Take My ***ing Hand

Ryan's POV

God damn it. Now the bastards gone and almost killed me.

After he slammed into me, I lost my balance and fell over the edge. Luckily I managed to reach out and grab some sort of root or branch before I fell, tumbling down to my death.

So here I am, dangling off the edge of some sort of drop.

My heavy breathing increased, and I wasn't sure if it was because I was out of breath from running, or if it was because I was scared to death.

I looked down and held back a scream and the urge to puke.

"Ryan!" I heard my name from above. No. It wasn't God. I looked up to see Brendon holding a worried expression on his face. He stretched out his hand.

"Grab my hand!" he shouted unnecessarily, because I really wasn't too far him.

Rather then take his hand, I let the irrational part of me take over.

"Why should I?" I yelled back. "So you can fuck me?"

Okay, now I know, you don't have to tell me. I'm risking my life to prove a point. I'm being stupid. But it's hard to think rationally when you're dangling from the edge of a cliff.

"What? Ryan! Stop acting like an idiot and grab my hand!" he shouted.

I thought about maybe torturing him for a few more seconds, then I realized I was pissed off, not suicidal.

"Take my fucking hand!" he shouted, sounding frustrated. I continued to breath hard. I was scared to let go. Even with one hand. But I managed to grab his hand anyway.

With more strength then I knew he had, he managed to pull me up and over the edge, until I could crawl back up myself.

I flopped onto my back and continued to breath heavily as I backed away from the edge.

Brendon was on the ground as well, breathing hard, eyes wide.

No words were exchanged.

I suppose at a time like this, you'd here the words, "Thank god you're alive!" or "OMG you saved my life!" or some shit like that. But nothing. No sound other then that of our breathing.

After a while, he stood up and began walking back towards camp.

I sat there for another minute gathering my thoughts.

He saved my life.

I mean, I suppose I would have done the same in his situation. No matter how much I hate a person, I'm not going to sit there and watch them dangle helplessly from a cliff.

Besides, Brendon isn't evil.

He's a douche. But he's not evil.

So what am I supposed to do? I can't ignore him now that he's saved my life.

I know, I'll just thank him for saving my life. Then I'll pretend nothing happened. I'll pretend he never tried to kiss me. I'll pretend I didn't run off crying, and we'll jus go back to being bitchy to each other.

Then I can ignore my feelings.

~*~

By the time I made it back to camp, (turns out I wasn't lost after all) Brendon was sitting by the campfire, poking at it with a stick.

When he heard me walk back into camp, he looked up at me, then back to the fire without saying a word.

Okay, now he's acting weird.

I slowly walked over and sat next to him.

"Hey." I mumbled.

"Hi." he mumbled back, just barely audible.

"Um, thanks for, uh, saving my life and all." I said.

He didn't respond for a moment, so I wasn't sure if he heard me or not. But right before I was about to repeat myself he spoke.

"Call it even I guess." he mumbled.

Stopping one from eating a mushroom, and rescuing someone who's dangling off the edge of a cliff are hardly the same. But I think I'll keep that to myself. Why feed his ego?

"Right." I said.

There was more silence other then the sound of the crackling fire.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked.

"Sure. I guess." I mumbled awkwardly.

He paused. "Nevermind." he said.

"Uh. Okay…?" why is he acting so strange?

"I'm sorry." he said.

I thought for a second. Did he just apologize? what was he sorry for? Not that he didn't have a lot he should be sorry for. But what was he getting at exactly?

I stared at him blankly. "For what?" I asked.

"For everything." he said. "I'm sorry for not leaving you alone and pressuring you. I'm sorry for being a douche, and I'm sorry for getting us into this mess. If it weren't for my stupidity, we wouldn't have missed the plane." he finished.

This was really not like him. Was he still trying to get at me? Or was he really honestly sincere in his apology? Part of me hopes it's not the latter. Just because it'd be so much easier to hate him.

"Um." I really didn't know what to say at the time. I guess I could cave in and apologize too.

"I'm sorry too." I said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." he told me, looking back to the fire.

"I'm sorry for being such a dick and a tease, and for sexually harassing you while you were trying to sleep." I finished of with a smirk.

He laughed.

"Well that part I didn't mind so much." he mumbled with a smile.

"What brought this on all of a sudden?" I asked. "The apologies I mean."

His smile vanished and he became serious again.

He didn't answer.

He's starting to freak me out. I'm beginning to think something is seriously wrong.

"Why did you cry when I kissed you?" he asked kind of out of the blue.

Great. Just the question I wanted to answer. Now what the he'll am I supposed to say? Tell him the truth? No. Hell no. That will just make things worse.

"I asked you first." I mumbled. I could at least stall.

He sighed.

"Because I feel bad." he mumbled. Feel bad? For causing the misfortune of others? Who the hell is this guy? And where's Brendon Urie?

"For what?" I asked cautiously.

He sighed again.

"Because I think… I think I figured it out." he said.

…Figured it out? What?

I gave him a "What the hell are you talking about?" look.

"I'm making it a lot harder for you aren't I?"

My eyes widened. He better not be talking about…

Had he figured it out?

God. Please no.

I looked away. "I have no idea what you're talking about." I mumbled.

"The reason you get so upset, is it because I'm making it harder for you to not like me? What you said before about not wanting to get hurt… I finally get it now." he said.

I hid my head in my hands while I took all this in.

He actually fucking figured it out.

What am I supposed to do now?

I mean, he knows, or thinks that I like him. But he doesn't know the extent or the details.

It's a lot more complicated then he thinks.

After a long awkward pause, I looked towards the fire, avoiding his eyes, and responded.

"It's more complicated then that." I mumbled.

"How so?" he asked. "Wait, so I was right? Sort of?"

I sighed. Should I tell him? There's no getting around it now.

Fuck. Who knew he was this god damn smart?

"It's exactly what o told you before." I said. "I don't want to get hurt. And sometimes, when you act all sweet, or nice or whatever, I start to feel… I don't know. But I know it's not good. So I push away. But you just wouldn't quit, and you kept coming back stronger. I know you won't change, and since what seems to catch me each time isn't really you, it's really frustrating. When you kissed me earlier, I realized all this, and it upset me." I finished.

There was a long pause. It was awkward, and the lord knows what was going through that boys mind.

He continued to hold the stick and stare at the fire.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled again. "I'm really sorry."

There he was apologizing again.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked. "It's so unlike you. You've done a lot of shitty stuff in the past and never apologized. Why now?"

He sighed.

"Because I actually feel bad now." he said. "Before, when I bullied you and stuff, it was more like payback. I didn't need to be sorry. So I thought. But I've never done anything to make anyone cry. That made me feel really shitty. Like a I'll on ass-hole. And I'm sorry." h said.

He's making this even more difficult. Doesn't he see? If he really understood, and he was really sorry, he would make some sort of ass hole like comment so I can go on being ma at him.

"You're making this difficult." I told him.

"You know, I'm not the total ass-hole you make me out to be." he started. "You're just biased because of our relationship. Just because I tend to have meaningless hook-ups doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It only seems that way because we've been arguing since day one. But what you're seeing now, this is the real me. So is the other Brendon, but really only when I'm around you." he finished.

"But it's easier if I can pretend you are." I mumbled.

He sighed but didn't respond.

"The meaningless hook-ups thing. I just don't understand it." I started after a while of silence. "Yeah I'm sure it's great at the time, but what about afterwards? Don't you feel empty? Like shit? Wouldn't you rather do it with someone you loved and cared about?" I asked.

He paused.

"That's the difference between you and me I guess."