted to see her smile and laugh again. I wanted to see her beautiful face and body not covered in ugly black and blue bruises that I created. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. But it would never go back to normal. My mind had been poisoned and my heart tainted. All I could do now was comfort her, telling her I was sorry and that I loved her.
That's all I could do...
"I love you."
I could hear her yelling and crying for me to stop, that she was sorry, that she didn't mean to make me angry.
She's lying.
Her eyes red and blood shot, her right cheek was bright red from where I had hit her, she was on the ground begging for me to stop.
This is all her fault, it's always her fault.
I kept on yelling at her, screaming insults at the top of my lungs. "YOU STUPID WHORE!" but all I wanted to do was hold her crying, shaking body in my arms and whisper to her that everything was alright, that I didn't mean all the horrible things I said, or the things I did. But that voice, that god awful voice kept on whispering it's poisonous words, polluting my mind.
That stupid slut can't keep her eyes to herself, let alone her legs closed. Who knows what she does when you're off too work, probably screwing the mail man.
I picked up a glass with some water still in it off of the kitchen table, and in a blind furry, threw it at her head. It just barely missed, skimming the soft flesh of her face as it soared past and landed on the ground, shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces of glass, the water and glass mixing together. She stared at me in shock with those big brown eyes that I fell in love with. The tears had stopped and she looked petrified, unsure of how she should react.
Why did I do this to the one person I loved? To the one person who loved me back, no matter what happened?
Because I'm scared.
I loved her so much; too much even. I was scared of losing her to some other man, just like how my father lost my mother to another man. I couldn't bare the thought of her leaving me. And that fucking voice kept on whispering to me, telling me things I knew weren't real, but I chose to believe its lies. It was easier this way; to accept the lies then fight for the truth.
She continued to stare at me, her small body trembling in fear. I opened my mouth, then
closed it. Open, close. Open, close. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry." But the words were stuck in my throat, the words just hanging off the tip of my tongue.
She doesn't deserve an apology, you didn't do anything wrong. She's the one who can't keep her eyes to herself.
"Why do you do this to me?" I yelled angrily, the words I'm sorry vanishing, the poison seeping into my mind again. "You just can't keep you're fucking eyes to yourself! All I do is love you, and all you do is let me down!"
Why did I always blame her? Is it her fault I'm possessive?
Yes.
Is it her fault that I have a bad temper?
Yes.
Was it her fault my paranoia got the better of me? That it made me jealous whenever I see her even glance at another man?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
"I-I'm sorry!" she stuttered. I smiled a bit, she always stuttered when she was nervous. It was cute, even now it was cute as she laid sprawled out on the ground staring at me with those terrified eyes.
"I love you," she whispered breaking eye contact with me. She lowered her head, so low her chin almost touched her breasts.
She's lying.
"FUCK YOU!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
I lunged for her, grabbing the long, soft, auburn hair that I use to run my fingers through. I started to drag her across the wood floor; she kicked out, screaming at me to let her go. "Shut your fucking mouth, you'll wake up the neighbors!" But she didn't quite down, she continued to scream at the top of her lungs.
Everything else is nothing but a haze, just like all the other times I lost my temper.
It was like my world went black, and there was nothing. No sound, no feelings, no sight, nothing at all. Then just as suddenly as everything vanished, it all came back. I was standing over her, she was on the ground sobbing, her body pulled into the fetal position with her hands on either side of her face. My right hand was raised in a fist above her, ready to strike once again. "Please stop," she chocked out. And I did. I lowered my hand, my body feeling numb besides the throbbing pain in the hand I'd used to hit her. There was some blood, her blood, on the floor. I moved so I wasn't standing over her anymore, and I sunk to my knees at her side.
I softly grabbed her shoulders, and swung her body around so her head could rest on my lap. She continued to sob, but she didn't protest, she just laid on my lap, her blood and tears soaking my jeans. "I'm sorry," I whispered, barely audible. She didn't respond.
"I'm so sorry." I said again, my voice cracking. Tears weld up in my eyes, and I wrapped my arms around her as I, myself, started to cry with her.
"I'm so sorry." I chanted over and over again. "I promise it won't happen again baby. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry-so sorry."
But it would happen again. Isn't this how it always went? I'd beat her, bring her down, and then I'd apologize? And no matter what she'd always forgive me. I didn't want to hurt her anymore, I wanted to see her smile and laugh again. I wanted to see her beautiful face and body not covered in ugly black and blue bruises that I created. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. But it would never go back to normal. My mind had been poisoned and my heart tainted. All I could do now was comfort her, telling her I was sorry and that I loved her.
That's all I could do...
"I love you."