How Many Turns?

His black hair, shiny with grease, fell in front of his eyes as he looked down at the small, golden hourglass in his hands. It was not his, it was stolen, but it would serve his purpose today. He wondered idly how Hermione Granger would handle her school day without it. The thought made him smile… almost.

Severus Snape never smiled… not anymore.

He wondered what Dumbledore would say about this… and then he realised that he didn’t care. So what if Albus knew about what he was about to do? Snape knew, from the very outside of his heart, that Dumbledore would not punish him; would not chastise him.

Because if anyone understood, it was Dumbledore.

How many turns?

It would have to be a great many, to go so far back. Back to the last time Snape saw her. The last time he saw her smile… scowl… the last time he saw her alive.

Severus closed his eyes on his dim office, and his fingers found the Time Turner, turning the hour glass over and over and over, until he lost count.

When he stopped, he opened his eyes and found himself in the same room, although it looked completely different to when it was his. It was Slughorn’s now, and it showed, in the lavish furniture, and the portraits of famous ex-students that littered the walls.

Snape knew the rules, and so he got up from Slughorn’s chair and slithered out of the room, his black cloak billowing behind him, making him seem oddly bat-like to anyone who saw him from behind.

He passed a window and glimpsed the bright, yellow day outside. He saw the lake, he saw the students, all adults now, roaming the grounds. He saw, sitting underneath a tree, James Potter and his friends. The Black boy, who had disgraced his family name; Lupin, the one who always disappeared under the full-moon; Wormtail, who looked as out of place as he must’ve felt.

Snape felt the disgust rising in his stomach, but he waved it off, because he had just spotted two other students, walking the edge of the Lake.

He felt something different rising in his stomach this time, and Snape gripped the edge of the stone window, leaning out as far as he could, trying to see the girl’s face. He gave not a single thought to the students below, who would surely see the strange looking man leaning out of the window above them.

He had eyes only for the girl.

For Lily.

Her name ripped through Snape’s chest, and suddenly he was running down the hall, running from his guilt, his shame, his pain, running towards the light, towards her.

And then he was on the grounds, panting as the heat shone above him, casting a ghoulish shadow behind him.

He ignored the glares and whispers around him, and ran on, towards the lake, towards the walking couple. He had to see her, that’s why he was here. The pain inside his heart would not surface today… if only Snape could see her one more time.

Seeing her in the Mirror of Erised was not the same… Snape longed to see her in the flesh… see her rosy cheeks… her green eyes, so beautiful… see her smile.

He had not seen her for fifteen years, and it was his entire fault. Snape whimpered as the pain threatened to creep back into his body as he ran.

And then she was suddenly there, only ten or so feet away from Snape.

Her red hair whipped around her shoulders, and beside her was a boy who bore a striking resemblance to Snape himself. Mainly because he was Snape himself.

The teenage Lily Evans was every bit as beautiful as Snape remembered, and he longed to reach out, to touch her. And as the tears came – and come they did, flowing shamelessly down his cheeks – Snape couldn’t help but… smile, for the first time in a long time, her energy overwhelming him.

Lily laughed at something teenage Snape said, and Severus felt his very insides coil to life as he watched her cheeks bulge with pure happiness. The teenage Snape didn’t know how very lucky he was to be standing there in her presence.

Severus continued to watch them, to watch Lily as his love threatened to engulf him, until it started to get dark and the pair moved away, back inside the castle. Snape followed silently, his eyes on the back of Lily’s read hair as they moved across the grounds.

Severus saw, much to his irritation, James Potter staring with interest at the back of her head too, but he ignored him.

James and his crew strutted past Lily and Severus, and Lily made gagging noises at Snape. Both Snapes smiled.

And then Snape knew, from memory, this was when Snape would depart for his common room below the dungeons, and Lily would stand in the Entrance Hall, waving until he was out of sight, and she was practically alone.

Snape ducked behind a pillar and waited for his moment.

When it came, and Lily was about to turn around to march up the stairs, Snape emerged from behind his hiding place, and hugged Lily as fiercely as he could, all his pain somehow vanishing as he held her close to him. He could feel her struggling, her surprise and anger, but he never let go.

“I’ve always loved you, Lily Evans, and I always will. Always know that,” he whispered into her ear.

Then he pulled back and stared into her beautiful, wide green eyes, and saw the comprehension flicker there as she took in his shiny black hair, like curtains down either side of his face, his hooked nose, and realised who he must be, and then he spun around and vanished in the opposite direction, towards his – Slughorn’s – office, smiling the whole way.