The Bottom of the Bottle

Quote

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me. -ATL

I packed my bags and turned the keys in the ignition. Riding off into the night, I had the moon on my side. I fingered my coin I had gotten earlier. It felt like a cold medallion in my hand. This would be a long trip. I was driving from Chicago to San Francisco.

I hadn't been home in years. Surely everyone was still there. Alexis must have flown back to her parents. When I hit the Golden Gate Bridge, I smiled. Home sweet home.

I knocked on the door. Steve answered. He rubbed his eyes. "Hello?” he muttered. I smiled at him. "Hey," I said. His eyes widened. "Matt!?” he exclaimed.

He let me in and we sat in his living room. "Dude, I haven't heard from you in, like... months." Steve was my best friend. He used to party with me, but he never had to suffer the same consequences. But he did have to deal with my bullshit in the past.

We talked. He updated me about his life, and I told him about AA. Then the conversation swayed to Alexis. "Have you seen her?", I asked. He shook his head. "No. I haven't heard from her either. I'm sorry." I nodded. "It's okay. I came here to talk to you, anyway." I took a breath. "I'm sorry. I know my actions have hurt you. You're my best friend. You're like a brother to me. To know that I've hurt you makes me sick. I want to make it up to you, in any way I can." I stared at him. He smiled, and pulled me into a hug. "Apology accepted, man!"

I left Steve's the next morning, and headed over to my parents house.

I knocked on the door. My mom answered, and immediately hugged me and kissed me. "Hi, Mom," I whispered. She started crying.

She brought me into the kitchen and insisted on cooking me something. I laughed. She made us some pasta. It was delicious. She smiled at me after we had eaten. "You look good," she said. I heard the door open and close. My sister walked in. She froze, staring at us. Her jaw dropped. Then, a huge grin spread across her face and she jumped on me. "MATTY!", she cried. I laughed. Lucy was just about to turn 17. She had grown a lot since the last time I saw her.

She told me all about school, and her boyfriend, when we heard two pairs of heavy boots stomping in, and low voices. In came my father and my brother. They stared at me. They didn't smile. After a minute, my brother walked away. My father stayed standing. He looked older. His face was getting more creased with lines, and his hair was graying. "Honey," my mother said, "Aren't you going to say hello to Matthew?" My father didn't answer. "No," he said, and walked away. I heard the car door slam and the engine revved as he drove off.

I went into the backyard to see my brother. He was 24 now. Cutting wood, his muscles showed in the sunlight. He didn't look at me as he said, "What are you doing here?" I frowned. "I'm visiting." He threw the ax aside and wiped sweat from his forehead. Do you even know what you've done? To Mom? To Lucy? To this family?" He took a breath, and whispered, "To Alexis?" My heart thumped. He'd seen her?

"I'm sorry. I came back to see you guys. I want to fix things," I pleaded. Danny shook his head. "The damage has already been done, Matt." I closed my eyes. "I know... but I want to do anything... whatever I can." Dan exhaled. "How long has it been?", he asked. I blinked. "Since I was home?" He shook his head. "Sober." I raised my eyebrows. "A year." He stuck out his hand, and I shook it. "Good job."

***

We all sat in the living room, one big family. It felt right. My brother had talked some sense into my dad. They had all forgiven me. Now, there was only one thing I had to do.

I pulled Danny aside and we went for a walk. The moon was gone. The sky was pitch black. "Where's Alexis?", I asked him. "Where do you think?", he asked. "Her parent's house. But they moved. They're at her grandparent's old farm now," he told me, apparently not taking any answers. I left that night.

I sped to the farm. I crossed my fingers and hoped that no cops would see me. It was my lucky night; the coast was clear. I parked and ran up to the door and knocked. Alexis's sister, Charlotte, answered. She looked shocked. "Is Alexis home?"

Alexis came to the door. She didn't seem happy to se me. Her hair was different. She'd cut it much shorter. "What do you want?", she asked coldly. "I need to talk to you." She sighed and closed her eyes. After a moment, she came out and closed the door.

We went to the barn and stood near the stables. "It's just... God, I don't know," she said and sighed. "I-I'm so sorry," I whispered. I pulled her into my arms. "I'm so sorry," I repeated. "It hurt me so bad, everything," she said, her voice shaking. Tears started to spill out of her eyes. I felt one slip from mine. "I know. I wish I could take it back. I love you so much. I feel like a monster."

She looked up at me and said, "You aren't a monster." Our faces were so close. I could smell her sweet breath. I stared at her mouth, and bent down. We kissed with the same burning passion as we always had before. I pushed her against a haystack. She put her hands in my hair and ran her tongue against my bottom lip. I gently placed my tongue in her mouth, and they met, dancing like flames. God, I'd missed this. I put my hand on her lower back and pulled her closer. I didn't want to stop.

Suddenly she froze. I stopped and pulled away. We stared at each other for a moment. I opened my mouth and said, "I'm clean. I have been since the month after you left." She nodded, taking everything in. She hugged me. "I forgive you." Tears burned my eyes and I smiled. I kissed her hair. I'd never been so happy.

She leaned backwards. "Matt...", she said, averting her gaze. "I-I can't. I can't do this."

My heart sank through the dirt floor. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. All I could say was, "What?"

She lifted her hand, and I noticed the ring. "I'm engaged." A tear fell from the corner of her eye. I reached out to wipe it away, but I pulled back before I touched her. She hugged me once more, and whispered in my ear, "I'll always love you." Then, she walked away, and went into the house.

I got into my car, and just sat, staring at the dashboard.

I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt
Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair
And out of my mind, keeping an eye on the world
So many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now, I'm at home in the clouds
Towering over your head

Well I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home...