Better If I Stay.
fear
”I love you. You know I love you, right?” He asked with a slight smile. She nodded, smiling, as he leaned towards her. She loved the way his dark hair fell in messy waves and the way it swayed as he slowly, ever so slowly, edged his way towards her.
She’d kiss him this time, she promised herself.
When their lips were centimeters away she still couldn't do it. She broke the steady gaze they’d been holding and pushed him away the slightest bit so that she could roll from beneath him. She started pacing and he let himself fall.
What made her do that every time? He asked himself, but was still slightly afraid of the answer.
“I’m sorry.” Her soft voice rang out in the silence and he noticed that her cheeks were glistening with tears. He hated the thought of her ever crying because of him so he got up and wrapped his arms around her, and rested his head on her shoulder.
“No, it’s okay.” He murmured into her soft, brown hair. “It’s okay.” Hugging her tighter. His curiosity quickly got the better of him though, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry.” Was all she could say, too afraid to tell him the truth.
She didn’t want to feel the disappointment when she kissed him and found out that he had lied about the drugs. Saying that he wouldn't do anything like that ever again, just for her. She was afraid of what his reaction would be should she tell him this. She was afraid of the embarrassment that would come if he, had, in fact, told the truth. She was afraid of telling him about why she always pushed him away, when he was only inches from her face.
She was just afraid.
Sadly, there was nothing Gerard could do about this.
~~~
“I’m dying.” She muttered making all five of the band members turn, too quickly, to face her.
A stunned silence settled over the small room turned studio and it lasted too long for Lynli. She turned to walk away, but she jumped as something was thrown behind her and a hand was suddenly on her shoulder. “What?” His familiar voice drifted, making her cringe.
She was never supposed to get this attached.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered again and instantly Gerard was reminded of that night.
“I tried, Gerard, I really did.” Lynli whispered, staring deep into his hazel eyes, trying to show him just how sincere she was. “I went through treatment, but it didn’t work. I'm still dying.” She muttered before having to break eye contact and look to her feet, tears in her brown eyes brimming. “The doctor told me there was nothing more he could do.”
Somehow his arms tightened even more around her. “Sh...” He could feel himself begin to cry as the room became silent all over again. “What is it?” He asked quietly between tears.
“I wasn’t supposed to get this close, I wasn’t supposed to get so attached.” She muttered, obviously angry with herself.
“What is it?” He repeated his voice harder. He didn’t want to hear how much she regretted knowing him or the band in general.
“Cancer.” She whispered, looking back up at him with tears glistening in her eyes. She shook her head, “I’m so sorry, Gerard.”
It was too quiet and Lynli just wanted to run away. “How long?” Frank spoke up from across the room. If either of the two were to glance at him they would see that he had his head in his hands as he sat slumped against the wall, he ran his hands through his hair.
“A week.”
More silence.
~~~
“You were at the doctor all those nights and I though the worst.” He muttered shaking his head, ashamed with himself. How could he even doubt the love that she had for him? Lynli was the most beautiful, intelligent, and the sweetest girl that Gerard had the honor to know.
She leaned backwards into him, pondering the thought of how long it would take. Wondering whether it would hurt or if she’d be lucky enough to just let go in her sleep.
Funny thing was, the fact that she was going to die was a relief to Lynli. She wouldn't feel so detached from the world, she wouldn't feel like a freak anymore, and more importantly, she wouldn't be a burden to Gerard any longer.
“How long have you known?” He asked gently, his arm wrapped around her small waist.
“A year or two.” She mumbled. “Before I met you.”
Gerard was shocked. Had she really meant it when she said she didn’t mean to get attached? Did he take that the way she meant it? Did she really mean to break his heart?
He was doubting her again.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered again and he was starting to get sick of her, what seemed like meaningless, apologies.
“Stop saying that, Lynli. It’s not your fault.” He muttered, feeling stupid for ever falling for her in the first place.
“But it is. I should have never fallen in love with you. Now you have to deal with this burden.” She whispered starting to cry. Again. “I knew I would just hurt you.”
“Then why did you?” He asked and waited patiently for an answer.
Lynli rolled over in his arms and looked up into his eyes, gently pushing black hair from his face, before saying anything. “I guess I was still hoping it would go into remission.”
There was nothing to say and they soon slid into an uncomfortable silence. “Can I try something?” Lynli muttered, finally. He only nodded, holding her close, afraid of letting go.
She quickly leaned into and pressed her lips to his, before she lost the guts. Slowly he deepened it and soon enough Lynli had pulled away sighing happily. “That’s a relief.” She chuckled weakly.
“What is?” He mumbled, eyes closed, remembering the feeling of her lips on his.
“I was so afraid that you’d taste like weed.” She shook her head wearing the biggest smile Gerard had ever seen on her. He couldn’t think of anything to say, so instead he leaned into her for another kiss.
~~~
Lynli passed on in her sleep, laying right next to Gerard on a hospital bed. No words can express how broken and hurt he was after her death.
The band eventually got over the death of their dear friend, and they remember her to this day as the girl that Gerard loved most.
She’d kiss him this time, she promised herself.
When their lips were centimeters away she still couldn't do it. She broke the steady gaze they’d been holding and pushed him away the slightest bit so that she could roll from beneath him. She started pacing and he let himself fall.
What made her do that every time? He asked himself, but was still slightly afraid of the answer.
“I’m sorry.” Her soft voice rang out in the silence and he noticed that her cheeks were glistening with tears. He hated the thought of her ever crying because of him so he got up and wrapped his arms around her, and rested his head on her shoulder.
“No, it’s okay.” He murmured into her soft, brown hair. “It’s okay.” Hugging her tighter. His curiosity quickly got the better of him though, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry.” Was all she could say, too afraid to tell him the truth.
She didn’t want to feel the disappointment when she kissed him and found out that he had lied about the drugs. Saying that he wouldn't do anything like that ever again, just for her. She was afraid of what his reaction would be should she tell him this. She was afraid of the embarrassment that would come if he, had, in fact, told the truth. She was afraid of telling him about why she always pushed him away, when he was only inches from her face.
She was just afraid.
Sadly, there was nothing Gerard could do about this.
~~~
“I’m dying.” She muttered making all five of the band members turn, too quickly, to face her.
A stunned silence settled over the small room turned studio and it lasted too long for Lynli. She turned to walk away, but she jumped as something was thrown behind her and a hand was suddenly on her shoulder. “What?” His familiar voice drifted, making her cringe.
She was never supposed to get this attached.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered again and instantly Gerard was reminded of that night.
“I tried, Gerard, I really did.” Lynli whispered, staring deep into his hazel eyes, trying to show him just how sincere she was. “I went through treatment, but it didn’t work. I'm still dying.” She muttered before having to break eye contact and look to her feet, tears in her brown eyes brimming. “The doctor told me there was nothing more he could do.”
Somehow his arms tightened even more around her. “Sh...” He could feel himself begin to cry as the room became silent all over again. “What is it?” He asked quietly between tears.
“I wasn’t supposed to get this close, I wasn’t supposed to get so attached.” She muttered, obviously angry with herself.
“What is it?” He repeated his voice harder. He didn’t want to hear how much she regretted knowing him or the band in general.
“Cancer.” She whispered, looking back up at him with tears glistening in her eyes. She shook her head, “I’m so sorry, Gerard.”
It was too quiet and Lynli just wanted to run away. “How long?” Frank spoke up from across the room. If either of the two were to glance at him they would see that he had his head in his hands as he sat slumped against the wall, he ran his hands through his hair.
“A week.”
More silence.
~~~
“You were at the doctor all those nights and I though the worst.” He muttered shaking his head, ashamed with himself. How could he even doubt the love that she had for him? Lynli was the most beautiful, intelligent, and the sweetest girl that Gerard had the honor to know.
She leaned backwards into him, pondering the thought of how long it would take. Wondering whether it would hurt or if she’d be lucky enough to just let go in her sleep.
Funny thing was, the fact that she was going to die was a relief to Lynli. She wouldn't feel so detached from the world, she wouldn't feel like a freak anymore, and more importantly, she wouldn't be a burden to Gerard any longer.
“How long have you known?” He asked gently, his arm wrapped around her small waist.
“A year or two.” She mumbled. “Before I met you.”
Gerard was shocked. Had she really meant it when she said she didn’t mean to get attached? Did he take that the way she meant it? Did she really mean to break his heart?
He was doubting her again.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered again and he was starting to get sick of her, what seemed like meaningless, apologies.
“Stop saying that, Lynli. It’s not your fault.” He muttered, feeling stupid for ever falling for her in the first place.
“But it is. I should have never fallen in love with you. Now you have to deal with this burden.” She whispered starting to cry. Again. “I knew I would just hurt you.”
“Then why did you?” He asked and waited patiently for an answer.
Lynli rolled over in his arms and looked up into his eyes, gently pushing black hair from his face, before saying anything. “I guess I was still hoping it would go into remission.”
There was nothing to say and they soon slid into an uncomfortable silence. “Can I try something?” Lynli muttered, finally. He only nodded, holding her close, afraid of letting go.
She quickly leaned into and pressed her lips to his, before she lost the guts. Slowly he deepened it and soon enough Lynli had pulled away sighing happily. “That’s a relief.” She chuckled weakly.
“What is?” He mumbled, eyes closed, remembering the feeling of her lips on his.
“I was so afraid that you’d taste like weed.” She shook her head wearing the biggest smile Gerard had ever seen on her. He couldn’t think of anything to say, so instead he leaned into her for another kiss.
~~~
Lynli passed on in her sleep, laying right next to Gerard on a hospital bed. No words can express how broken and hurt he was after her death.
The band eventually got over the death of their dear friend, and they remember her to this day as the girl that Gerard loved most.